Should I stay or should I go now?

[hsanderz]

My husband and I've been married for 2 years, together for 4. In the beginning, I set a boundary: no porn. He agreed to respect my wishes. A month before our wedding I was looking for toilet paper and found porn photos. These women were in positions that he always asks me to be in – I felt stupid, betrayed & heartbroken. He vowed to never do it again out of respect to me and the 1 thing I ever asked of him.

 

2 weeks ago my computer died and I had to use his. It was filled with porn. He hid it by putting it in his work folders, but the virus scan pulled them up. What stood out were the dates: until recently we were rarely out of the house at the same time (we both worked from home), and the dates & times of the downloads matched almost EVERY time I left the house.

 

I almost left, but I stayed. He said this time he said do whatever it took to stop.

 

But now our sex is impersonal and usually in a position that keeps us from looking at each other or in the dark. We rarely hug or kiss. Part of me is glad for the lack of affection, but part of me needs it now more than ever.

 

My husband is a wonderful man and aside from this, he's never hurt me in any way. I forgave last time and I'm prepared to forgive again, but is this something he will be able to stop, or just get better at hiding? Am I a chump setting myself up for more heartbreak?

 

Thank you for any advice you can send my way.

[faeriechyld]

I have two views on this, on the one hand I don't really understand why it bothers so many women that their boyfriend looks at porn. If it does not affect your physical relationship, why does it bother you?

On the other hand, since you specifically told him that this bothered you, he should have respected your wishes and not looked at it or he should have told you right then and there that that was a problem for him. He should have not hidden this habit from you as being honest is always better than lying. You said yourself, you feel betrayed and lost.

You can look at it two ways. You can look at it as, it's pictures on a computer or in a magazine of a woman he will never have but that helps him with his overactive sex drive that plenty of men have and try to accept this but make sure that it doesn't go overboard in that it interferes with your sex life. OR you can look at it as a trust issue. You confided in him that it bothered you and that was the one thing you couldn't handle. Not only did he do what you asked him not to do he LIED about it. Can you forgive him again?

To be perfectly honest, the fact that you have taken this habit away from him is already affecting your relationship. I would suggest talking to him about why he did what he did and perhaps you could even find it in yourself to come to a compromise. That's all I can say on this, I wish you luck.

[hsanderz]

Thank you so much for your reply and for your honesty. I know there's a big split with how people feel about porn. I can tell you where I'm coming from (the why). It really doesn't matter though - it was the one thing I ever asked of him. I'll tell you anyway, just so you can see it a little more from my shoes.

 

I was molested as a child and raped as a teen. I have an intimacy problem and never allowed myself to get close to anyone, emotionally or physically. I had sex, but it never meant anything to me and was never 'intimate'...just a physical act that felt nice for a few minutes.

 

My husband came out of nowhere and blew all of my theories and protective shields to bits. When I met him, I WANTED to have sex, to be intimate...to explore.

 

I have no problem with people looking at porn if it's okay with their significant other. But, it is a problem for me. I'm almost 30 years old now, and finally learning how to enjoy sex. I'm very confident and self assured, except where it comes to sex. He's not a very patient teacher, but I'm learning. I admit that it hurts my self esteem that he looks at porn. But it also hurts the core of who I am and what I've overcome.

 

He knew he was getting a sexual novice when he met me. He knew there was baggage coming along for the trip, and because of the rest of who I am, he chose to accept the challenge.

 

Can you understand more now why it's more than just my self-esteem that's damaged? I can deal with this and get over it. I just need to know if I'm deceiving myself...is he going to just get better at hiding it? He cried for hours when I found out...he swore he wouldn't do it again. But that's what he said last time. I can forgive him, if I can believe it's over with...I just don't know which is stronger - his fondness for porn, or giving it up to help me.

 

Sorry this post is so long. I'm new to message boards and etiquette.

[faeriechyld]

Ah, ok I understand your feelings now. Well, I can't say for sure whether you are deceiving yourself or not, but as you said, he has done it before. Since he knew all of this coming into the relationship, I will lie very heavily on my trust comment earlier. You're willing to forgive him, but as you said, this is the second time. Maybe you could find out why he did it again, what prompted him to, knowing how much it would hurt you. And I'm sure if he continues to do it, you will find out sooner or later. He can only hide such things for so long.

Talk to him and be completely open and let him explain himself. Don't just let him sit there and swear up and down he won't do it again, that's just a way to get you to forgive him. Really have an adult conversation about it.

[hsanderz]

Thank you so much.

 

He said he did it because:

 

1) he didn't undertand how much I meant it when I said "no porn" (when we got together and when I found the porn in the bathroom).

 

2) we were 'having problems' (he was having a tough time looking for a new job...one where I was not his boss).

 

He is really a great guy and together, we've become better people. I'm older than him and a little stronger in my communications/relationship skills, but he's learning. So, we have talked about it, but I can only vouch for how honest I have been.

 

He's also lied in the past. He used to have a drug problem, which he overcame shortly before he met me. He has taken drugs while we were out with friends (twice) and denied it, even when I already knew he had done it. I never judged him or yelled at him...I've been very supportive about it, so I'm not sure why he chose to lie.

[m3chris]

To me it sounds like your husband loves you. Like so many people have said to me....porn is an addiction. You need to look at it that way. Even though it hurts like crazy. I've heard the "I'll stop doing porn" promise more times than I would like to hear, and it never happens.

 

You didn't set yourself up. Its a problem your husband is going through, and you are being forced to deal with it. I remember when I first found my husband did porn. My husband knew I hated porn before we got married. I found out he did it 2 months after my son was born. I couldn't have sex for another month, plus I still had the aftermath of the after-pregnancy-pudge. Never have I ever felt SO ugly.....and I couldn't do anything about it at the time. You have to eat alot when breast-feeding so weigt-loss wasn't really an option.

 

Put your foot down. And then be smart enough to know what to look for when he does it. I'll send you a private message for details. As long as he is so loving about you finding out, and as long as you stay loving back....and willing to help him through this....you will both come out on top.

[garymax]

Every married woman should be the desire and the ONLY desire of her husband.

 

It's not fair for any married woman (or even a single woman who's dating) to have to compete with the latest centerfold or the women on TV.

 

When a man allows pornographic images to invade his thought life, it leads him down a road that seems very titillating (no pun intended) but will eventually lead to heartache and in some cases, a ruined marriage.

 

Every women deserves to be the one and only--after all, that's what the marriage vows said, didn't they? And to say that porn is only a harmless fantasy, is a joke. If it were, we wouldn't be here talking about the heartaches and concerns. God has other ideas. Remember God? The one who created sex? He said that to even look upon a woman to lust is the SAME as committing the act. Obviously, He judges by a different set of standards.

 

And unbeknownst to most folk, if you think about something long enough, you will perpetuate the act. So, your husband's thought life as well as your own is very important.

 

I would talk to him and let him know your feelings. And if that doesn't work and he is not willing to change, I would recommend Christian counseling.

 

Remember: no one can be tempted by what he does not think about.