Had an affair, now I'm pregnant

[madworld84]

I slept with him (the other man) three times in a four day span, then felt so sick and horrible, I called it off, didn't tell my husband, and instead tried to work on the things that had led me to have an affair in the first place. My husband has a video game addiction that takes up 10 hours a day as soon as he gets home from work. He never wanted to talk about it, and got angry when I tried to talk to him about it, then I threatened to leave him and he said I never would so I had this affair behind his back out of spite, and it wasn't even pleasurable or fun, I felt sick.

Fast forward two and a half months: I found out I was pregnant about three weeks ago, and this is after years of being told I could never conceive due to fibroids and endometriosis and the failure of an ovary. I'm in my late twenties.

I excitedly told my husband then it hit me... there's a chance it's the other man's. Of course I can't know til I deliver...

I told the other man, who had been a lover many years ago and always a good friend. He offered to marry me if it was his and take care of me and the child, provided I tell my husband after if it was the other man's and my husband divorced me. And if it was my husband's, then hooray. The other man also said I didn't have to marry him or live with him, but that I should tell my husband anyway for health reasons for the child and to spare him in the future (say if the child looks nothing like him). If it was my husbands I could happily forget the affair and go on with life. The other man has left it open to me, which I appreciate. He could have just told me to screw myself and if my husband found out and dumped me in the future I'd be all alone.

I screwed up. I know i did. I cry every day. This pregnancy I thought would never happened is happening, and all I do is cry, for my child, for my husband, for me. For the first time in my life, I'm contemplating suicide. I'm thinking of having an abortion and telling everyone I miscarried. After finding out I was pregnant, my husband did a 360 and has changed for the better, and couldn't be more excited about the pregnancy. I calculated the ovulation, and it's 50-50 who's it could be. My best girl friend is the only one who knows and she's adamant about my hapiness and the child's no matter who the father is. She knows I've been wanting a child for some time. I never thought I would be this SAD. I dream of burning in hell and my child hating me for hiding the identity of her/his father. I could NOT tell my husband when I find out, but every day would be a day lived in FEAR of him finding out and my dream world of that perfect family, him, me, and "our" child, would come crashing down. I need advice so badly, but I'm so afraid to speak to anyone for fear of my husband finding out. I mean, I seriously could be over reacting, cause it could very well be my husbands and everything would be fine. Because I never planned on telling my husband about the affair, because he really thinks/thought everything in our marriage was/is peachy. And I'd like to think it is, too, if he's changing his ways so dramatically upon hearing of my pregnancy. Flame on, please, I know I deserve a lot of flames.... what I did was unforgiveavle, regardless of my husband's behavior. Thing is, this baby deserves a happy life, regardless of what I want, right? I screwed up, so my hapiness is now second to what this child needs in a home setting, right? And I really shouldn't be in a tizzy til I have a DNA test, right? Or should I just go ahead and kill myself and save myself and my future child from any humiliation... the hormones are making my very depressed, but I also think it's the situation at hand, cause normally I would never think like this. Let me know what you think.

[DN]

You should not kill yourself and your child. But you should tell your husband - not to do so so would be a second betrayal - not only of your husband but of your child.

 

This is very difficult for you, but you should not allow a lie to make matters worse. A man has a right to know if the child he is raising is his and a child has a right to know his or her father. And to allow your husband to think the child might be his only to find out when it is born, or later, that it is not would be wrong.

 

Remember - this is not just about you but it is also about your child and his or her real father.

[Bethany]

I agree with DN. Confess. The man deserves to know and so does the child.

I, personally would rather live alone with someone else's child because I stupidly made a mistake and lost the man I loved but told the truth and have peace of mind that I did the right thing, than live the rest of my life living a HUGE black lie hanging over the two you love more than anyone else in the whole world, and looking at them with nothing but the feeling of guilt for the rest of my life. Tell him.

[jaiva]

I agree with the others. You owe it to your husband to tell him that you cheated on him. Yes, it will hurt him but he should know. A relationship with secrets can't succeed because the person with the secrets will be paranoid about their significant other finding out the secret and the relationship will be run into the ground. Don't abort the child. You're pregnant for a reason, especially since you were told you couldn't have children and now SURPRISE! That means that this child has a purpose in life.

Hope I've helped.

Jaiva

[Hope75]

It's pretty obvious that you can't live with yourself having this guilt, I don't see how you expect to pretend to have a happy marriage with this guilt. I agree with the others that the first step is to tell your husband the truth. That gives him the chance to decide if he wants to forgive your infidelity and try to work on the marriage, or not.

 

I think you know that his video game addication is not an excuse for cheating, your marriage is and was in trouble and if you are going to work it out you need to start being honest with one another and address the problems that led to this, including the fact that you are feeling ignored.

 

This child is something you have waited a long time for. I don't think you seriously want to end your life or this pregnancy, do you?

 

You do need to start being honest with yourself and your husband if you marriage has a chance of surviving.

[mrskier]

Hmmm, this sounds like it is wearing on you pretty hard, and understandably. This seems like a good forum, with good hearted folks, but I would look into some more difinitive help. Do you have health insurance? I assume you do if you are pregnant. I would start at your family physician and ask for referrals. Maybe a Marriage and family therapist? Maybe some individual therapy? I don't know, but I do know that seeking formal help can be very difficult and stigmatizing. However, the work professionals can be amazing and I think it's worth checking out. Just my $.02.

 

Hang in there. Don't make any impulisive decisions.

[Wagga]

Hi...

 

Well I can understand the guilt you are feeling. First of all don't kill yourself. It is never the solution no matter how bad your problems are. Remember you are carrying a life in you. Regarding abortion, I would once again not support it in my opinion but the decision is upto you. I think you should start by telling your husband the truth. It will give you peace of mind no matter how he will react. If he stays and wants to work on the marriage..great! If not consider your options. Are you willing to be a single mother? Do you really want to get married to the other man(since he has already told you he will marry you if the baby is his)? Learn from your mistakes. Take time to heal. Don't rush into anything. Sit in a quiet place, step out of the daily cycle of life and think what you want. Be strong. Always have confidence in yourself even though all odds are stacked against you. All the best.

 

Wagga

[theantibarbie23]

My friend was actually in this exact situation, only she was lonely because her husband spent a lot of time traveling. I know you're in a scary situation but try and realize that your husband deserves to know you cheated, child or no child. Healthy families can not be built on harmful secrets.

[TiredMan]

I'm sorry but you don't have an affair no matter what. Saying "instead tried to work on the things that had led me to have an affair in the first place: is an excuse. If it's bad, you work on it or leave. You don't just have an affair and use that as an excuse. At least you do acknowledge that, in the end.

 

And no you should not kill yourself and the baby. You said the baby deserves a happy life. Would doing that make that happen? Basically, you are gonna have to tell your husband and whatever he decides is what will happen,

[miracle29]

Mad world, i'm so sorry that this happened to you. Its so easy for outsiders to point fingers at you and tell you how horrible you are for making this mistake, but I refuse to do this to you knowing the stresses you are already under. I feel so sorry for you and I'm so sorry that you are in this predicament. Its so sad that your husband wasnt there for you and even when you tried to talk things through with him, he brushed you off with this cocky little "yeah right you'll never leave" attitude. I'm sure that left you with enough doubts and sadness and then here comes a man who shows you interest and you sadly fell for this and now you are in a very bad predicament. Cheating is wrong, but in your case what you described sounds like you are not the only one to blame for having been vulnerable to another mans woo's. I do wish that you would have had better judgment and would have just left your husband or something but sometimes its not that easy is it?

 

Now with that being said, DON'T Kill the baby.....that is wrong, and if you think you feel bad now, have an abortion and you may never be able to get over this. Atleast if you have the baby and your husband leaves you and you end up with the other man, maybe it was meant to be that way. And then you have a beautiful baby to show for it. One that you even said you never knew you could conceive.

Who knows maybe this husband of yours had issues in the reproductive area and it turns out you were FERTILE and this other man did what he couldnt.

Keep the baby, come clean NOW with your husband. The longer you wait the more of a whole you will be in, but whatever you do..please thank God for the blessing of another life. And if it turns out that this baby is the others mans....maybe this all happened for a reason.

 

I will pray for you and I wish you all the success in the world. Something tells me once you clear the air with your husband, any pep he needed in his step will either come or you will know now for sure if maybe he wanted out a long time ago. Again I keep saying this, but sometimes things like this happen for a reason. It may hurt you but it will eventually all turn out for the best.

[Neglected, Verbally Emot]

It is more than him deserving to know the childs genetics. You both deserve truth in the relationship. If you don't tell him, regardless of fatherhood, the lie of ommission will fester in your soul and kill your marriage. Start off with praise for his changes and tell him he needs to know about the affair so that you're actions did not waste say, 15 years of his life living a lie you created without giving him the choice of staying or leaving. We all have the right to have all information in front of us and then to decide our path.

[yeawutever]

Ok, at least you did say what u did is wrong and no excuse. You should have left ur husband b/c he had that "I don't care attitude", how mean, but oh well, u didn't. Now ur pregnant, so all I can say is u need to tell him, which it's gonna be hard. Cuz Imagine if it's the other man's child, u don't tell him and that child years later finds out, then wut would that child think??? So yea, confess, he either works it out and stays with you or not.

[TiredMan]

I have to note Miracle's response. You are making excuses for her. There is NO excuse for cheating. I don't care what he does or doesn't do, you leave before doing that. Saying someone drove you to be vulnerable to another man's woos is just an excuse. No way around that. If there are major problems, you either try and work it out or you leave. Cheating is the lowest thing a person can do.

[RayKay]

Oh my madworld, this is a very big predicament you are in!

 

I think you do need to come clean, because there is a child involved, and that child deserves to know their father, and their health history. Chances are good it may be your lover's, apparently the chances of conceiving can be higher from an affair then with own partner for some reason, and actually something like 10% of children are fathered by people other then their mother's husband/partner. It's not uncommon, but it certainly is not right either, as you already know. There is no excuse for cheating, problems in marriage or not, but what is done is done, and you now have to work with the realities.

 

I know your husband will be devastated, but he does have the right to have all the facts, otherwise I think you already know, you will continue feeling lost and confused, and stuck in these lies. Maybe he will leave, but maybe not. Maybe he will accept this child either way, and you will be surprised by him.

 

I don't think he thought everything was peachy, you yourself said you had told him you were going to leave, and that you had problems with his contribution/attitude towards the relationship. And just because you are pregnant and these issues are "sleeping" right now, they are still there. I advise you get into counselling ASAP with your husband, and work on your marriage, if he is willing to do so after finding out this information.

 

Do NOT harm yourself, or this child. I think you already know you want this baby, and that is not the answer. If worse comes to worse and you have to do it alone, with the fathers help but not living with you, you CAN do it, I promise, but I am hoping the best for you, your child, and your marriage.

[Vanilla]

first of all- be greatful you are having a child!

 

My sister had 3 differen doctors tell her she'd never have kids. When she was 21 she was pregnant- a miracle form God. Although she was young and not married, without finishing college- while most women would freak out she was so proud and thankful. Now she is finishing her degree, all alone with a beautiful and healthy 7 yt old daughter.

 

Does your husband deserve to k now? Yes. You would want to know if he'd done it. But this is not all your fault- you were neglected over video Games.

 

Sometimes my boyfriend spends 5-7 hours straight on his video games. Today I was locked out of the house in the rain because hisphone was in another room and he was too consumed in his game. He didnt hear the phone ringing to open the door (we have one key at the moment). I felt so angry, so resentful...

 

is it an excuse for cheating? definitely NOT. Like the above poster said- there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. So probably not thebest way to deal with your feelings of neglect, but none of us are perfect. thereforeee you owe it to him, to yourself and to your baby.

 

Come clean.

 

GOOD LUCK!! we're here...