Probably The Weirdest Post You Will Ever Read..what Do I Do?

[mikey24]

Okay, there is this woman that I have been dating for a little over a month. I really like her alot. She is 23 years old. Well, I brought it up to her yesterday that I wanted more than what we had, because we only see each other once, maybe twice a week, and that she thinks I play around alot which I don't. Well, we talked late last night, and she said she had another call, and would call me back. Well she didn't call me back and she TEXTS me this on my cell phone this morning:

 

"Hey I'm Sorry I Fell Asleep Last Night. I Like You a lot Too But There Are A Lot Of Things Going On In My Life That Make It Hard to be Serious with Someone, like the fact that my parents love my ex and Invite him to everything which makes me mad or the fact that I do still love him but I also know that him and I aren't good together. So I Am Really Confused Because I Love Hanging Out With You - You Are so Laid Back Which I Love and We Have Fun, But at the same Time I Don't Want To Get Hurt, But Sorry for the Novel. I just felt Like I Had Some Explaining to Do. Have A Good Day and if It makes it any better, I Wanted to Be With You"

 

So yea, I wake up to see this on my phone. I was very shocked to see this, and am a little upset that she would TEXT me this, and not tell me this in person. She is shy sometimes, but that's insane. I haven't responded or called her yet. I mean what do you say to something like that? Where do I go from here? I really need help on this one, because I really like this person and I just don't know what to do now.

[Dannysgirl]

She wants you to fight for her - thats my interpretation anyway. She wants you to call her and tell her you really like her and want to make a go of things.

She said in the message that she 'wanted to be with you' and what she wants is for you to cal her and ask her WHY you can't be together etc.

Do you really want this to work? If so call her and discuss the situation with her.

But the first think you need to ask is if she was being honest when she said she was still in love with her ex. If she is it would probably be better to cool things off while she sorts her feelings out.

[PocoDiablo]

Hi Mikey,

 

Well, I read this and have to wonder what is going on. That message to me was a big red flag, I don't like it one bit. But let me explain why.

 

Okay, there is this woman that I have been dating for a little over a month. I really like her alot. She is 23 years old. Well, I brought it up to her yesterday that I wanted more than what we had, because we only see each other once, maybe twice a week, and that she thinks I play around alot which I don't.

First, can you explain that more?

 

Well, we talked late last night, and she said she had another call, and would call me back.

Who is more important than you? For me (keeping in mind I've been treated like dirt in the past) that is a thought. If I were #1, she'd let it go to voicemail.

 

Well she didn't call me back

Why? Did she spend all night talking to this person? Who was it? Was it her ex? (Yeah, I am paranoid, so what? )

 

and she TEXTS me this on my cell phone this morning:

 

"Hey I'm Sorry I Fell Asleep Last Night. I Like You a lot Too But There Are A Lot Of Things Going On In My Life That Make It Hard to be Serious with Someone, like the fact that my parents love my ex and Invite him to everything which makes me mad or the fact that I do still love him but I also know that him and I aren't good together. So I Am Really Confused Because I Love Hanging Out With You - You Are so Laid Back Which I Love and We Have Fun, But at the same Time I Don't Want To Get Hurt, But Sorry for the Novel. I just felt Like I Had Some Explaining to Do. Have A Good Day and if It makes it any better, I Wanted to Be With You"

All I see is "Hi, excuse, excuse, parents excuse, ex involved, still love my ex, he's a challenge/bad boy and I love it, I'm confused, you're easy to understand/no issues/maybe a little boring, I don't want to hurt you (not you hurt her, did you catch that?), and finally an excuse for not being with you."

 

(Deep breath.)

 

Wow. I may be going out on a limb here, but that was all I saw. All I know was that she hung up the phone on you to talk to someone more important, and then sent a flustered text-message instead of talking to you. I've been cheated on a lot, and my gut reaction would be that she talked to her ex. Now, of course, you did not post enough details so I HAVE NO CLUE. This is just my personal reaction. Don't go kicking down her door!

 

So yea, I wake up to see this on my phone. I was very shocked to see this, and am a little upset that she would TEXT me this, and not tell me this in person. She is shy sometimes, but that's insane.

I agree.

 

I haven't responded or called her yet. I mean what do you say to something like that? Where do I go from here? I really need help on this one, because I really like this person and I just don't know what to do now.

Okay, I have been in situations like this before, where I felt like I was second choice to an ex. And what it came down to for me was that I felt like I had to compete to please her. So I would kiss-up and do everything nice I could. Well, of course, it backfired and I lost every women with whom I did that with. I finally realized that if things were to be good between me and a woman, she had to be single. In this case, the very fact that she sees her ex and talks about him (and maybe TO him) is a big red flag to me.

 

Personally, I would not continue with her unless she could tell me flat out "I have no feelings for my ex. If it bothers you, I will make it a point to be 'busy' when my parents invite him over. And I will do everything to re-assure you that he is out of my life."

 

Now, remember, I come from a place of suspicion because I have been cheated on (and caught an STD to prove it; cureable thankfully) by many GF's and even my ex-wife. What I can tell you, though, is that my fiance would flat out tell you that she would never do that to me - and would totally understand if I told her "Hey, until you get that straightened out, don't bother calling me." I mean really, that's not respectful of you, your feelings, the effort you are making. I think if you were not to tell her, she would think she could get anything she wanted with you, and I have found that in MY experience that leads to the demise of the relationship.

 

So, I would come from a place of being a gentleman (polite, self-control, respect, mature, calm, etc.) and tell her something like "You know, I understand that your ex is in your life in a significant way, and I can respect the feelings you have for him. However, the fact that you are dating me at the same time does not take into account how I may feel, and it's disrespectful to me. As a result, I would like you to know that I cannot stand by and wait for you to solve the problems with him. I am ready for a serious, committed, honest, and caring relationship. If you cannot give that to me then I am going to have to move on. I am looking for the one who will love and cherish me, and treat me properly like I deserve. So you think about what you want to do for a few days and get back to me."

 

That would work for me - basically - to let her know that I would not tolerate being second choice.

 

Of course, there are a lot of details missing from your post, so maybe if you fill us in more we can offer some other advice that is more accurate. You didn't give us much to go on.

[Day_Walker]

Yes she did use an indirect method of communication but it seems from the message that she is telling you what is going on in her situation. She is unsure about things right now. I think you need to decide how you want to handle this situation. Obviously you want her but do you believe this be to a rejection or her just wanting more time. I would look at it as both, unless you want something casual with her, more of a commitment probably isnt gonna happen soon.

[mikey24]

Hi Pocodiablo,

 

Originally Posted by mikey24

Okay, there is this woman that I have been dating for a little over a month. I really like her alot. She is 23 years old. Well, I brought it up to her yesterday that I wanted more than what we had, because we only see each other once, maybe twice a week, and that she thinks I play around alot which I don't.

 

What I mean by that post is, she thinks I am a player. She is scared of me. I am friends with lots of girls, and she asked me how many people I've had sex with and regretably, I told her the real number, which made her think. I did used to play around when I was 19, 20, but that is a long time ago. I am almost 25, and I am past that.

 

Originally Posted by mikey24

Well, we talked late last night, and she said she had another call, and would call me back.

 

She told me her best friend Katie was calling in, and she said "I wonder why she is calling me this late", and told me she would call me back. It was late, and she could have fallen asleep, who knows.

 

 

She does like to text alot. She has a hard time sometimes of telling me in person what her feelings are, unless she is drunk. That's just the way she is. She's shy. Once in a while she will open up in person, but not much. All of her friends have told me she likes me alot, but that she is scared. That is all they say. So yesterday, I just hit her with a ton of bricks and flatly told her that I want to be with her, and I pretty much want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I couldn't take it no more, I just have way too many feelings for her. She thinks I'm the "bad boy" type. The one that cheats, sleeps around, lies, etc. And I proved to her I wasn't by telling her I want to be with her. I am so pickey, and I know there is a good thing sitting right here, and I want to do everything right to not screw this up. I like your advice, I think it's great. But is there anything else you want to add that might help me after I explained this a little better. Thanks, and I hope to hear from you.

[chai714]

Mikey,

 

Basically that message said that she wants to be with her ex right now.

 

Yes, it's cold to leave someone a message like that, it's rude, and it's harsh.

 

She tried to put it on her parents initially, but then admitted that she still loves him. This woman basically knows she wants something that probably won't work (in her opinion) but she would rather have that than something that could be better.

 

Best move for you would be to touch bases with her a few months down the road. Meanwhile, date around because it doesn't look like her involvement with her ex is going to end anytime soon.

[PocoDiablo]

Hi Pocodiablo,

 

What I mean by that post is, she thinks I am a player. She is scared of me. I am friends with lots of girls, and she asked me how many people I've had sex with and regretably, I told her the real number, which made her think. I did used to play around when I was 19, 20, but that is a long time ago. I am almost 25, and I am past that.

Ah, yes, regretably is a good word. I do my best to avoid talking about my past relationships. Are you still good friends with other women? Do you spend time with them? This may be something she sees and does not agree with. I could understand that, just like if she were to hang out with lots of guys you might get worried. Of course, that is not so black and white that you should not have friends, it was just meant as an observation.

 

She told me her best friend Katie was calling in, and she said "I wonder why she is calling me this late", and told me she would call me back. It was late, and she could have fallen asleep, who knows.

Hm, well that seems less threatening. Maybe Katie had a family or personal issue, and I don't know any guys named Katie so I think you're okay on that. However, how do you know they did not talk about Katie's player boyfriend? Now, here is something that I saw the other day. It went something like "You are not really dating a woman if she has lots of friends. Instead, you are dating her mother-in-law with the alcoholic husband, her best friend with the cheating no-good boyfriend, her party friend who is sleeping with the entire football team, her 12 year old neice who has never had a boyfriend, .." etc. All I am saying is that her friends can influence who she thinks you are. That's tough, but you need to keep it in mind that you may have to rise above all the other men in their lives and be the absolute best man you can be.

 

She does like to text alot. She has a hard time sometimes of telling me in person what her feelings are, unless she is drunk. That's just the way she is. She's shy. Once in a while she will open up in person, but not much.

Well, somehow that does not bother me as much as the confusion about the ex. So long as she is honest and good to you ...

 

All of her friends have told me she likes me alot, but that she is scared. That is all they say.

Ah, the friends. I personally don't listen to friends much. Again, they may have issues that are not present in your relationships. And I don't like to discuss my personal business with anyone. I do my best to avoid talking about my relationship with my or her friends except at a very general/high level.

 

So yesterday, I just hit her with a ton of bricks and flatly told her that I want to be with her, and I pretty much want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I couldn't take it no more, I just have way too many feelings for her. She thinks I'm the "bad boy" type. The one that cheats, sleeps around, lies, etc. And I proved to her I wasn't by telling her I want to be with her.

Ah, so YOU are the bad boy. What is her ex then? But, here is something I have to ask - what do you do to make you bad? Do you loose your temper? Flirt with other women? All I am saying is to identify your worst trait and think about how you can bring it in line with being a gentleman.

 

I am the kind of guy who thinks being a gentleman means being fun, unpredictable, but still confident and with self-control. If you get in fights at bars, you're not a real adult to her - this can drive a wedge between things. At least I think so.

 

I am so pickey, and I know there is a good thing sitting right here, and I want to do everything right to not screw this up. I like your advice, I think it's great. But is there anything else you want to add that might help me after I explained this a little better. Thanks, and I hope to hear from you.

That's a great philosopy - being picky and knowing you have a good thing. It's very mature, very healthy, very strong in my opinion. But when you say you don't want to screw it up it also says to me you are insecure in some way. So I think I see one trait coming through - that insecurity - that lack of confidence. Does that seem to hit home? Is it possible that is right?

 

This is something you can save at this point, I am pretty sure of it. I think you need to take a DEEP BREATH and relax though. If you get "going" too fast I think you might inadvertantly drive her away.

 

For me, I have had a lot of screw ups, and never learned. So I did a lot of soul searching, talking to folks, and reading (and writing obviously!) to figure things out. Here is what I believe now:

 

I believe that to maintain a long term relationship, you have to be a gentleman. This means you have to be both the nice guy AND the bad boy, but just somewhere in the middle. You cannot be a kiss-up, and you cannot be a pit fighter. You have to have self-control (no speeding when she is in the car, no picking fights, no swearing, no spitting, no racists, no checking out women, no TALKING about other women {like you did with the number of ex's}, no losing your temper, no hitting a woman, etc.) and confidence which means self-respect and self-confidence (not getting down on yourself, telling youself you don't want to screw this up, but realizing that she IS the one and you DO deserve her but only if she is smart enough to recognize what a great man you are, remembering that you are the prize for her as much as she is for you - if not more as a true gentleman is often hard to find), and finally being a challenge which means you don't act like a child, you don't do whatever she wants, you flirt, joke, play, make her smile, do things that are unpredictable, be a little romantic, maybe not tell her your feelings but instead communicate them with touch and gestures.

 

So think about some of that and maybe there are some traits which you agree with by don't think you are doing? Could that be a possibility? Let me know.

[mikey24]

Are you still good friends with other women? Do you spend time with them?

 

I talk to them over the phone sometimes, and yes sometimes I hang out with them. But she has seen my phone book and saw alot of womens names on it. I have more female friends than male.

 

Ah, so YOU are the bad boy. What is her ex then? But, here is something I have to ask - what do you do to make you bad? Do you loose your temper? Flirt with other women? All I am saying is to identify your worst trait and think about how you can bring it in line with being a gentleman.

 

What I did to make myself look bad was telling her how many women I have had sex with. She asked and I gave her an honest answer. She was frightened of it. She has trust issues with me. I don't lose my temper, and we have never had an argument, we discuss things if something comes up.

 

So I think I see one trait coming through - that insecurity - that lack of confidence. Does that seem to hit home? Is it possible that is right?

 

Yes sometimes I do have that. The thing is, I've dated alot of women, and I am always the dumper, because I just don't feel it. But it's weird, because I feel it with her big time. What would be the right thing to do then? Should I text her back? Meet her in person? Talk to her? As you can see, alot of people are giving me different advice, and I like your's the best. I cannot walk away from this girl. I can't give up because if I do, I know I'm possibly throwing away the best thing. Should I touch her anymore?

[johnagent1911]

Hey I'd take some time away from her and let her get her stuff together. I wouldn't chase her. If you chase her she's gonna run back to the ex. I say you let her come to you. If she likes you she'll prove it right? There has to be some signs to look for man. I just wouldn't go after her so fast. Leave it to the once or twice a week when you visit her. You have to give her attention and take it away. Don't just keep giving. Take this slow and you can end up with her.

 

And if you have yet to call her I think you should wait on that too. Let her make the first moves.

-John

[WildChild]

OK, first it is being assumed that she broke up with her ex. At this point we don't know who broke up with who. Maybe he broke up with her, but the parents still keep in touch with him. I think she is being honest. I think she does like him, but is not in a position to be in an exclusive relationship because of what she told him, which applause to her for being truthful. If she is going to be that truthful with him, then she woulda just come out and said no if she didn't like him, gave her reasons about the ex/family and not mentioned anything about liking to hang out with him etc... because that would have gotten his hopes up.

 

I would tell her you still want to see her and you understand her wanting to take it slow. And that while she figures it out, you may decide to date other women as well.

[PocoDiablo]

What I did to make myself look bad was telling her how many women I have had sex with. She asked and I gave her an honest answer. She was frightened of it. She has trust issues with me. I don't lose my temper, and we have never had an argument, we discuss things if something comes up.

Yeah, I can see how that would freak her out. Now you have some work to do.

 

Yes sometimes I do have that. The thing is, I've dated alot of women, and I am always the dumper, because I just don't feel it. But it's weird, because I feel it with her big time.

Well, have you told her that, looking her in the eyes, and made it clear you are being honest? I am starting to think that this may take time, and you may want to think about the number of female friends you hang out with. In other words, if you do hang out with them, invite the GF along so she can see you are not hiding anything.

 

What would be the right thing to do then? Should I text her back? Meet her in person? Talk to her? As you can see, alot of people are giving me different advice, and I like your's the best. I cannot walk away from this girl. I can't give up because if I do, I know I'm possibly throwing away the best thing. Should I touch her anymore?

I think I would keep one thing in mind - never discuss emotional issues over the phone, email, or text messaging. It's just too impersonal and often leads to misunderstandings.

 

If I were you, I would text her back and keep it short, avoid the emotional BS while not totally discounting it, and ask her on a date. Something like "Hey, got your message. I totally understand and can respect where you are coming from. I'd love to see you again. Let me know if you are free to go out this Wednesday and we can go to Starbucks/Bar/Pool hall and just have e nice time. -Mikey"

 

Then sit back and wait. See what happens. If she says no, then just take a deep breath, relax, remember it's the holidays, and then try again in a week.

 

Normally I would tell guys to hold back to not appear desperate. But in your case I think that could be dangerous if you hold back TOO much. So yours is to find the happy medium. Don't throw yourself at her, don't run away, just play it cool.

 

For some reason the picture of some guy in a white suit sitting on a porch in front of a giant white mansion with big white columns, sipping an lemonade, comes to mind. Kind of like down south like you see in the movies.

 

 

[ShySoul]

What is the situation with the ex? Perhaps she has been hurt by him and wants to get away from him, but finds herself unable to because the parents keep pushing him to her. Or maybe she just really doesn't like him, but the parents don't get that. She is confused and conflicted. She wants to be with you, but there is a lot that is confusing her and getting in the way.

 

You are also dealing with the downside of your past. You can say you have changed, but how is a girl to believe that? They may think that "once a player, always a player." You have to show her you are not like that any more, and that takes time. It has to be in your every word and action. You have to work twice as hard to be a nice guy, the kind of guy that she can trust herself with. You have to be patient and understanding with her.

 

I'd be careful of inviting her to spend time with you and other girls who are just friends. You don't know what she will think. She is already suspicious of these girls, asking her to spend time with them may not be taken well.

 

The reason that you feel like this is because you are trying to change. All bad boys eventual come to this point (well, most as some continue to priase those ideas to death for no apparent reason).They get tired of the emptiness that comes with dating lots of people and sleeping around. The want something real and meaningful. You are at that point. But you are going to have to work hard to overcome the image you have developed over the years.

 

Now just listen to her. She is going to tell you loud and clear what it is she wants. She is letting you know her concerns. You need to honestly listen to them, acknowledge them, and show that they are being addressed. You need to constantly and consistently be there for her. You need to work with her. And you need to give her time to sort out her feelings and decide on her own what it is she wants to do.