I dunno what 2 do!

[confused_69]

im 15 years old and i like this guy that is 20 years old... we really like each other. i dont know if the age gap is to much. he knows im 15 but he still likes me. the only thing is that my dad doesnt like him because he is part black and he thinks he is too old! this really gets me upset because i have never felt this way to a guy before! what can i do????

[darkblue]

While I agree that the age gap may be a little extreme for your father to grasp, I do not acknowledge his prejudice of disapproval based on the fact this boy is 'part black'.

That, is narrowminded and racist.

 

What is your position with this boy just now?

Are you friends who would like to try for something more, or are you dating?

[sparkler624]

Five years really isn't that big of an age gap, but it becomes stickier when you are still in high school and has been out of it for a few years. Chances are he is more experienced then you at this point and might try to push for other things such as sex. Right now your worlds might be too different, his is in the 'real' world and you are still at school. Your dad might not be so wrong with his stand on the whole thing, chances are he was in your shoes. He is only looking out for your best interests.

[RescueDiver]

At your age there are laws (at least in the U.S.) called statutory rape (having sex with anyone under the age of 18 ). This guy could get in serious trouble for becoming physical with you. I don't know how Canada's laws read, so keep that in mind. Also, understand that the transition from High School to college is a HUGE transition as is (in the U.S.) the transition from 20 to 21 (because once you hit 21 here you can go out to the bars and drink legally). I have seen virtually no relationships survive either one of those transitions.

 

Now, if I were a parent, I wouldn't be real happy about my underage son or daughter dating a 20 year old. Even though I was guilty of it when I was your age, sex is really bad news when you're young. The risks are simply too great for what you get out of it and this is what your father is undoubtedly trying to protect you from. The other thing I would be worrying about as a parent is you getting into alcohol because it'd be very easy for him to obtain it. The problem with that in this country is not that people under 21 should or shouldn't drink, the problem is that the vast majority of them can't be responsible about it. Yes I know it can be argued that a large number of adults can't either, but that's beside the point.

 

The age difference isn't that big of a deal. Actually, as you get older, age difference means less and less. Most of my girlfriends have been 4 to 10 years younger than me. I dated one girl for a couple of weeks that was 17 when I was 24. What's more important than age difference is where each of you are at in your lives. Two people who have a 10 year age difference that are out of college already established will have a much better chance at "making it" than a couple with a 2 year age difference where one is graduating from college and the other is still in the middle of college.

[darkblue]

RD, those the laws taking into account the age of sexual consent alter from state to state.

[BellaDonna]

While I agree that the age gap may be a little extreme for your father to grasp, I do not acknowledge his prejudice of disapproval based on the fact this boy is 'part black'.That, is narrowminded and racist.

 

I agree with darkblue.

 

Confused-69- given the already difficult situation you are in with your father and stepmother- I do not think you should add fuel to the fire and pursue this 20 year-old. If your dad is opposed to it- respect him ( I totally DISAGREE with his racist attitude- but I can see why he'd be worried about his age) If you date this man- you're going to give your stepmother (and father) AMMUNITION to start talking about you like she talks about your mother.

 

It's a bad idea on so many levels. It will only complicate things. It is likely illegal in your area too- which is a whole other issue.

 

You have to play politics here- and beat your stepmother at her own game. That means you have to be in good standing with your father. Dating an older man that he disapproves of, in my opinion, would be totally foolish and would just bring you a million miles away from your goals. Just play the game for now- be the "good" daughter in your father's eyes. Otherwise your stepmother wins instantly. Don't let her have anything on you. You're only 15- when you're an adult and no longer in this situation with your father and stepmother- you can date WHOEVER you want. But for your own good, please hold off on ruffeling their feathers until then.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a social life- but don't gamble with people that your father clearly disapproves of, or you're playing with fire- and will likely make a bad situation at home into and even worse situation.

 

 

BellaDonna

[rosstheboss]

when i was 20 i started going out with my current gf of 14 months when she was 15.

there are many things that get in the way and cause problems such as he'll go out to bars etc and you want be able to go. now he either goes and you feel bad or he doesnt and you feel bad because youre stopping him from doing something he likes. there are loads of these things.

also you must let him know what your feelings towards sex are i.e. you're going to wait till youre old enough, from the very beginning. if he's not happy then he's not worth it.

 

if you think you can put up with these things then go for it.

 

good luck

[pineapple_juice]

I would suggest that you wait 2 years before you date him. If you do, you will have more in common, and you will have had the chance to get to know him better. In the meantime, take time to get to know yourself. It's important to get to know yourself and what you want and need in a relationship before you start getting to know someone else.

[lovecrazy]

I would not let my 15 year old daughter date a 20 year old guy! Race has nothing to do with it! At least for me!

 

It is just a 15 year old is easly influenced, so yeah things can happen!

[caligurl]

hey. i am practically in the same situation only bigger. i am 15 and the guy i'm in love with is 22. i really don't care about the age difference. it's the love and true feelings that count. but i think your dad is just looking out for you. i never had a dad so be thankful you have one that cares about you.

[pineapple_juice]

That is good advice. Remember that when your parents restrict your behaviour, they are almost always acting because they love you. Remember that they really do care about you.

[limelilies]

I would not let my 15 year old daughter date a 20 year old guy! Race has nothing to do with it! At least for me!

 

It is just a 15 year old is easly influenced, so yeah things can happen!

 

Lol, I was 12 when i met ny b/f who was 22 and now it's been 4 years, but, I was always way mature for my age, I knew from right to wrong and when not to get influence. I was never pressure and would not have let it happen either. The only bad part I can say is my parents don't knwo this, if they did, they would get my b/f in jail.

[versat_il]

First of all, I would like to point out something link removed This is not for you confused_69, this is for all the other people that have posted here. (Kinsey anyone?)

Now, I’m not saying that what you are feeling is wrong, it’s absolutely normal and beautiful to have feelings for someone, but since you are here and communicating with us let’s really try to help and make a few things clear.

Dating this guy will turn your father against you because:

-He’s older and has another view upon life

-He’s generation didn’t experienced what you are feeling at this young age, only later

(And also consider the generation gap as an explanation for the color problem, I’m not encouraging it but neither blaming it since things have only changed for some of us)

Not dating him will make you feel badly inside.

So what’s left to do?

Start dating boys around your age, now I know they’re dumb, but nevertheless you can learn a few things while doing so. I’m almost sure you’re going to fall for some nice, smart kid around your age if you give it a chance.

Also you should keep in mind that him being older then you will hurt you eventually since at this age he’s having sexual need witch you couldn’t fulfill. Even if you could it will still leave you emotionally scared since boys will say a lot of things just to get in bed with you.

 

Enough lecturing and let me tell you I dated a 15yr old when I was 20 and ended up being called a pedophile. Eventually we broke up since she wanted to have sex and I didn’t wanted to get in jail. (Thanks go out to my parents for this). Things have come a long way since then and now we’re still friends and she called me up a couple of weeks ago. I learned she has a boyfriend around her age with whom she’s sexually involved right now…

She just called to say thanks and I didn’t really understand why until now.

___________________________________________________

She’s only 15! Are you helping or judging? Remember that age…

It was not so long ago for me.

[vandgsmom]

I was once where you are now, and one day you will be walking in my shoes.... I was a 16 year old in "love" with a 36 year old doctor friend once. I had feelings, I thought I loved him, and he thought he loved me. We both found out the hard way that we were chasing the feelings and not each other. I know I would have hated anyone who told me that what I was feeling wasn't real, and I am not going to say that, because it is real, to you.

 

What you feel is important, but is it more important than keeping the relationship with your family, because that it what you stand to destroy.

 

Ask yourself: Are you in love truly, or is it intoxicating because there are so many factors that your father hates that adds excitment and danger and drama?

 

I am not insulting or belittling your feelings, I totally know where you are. Just think long and hard about it. Your first clue should be that you were so in doubt that you came here for advice..... Listen to that little voice.....

 

Laura