Sensitive guy trying to hold on

[Noggy27]

Hi

 

Recently I had a thread open that Pocodiablo and diggity was really helpfull in. I dont know if you remember me but I was the guy that had a girl that was afraid to fall in love with me due to her leaving and going away. Well after a while since the last thread she came back to me. It appears that you were right about me pushing her too hard. She admitted to me being a bit "intense". Well I promised myself that this time I wouldnt mess it up and we have been dating now for another 2 months.

 

This still carries baggage though. As she is still extremely cold with me and has a big brick wall around her. Its almost as if I can see that shield protecting her feelings from being hurt grinding away whever i get too close to her. If I even mention the G word she freaks out and starts cold sweating. She still says as before that she doesnt want to commit to me until she is certain if she is moving away and I can understand that she is trying to protect herself from me and her emotions so I can understand these emotions.

 

My problem is this. I am in love with her. Yes I admit it. I have strong feelings for this woman and being with a woman who is so cold and distant is totally killing me. I am biting my tongue to stay a man and not act weak in front of her but even though my acting is good she can still see that I am breaking inside when she talks to me about stuff. I did as diggity suggested and never mention our relationship and try to just enjy her time but sometimes she brings things up. I recently sent roses to her work and she was overwhelmed and was totally happy, but now she is keeping her distance more and more as the xmas season approaches. She is going away for her job interview and she is having a small holiday for 7 days at the same time. She still says this "I dont want to get into anything just now and if I decide to stay in the UK I will take things as they come. I wont promise you anything so dont see this as a guarantee but I wont stop it either, I just need time to sort my head out when i am away to think things through".

 

O.k so fair enough I understand that totally. but why is she becoming more and more distant? I mean shes treating me like i am some guy that she just knows who lives down the street. Her texts are cold and to the point and she only lets me see her for like an hour when she meets up with me?

 

Oh and today i got really hurt. i guess i am just too sensitive and I wish someone could guide me in getting a grip of myself. I am just so head over heals of this woman that I apologise for no reason and just act like a softy. I know this is really unnatractive but i cannot help it she sent me a text today saying hiya was really drunk last night and cant remember what happened. I called her up just for a chat and she ignored my phone. Stupidly I sent her a text saying "oi, I know you cant remember what happened but have you got male company or something since you wont take the phone?". It was meant as a witty joke but it came out totally like I was serious which I can understand by that tone.

 

The last message I got was " I think you need this xmas holiday to seriously consider your paranoia issues, have a nice xmas holiday whatever you do."

 

So I guess thats it huh? I have just blown it again... ack

 

can i get some advice? What do I do now?

[PocoDiablo]

Does it strike you at all as odd that you are in love with (longing I think would be a better word) a woman who is cold, distant, and leaving? It's like you know you have some issues with women to begin with, but here you are trying to date the impossible. Does it reinforce your feelings in a negative way? I used to do that, I would only hang out with women who were taken. It was an excuse for my failure. In this case, is her leaving an excuse for you?

 

When she brings things up, unless it is *really* serious (illness of family member, car crash, etc.) is there any way to change the topic back to something more light hearted, more caring, more fun? Even if she brings it up, it's better to remain strong and on topic.

 

You sent roses, and now she is distant. I see a connection, do you? Is it possible she saw that as a way to "buy" her affection or otherwise confuse the situation? While it is romantic, don't get me wrong, right now you need to focus on JUST you and her, and throwing gifts into the situation can confuse things. She may feel like you did it to try and make her feel guilty, like she has to pay you back somehow. I know you did not mean it like that, but if you keep things really simple it might be better in this case.

 

I think she is pulling back to try and politely (as best she can) tell you that it's over for her. Withdrawl is a huge sign that she is not interested. While you do have strong feelings for her, it's very lopsided apparently. You are coming on with full steam and she is running away just as fast. Again, it seems like you literally tried to hard. I see lessons here and there to be learned. When you texted her, did she come over and spend time with you? What was the lesson? When you slipped on text, what was the lesson?

 

Well, I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but I usually try to tell guys to use the phone, email, IM, AIM, and text for setting up dates only. Why? Well, as you can see, the meaning was lost in the medium. You meant to make a joke, and she probably thought you said you thought she was cheating on you. Oops.

 

I think your best bet at this point would be to sit back and wait for her call. Leave it at that. Do not set up any more dates. Take some time and go read a book on flirting, body language, stuff like that, and see what new things you can learn about yourself that may help you better understand what steps you need to take to make things better for the future.

 

My bet is that she is gone, though. I can't say for sure, and if you pull back that may also make her wonder what is up. If she really does like you, she will respect you for giving her space and may come back.

[ShySoul]

Noggy27,

 

I am biting my tongue to stay a man and not act weak in front of her but even though my acting is good she can still see that I am breaking inside when she talks to me about stuff.

 

You do realize that this putting on a tough exterior is what is killing you inside? You are burying your true feelings under the guise of being a "man." In essense, you are doing exactly the same thing the girl is. She has built up a wall around her feelings. In turn you have decided to build your own will. The two of you are just acting, you are not really feeling or embracing the relationship. You are two walls frozen in concrete. Unless you start tearing the walls down, you will get no where. You will both continue to feel miserable and will just end up hurting yourselves and each other. You will probably even care the scars with you into future relationships, making them hard to work out.

 

One of you needs to take steps to tear the walls down. Why not let it be you? You have to be open and honest with your feelings, because any lasting relationship needs to be open and honest. You have to tell her how you feel, you have to be able to talk things out and communicate. Otherwise, what kind of relationship will you have? How will you handle the issues and disagreements that inevitable come up?

 

oi, I know you cant remember what happened but have you got male company or something since you wont take the phone?".

 

Never a joke you make. You never want to insinuate in any way that the women is seeing someone else. That really sets you back.

 

The last message I got was " I think you need this xmas holiday to seriously consider your paranoia issues, have a nice xmas holiday whatever you do."

 

Sorry, but I don't believe I caught your previous post. What paranoia issues is she talking about? If I knew I could help you on what to do.

 

I think you need to take a good look at your attitude and actions as well as hers. Why exactly is she so afraid to commit to anything? Has something happened in her past that explains it? Why do you apoligize for no reason? Why do you both not talk about things instead of working them out? That right there is the issue. There is no communication about what is really important to you and the communication that does exist isn't being done in a mature discussion about your feelings.

[Noggy27]

Does it strike you at all as odd that you are in love with (longing I think would be a better word) a woman who is cold, distant, and leaving? It's like you know you have some issues with women to begin with, but here you are trying to date the impossible. Does it reinforce your feelings in a negative way? I used to do that, I would only hang out with women who were taken. It was an excuse for my failure. In this case, is her leaving an excuse for you?

 

We the human race always want more what we cannot have, but no. I didnt start longing for her because she was leaving. She has made this decicion after we met.

 

When she brings things up, unless it is *really* serious (illness of family member, car crash, etc.) is there any way to change the topic back to something more light hearted, more caring, more fun? Even if she brings it up, it's better to remain strong and on topic.

 

You are absolutley right. I will start doing this. Though in the past I have usually tried to give her guidance when she does this and tried to be objective and non biased.

 

 

My bet is that she is gone, though. I can't say for sure, and if you pull back that may also make her wonder what is up. If she really does like you, she will respect you for giving her space and may come back.

 

You said that last time we spoke. She came back and told me to ease off. I hope you are wrong. I will back off as you say and hope she comes back again.

 

 

to shysoul:

 

 

You do realize that this putting on a tough exterior is what is killing you inside?

 

YES! I totally realize this! Thats my point. I cannot shw her my true feelings as she freaks out and says I act too intense. I already lost her once before because I was acting a bit clingy and intense. So the only way for me to protect myself and stop her from running away full steam as pocodiablo says is to just back off and not show any emotions. I am hoping that once she has been away she can relax a bit and let me start moving closer to her.

 

 

One of you needs to take steps to tear the walls down. Why not let it be you? You have to be open and honest with your feelings, because any lasting relationship needs to be open and honest. You have to tell her how you feel, you have to be able to talk things out and communicate.

 

Dangerous move mate. I tried this already and thats what caused her to freak out and back off from me. Shes really vulnerable at the moment as she broke up with her ex 6 months ago. I dont think shes totally over him as shes been reading all these self help books and being one of those "go getter, Get what you want" types. I think shes so focused on protecting herself that she doesnt realise that there is a guy who she admits she really really likes and doesnt want to go away who loves her.

 

Quote:

The last message I got was " I think you need this xmas holiday to seriously consider your paranoia issues, have a nice xmas holiday whatever you do."

 

Sorry, but I don't believe I caught your previous post. What paranoia issues is she talking about? If I knew I could help you on what to do.

 

 

The paranoi issues wasnt from a previous post. It was from what you quoted me on. It was the bad tasteless joke that made her think I had paranoi issues.

 

 

 

I thank you for your feedback guys. I do think I will hear from her again what I really would appreciate is some advise on how to turn the situation around and gain control again as right now I am the runner and shes the chasee. I want her to relax and not feel pressured by me and at the same time be able to move in closer to her and break down that wall somehow. The two problems I have right now are these:

 

1: I am too damn sensitive. Anything she says that out of tone breaks me up and makes me cry inside. Why am I doing this? I never act like this for anyone else? How can I get a grip of myself and stop taking everything so personally and stuff.

 

2: I am the chaser yes I admit that. How do I regain control of this situation and get her to chase me again? If I stop speaking to her now she will think its over. How can I make up and then just back off and give her space? When she does approach me again shall I start acting cold like her?

 

thanks

[ShySoul]

YES! I totally realize this! Thats my point. I cannot shw her my true feelings as she freaks out and says I act too intense. I already lost her once before because I was acting a bit clingy and intense. So the only way for me to protect myself and stop her from running away full steam as pocodiablo says is to just back off and not show any emotions. I am hoping that once she has been away she can relax a bit and let me start moving closer to her.

 

But being stoic is killing you a little bit at a time. I find that the gradual pain of not showing emotions is often more damaging in the long run. We are not robots or androids. We have feelings that need to be expressed. Most people will tell you that you shouldn't bottle your feelings up inside, which is what you are doing. What you have done is go from one extreme to the other, from overly emotional, to no emotions at all. And that is just as dangerous. There needs to be a balance, for your own mental health.

 

If you honestly feel that they only way to keep what you have with this girl is to bury your feelings inside, then is it really worth it? Do you want to be constantly on your guard, afraid to say what is inside because she will over react?

 

I come from a family where people do just that, they build walls and try not to show emotions. Yes, my parents were able to keep things together for a long time. But there was always things under the surface that wasn't resolved. Eventually things couldn't keep going, leading to a divorce a couple years ago after 25 years. If they had been able to communicate, they could have worked it out. But they both felt like they had to keep it in, both out of fear for admitting their own issues and of hurting the other. Thus keeping things inside doesn't work in the long run.

 

Dangerous move mate. I tried this already and thats what caused her to freak out and back off from me. Shes really vulnerable at the moment as she broke up with her ex 6 months ago. I dont think shes totally over him as shes been reading all these self help books and being one of those "go getter, Get what you want" types. I think shes so focused on protecting herself that she doesnt realise that there is a guy who she admits she really really likes and doesnt want to go away who loves her.

 

One of those girls. Dealt with one myself. Thing is, they are so focused on not getting hurt, that they can become the very thing they don't like. They think they are on the defensive, when they get on the offensive. Their actions begin to mirror what they are trying to avoid from the guy, and they end up hurting him. If you just sit back and not say anything, all the while hurting inside, then 1)she won't know what she is doing and is likely to do it again and 2) it will become harder and harder for you to be able to trust her and want to help because there is going to be so much pain built up on your part.

 

You need to get it out. But you can't do it in a way that comes off as desparate or accusing her. You have to find a middle ground being honest and straight forward. I wrote my girl I letter in which I admitted to my own faults and issues, but also spelled out what she had done and how it had hurt me. She responded well to it. In that letter I made it clear that I loved her and always would, but that I couldn't keep my feelings bottled up because it was hurting me to much. And if she runs away, I know it will hurt worse then anything. I've felt that hurt. But at least you will have laid everything on the table and all sides know what needs to happen for things to work out in the future. If she isn't able to do that, then she is the one who is too afraid and you did all that you could for her. It will hurt, but you'll find in time that it is better then to torture youself day after day.

 

The paranoi issues wasnt from a previous post. It was from what you quoted me on. It was the bad tasteless joke that made her think I had paranoi issues.

 

Can't be sure, but maybe that has more to deal with the past relationship and she is projecting it onto you.

 

I am too damn sensitive. Anything she says that out of tone breaks me up and makes me cry inside. Why am I doing this? I never act like this for anyone else? How can I get a grip of myself and stop taking everything so personally and stuff.

 

You love her. You've opened your heart to her and let her into a place that makes you very emotional and fragile. You want things to work so badly that the slightest hurt feels 10 times deeper. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it is the risk we take for love. When we find the right person that risk is worth it, so it is something that we almost have to do. Because if we always guard our hearts we can't feel the true depths of love. If you want to expereince the incredible highs, you have to risk the incredible lows.

 

I dealt with it by trying to think logically. At times I would blame myself. But then I would realize that it is 50/50, and that she has to take responsibility too. Be honest. Is what she is getting upset about your fault or hers? Get a clear understanding of the whole picture and try to understand what each person is feeling and what they are doing right and wrong.

 

I am the chaser yes I admit that. How do I regain control of this situation and get her to chase me again? If I stop speaking to her now she will think its over. How can I make up and then just back off and give her space? When she does approach me again shall I start acting cold like her?

 

It's not about control and who is chasing whom. It should be an equal relationship in which you are both working together. The big problem I see is communication, and neither of you are doing that well. You don't want to act cold, if you appear distant she is likely to think you've changed your mind and aren't interested in her. You don't want to just stop speaking to someone. Not speaking is what is causing problems, the walls. What you want to do is be open and honest, but not pushy.

[Dating Coach]

Noggy, you are a good guy and definitely do not deserve a relationship like this. How much neglect and abuse are you going to stand for?

[ShySoul]

If you honestly believe that this is worth fighting for, and your heart tells you to, then you need to go for it and see your feelings to the end. But you need to find a better way of doing so. As it stands now being the stoic man who doesn't show emotions is your biggest enemy.

[Noggy27]

Well..

 

I just got dumped by text! Can you believe that? She sent me a text wishing me a happy new year and I replied with the same and basically asked her to call me after the new year. She replied with " we will c what the new year brings".

 

We then ended up somehow having a heated debate . I told her I did not want a discussion through text and refused to speak to her through text but she didnt answer the phone when i called her. What then followed were a barrage of nasty texts from her telling me that I was foolish for falling in love with her and should of spent my money and time on someone else as she doesnt want to get close to me. After that she sent me more texts basically telling me to get lost and that she didnt think it was a good idea to speak to eachother again followed by suggestions of that if i want to get my rocks off I should go down to the harbour and pay for it. I replied and told her to calm down and to please stop sending me nasty texts before xmas but they keep rolling in.

 

Man this woman is mean! I asked her to begin with to please stop sending me hurtfull texts and to just think about what she was saying and doing through her holidays but she kept sending them in. I then tried backing off and telling her to stop the evil texts and to just think things through during her holiday and now I am at the point were I am telling her to just back off and stop kicking me whilst i am down.

 

I won't put up with this crap. She has no right to treat me like this before xmas and all I have done is be nice to her and shes being nasty to me. I am dropping this fish back into the sea...

 

 

Thanks for your help guys.. I appreciate it as always. Now off to get some more coffee and sort my head and heart out before I face my family this xmas

[stolenshadow]

Hi, it's quite sad things had to end so dramatically, but, I'm afraid it was very clear she wanted nothing and you kept trying to have something.

The only thing that matters now is that you need to be okay and NEVER contact her again, leave it, if she texts to apologize (which might happen considering you tried to make her realize the time of the year) DO NOT reply, DO NOT tell her to stop if she keeps being nasty, ignore anything coming from her good and bad.

 

You can move on now, you have seen she's not a good person, saying you were foolish for falling in love with her?, either she knows well she's not worth it or really lacks a heart, I'm sure you really don't need a person like that in your life, you'll be okay, she's not relationship material.

 

Please, look after yourself.

[ShySoul]

I understand your hurt and frustration. You have every right to feel that. What she did was wrong and she should apologize. However, I hope in time you can see that while her actions were mean, she herself is probably just a very confused person that is caught up in trying to protect herself, she doesn't realize she has become the very thing she despises. Anger is good now. But in time it will probably just grown into pity for her. Others will tell you to "move on" but you will probably find that this isn't as easy as it is made out to be, even when you are feeling anger right now. But thats ok, take as long as you need.

 

I wish her the best of luck in seeing what she is doing and in addressing her issues.

 

And most importantly, I wish you the best of luck in healing from this and in seeing that you are a good person who did the right thing in staying by her and trying to make things work. Some people just aren't ready for help. But your compassion and devotion is undeniable and will make someone a very happy women one day.

[Venturer]

Noggy27, now that you see her true colors when she dumped you by text and sent you a barrage of hurtful and mean text messages, you are right to drop her and move on.

[Dating Coach]

I tried to warn you, but I understand your confusion and hesistency in taking heed when you are getting some other people telling you to keep trying and to give it another shot with her and such. Now you know who to listen to.

 

ShySoul, quit making up excuses for this girl. I swear that if this were a guy doing this to a girl you would be up in arms about her leaving and not looking back towards the jerk. But now that it is a girl who is being flaking, spaztic, and mean you are being totally biased and "understanding" towards the situation.

 

There are no excuses for her actions and the OP is 100% right if he chooses to never talk to her again. I wouldn't waste another second with someone who could be that heartless.

[Noggy27]

Thanks.. it means a lot to me.

 

I wont contact her again. I will just have to get over it and move on. I realise she wasnt ready yet and I realise that my pushing was not any use. I guess I will get over her soon enough. Its just a shame she had to make me feel this way for xmas. Thats the second time I have been hurt but oh well.. NEXT! hehehe

 

Thanks guys much appreciated.

[Dating Coach]

Good luck man, your Xmas present was to not have to deal with this girl any more. I'm always here for advice if you need it.