Vote On No Contact?

[Lil Punkin]

Just wanted to start a new thread on NC.

 

What's the vote....Is NC more effective if done with no warning? Ie, you just stop calling, texting, emailing etc...?

 

Or is a warning necessary? I am asking because if you TELL someone you won't contact them...and then yu do (out of weakness or whatever) will they think you're a froot loop or weak? Also, then they will EXPECT you to not contact them so it won't really be a shock will it?

 

How golden IS silence in this situation??

[lonelyfish]

I don't think it matters if you tell them that your going to N/C or not - like the Nike ad - JUST DO IT!!!!

[Kimmikazi]

I figured it out this way for myself...I've done the whole -exlaining it to them, trying to work things out, contacting etc...but then again I've done the no contact, no returning calls, etc....-

 

Now...I realize...What's meant to be, will be. If you have to ignore the person for them to realize what they have...then maybe that should be a hint of what's not truly meant to be...and if you feel like you have to bother the person and keep contacting them...that also should make one see what's not meant to be.

 

I've come to the conclusion, that I'll keep things under control...where ever the break up/split goes..If it's a need to call, I'll call...if it just seems right to let go..I'll let go. So thereforeeee...I don't think you should "warn" them...that's just...ridiculous.."Just so you know, I'm not contacting you.." I don't know...I think things are better off being taken by course(...If that makes sense...)

 

What's meant to be...WILL ALWAYS FIND IT'S WAY...Forceful or not.

[Lil Punkin]

Thanks Kimmi..you make some very valid points there.

 

A lot of people think their ex'es are going to to find them "rude" or mean...if you just stop contacting them. Perhaps it depends on the circumstances?

 

Of course I am referring to relationships that are either..on the way to ending, have already ended (romantically)..or if someone wants to remain on a 'friend" basis. Maybe "warning" someone you are going NC with is counterproductive. And I do agree with the other poster...JUST DO IT!!!!

[Lil Punkin]

One more thing I want to add is this...

 

I think the idea of NC is frightening to someone who still holds hope in their heart to salvage their relationship. It is probably the fear of the unknown..and not being able to "forsee' the outcome of their actions. ..but what IS NC? Is it an action?? NC is actually the act of doing absolutely NOTHING.

 

Is the idea of sitting still with your feelings and emotions, and doing NOTHING scarier than you ever imagined?? Well for ME it is...but I think it's scary because at the end of it all..I will find out what I knew all along...it really IS over. Yes I will be closer to healing.....but that does little to comfort me. Hence the cycle to constantly battle myself...am I doing enough? Am I making the right decision? Etc....It's nerve racking lol

[redandblack]

For me, the best No/Low Contact strategy has been unannounced. This way I can always just say something like "sorry, but I am busy". Announced NC has always been very tough to keep. There is a lot of pressure on the "rule" when it is out in the open. Also, it easily gets interpreted as 'mean', even though that shouldn't matter in a lot of people's cases. However, I would rather just seem too busy to be available, because I still care for my ex even though I am moving on.

 

Also, I think unannounced no/low contact gives the other person a better mindset to clear things up for themselves so they aren't always thinking about "the rule".

 

However, everyone has their own ways! This is mine.

 

It will be interesting to see what others say.

[melrich]

I think it depends on the circumstances. If the split is acrimonious it is probably better to just walk away. If the split is handled well I think it is polite to explain what you need to do to heal.

[ZoeMatthews]

Well, the 2nd week after my ex broke up with me, I started calling him practically every night...I could tell he was annoyed...finally he told me that I was not giving him the space/break that he had asked for...I stopped contact for exactly 10 days..

 

I ended up calling him because I needed some paperwork...I had just gotten laid off...so I guess it was a good excuse to break NC, I actually had to do it.

 

It was nice to see him and for some reason we ended up having sex...he was lonely and I was lonely

 

according to my notes (yes, I do keep a journal!)...I called him back the next day (Tuesday) to ask him if I could use him as a personal reference...he said okay. I kept the converstation very short..

 

He called me on Thursday to tell me someone had called him to verify the reference...I said okay...again, the conversation was very short...

 

He has been calling me on and off for the past few days and I don't know if I should tell him to stop calling me or not.

 

He called me yesterday and today...

 

So, I am not hurting as much...and I do miss him, but I don't miss his phone calls...

 

Does NC work..yes...but you have to be strict about it...

 

am I going to tell my ex to stop calling me? I don't know...I am playing it by ear...its nice to hear his voice...but I want to move on...

 

Once I start my new job tomorrow, I guess I will have enough to stress over and I won't think about him as much...lol

 

ZM

[LiquidCherry]

When my boyfriend was breaking up with me he told me that he still wanted to hang out with me, that my friendship meant the world to him. I told him that I couldn't be his friend and that I wasn't going to torture myself by being so. I never told him that I wasn't going to contact him but I made it clear that I wasn't going to settle for less than what I wanted. I did tell him that maybe someday I could be his friend but I honestly didn't know as to that being possible or not. I think in some rare circumstances it may be the right thing to tell your ex that you need no contact but in most cases I think it is better to simply act.. Er, rather,not act I suppose.