what's the difference betw real love and infatuation?

[lgirl]

hi everyone, quick question for y'all: what's the difference between real love and infatuation? are there any tell-tale signs to watch for? how can you tell if it's real or not/if the person is just infatuated with you? how would you describe infatuation (are there stages)?

 

i ask this b/c the two 'states' seem very similar and it's been my experience that people who are infatuated often believe they're deeply in love with their partner and say lots of *sincere* things to support these claims - until suddenly one day out of the blue their feelings vanish.

 

why is this and how do you tell *he* is like that? i just want to avoid it ever happening to me again in the future!! also any tips on how to avoid men who just get infatuated and how to recognise them would be welcome!

 

i am just trying to understand it b/c i'm sure real love doesn't just evaporate overnight - or does it?

 

thanks.

[Beec]

I think it has a lot to do with how they see you. If they see you with all your flaws and still think they love you, then it is real. If they see you in some idealized vision of you, then it's not. If they think about how great you could be together, rather than how good it is, that seems like infatuation.

[lostwithlove]

I agree with Beec.

[lgirl]

thanks, Beec, but how do you know how a person sees you? i thought my ex loved me for who i was as a person. i thought we were equals. i never dreamed he might have been idealising me. that's what i mean: how can you tell when someone says they love you deeply, says they want to share their life with you and all the other things you imagine people say when they're in love, that it's actually a deep infatuation?

 

[side note: all my ex bfs have been deeply infatuated with me - i'm starting to see now - and then 18months down the line, it's all over without warning!! a man in love and a man who's in the grip of an infatuation seem to behave in the exact same ways as far as i can tell. can someone please tell me what the difference is?]

 

are there specific things they say or do that show it's just an infatuation?

 

i am VERY confused!

[RescueDiver]

In the beginning it's very difficult to tell infatuation from love (for both the person experiencing it as well as the person on the receiving end). I have told people before, that love isn't always the loudest "voice" in the back of your mind... but it's something that's always there. The loudest voice is often infatuation... but you're right, infatuation does go away after a while (especially if things get difficult).

I believe that all relationships start out as mostly infatuation with a little bit of love. Over time as the infatuation fades, love grows to fill the void... or, like what seems to have happened with you... they suddenly realize they're not "in love" with you and leave.

The people I've really connected with have usually been people I've enjoyed very long intimate conversations with before ever doing anything physical with them. That process, as opposed to some conversation, followed by lots of making out/sex/etc... seems to produce better results as far as people I actually fall in love with as opposed to people I become infatuated with. It's really hard to describe this because it's mostly based on feelings, intuition, and so forth... but I guess one of the ways I feel that I've been able to tell if I'm falling in love or if I'm just infatuated with someone is that love develops slower than infatuation. If I'm getting to know someone and I find myself immediately feeling strong feelings towards them, thinking I LOVE THIS PERSON! That's generally infatuation... it seems to come on fast and strong. On the other hand if it progresses slower, as I'm getting to know the person I find out things about them that make me have doubts and then get over those doubts... and gradually feel stronger and stronger for them... then I know I'm falling in love with them.

 

Now, as far as telling the difference between whether someone is in love with you, or if someone is infatuated with you... that's really hard, if not impossible. I know that when I have been infatuated with someone I have done a lot of the same stuff that I do when I'm in love with someone. However, it seems that with infatuation it burns a lot brighter, but burns out a lot faster. So, that may be the only way to tell... that and how the person responds to adversity in the relationship. If you screw up and they are able to forgive you and move on (and don't have a huge, "you've broken my trust, I don't know if I can ever trust you again" episode). I'm talking about relatively small slip-ups here... if you cheat on someone you can expect a reaction like that. On the other hand, if the road gets bumpy and all of the sudden they start having major doubts because the innocence of the relationship is gone... I think there's a good probability that it's just infatuation.

[Dating Coach]

You have to really know that person. There is no such thing as "Love at first sight". You can't look at someone and love who they are because you don't know them. You can look at someone and love they way they look and the way they carry themselves, but you don't love them as a person because you don't know them.

 

Now there have been times when a person looks at another person and loves what they look like and how they carry themselves, and then get into a relationship that grows into real love, but from the beginning they didn't love who that person was.

[lgirl]

RescueDiver, think you're right:

 

it seems that with infatuation it burns a lot brighter, but burns out a lot faster. So, that may be the only way to tell...

 

am beginning to see that that's maybe the ONLY way to tell the difference seeing as the two states seem so similar. it's just a shame there aren't more obvious signs/clues b/c everyone puts their best foot forward at the start of a r/shp, then there's the "honeymoon phase", so it can be MONTHS before you might be able to "tell" if yr partner is sincere not just infatuated, by which point you have already invested time and energy that you can't get back. that is in effect wasted. and then if they turn around and treat you badly at the end, you've been hurt for nothing, ya know? are you supposed to not believe yr partner's sentiments and declarations of love until after a certain timeframe? how can you believe anyone's intentions given it takes time to find out if they're sincere? and how do you remain objective enough about them when your own emotions are being affected? guess i feel it would just be good to be able to cut through all the 'layers' and be able to tell early on enough to avoid getting involved with someone who's only infatuated with you, be able to protect yourself from it etc.

 

what seems to have happened with you... they suddenly realize they're not "in love" with you and leave

okay, so now i want to ask what's the difference betw being 'in love' and being infatuated? how does that work? how do you realise you're infatuated and not in love when the two are so hard to tell apart and why is that enough to make the person leave, given the strength of their feelings and how they say they feel about you?

[RescueDiver]

okay, so now i want to ask what's the difference betw being 'in love' and being infatuated? how does that work? how do you realise you're infatuated and not in love when the two are so hard to tell apart and why is that enough to make the person leave, given the strength of their feelings and how they say they feel about you?

 

Let's see... well when I was first getting into girls I couldn't tell the difference. The first date or two it is pretty much still impossible for me to tell. However, I'm much more in tune with my feelings now after 16+ years of dating mistakes. Generally if I feel that I am connecting with someone more on an intellectual level (and emotional) as opposed to mainly physical, that's a good sign. I think most of the time infatuations are the result of more physical attraction than anything or attraction primarily due to a single aspect of someone. I.e. they're good looking, or they're successfull, or they're funny, etc... as opposed to being attracted to that person as a whole.

 

One thing I seemed to find when I was infatuated with someone is that I had to be around them ALL THE TIME. Whereas if I was in love (or falling in love) most of the time when we were apart I was okay because I knew I'd be seeing them again. Don't get me wrong, I would miss them and want to be with them, but it wouldn't be as obsessive.

 

The reason they leave, is as I said before... infatuation burns out, evaporates, whatever. Forgive the analogy, but it's like a kid with a new toy... they play with it to death but eventually get bored with it and move on to a different one. Where love comes in is after that infatuation goes away, if you are in love you have connected on very deep level and that of course can get hard to explain because then it becomes one of those things that it's hard to describe, but you know it when you feel it. By paying close attention to how you are feeling in the early stages of a relationship and seeing how they turn out (i.e. if the feelings go away or not) you should be able to get a feel for the difference and be able to tell earlier if you are infatuated with someone, or falling in love. Unfortunately there's still no good way to determine it with other people.

 

Some people, like me, are hopeless romantics. So when I realize I'm falling in love with someone I completely give into that and put all that energy into displaying my love, devotion, romantic gestures, poetry, etc... you name it. Basically all the things you women seem to wish your men would do for you. The problem is that people like me tend to fall hard and fast for people once we feel that connection. Some women love it, others feel smothered by it. But that's something you have to watch for too because a romantic could look like somone who is just infatuated because they may come on very strong and romantic.

[gersanos]

This thread sounds like my life.

 

I'm a really good looking guy. I am not trying to brag about it. I am calling it like it is.

 

I go out to the bars or whatever and I always meet girls, girls always ask if I have a girlfriend, ask me to dance, flirt with me, etc. For crying out loud, I go to a new physician couple weeks ago and she complements how I am such a good looking guy, what do I do for work, how old am I, etc.

 

Sounds great huh? Well, it's a double-edged sword. Yes, I have a very easy time meeting girls. They find me attractive, overall I am a good guy, I can talk up a storm with a girl, etc. I graduated college with honors, I have a great job, I own my own condo in a major US city downtown, and I am enrolling in graduate school part-time at night. So I guess I am pretty successful for being under 25, and on paper or face value I am "perfect" as so many women have called me. Well, she instantly thinks we have this unbelievable connection.

 

I always try to go slow with girls. The last girl I dated I waited almost 3 months before I had sex with her. She was hounding me to sleep with her.

 

I got to know her, and by 3 months I felt comfortable having sex with her. At this point I had made the connection with her, and believed to be in love with her.

 

After that, we were inseperable, but that lasted 2 months at most. At the end of those 2 months she was "bored" with me, even though she never said that to me. But basically that's what happened. And I was devastated for quite some time afterwards. In fact, I came onto here seeking help. And yet, I would go out to bars or clubs to just get out after we broke up, and attractive girls would ask me to dance with them, but I was a mope. They'd say how cute I was, etc., and after I resisted quite a bit, they gave up. My mind and heart was still with the girl that got bored with me.

 

That is infatuation.

 

I meet attractive looking girls a lot of the time. Yet, I have only had sex with 2 girls my whole life. Most girls I meet think that I have been with 20+ girls. Then they get shocked when I told them I havn't. They get shocked that I talk about God, philosophy, and other things which doesn't involve money, or what translates to some as "success."

 

My problem is this. I have not had a real girlfriend since high school. 2 girls have broken up with me, and both are girls I waited for, I took things slow with, and who I had fallen in love with. After they receive plenty of attention and sex from me, they feel the need to go elsewhere, because, it's not love, it's infatuation. Yet, for me, it was love...

 

But, I guess in terms of "the game" I am an ultimate challenge for them. I don't call off the bat, I don't hang out with them a lot, I don't get too physical off the the bat, etc. Even to get pass making out I wait longer than 2 months. Then I feel like I really like her, I get to know her pretty well, I get some strong feelings for her, I feel like this can really go somewhere, and we take it to the next level, etc. Perhaps they feel as they have won. They "cracked" me, had sex with me, and then they move on to greener pastures.

 

Sorry, but my post only explains scenarios. I don't know when a girl will truly just love me for me. I have a couple of girls I'm friends with who probably do love me (things have been mentioned by them to me before), but, I just see them as great friends, and I don;t have romantic interest in them.

 

Maybe being under 25 is too young for most girls I meet. Maybe I pick the wrong girls to date. I have no clue. But, super strong feelings off the bat doesn't equate to love as was mentioned. The passion is fiery and intense, but as strongly as it burns, it extinguishes just as quickly.

[lgirl]

RescueDiver, thanks for sharing that. i think the key is the obsession factor - my ex was seriously, seriously, seriously obsessed with me (by his own admission). i am not so concerned about "getting a feel" for whether i'm infatuated or not b/c i've never been in love or infatuated with a person… i'm trying to avoid men who get infatuated with me! ](*,)

 

Unfortunately there's still no good way to determine it with other people.

 

gahhh! that's the ONE piece of info i need. i don't want to waste my time on a guy(s) who's just infatuated - surely it's a waste of time? all that for nothing? especially when the infatuation can last 1yr+. what are you supposed to do in the meantime? not believe them when they say they love you until you've passed the 12-month mark? take it all with a HUGE pinch of salt? what kind of way to live is that?

 

my ex seriously traumatised me at the end, all b/c i fell off (got knocked off?) the pedestal he'd put me on - after 18 months together - his *infatuation* ran out of steam. i just want to protect myself against that ever happening to me again. the whole experience has just confirmed to me that it's not worth trusting someone like that; it's not worth getting involved in a r/shp b/c it could all end up being a waste of time. but where does that leave me? (SIGH)

 

So when I realize I'm falling in love with someone I completely give into that and put all that energy into displaying my love, devotion, romantic gestures, poetry, etc... you name it.

 

okay, well my ex did all that and more. now i'm REALLY confused!!! (oh PS don't stop being a romantic. the world needs more guys like you)

[lgirl]

Gersanos, it's very helpful to hear a guy being on the *receiving end* of the infatuation and read your perspective (the scenarios you've experienced). i think it's helped me understand the whole infatuation thing a LITTLE bit better. though i still don't get why if they think you're so great (not just you, i mean why these people think their partners are so great), but yet it fizzles out to NOTHING. i don't get it. if they think you're everything they want in a person, how come they throw it away? is it b/c they're just shallow, superficial people? or is it their own lack of confidence - they don't really believe it will last b/c it's too good to be true? if i met a guy i thought was great etc i'd want the r/shp to progress, keep that person in my life…

 

I don't know when a girl will truly just love me for me.

that's how i feel about men. either they feel i'm out of their league so they don't even try or they can't believe their luck when they get with me (is what i've been told so often - tragically, that's not how i see myself; i always approach my r/shps from a position of equality - mistakenly it would seem.) either way, it never works out.

 

But, super strong feelings off the bat doesn't equate to love as was mentioned. The passion is fiery and intense, but as strongly as it burns, it extinguishes just as quickly.

 

very well put!!! beginning to think that is the ONLY clue to whether it's infatuation as several people have posted the same thing…

 

Maybe being under 25 is too young for most girls I meet.

 

that probably has much more to do with it than you realise. stick to your guns Gersanos. don't go changing, okay?

[RescueDiver]

Well if Gersanos is too young, then I must be too old because when I go out to clubs and stuff and hit it off with women things usually go great until they find out I'm 31. Then they lose interest. Most of them figure I'm about 25 (apparently I look young for my age). Basically from a "catch" standpoint I'm right up there with Gersanos . Unfortunately I'm not enough of a looker to benefit from having women come up to me, so I have to do the legwork. That and I can't dance to save my life. So I've never had the problem of women developing crushes on me (apart from my older female students back when I was a swimming instructor in college).

[lgirl]

hahaha, RescueDiver - you're obviously going to the wrong clubs!! there are LOTS of women out there who would be very happy with a 31-yr-old guy (great age!!), so don't get disheartened, okay? though i must say if you can't dance, you should do yourself a favour and stay off the dancefloor!! (joke!)

 

I've never had the problem of women developing crushes on me (apart from my older female students back when I was a swimming instructor in college)

 

so you HAVE had women get crushes on you! haha. anyway, you don't want to have women getting crushes on you - that's just asking for trouble!