I want to give up right now on everything..I feel like I'm worthless.

[sweetheart230]

um if a guys really hot and wants to get laid he'll go with the girl who is the most likely to have sex with him (not the best catch, just the most likely to give him some)

 

That's what someone responded to when I started a thread saying that I kept hooking up with hot, sought after guys and I really really didn't think I was good enough to date and I didn't know what to do about it. It's bad enough that I already have self esteem issues and that I have had some very horrible people trying to make me feel bad, but I always thought this forum was a place for advice. I don't know what to even say to that.

 

So apparently, I'm right. I'm a piece of crap and not worth anyone's time and apparently not a catch at all? Let's forget the fact that I don't give these guys any indication that I want to sleep with them (I dress conservatively and I only smile and laugh...nothing more). And the fact that these guys have girls throwing themselves all over them, and somehow wind up hitting on me. Apparently I'm just an ugly disgusting not worthy of anything piece of crap who isn't a catch at all.

 

All I wanted was some advice on how to start getting back into the dating world. I guess I can't ask anybody for advice without having my feelings hurt. I wanted someone to help me, not tell me that I'm easy and not a catch. I don't give sleep around. I don't have a bad reputation. I don't throw myself at men. I don't even flirt with them.

 

I just want to give up. I used to think I was at least beautiful, but apparently I'm no catch at all, just a goddamn ( ) who looks easy to screw. Maybe my low self esteem was just an accurate assessment of myself. Maybe my I deserved to get raped when I was drunk and then have an ex boyfriend who left me crying when I was shaking from how bad it hurt when we had sex. You know, I always thought I was deserving of love and respect from a man. But I guess I'm not a catch. I'm just a easy, despite not being easy or putting out.

 

I have friends who are jealous of the way I look and make rude comments about how every guy is staring at me (I feel like I have to defend myself all the time and be like "oh no, its just cause my hair is a mess") or gripe about how I still look good without makeup. I have boys who only want to screw me. I have a mom who is so tired of listening to my bull she doesn't know what to do. My dad has been dead for nearly a decade and I miss him. I have a life that outwardly seems so wonderful, but is feels so painful and worthless. No one wants me. I don't know what to do. According to that poster, I'm not a catch. So really, what can I do?

 

I look at pictures of myself, I look in the mirror and see someone so beautiful...someone who grew up ugly but has been blessed with a great body and a beautiful face. But apparently I'm not a catch at all, am I? I'm just easy.

[chai714]

Sweetheart,

 

Before re-entering the dating scene, it's probably best to work on yourself. You're not the only person that should either. Anyone who feels as if they are "not worthy" or who otherwise considers themselves to be "undesireable" ought to make sure they're happy with themselves first.

 

Find out how self-esteem works and how you can raise your own. One excellent source on how it works can be found at

 

Self-esteem does not come in a bottle. It takes constant work and it is a result of how you live your life. If you take just a little piece of time to learn about it and how you can improve yours, then you will be much happier with yourself and as a result your relationship with others can and will improve dramatically. I'm not promising you anything, but take some time and invest in YOURSELF.

 

Another option in addition to educating yourself might be seeing a professional. I've seen one before and it was an eye-opening experience. I've gone to more than a few sessions and had the opportunity to learn about myself. Now, when people tell me they're going to see a psychologist I tell them how lucky they are rather than how unlucky they are. You're in control of your life, so take initiative to make it better. Good luck.

[sweetheart230]

I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to think when I come here for advice and people tell me that I'm not a catch, that i'm just easy. I say that I want to get into the dating scene, instead of just hooking up but nobody wants me and then someone just tells me that I'm not a catch...that I just look easy.

 

I just broke nc.

[jaiva]

I so want to say the f word. Forget what everyone is says. You are beautiful even if your face looks like it has been slammed into a wall and ran over by a car. Never give sex to anyone that you do not love. Sex is so much more than the act. Men will look at me when I am in my pajamas, have a scarf on my head and still have I eye crusts. Take it as a compliment not as them thinking of you being easy. But like I said forget about what everyone else thinks of you and just be the beautiful you that you are.

Hope I helped.

[Dating Coach]

sweatheart, self pity does not suit you...

[SexySadie7]

Sweetheart.. i'm truly sorry that when you came asking for advice.. all you got were hostile responses from people. Obviously they have issues of their own.

No.. no one can assess if you are "easy", whatever that means. or not a catch.. First off.. we don't know you.. second.. we don't know what you look like or what your other attributes were.. So for them to do that without all that knowledge was just plain wrong.

I don't know what to tell you dear, cuz i'm running thru the same thing myself lately. I just met this guy and apparently though he said i was beautiful and pretty.. now..we slept together and now for whatever reason he can't give me the time of day.

It sucks i know.. it's like so many guys think they can run this little "game" where they try their darnest to make you think they like you as a person, then when believe them, after they sleep you, suddenly you become "worthless" and a S-L-U-T in their eyes..

It's completely messed up way to treat a woman.. but apparently lots of guys haven't grown up yet and have to act like teenagers out of some locker room!

You know what that tells me about the guy... that sex is meaningless to him regardless of whom he's slept with, it's not you.. really.. it's them.. They are too immature to handle a relationship or remain friends with you after you become intimate.

Cuz guys like that are jerks.. it doesn't really matter if they are handsome or well-endowed or whatever.. Inside they are lacking something.. and they have to prove themselves as men by bedding as many women as possible. It's sad.. but that how alot of guys are. Not ALL guys are like that though.. so keep hope.

Now.. you wrote, "Maybe my I deserved to get raped when I was drunk and then have an ex boyfriend who left me crying when I was shaking from how bad it hurt when we had sex."

Whoa, child, no one , i repeat no one deserves to be raped!! Don't ever think that you deserved that if that has happened to you.. This a crime and you are a survivor of that crime.. Have you been to a rape counselor? Rape is a horribly traumatic event... unless you have been there you don't realize how much it can effect your self esteem or world.

It wouldn't hurt to maybe go talk to someone.

If you are as beautiful as you say.. then it's no doubt that guys are attracted to you.. You have to convey to them though that you are worth more than sex.

If you have a healthy self esteem that's a lot easier to do.

Please don't think i've tried to put you down... i just want to see you happier..

I've also had my feelings badly hurt on this forum when i've asked for advice and it's been a similar situation to yours. Where the guys take advantage of you cuz you are friendly to them... or sleep with them..

Now someone tell me this.. why aren't guys thought of as "easy" cuz they sleep with lots of women? No.. they are thought of as successful.. a ladies man.. gawd.. how i despise this stupid double standard we still have in this country!!

You take care sweetheart.. PM me if you would like.

[catgirl82]

sweetheart,

i am so sorry that youre feeling this way. sometimes people put things way too bluntly and are not always sensitive to how youre going to react on this website. the same has happened to me. especially when youre feeling extra vulnerable, the last thing you want is "tough love"

 

what that person said to you is a HUGE generalization. and whats happened to you has happened to me...

here is a little about me. and i do not mean to sound like im bragging here, just want to let you know that i know how you feel.

 

i am a 23 year old girl who is very smart, ambitious, funny, with lots of friends. i am in a prestigious graduate school and im doing well for myself. i live in a beautiful apartment in a beautiful city.

i am a pretty girl and people tell me so every day.

 

when i go out, i do not throw myself at guys. i dont dress provocatively.

occaisionally, i will meet that super cute guy that everyone wants, and to my surprise, he will want me.

 

sooo, we'll go out, have fun, and start "hooking up". eventually the lust and infatuation fades and things just come to an end. a couple of times, hooking up has meant sex.

 

eventually i realize that the guy wasnt really interested in a relationship.

 

ive regretting sleeping with the guy too soon, but you know what? life goes on and we learn from these experiences.

 

i dont think these guys took one look at me and said "she looks easy, im going for her". i think i caught their interest, and probably was a little too lax in what i was willing to do and not do.

 

you need to stop worrying that people think you are worthless. you are having sex with these guys because you are CHOOSING too (unless god forbid you are raped). guys are not "targetting you" because they think you are cheap and easy.

 

the key is to set up standards and rules in your own head. if you are ok with sleeping with a guy who is not your boyfriend, then you need to be prepared for the consequences. you also need to always be safe. i am not judging you because i have done the same and i am sure millions of us do it every day.

 

dating is soooo freaking hard. each "failure" is a lesson that you need to take with you for the next guy.

 

sweetheart, please dont be so down on yourself. im sorry you took that comment so hard but i dont think it has the least bit of truth to it.

 

dont ever let anybody bring down your self worth. you know deep down you are a catch and your friends who are criticizing you are just jealous and not real friends if they are ok with making you feel this way

 

PM me if you need support

[shes2smart]

If you try to get back into the dating scene now when you are so clearly down on yourself, you will attract men who will treat you badly.

 

Re-read what chai714 posted about working on yourself. Until you learn to value, respect, and love yourself your chances of finding someone who will value, respect and love you are not good. People treat us as badly or as well as we allow them to.

 

jaiva also had a good point when she said to forget what others think of you. If you have a good opinion of yourself, it wouldn't matter what others thought...especially the opinions of people who you don't even know. The fact that you are upset about that is a huge indication that you have some work to do.

 

If you want to eventually be in a good, healthy, loving relationship, you need to start with the relationship you have with yourself. It is from the relationship we have with ourselves that all others spring.

[Beec]

sweetheart,

 

First of all, men would not be continually trying to get in your pants, if they did not think they were worth getting into.

 

Second, you know the looks you get from men you have never met, so you know you are physically desirable.

 

So, where is the problem, if there is one? Between your ears. We all have our problems in there. One of yours maybe that you don't value yourself highly enough. You can work on that.

 

And as far as what people say hear, well, there are those here that agree and disagree with me, some have been public. You need to understand that most people here are rank amatuers with common levels of insight. You need to get advice and think about what sounds right, not just accept or reject it out of hand. Consider it, and if it is awful, disregard it.

 

Keep plugging.

[theantibarbie23]

I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to think when I come here for advice and people tell me that I'm not a catch, that i'm just easy.

 

I just read the thread you are referring to and you got TONS of good advice. There was one person whom made a negative comment. Sometimes people's opinions may not be kind or constructive. Unfortunately, that's the price that's paid for posting on a public forum.

 

Please try and see all the positive things that were said from your post. Stop beating yourself up over one comment made by a complete stranger. You need to learn to shake things like that off to survive in this world. Let it go.

[RayKay]

I just read the thread you are referring to and you got TONS of good advice. There was one person whom made a negative comment. Sometimes people's opinions may not be kind or constructive. Unfortunately, that's the price that's paid for posting on a public forum.

 

Please try and see all the positive things that were said from your post. Stop beating yourself up over one comment made by a complete stranger. You need to learn to shake things like that off to survive in this world. Let it go.

 

Yeah, I agree, I reread the posts, and I certainly did not see that everyone was putting you down. There were tons of helpful people trying to encourage you and support you, and teach you how not to get into those situations. But for you, only one post that was negative stood out.

 

Your self esteem is terribly low, so I think you read things in a different way then they are presented to you, and you tend to exaberate the negative, and forget the positive things.

 

I agree with Chai, and others whom said that BEFORE you get in the dating scene, you need to work on your own self worth. Because anyone whom says 'I am worthless and deserve abuse" needs a serious self-makeover from the INSIDE. That kind of belief will only hurt you over and over again.

 

There are people with whom things don't work out with, there are people whom are not interested in relationships, there will be lots of rejection, there are people whom will not see you as THEIR type, but that does not reflect on YOU as a person in the least bit. It just means...either you deserve better anyway, or you were not right for one another.

[sarangeh]

I used to think like you too. My parents are separated and I lived with my wicked aunt (back in highschool) and she constantly makes me feel like sooo unattractive and undesirable (like calling me ugly or my boobs is too big and also some ppl from school making fun of me the asme way.), because I feel that way, I have no confidence in myself. Afraid to be laughed at, so the whole four years of highschool I decided to remain as unnoticed as possible. (wallflower the geek)Feeling the way you are feeling now. I grew up without parents, so no one is there to teach me how to dress-up and be stylish.

 

I moved up here, and I gathered my courage to buy new things and start the change and experiment. I worked on myself. I want to do this FOR ME, not just for everybody else. I learned to appreciate myself more. In time, I gained my confidence and self esteem. You yourself will know, when you look attractive or not, or when you feel confident.

 

I had to tell you something about me, so that you can see, that I had gone thru what your going thru. I understand how you feel. But if you're not going to fight for yourself, who will. Dont think about what others think of you. If they got a problem with the way you look, let them deal with it. When it comes to guys,

 

um if a guys really hot and wants to get laid he'll go with the girl who is the most likely to have sex with him (not the best catch, just the most likely to give him some)

 

That's what someone responded to when I started a thread saying that I kept hooking up with hot, sought after guys and I really really didn't think I was good enough to date and I didn't know what to do about it. It's bad enough that I already have self esteem issues and that I have had some very horrible people trying to make me feel bad, but I always thought this forum was a place for advice. I don't know what to even say to that.

 

So in other words, you think you are the type that HOT guys go for. just because they think that you are easy. If these is how you think, then beat them to it. Being intimate with someone is your choice. Its a matter if you are ready to do it or not. Just to let you know, I'm a 25 year old virgin. Its my choice. And you dont need those type of guys anyway.

 

My advise, is to learn to appreciate yourself more. Love yourself. It has to start from YOU. Try experimenting new things.

[lunatic]

Sweetheart,

 

First off going to bars and clubs is in no way a good place to meet anyone who has anything but, a one night stand in mind. We all have self value and it seems to me that your having a hard time finding it. I too looked at your previous posts and only saw one poster that was boderline insulting.

 

I wanted to tell you a secret that I am afraid of being alone and not finding the love of my life. Lets go over all the things that have happened to me in my love life. I dated a woman in high school that I was totally and madly in love with. She cheated on me so many times that it nearly drove me crazy. Then I dated a wonderful woman who I almost married. That is the one that got away from me and I regret it to this day.

 

Years later I went back to my high school sweetheart the sameone as before. We lived together for a few years and she milked $30,000 dollars from me. When I told her the well was dry and I could not help her out we broke up a few weeks later after she found another man to rob. To add insult to injury my ex made me pay my half of the rent $750 a month for six months and screwed me out of my securty deposit. The worst part was she was living with the guy she left me for. She told me that I was useless and ugly. No one would put up with my crap and that I was a misurable person. She had me believing that I was ugly and I was lucky she stayed with me.

 

The list goes on and on with me and I could be here all day long. I wanted to tell you something that no one else knew beside Christine(my ex). The point is that beauty is not only on the outside it comes from the inside. I am sure your a beautiful person inside and out. You need to find yourself again because your way too hard on yourself. There are men out there that are like preditors and will use and abuse you. At the same time there are men like me that will love you for the beauty that is inside and out. You should really not be dating at this time because you don't love who you are.

 

You need to find out who you are and why you feel the way you do. There is an old saying that "you can never truly love another till you love yourself first."

 

You are a beautiful person and you have to believe that. We all have an inner beauty that one person may not see or appriecate but, you will meet that person one day who will. You need to sort out your issues now because when you do you want to be ready for him. I know what it is like to be afraid to be alone and how it feels like a loser because your single. Embrass it hun and figure out why you feel the way you do.

 

If you ever need to talk PM me.

 

You are beautiful believe me you are. You need to start to love that wonderful woman inside of you. We are all special and you need to realize that. Dont let a few bad experiences take away the joy of being alive and healty.

 

 

Hub

[lillady898]

You know what, Sweetheart? I completely understand where you're coming from on this.

 

You feel lost in a situation, you're confused, you need a tactful second opinion and just one person to be compassionate and understanding. Then you begin to hear that it's your fault. Or that maybe you're just imagining things. Or, while you just needed a good vent, people claim you are wallowed up in self pity. They try to "tell you like it is" and "don't beat around the bush." That's not what it takes for good advice. I've been here for over a year and have watched the advice of some of the folks on here develop. While it used to be whole-hearted, helpful, compassionate, and still very real advice, now some of them focus on black and white, "it is what it is and nothing more" advice. It only takes that one time for someone to negatively assume your position when you're in a time of need, and you feel even more alone than before.

 

Ignore the posts that don't even bother to put your situation into perspective. I've had countless people on this forum say that I've brought situations onto myself or I'm just imagining things. That's when you move on to the next post. There are a lot of people on here that do understand and do sincerely want to help. Go ahead and vent. If someone says you're wallowing in your self pity, let them talk. You're getting your feelings out there in a constructive way, which in my opinion, is a great thing.

 

Please, I just don't want you to turn away from using this forum. It does help a lot, and just because there's a few rotten eggs, don't let it get under your skin.

 

You really need to make changes in your life. Don't get downhearted because you're not completely sure of yourself. It takes time to develop self-esteem. It can take months, or even years. Become the person you want to be. I know it's hard, especially if you're not exactly sure who it is you want to be, but it will happen when you develop the strength and confidence to stick by all that you stand for.

 

I've recently quit drinking, which was pretty difficult when 20 of the people I'm around the most and can't avoid (they're my hockey team), are constantly drinking? It's definetly hard when I have people asking, "Why won't you drink" and people do get a bit uncomfortable. I decided to not let those people define who I want to be and take control of my life. If they can't understand, then that gives me a better understanding that those are the people that I don't want to be around. I just wanted to give you a bit of perspective on my situation there, in case you can somehow apply it to your own.

 

If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to pm me. Things will get better.

[sweetheart230]

I just want to say thank for the support. I've been doing better, but I obviously have some problems. I have some bad moments. And to be honest, most people are so helpful and understanding that when something like that comes up it makes me really upset.

 

Let me clarify...I've only had sex with two people in my entire life. I don't ever refer to the first one because I was passed out when I lost my virginity to a stranger. I DON'T have sex with these men. I have made out with them and let them finger me sometimes, but I havn't had done more than that with anyone but my ex in over a year.

 

And my friend (who is very jealous and has self esteem issues herself) said the same thing to me. When I visited her at Halloween, this very attractive, sought after guy was surrounded by girls and she told me she wanted to have sex with him, and asked if I would "get with him" and then ask her to do a three way with us. I told her no, and that she was free to "get with him" herself. She said she couldn't because he was surrounded with girls trying to kiss him and sit on his lap. He hit on a few minutes later, and we hung out. My friend tried to make out with me to get his attention, and when I refused she went up to him and told him to make me make out wiht her. Anyway, later he and I and wound up making out (alone). The next day, she told me that "guys only choose the girls that look like slts and not girls girls who are pretty". So it sounded exactly like what my friend said. I guess thats why it hit a nerve.

 

I usually don't pity myself this much. That just really hit a nerve with me. I'm sorry. I just have this fear inside that no man will ever value me or see me as worth anything...and that fear seemed to be validated by her post. I'm sorry if I sound pathetic at times. Thank you all for listening to me.

[PocoDiablo]

First off, one thing I learned is to associate a value to the person who is telling you something, and apply that value to their words.

 

Let's say someone called you ugly, let's try a score:

Enemy = 0.

Stranger = 1.

Classmate = 2.

Friends = 3.5

Sister = 5.

Best friend = 7.5

Mother/Father 9.

YOU = 10.

 

So I think you need to stop and think about these folks who are talking to you. How much do you trust them? Do they always look out for you? No? Don't value their words as much. You will obviously have to adjust people on the scale.

 

Now as far as your jealous friend, well, wow I would not listen to her. With friends that like, who need enemies? She's HARSH, and it sounds like SHE has the reputation. I bet if you stopped hanging out with her the types of guys you met would change.

 

From what I can tell, you are a very complex, thoughtful, aware, and respectable woman. You're probably a lot like my fiance. There are real men out there (although they are probably older than the guys you are used to) who do look for the perfect woman. Sounds like you, in a way.

 

You need to raise your standards. Look for a man. Real men do not talk about sex from the get-go, only boys do. So the next time a boy starts to talk about sex, just walk away.

[catgirl82]

your friend sounds like she was just using you to get the guys attention- and she was just making herself look dumb by trying to make out with you and pull all that stuff at the party.

 

so obviously, dont trust anything she says. not only does her opinion not matter, its probably biased and extra negative b/c she wants to bring you down.

 

she is JEALOUS!!!!

 

your friend is jealous of YOU!! now what does that do for your self esteem? see how much more mature you are than her? thats probably why the guy wanted to kiss you and not her

[teacup]

sweetheart,

 

First of all, men would not be continually trying to get in your pants, if they did not think they were worth getting into.

 

Second, you know the looks you get from men you have never met, so you know you are physically desirable.

 

So, where is the problem, if there is one? Between your ears. We all have our problems in there. One of yours maybe that you don't value yourself highly enough. You can work on that.

 

And as far as what people say hear, well, there are those here that agree and disagree with me, some have been public. You need to understand that most people here are rank amatuers with common levels of insight. You need to get advice and think about what sounds right, not just accept or reject it out of hand. Consider it, and if it is awful, disregard it.

 

Keep plugging.

 

i agree.