Talking about sexuality

[Prufrock06]

Recently got off the phone with my family and I'm in a bit of a funk. I was talking with my sister and my Dad was sitting next to her working on his laptop -- I had her ask him, just as a point of interest, how I should let my grandparents and maternal aunt and uncle know that I'm gay.

 

BACKSTORY: My immediate family knows about my sexuality but not my relatives who we are going to visit -- and have always visited since time immemorial -- this Christmas. They do not know yet and I've been thinking these past couple weeks how to tell them -- if I even should.

 

My Dad seems concerned as to why I should make it "such a declaration." In a sense, I agree with him, but at the same time, how would such news end up NOT being a declaration, regardless of how I tell the rest of my extended family? I'm worried most about the reactions of my Uncle, my younger cousin, and my Grandparents (esp. my Grandmother who, just like my mother, is adpet at taking complicated issues and sweeping them under the proverbial rug instead of talking about them openly). The only person I would feel absolutely comfortable telling would be my Aunt -- but then again, if I tell one person, I feel compelled to tell them all. I feel like it would be even more complicated for my immediate family to know my sexuality and my other relatives being "in the dark."

 

But now I'm in that typical emotional cocktail of anger/sadness and I guess I'm just looking for some support/similar stories/advice. Other than my close friends and you kind people on this forum, there's really no one I can talk to about these issues. The fact that both my parents seem keen on not talking about this, or even asking me how I'm feeling or doing since coming out makes me angry to no end. My Dad (a journalist) wants to know my opinions on current events dealing with GLBT issues but he never asks me "So, how have you been getting along since coming out?", "Any luck meeting people?" etc. etc. And my mother can't even go into talking about anything remotely related to homosexuality without shutting down. Which I find funny (in both instances) because at the same time, our everyday relationship is the same as it always was and they stressed (but only when I first told them) that they loved me and didn't think less of me. Still, I know I can't count on them for any support this holiday season in regards to my extended family, which is another thing that upsets me.

 

And of course, along with this anger comes the typical catastrophizing: maybe I made the wrong choice in coming out, maybe I'm just going to end up alone for the rest of my life, maybe I shouldn't have done this, etc. etc. -- all of which (save for the fear of being alone) will dissipate in the morning but as of this writing are boiling in my mind and driving me crazy!

 

I guess the bottom line is: I wish my parents were more willing to talk to me and ask me about my personal feelings regarding my sexuality instead of refusing to talk about it in any deep, interesting way. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this or what to do regarding Christmas with the extended family?

 

Thanks for reading through this rant!

[Meow18]

Have you ever talked to your parents about the way you feel? Have you ever told them that you wish they would ask you about you and your life?

 

Don't be ashamed of coming out and telling your parents. You are who you are and unfortunantly, you feel like you have to hide it because unfortunantly, a lot of people are overly judgemental or in your parents case, afraid of it. But there's nothing wrong with who you are. Obviously your parents don't hate who you are because you would know if they did, so I think that just talking to them might help.

 

Why do you feel the need to tell your extended family right now? In my opinion, you should gain the full support of your parents. I don't think it's fair for you to hide it, but I also think that it's important to have support. Try talking to your parents and making them talk to you.

[mgirl]

Hi Prufrock (how did you get your username by the way?),

 

My parents don't talk about it with me either and never have, leaving me with the feeling that i have to deal with it on my own (my mum is completely closed to the matter but my dad is more open and would probably talk about it with me if i asked him). I am older now, in my 30s, so it isn't too bad, but it would have been a great help in my twenties.

 

I think it is a generational thing as to why parents don't talk about these things. When they were growing up, it would have been taboo. You may never get the closure or support you want from your parents, although your dad sounds more open to it than your mum.

 

As for telling the relatives, i have never considered such decisions or topics compulsary. There is no rule book that says you have to "come out" to anyone. For the sake of easiness, i found it easier to tell my parents when i was younger as it was an important part of who i am and i wanted them to know due to possibly bringing home a significant other, or what not.

 

I haven't told my extended family, although i would if they asked. Generally, my policy in these matters, with people i do not know that well and relatives, is to tell upon questioning, on an individual by individual basis, rather than making an announcement.

 

I don't think any individual should have to make an announcement about any aspect of their life, little lone their sexuality, but it is each person's choice. Some do it because they feel it would be easier to "get it over and done with", whereas others believe it is nobodies business. Still yet, i am sure there are others who are just too plain afraid.

 

My advice is to do what feels right for you. If you want to tell them, let it rip on Christmas day and be prepared for the aftermath (shock, acceptance, approval, non-chalance), or tell them when they ask about your dating life. I am sure word will get around.

[UT]

I think you should let them know that you want to talk about this. That you want them to ask you about how your day's been. Talking about it is the only way to finally accept it and be able to be open with it. It won't go away because they choose not to talk about it.

[FoxLocke]

I guess the bottom line is: I wish my parents were more willing to talk to me and ask me about my personal feelings regarding my sexuality instead of refusing to talk about it in any deep, interesting way. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this or what to do regarding Christmas with the extended family?

 

Thanks for reading through this rant!

 

 

I completely understand where you are coming from, Prufrock. That is why I am so afraid of coming out now. I keep playing these disasterous "What If" scenarios in my mind: "What if my family get together and gay bash me?" or "What if I am shunned by everyone that I know and loved and forced to live on skid row?" or, "what if I'm not really gay(I am by the way...haha)? What if I might miss the chance to be with a woman and be like everyone else?"

Those thoughts constantly permeate my mind, and reading your post further validated that the whole coming out process is universal.

 

I wish I could offer you some concrete advice, but I am still going through this myself. And you are further along in your coming out than I am!

 

The biggest thing for me is telling my mother. If she accepts me as gay, then that will be a load off. But I dread telling ANYONE in my extended family about it. They are all devout, southern, Christians, and we all know how tolerant they are of homosexuality(insert sarcasm here).

My grandmother believes that the bible is the LITERAL word of god, and that nothing in it should even be up for interpretation...She is 90 years old and set in her ways...

Furthermore, you have the "Because the bible says so" people...Those types who hardly ever read the bible in the first place, but say that being gay is bad, "Because the bible says so" even if said people are leading the most sinful heterosexual lives themselves...

 

Heh, I just went on my own little rant...But I can really relate to everything you said.

 

My advice is to just be true to yourself, and only do it if YOU feel right about it. I'm pretty sure your family won't mention it...

But, if your aunt or anyone asks whether you have a girlfriend or something then that is your golden oppurtunity...lol

I myself am sick and tired of the, "when are you going to get a girlfriend" questions...

[pianoguy]

Concerning your relatives: I understand what you are saying about the "announcement" problem. The first 5 or 6 people I told I used the announcment method, I took them aside to a quiet place and told them very gravely that I was gay, as though I were explaining that I had been diagnosed with cancer or something. This had two effects:

 

1) Awkwardness during and after the conversation, with intense closeness following about a week after

2) An airtight ship. My taking people aside individually impressed on them the gravity of the situation and guaranteed that they would tell no one, keeping my secret absolutely safe.

 

After I while I got tired of telling so many people individually, so I became more cavalier about the whole thing. I would make jokes like the following:

 

Me: I thought Catwoman was an okay movie, despite what the critics said.

Friend: Was that because it had an attractive scantily clad woman throughout the film?

Me: I can assure you that had no impact on me whatsoever.

 

My friend figured it out from this dialogue. Because the friend thought I didn't care who knew she began discussing it with everyone, which was exactly what I wanted and saved me a lot of grief.

 

So, there are ways around the announcement method (although with relatives, it may be the best choice). Is it entirely necessary that you tell you relatives? There's lots of people in my life that I'm close to who have no idea, I just feel no need to tell them. None of my extended family knows, and that's cool with me.

[Jinx]

It seems to me that they are both in a way still in the denial stage or have picked to keep it quiet. I assume this by the way your father seems so concerned about making an announcement. To be honest, when there is family around we're constantly making announcements of one sort or another of things that have happened or we've decided on but...Wait. HALT. Stop. When it comes to an annoucement of that sort, like its an attempt to protect your father and mother. Its not like he has said, "I'm worried for your safety, that they may not take it well." For some reason I'm getting this "Oh please don't let them know the truth, think about us." attitude from what you've described. Secondly, when he does accept its towards his business, journalism and opinions.

 

I think as others have recommended, Talk to them. Your mother's shutting down on sexuality seems to be a major defense mechanism associated with denial or related to that. She may be the most difficult, your father may be feeling the same way just taking it differently. You'll just need to bring up your concerns, see how they respond. It truly depends how deep into denial they are, closer to the surface easier it will be to deal, its good sign that they haven't acted in any other negative ways. Sometimes deep denial may take months or even years before the person has the lightbulb come on and can learn to deal peacefully with the information. Some never do, but thats not what you want to hear and I doubt is the case anyhow.

 

Nonetheless, as things work in the world, your extended family either finds out from you or your extended family finds out from the world. I think they'd probably take it better hearing it from you, not having second hand news. If they're going to accept it then they may feel not included (I can't think of a better phrase to explain it) if they have to find it out from someone else which may start bitter feelings that way, that they think you don't trust them enough to say it to their face. Its complicated but thats about my two cents of the moment in advice.

 

They are all devout, southern, Christians, and we all know how tolerant they are of homosexuality(insert sarcasm here). Furthermore, you have the "Because the bible says so" people...Those types who hardly ever read the bible in the first place, but say that being gay is bad, "Because the bible says so" even if said people are leading the most sinful heterosexual lives themselves...

 

Sounds just like my family, parents and sibling to the extended family. Conservative Christians. Period. Then I live around a community where there is a majority of either true Christians OR more annoying, the fad Christians (as I call them), ones who say "The Bible Says So, so there." but meanwhile on Friday evening they're engaging in unprotected premartial sex, under the influence of hard drugs (not speaking of marijuana, they're off on the crack boat), and are drunk some even driving (of all things) and then they go off on a religious rant about homosexuality being bad and we're all going to burn in hell (Meanwhile on the side they're whining "Why won't you just legalize the damn drugs?").

[James005]

Hi, I have to agree with you, it is too bad your parents don't take more of a proactive supporting role with you. YOu are there son afterall. As for 'the fam' you raised a great point about your aunt. From what you have stated she seems like the best person to help you out. If you are comfortable start with your aunt as well, ask her what she thinks about telling the rest of the fam, she is the sister she does know them a bit more than you. Also, your right, you don;t have to go tell everyone I guess thats more of a judgement call, do what you feel comfortable with. Tell who you feel comfortable with telling. Another thing to keep in miond, its X-mass, a stressfull time for a lot of people, sure everyone is together and it makes it easier, but think about how much more special it would be for you on your own time to personally contact family via phone/email/snail mail... leats that way, if they don't want to respond they dont have to, and since it is on paper (should you use the mail method) they can save it, look back when ready and reply when comfortable.

 

Hope this helps

Have a great X-Mass

 

James005

[Prufrock06]

Wow, thanks everyone for the kind and helpful responses!

 

I think I'm going to stay away from making any official, Christmas-dinner type "toast' if you will and probably just think about bringing it up ONLY if it gets brought up first (as in "have you met any girls lately?" or if my uncle decides to take me to a strip club -- which he took me to on my 21st birthday -- in which case I would tell him not to waste his time anymore, haha). That way, I'll feel like I'm being honest about myself without necessarily throwing it out there like some kind of blatant display (ie. "Oh, Prufrock's gay -- let's spend the rest of the holidays focussing on that!") And thanks, James, for bringing up the idea that Xmas is stressful for everyone -- makes me think I should wait until AFTER the 25th to bring this up (if that's what I decide to do). Ultimately, I guess I won't know how to handle the situation once it arises, but I will most definitely keep all of your posts in mind, not only for their great advice but for their votes of confidence as well

 

As for trying to get my parents and I to have a more open dialogue out this, I think it's best to play that by ear as well. I understand that they need time to "cope" with this news (although there are times when I really don't buy the whole "mourning process" argument); I guess I'm just frustrated that we all can't just talk about this nonchalantly the way they talk with my little sister about her boyfriend.

 

P.S. Mgirl -- My username is from one of my favorite poems, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot. That's also where I get the verse in my forum signature from.