Since coming out...

[Jinx]

To friends and certain acquaintances under specific circumstances, I've had an array of behaviors. This post may end up as more of a venting of my feelings but there are certainly questions here.

 

Anyhow I've got a mixed bag now with a certain group of friends which I had came out to. Most of these particular individuals are neutral however, whatever acting but there are two which I question at the moment. One seems to be avoiding me, and the other one seems to be clinging to me.

 

The individual who has been avoiding me it seems has also casually been forgetting to tell me about important dates for friendly outings. Then I get the "Why weren't you there? So and said she told you..." feedback from others. Told the other friends and acquaintances of this group but does not appear to be sinking in.

 

Now on the far end of the spectrum, one has been increasingly clingy and questioning of my prior loves. Of course there is nothing fancy, I've never dated a woman, only men prior to my orientation realization. She says shes straight no ifs ands or buts, and whether she is or not, I'm not interested. Further I move from affectionate actions, more she moves inward and more often. This never happened until I came out, thats what bothers me. I don't really want to say Go away but the touchy feely is not uncomfortable but most certainly unusual for a straight woman whom never acted as such before.

 

Then there is always the woman I was interested in before whom swore she was straight. Well, we had been very on and off on our socializing, and after awhile I threw my hands up in the air and gave up so to speak and decided to leave it up to her unless she was right there up close to talk to. Now she has taken to making an effort about speaking to me, actually just the other day, I seen her and she showed no sign of planning to talk so I went on walking. Next thing I know she is up beside me, it kind of startled me because usually I can hear people walking up behind me. Anyhow she initiated short conversation and then floated off in her own direction. She has done this many times since then. Then I caught her looking at me one day when I was reading, and then she looked away. This look, catch, look away, try again has gone on so many times I don't know what to think. Its odd, like this is some game about closer I get she pulls away, I pull away she moves in. Puzzles me.

 

Then this is more of a rant than situation, sharing a once peaceful dinner at home, homosexuality came up. I heard the most enlightening conversation. A sibling brings up about what perversion being a gay/lesbian is and no matter what the APA says its still a sickness and that she would never want to be in the same room as a lesbian and their "issues". Another family member chimes in that she doesn't believe its a sickness, just a way to get attention from society when you're being neglected attention wise. Then I hear my set of bible verses and what the religious leaders have to say and what society really thinks outside of political correctness. Of course being asked my opinion after being quiet, what can I really say, its not feasible to come out to them right now if at all. I just gave them the APA's info that I knew about the topic and let them rip it apart.

 

Its been an interesting week or two between opposing behaviors on the spectrum from friends, family opinions and one woman I can't tell which way her boat is floating as she is busy constantly contradicting herself.

[FoxLocke]

Aw man, Jinx. I am so sorry to hear about this. I went through the same situation recently and on several occasions prior to that.

Homophobic individuals talk so nonchalantly about gays never knowing that we are among them, so to speak...In a way I find it kind of funny. I know that when I eventually come out they are going to think about all of the cruel things that they've ever said...

For instance, recently, my family and I had a get together for my mom's birthday. For some odd reason the city of Atlanta, Georgia came up. My mom said the city was very nice...

Then my niece(who is actually two years older than me...I am the late child)chimed in and said, "I would go...but it's too many gays there."

What could I say without coming out? I've never had a girlfriend, and I don't talk about women...So piping in in defense of gays would have basically outed me right then and there. So I could say nothing...

 

And even further back than that My sister in law blamed Hurricane Katrina on the gays and lesbians in New Orleans. My only thought was, "Well, you aren't safe here either because you are sitting next to a gay guy."

 

 

 

 

I wonder does this woman really "like" you and is afraid to come to terms with her own sexuality? I read that paragraph twice, and it paraphrase Hooper from Chasing Amy, "She loves you in a way that she isn't ready to deal with."

I know when I was attracted to guys and still in denial I suffered from an internal conflict. It was so hard having overwhelming feelings that I had to shut down...Maybe she is going through the samething.

Perhaps you could finesse the question to her as opposed to asking her blatantly rather or not she is a Lesbian.

[Jinx]

Then my niece(who is actually two years older than me...I am the late child) chimed in and said, "I would go...but it's too many gays there."

Reminds me of a conversation I had with a sibling and a family friend. I innocently stated with no thoughts of orientation, how much I'd love to see San Francisco someday (I love diverse cities, as much as I love art and architecture and it has all those to my knowledge). They chip in and state simply "Too many queers, not fit for travel."

 

What could I say without coming out? I've never had a girlfriend, and I don't talk about women...So piping in in defense of gays would have basically outed me right then and there. So I could say nothing...

Exactly, giving any defense towards it would send them on a rampage because they'd make 1+1 = 2. The only reason I got away with what I did is that I am a Psychology student so I've picked up this and that, and being a psychologist you're taught to be opened minded. Unfortunately, they just find this a reason to disregard Psychology and Psychiatry entirely. For them it is, Why bother when you can find help and healing in religion, just pray.

 

And even further back than that My sister in law blamed Hurricane Katrina on the gays and lesbians in New Orleans. My only thought was, "Well, you aren't safe here either because you are sitting next to a gay guy."

Oh yes, have to love that. My relatives said something along those lines and I swore I could of laughed, oddly enough on the thought line of - Well, you best start hiding because we're next on the destruction list and you wouldn't even know. It is almost like they think Gay men and Lesbians are extremely localized.

 

Nonetheless on the safety topic, it makes me think of my sister and her fear of even being around a lesbian. Well, she has been around one all her life and she doesn't seem the least bit scared. She is the most awful homophobic, then again, she is acting exactly like I did before I came out to myself and friends.

 

I wonder does this woman really "like" you and is afraid to come to terms with her own sexuality? I read that paragraph twice, and it paraphrase Hooper from Chasing Amy, "She loves you in a way that she isn't ready to deal with."

That could very well be. I just find it extremely odd that she has spent so much time trying to be around and converse with me. Years I've known her as an acquaintance and no matter how sour or sweet acting I've been through the years towards her conversation advances, she still goes on.

 

Just in my experience, seems like two shy teens interested in one another. One stares until being caught, looks away. Tries it again and once caught again, there is that hint of a smile from one and the other pretends to busy themself. I catch her all the time, sometimes I don't make an obvious movement with my head but instead look from the corner of my eye and there she is looking like I'm the most interesting thing alive, but once I make my look at her obvious we usually catch glances for a moment until she goes off and makes herself busy with other customers until I look, I don't know, busy too I guess.

 

Perhaps you could finesse the question to her as opposed to asking her blatantly rather or not she is a Lesbian.

Well see this is how I tried originally, subtle manner, and she caught on or at least make an assumption rapidly and like a scared rabbit (thats the best way I can explain her "method" of expressing her orientation) she preached she was straight but we could still be friends. Friends is fine with me, but it is indeed the oddest friendship. My straight friends except the clingy one, haven't even got near her actions. Like I say, women around here are worse than the men about straight appearances, if you get too close or look wrong people may wonder, and she has broke all of that with me, and doesn't seem to do it with any other woman.

[Prufrock06]

Wow Jinx,

 

I completely understand where your coming from with your post! Even though we're in different stages of coming out, I can still sympathize with this turmoil that happens in social situations with friends or with family who don't know your orientation. For example, I was at a party the other night with a friend and one of the guys there went on about how so and so and such and such was "gay", so and so acted "like a straight up fag" etc. etc. etc. I didn't really get mad and my friend (the "straight" guy I'm interested in) looked concerned about me taking offense -- but I had to say to myself, I guess this is what happens when you're not flamboyantly gay and you don't wear your sexuality on your sleeve. I also wondered: what's the point in coming out to this total stranger, especially considering I'll probably never see him again for the rest of my life. Still, perhaps telling him I was gay would have shut him up or made him think twice, but I didn't want to go through the trouble of pulling something like that. It's always difficult not knowing when to keep quiet and when to stand your ground, especially when family is involved as is the case with you and FoxLocke. I know I'm not looking forward to the holidays this year and dealing with the standard homophobic talk from my uncle (who, funny enough, asked me if I asked for a lapdance on my Christmas List -- what should I say? Yes, but not a lapdance from a girl? All I told him on the phone was a hesitant "No..." and then we both laughed). Sometimes, if it doesn't bother you so much it's worth tolerating or having a good laugh about. But if its something that constantly eats away at you, then I might consider speaking out in some manner, if only to defend yourself.

 

"Then there is always the woman I was interested in before whom swore she was straight. Well, we had been very on and off on our socializing, and after awhile I threw my hands up in the air and gave up so to speak and decided to leave it up to her unless she was right there up close to talk to. Now she has taken to making an effort about speaking to me, actually just the other day, I seen her and she showed no sign of planning to talk so I went on walking. Next thing I know she is up beside me, it kind of startled me because usually I can hear people walking up behind me. Anyhow she initiated short conversation and then floated off in her own direction. She has done this many times since then. Then I caught her looking at me one day when I was reading, and then she looked away. This look, catch, look away, try again has gone on so many times I don't know what to think. Its odd, like this is some game about closer I get she pulls away, I pull away she moves in. Puzzles me. "

 

These straight crushes are always tormenting, aren't they? I too find myself concerned about how to broach the topic of asking someone their sexuality -- I mean, is that considered the polite thing to do? My friends think I should just out and out (no pun intended) ask my straight-seeming friend if he's gay but I just don't see how someone can drop a question like that and not expect some ramifications.

 

"Friends is fine with me, but it is indeed the oddest friendship." Perhaps that should be the motto for all straight/straight-seeming crushes, haha.

 

I hope things work out well with you and this girl. Seems to me like you might be right in your assumptions that she's not completely straight, but she might have a hard time coming to terms with it or even entertaining the notion which, again, is typically of those kinds of crushes. Please keep us all posted!

[UT]

Well, Jinx, as long as she seems to be interested in you there's still a chance. I really do believe that she is a little unsure of what she wants. You could try and once again, slowly get closer to her and eventually have dinner with her as a "friend." Maybe you could go from there and try and see if there a real romantically interest.

 

About your friend who is "drifting away." I think you should have a long talk to her about how she is handling your sexuality and if she thinks she will be okay with it and I think you should get someone else who can keep you updated on the social events.

 

For the friend who is taking an interest in you and have been since you came out. I think you should have a little talk with her as well. Maybe ask her about her thoughts of her own sexuality. She might be a little uncertain of her own sexuality and tries to get closer to you to get some answers. There are also two others possibilities. She might find herself attracted to you and tries to get closer to you. She now knows there's a chance and knows that you won't judge her. The third possibility is that she is just interested it the whole homosexuality thing. Homosexuality is a very interesting topic. Before I even started noticing I was gay or started feeling things (more than friendship for guys) I had a certain interest in homosexuality, I was fascinated by it. Why, I had no clue. I knew that I wanted to have a gay friend and I just thought "oh, how Cool it would be to have gay friend!"

 

I hope this will give you some kind of clarity. sooner or later, confusion meets clarity and you'll meet a wonderful woman.

[Jinx]

Given finals are over, it is doubtful I'll see her on Monday. Certain on campus businesses and such stay open for x amount of time after finals but this particular one doesn't so unless we just so happen to run into one another, I won't have another chance until early or mid January.

 

I'll be home for the Holidays, it may actually prove to have some type of soothing effect until we have our "current issues" and rant session which I get caught in the middle of. I think I may need to this break in order to think through everything as is and what approach to take next on all situations.

 

As for friends, the attitude seems catchy. Originally, I was supposed to be going to a Christmas party and later on New Years Event with friends, but it seems not so this year. The sudden "I don't know" has became catchy, which I find odd, but I'm not going to push it. They're usually extremely organized people with dates and plans down to the minute and for not a one to have a clue, well I just can't quite believe it. If I'm not welcome, their loss not mine.

 

Foxlocke, Prufrock and UT. Thank you three for the support in replies, I appreciate it, allowed me to get these concerns off my shoulders that had been getting,I suppose at least,a tad bit heavy.