Advice on coming out

[martin]

Hello,

 

My name is martin, i have just turned 19.

 

I told my mum i was gay when i was 17 (18th April 2004) I will never forget that day, was the hardest thing i have ever done. I have a part time job as a sales assistant but am training to be a assiatant manager however...

 

When i told my mum i was gay, I told her first, as i am closer to my mum than my dad. When i told her she was shocked and told me that i had to tell my dad.

 

When i told him what i told my mum, they asked me questions like have i ever had a relationship with another male etc. At the time i hadn't but i was attracted to lads no doubt about it. My mum and dad said it was a phase that many young lads go though. But i knew it wasn't and even though i told them that, they decide that it was and i would grow out of it.

 

Ever since that day my mum and dad have never said nothing to me about it. Its well over a 1year and a 1/2 and still nothing said. They are hoping i grow out of it. Since then i have met lads etc but in sercret, I am starting to find it hard to keep a sercet now.

 

I don't know if i should talk to my parents again about it or not. Im i rubbing it in there faces. They talk about girlfriends and ask if i like .... etc but i always say no, is that a way of them asking me about my sexuality.

 

Another problem is my best friend shes female and shes always round at my house, Many of times my mum and dad and even brothers have asked if i go out with her. I just say we are friends. By the way i have 2 brothers on 21 and the other 15. The 15 year old knows i am gay and hasn't got a problem with it, but my parents don't know he knows.

 

As far as my parents know only one person knows and thats a mate from my school years. However all work know and are very supportive and have helped me a lot when im feeling down.

 

However im not sure what to do now as i want them to be able to acpet it so i can have a boy friend and basically live my life without everything been in the dark.

 

Has anyone got any ideas on what i can do.

 

Thank you

 

Martin

[AnotherThing]

Hey Martin. Good for you being so brave at 17! Anyway I think they know, maybe theyre in denial? If I were you I'd bring it up next time they ask you about girls,or if you fancy your friend, better to clear it up.

[martin]

But my fear is that they will still think its a phase and tell me that i will grow out of it. I can easliy ignore that statement from them but deep down it will be playing my mind that my parents don't like my life style and i feel that the feel a shamed to have a gay son, and thats the main reason why they are not saying anything.

 

I know there is no way to make them accpet that im gay but i really don't want to be worried of upsetting them if they found out i had a boyfriend and i have told most of my work mates (All female), and even worse if they find out i have told my brother and not let them know.

[Tigris]

The next time they mention if you like this girl or that girl tell them the truth. I'm sure they know you are but it's their way of asking you for confirmation of the facts.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Kimmikazi]

I can only imagine how something like this might be, because I can't say I've ever been put in your position. You're parents seem to be understanding, because of how they reacted the first time. Although they didn't let it sink in, doesn't mean they didn't "accept" it. They surely didn't reject what you we're saying in a negative way towards you. It's hard for parents I think because of the hopes of you having a -family- one day.... A traditional family that is. I think you should somehow sit them both down and explain to them that what you had told them a year and a half ago, still holds the same in your mind and heart. I wouldn't advise that you go back into it all over again and hint that they weren't listening, but rather just tell them you still feel that way. They'll know what you're talking about...no matter how much it seems like they have "forgotten" out of denial. I have a feeling everything will go over smooth...and for a little support, you have your brother, since he already knows! So that's a plus!

 

Good luck hun!

[Prufrock06]

Martin,

 

That's great that you were able to be open and honest about yourself with your parents at such a young age! It seems like there are two parts to coming out: the first is getting the guts to actually form the words and push them out of your mouth, and the second is waiting to see how others are going to react. With my parents, I'm in the second stage as well. My mother doesn't like hearing or making any references to my sexuality and my father (a journalist) seems more concerned with my opinions on gay current events than how I'm doing personally as a young gay male.

 

My advice to you would be, however difficult it might seem, to try and figure a time when you can sit with your parents and unearth this issue after being buried in more than a year of silence. Though they have not said anything to you, I feel like you've given your parents plenty of time to digest the issue and at the very least you deserve to know how they feel about your sexuality and to make them aware that it's not just a phase but an important part of who you are. It seems like you've got a good enough support system that you won't have to feel so disheartened if your parents keep up their wall of silence. I suggest working on some strategies with them, maybe, about what to say and how to approach the issue (ie. make sure you're in a relatively neutral, private environment, etc.) with your parents. But I definitely think you should discuss the issue with them soon, if only for your own personal piece of mind and to hopefully avoid any future awkward scenarios (easier said than done, I know, but it's not something that needs to be tackled overnight).

 

Hope everything works out for you!

[FoxLocke]

Hi Martin,

 

first of all I would like to commend you on coming out to your parents! That is a huge step, and you are further along in the process than I am that's for sure!

I'm still very ambivalent about telling anyone, right now, because I do come from a christian background...

 

However, I think your parents are still in denial about your sexuality, obviously. At the time they told you they just didn't want to hear it.

My advice would be to--the next time they bring up the girlfriend issue--address it. Don't let them change the subject just get them to hear you. You are not going to change, and it isn't just a phase...

 

Hope that helps!