The dreaded "FRIENDZONE!"

[Dating Coach]

I just wanted to post a few stories that I have been reading lately that are exactly what PocoDiable, FATKID, myself, etc have been saying for a long time on here. I think it might be a lot easier to see our points when you see the situations play out exactly how we explain it would. There are many other posters on here who say the exact same things as us, so if I left out your name, I am sorry!!!!

 

This is where taking the "friend route" with a girl you like usually leads, I'd say about 95 out of 100 times, if not more:

 

 

 

 

 

Another one:

 

 

 

yet another one:

 

 

 

 

 

DED hasn't asked yet, but we'll see how that one turns out. Hopefully he gets the girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are just a few I found in about 10 minutes of searching. Not all off these (almost every one) have already found out that they are stuck in the "FriendZone" and the girl is not interested. I think maybe one or two haven't got their answer yet because they haven't asked, but the situations are all eerily similar.

 

The point here is a lesson. There is something here that we can all use and learn from. What is similar between all of these stories-besides being rejected in the end? The similarities are founded in that they each tried to get close to these girls by being "friends" first. They never told the girl that they had romantic feelings for her when they started trying to get close to her. They kept their desires secret and instead became the best guy friend a girl could want. It's always nice to have someone around who cares for you and whom is willing to be a good friend, but the really issue is not that at all, the issue is that these guys were romantically interested in the girl, and they became close to her under the guise of friendship because of their crush.

 

There is another story I didn't quote, and that story is my own. My own stories in this situation are very similar to each of theirs. I know what I did in the past and I know why I did it. It is what helped me learn what I was doing wrong and why I did it. I think all of those guys, including myself, are genuine good people at heart, but we messed things up because of our inexperience and because of our fears. One of the things I learned-and have been trying to share on here-is that if you are interested in someone, a common pitfall would be to disguise your interest as being nothing but friends in an attempt to get comfortable and close to the object of our affection. This is one of the most common and biggest mistakes guys make in the dating world. Not only are you being misleading, but with this action you could be wasting months and even years (as in some of those examples) following around this crush like a lost puppy only to find out after all of that wasted time, that she was never interested. This is why it is important that you make your intentions open, honest, and clear. Our time is important too, and there is no excuse for us to be spending so much time hiding out true feelings simply because we are scared to make a move, or scared of rejection.

 

Too many guys won't make a move and instead brainstorm on it for months and years looking for signs or anything else before coming clean. You know what usually gets us guys to finally break the news to our crush? When we are hurt so badly by her continuing to see other guys. Don't you think we owe it to ourselves to avoid this situation at all costs? Not only do the results usually end up in "just friendville" but we also waste far too much of our lives chasing something that has been a dead end from the beginning. We could have had her answer very early, before we got this attached, before we wated years of our lives, and before we had to endure all of the pain watching our crush be with other people.

 

The point is, if you meet a girl you are interested in, either ask her out on a date or make it clear you are interested in her romantically within 3 weeks of meeting her. No more. This is your time too, and the alternative road to friendzone is far too risky and painful to take, not to mention you could have asked out 10-100 different women in the time it took you to ask out your new best friend.

 

Anways, I hope this helps guys who are like I was. I think sometimes when you see other stories that match you own, and see where it ended up, it might have more of an impact. Good luck guys. If you have questions I'd be happy to try to help if I can.

[Mr. Honeytoast]

I agree exactly. I have been there and done that before and trust me i wont go back there again. You just need to be upfront from the begenning. nicely wrote and thought out diggity.

[novaseeker]

It sounds like harsh advice, but it is mostly correct. I think there are a couple of things going on.

 

First, doing it the 'friends' route is really subterfuge when it comes down to it, if you have romantic feelings for the woman from the get-go. It's not nice to not be up front about that kind of thing, to act as if your only interest in her is a friendly one ... that's kind of deceitful and it's never a good idea.

 

Second, I think that women are more inclined to keep male friends, or consider men as just friends, than men are vis-a-vis women. I know that many men have women as friends ... but I think that many men befriend women mainly when they are attracted to them, and this ends up with things going kerplooey after a while because his attraction to her begins to dominate his feelings, whereas she never even had that thought in mind when they became friends. Ini other words, I think there is a larger group of women who are interested in having platonic friendships with men (with no subterfuge) than there is of men who are interested in having close, platonic relationships with women (with no subterfuge)... or another way of saying it is this: how many men out there are there, really, who can have a close, platonic relationship with a woman whom they find attractive without becoming attracted to her at some point?

[Jadtt]

I think the advice is great.

 

I would much rather have a guy that is attracted to me be upfront and honest with me first, as opposed to trying to find the way to my heart through friendship. Most likely, by the time he actually admits he has feelings for me, he will have already been put on my friendship list and I will be uncomfortable moving forward with a romantic relationship.

 

I think the safest bet is to express your interest and attraction, start a dating relationship and develop a friendship within dating....as opposed to just trying to win our hearts through merely friendship or just trying to have sex with some of us.

[Lion-Guy]

Great info DiggityDogg. Thank you.

 

I have started to become friends with this girl I am intersted in.

 

After reading your post I have decided to ask her out tonight, rather than doing just friends stuff.

 

I was going to call her and ask her if I can take her out to a nice dinner tonight. Is that clear enough or do you think I need to make it sound like something more? Any ideas? I don't want to come on too strong. Thanks.

[Jadtt]

Great info DiggityDogg. Thank you.

 

I have started to become friends with this girl I am intersted in.

 

After reading your post I have decided to ask her out tonight, rather than doing just friends stuff.

 

I was going to call her and ask her if I can take her out to a nice dinner tonight. Is that clear enough or do you think I need to make it sound like something more? Any ideas? I don't want to come on too strong. Thanks.

 

Female advice:

 

I think that's awesome and perfectly fine, it is not coming on too strong (at least I wouldn't think so). In my opinion, coming on too strong means calling me every day in the beginning, doting over me, talking about how attractive I am all the time, constantly telling me how perfect I am, telling me I am the woman you were always looking for and not allowing me to lead my own life....to me, these actions spell: coming on too strong, or trying to get me into bed.

 

A nice dinner is great, if you are actually considering it a date and not just "friends hanging out". If you want to be just friends, just tell her. If you want to date, then tell her that as well.

 

Good luck!

[Dating Coach]

Great info DiggityDogg. Thank you.

 

I have started to become friends with this girl I am intersted in.

 

After reading your post I have decided to ask her out tonight, rather than doing just friends stuff.

 

I was going to call her and ask her if I can take her out to a nice dinner tonight. Is that clear enough or do you think I need to make it sound like something more? Any ideas? I don't want to come on too strong. Thanks.

 

Before you do anything please read my Dating Guide. The link to it is posted at the bottom of my post, in my signiture.

 

As for what to do, I don't know much about your situation, but it's best to make it clear. If you have been hanging out with her for a month or more then I can assure you that her opinion of you is completely made up already. You've already been placed into a "datable" category or a "non-datable" category by her. You might as well ask her out as soon as possible so if you find out she is not interested you can move on now rather than later when it gets really hard.

 

When you ask her out, be clear that this isn't a "friend date" that you are asking, and make sure you ask her in person. Also, anything less than a "Yes, I'd love to" or a "I can't tonight but I am free on Thursday!" is a "Not interested". No matter how valid the excuse sounds, a girl who is interested will find time to go out with you. If she doesn't she's not interested.

[Lion-Guy]

Much appreciated DiggityDogg and Jadtt

 

I can't ask her in person, but I will call her this afternoon and make it clear that I want to take her on a dinner date. She doesn't really drink (which is fine with me) but it makes it hard sometimes because that is what most people do around here after going out on a date. They go to the bars for a drink to keep talking. Any other ideas?

[Lion-Guy]

Great tips on the "The dreaded "FRIENDZONE!""here. I decided to ask this girl out that I have been interested in. I was afraid we might be becoming just friends, so I made a point to ask if she would go on a "date" with me. She said yes and was excited to go. Everything went well.

 

Others: Don't be afraid to take chances. Ask her out on a real date.

 

Thank you for the good info everyone. Much appreciated.

[Dating Coach]

Great tips on the "The dreaded "FRIENDZONE!""here. I decided to ask this girl out that I have been interested in. I was afraid we might be becoming just friends, so I made a point to ask if she would go on a "date" with me. She said yes and was excited to go. Everything went well.

 

Others: Don't be afraid to take chances. Ask her out on a real date.

 

Thank you for the good info everyone. Much appreciated.

 

Congratulations! Good luck on your dates!!!

[Dating Coach]

Great post, Diggity. It has a lot of truth to it. I prefer to make friends with guys first because I like to get to know them before I date them and that is how my boyfriend and I started out; as friends. However, I think guys going from friends to boyfriends is still rare. I was just wondering; do you think the same advice applies to women, too? Should they just ask the guy out instead of being friends with him first, or do you think it is a bit different for women?

 

I think the same situation can lead to the same hurts for both men and women. The only thing different is that men do this so much more than women IMO.

 

If a woman want's to ask someone out, then why not?

[grymoire]

Excellent post Diggity! hats-off to you..

 

and its very interesting to see my post appearing as an example

 

needless to say i learnt a lot from this forum and also from my experience.. that said, i have two questions for you..

 

first, i completely understand that u shud ask out a woman that u r interested in within a short span of time. but i am wondering on what basis wud the woman agree to go out with u or date you when she hardly knows anything about you. i do understand that people know about each other via dating but even to go on a date there needs to be something for the woman to decide on right? unless and until i am extremely attactive physically why would a woman want to go out with me?

 

second, after u land in the friendzone what is the best thing for a guy to do? in my own case i walked away but she didn't leave me. she keeps chasing me and is finding ways to spend time with me. now i know for sure that she is not interested in me and will never be in the future too... so i agree to spend time with her ONLY when i don't have anything else to do. everytime she is the one that plans something and calls me while i take my own sweet time before i tell yes or no. i am not sure whether i am hurting her by behaving like this but i dunno what else to do. any suggestions?

[Dating Coach]

As crazy as this may sound to you, people go out on dates all of the time with someone they don't really know. It's not for everyone but seriously, I don't know a single person in my life that would refuse to date someone they just met. If they ever told someone who approached them that, then it was their excuse but the real reason was because they weren't interested period.

 

If you are trying to set up a date with someone you barely know, always choose a safe public place, like a Starbucks or something. If you are genuine, friendly, you smile a lot, and you have a girls interest, then she will meet with you. It's how people meet every single day.

 

As far as your former crush friend, if you still want to be friends then be friends. I just don't want you to get lost in hoping she likes you again, or trying to read signs where there aren't any. My suggestion would be that if you all are going to hang out, hang out with your other friends around as well.

 

Good luck!

[grymoire]

Thanks Diggity!

 

Yeah i am continuing with this woman as friends.. i cannot hang out with her and other friends because she makes sure that when we meet its only the two of us

 

but anyway.. i am not going to make the mistake of hoping that she will change her mind or look for signs.. in fact, even if she herself becomes interested in me i would have second thoughts. she has punched me in the stomach by telling that she only sees me as a friend and that's a blow that i will not forget for this lifetime! i don't want any more blows...

[wex]

blah blah blah blah

That was a lot of text for me to not read, but I trust that you made a good point. People around here seem to be excessively wordy, but that's fine, as long as they get the point that Friend -> Boyfriend never works.

 

For the people who claim to have made the transition: congratulations, but it won't last.

[Sheyda]

If a woman want's to ask someone out, then why not?

I never said there was anything wrong with that; in fact I think women should ask guys out more. I'm pretty shy and I have asked out guys before, so I don't see what the big deal is, really.

[Dating Coach]

as long as they get the point that Friend -> Boyfriend never works.

 

For the people who claim to have made the transition: congratulations, but it won't last.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say that, because there are unusual circumstances where it does work. My point is that even with those unusual circumstances, they still could have ended up with that person by avoiding taking the friendzone route. Even with success they made things more difficult then it could have been for them, plus they were taking a chance with a route that 95 times out of 100, will not work.

 

Oh, just wanted to add that when I talk about the FRIENDZONE stuff, I am primarily talking about guys who do this. When girls go this route, it does change things some. I still don't think it is a good idea for women either, but women will have more success with this route than men would.

[CarnelianButterfly]

My question is as a woman how do avoid making guys feel crappy because you've put them (or they've put themselves) in the friendzone? I hate telling male friends I'm not interested, I feel bad that I may hurt them.

 

Also, I've taken your advice and I personally feel better. I'm not waiting around for my 'just friends' guy, I'm going out with someone else.

[grymoire]

My question is as a woman how do avoid making guys feel crappy because you've put them (or they've put themselves) in the friendzone? I hate telling male friends I'm not interested, I feel bad that I may hurt them.

 

Also, I've taken your advice and I personally feel better. I'm not waiting around for my 'just friends' guy, I'm going out with someone else.

 

whichever way you put it rejection is definitely going to hurt. and its just not for men, its for women as well... i wud suggest u just tell the guy "i don't have romantic feelings for you" and stop there. if u say the typical "u r a nice guy but...." then he may think "if i am nice then why don't u like me"... just being straight-forward leads to much less ambiguity.

 

i have a question for you. what do u mean by "I'm not waiting around for my 'just friends' guy, I'm going out with someone else"? r u waiting for one of ur guy friends that is interested in you to open up and ask u out?

 

also on a general note i am just wondering about this friends cannot become boyfriends theory. i think its the question of whether the woman likes the guy or not. i mean if she likes the guy but he is hanging around as a friend does that make the woman to put him in the friendzone forever? and then reject him when he opens up? why wud u reject a guy u like just b'cos he didn't ask you out soon enough? i understand if the guy is way too shy or reluctant and won't spill the beans for a long time but if its only a short period of time what's the problem?

[CarnelianButterfly]

r u waiting for one of ur guy friends that is interested in you to open up and ask u out?

 

also on a general note i am just wondering about this friends cannot become boyfriends theory. i think its the question of whether the woman likes the guy or not. i mean if she likes the guy but he is hanging around as a friend does that make the woman to put him in the friendzone forever? and then reject him when he opens up? why wud u reject a guy u like just b'cos he didn't ask you out soon enough? i understand if the guy is way too shy or reluctant and won't spill the beans for a long time but if its only a short period of time what's the problem?

 

I'm not going to go into the details, but if you read my other posts you'll see why I'm moving on (a word of warning, I was very emotional when I wrote some of them). I didn't reject him, he rejected me. He has had relationship issues (so have I) and I'm not waiting for him to work them out, I've waited long enough working out my own problems. Even if he does still like me, he made his choice, I can't force him into a relationship, nor would I want to. If I wait for guys to ask me when they finally have the courage to its not fair to me. I don't want to sound harsh, but it's my life and I'm not going to let my happiness be determined by anothers fears or shyness.

[Dating Coach]

My question is as a woman how do avoid making guys feel crappy because you've put them (or they've put themselves) in the friendzone? I hate telling male friends I'm not interested, I feel bad that I may hurt them.

 

Also, I've taken your advice and I personally feel better. I'm not waiting around for my 'just friends' guy, I'm going out with someone else.

 

Honestly, the best thing to do is crush any hopes they may have in the nicest way possible. I don't even think a "I'm sorry but I am not interested in you romantically" is enough because guys usually still persist thinking that if they do something different, or act different, you will change your mind.

 

Rejection is going to hurt them, but look at it this way, the sooner and more clear you reject them the less it will hurt them. If they are crushing they eventually will ask you out when they can no longer hold it in.

If you suspect a guy friend likes you I would say and do all of the things that say you are just pals with them. I would say things like, "You're a good friend to me, just like a brother." Stuff like that periodically should tell them what you think of them before they ask you out.

 

If they do ask, it's best to end it right then and there. If you don't shatter their hopes they will only continue this scenario of crushing on you and it will hurt them worse over time. I would say something like, "John, I do appreciate the compliment, but I want to be clear with you. We are, have always been, and will always be just friends. I'm telling you this clearly because you are a good friend and I want you to be open to persue other people and not waste time on me." I'm sure it will be tough to say something like that, but it needs to be done. Usually guys who take this friend route to making a girl his girl are guys who are inexperienced with dating and relationships. They don't realize that a "no" or a blow off response is a "no not ever" and they keep trying. You must be firm and clear.

[Dating Coach]

also on a general note i am just wondering about this friends cannot become boyfriends theory. i think its the question of whether the woman likes the guy or not. i mean if she likes the guy but he is hanging around as a friend does that make the woman to put him in the friendzone forever? and then reject him when he opens up? why wud u reject a guy u like just b'cos he didn't ask you out soon enough? i understand if the guy is way too shy or reluctant and won't spill the beans for a long time but if its only a short period of time what's the problem?

 

Grymoire, it's not that they cannot. Anything is possible. It's just something that you rarely ever see work. Plus, many girls who became friends with a guy that they were interested in originally, lost interest because the guy never had the guts, the confidence, or the initiative to make a move. That lack of confidence is not attractive. A woman wants a man, not a boy. That's what children are for.

 

Not only does holding back your feelings and holding back from doing what you really want to do (go out with her) lack confidence and initiative, but it also costs these guys months and years of their time. This is months and years of possibly chasing someone who was never interested. Guys should respect themselves more than that, more than to sit there wondering if she likes him for that long. It's you life too and it's ticking by!

 

Even if a guy does eventually get a girl this way, he still could have had success much sooner and with less stress by persuing her from the start. Why put the risk of screwing everything up, why take the risk of wasting years of time, if you can get the same result or even a better result by being open, confident, and honest from the start?

[grymoire]

Totally agree Diggity!

 

I was only curious about the psychology behind this logic... i understand that confidence supercedes everything else!