2 years about to go down the drain

[supershane]

Hello,

Does anyone have any advice? Me and my best friend of 2 years just purchased a home together (mortgage deal) not the prettiest thing there was, but hey its a starter home. It all started when we met january of 04 she is a 26 yr old single mom of 5 kids whose father refuses to take part in any of their lives and refuses to pay child support. Well she was with a control freak of a guy, she moved out of there, and she stayed with friends it got to the point where she was living in a motel and her and i worked at a bar so she could make the rent there. Her kids look at me as a father figure of sort and her and I were (are?) very close. As time passed she was given a trailer from a relative which we spent a lot of time fixing up (this was after a house we were given burnt down), I went thru my first heartbreak with her, and all sorts of life experiences. There wasnt a thing we didnt tell each other, then we decided to get a house together there was a 5 bedroom house in a remote town not far from us for 59,900. We decided to jump on it since our mortgage would only be $445.00/mo for a 5 bedroom home that we own. We got our mortgage and we now live here. Since then, she entered into a lesbian relationship (I am gay myself) and since then she has been pushing me and her kids and everyone around her aside for this 1 person. Its to the point where if her gf isnt here they are on the phone all day. So she might as well be here. The house is always messy, she recently lost her job so im paying all the bills and its just gotten really bad. She never talks to me anymore or spends anytime with me. I told her of my concerns, she says things will change. But im not convinced, I am half tempted to move back to my parents home where I dont have to pay rent and it is always clean and not a 45 min drive from work! But I want the kids to have a stable home for once, I want her to feel secure (she has always been forced to live place to place due to different circumstances) But I just feel like things may not be able to be the same. Should I move and sell my house or should I give it time? I just dont want this to blow up in my face. I feel so upset and betrayed, but at the same time I want to give her the chance to do what she says she will cuz im not ready to throw away 2 years. Any thoughts, comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am very confused and very upset. And it really rocks my parents world cuz they just got used to me not being there (we have been here 2 months) and im back and forth as to whether or not I will be moving back with them. Its just very taxing on everyone's part. Im 19 and still will admit am having separation issues from my parents too, that hasnt played a part, but I wonder if it underlyingly is. Please help me sort this out, I feel so alone with my emotions Thank you so much.

[registered]

Hey supershane.

 

You have a lot on your plate for a 19 year old. You have taken on such big responsibility - a live-in partner, 5 kids and paying off a mortgage.

 

I get the feeling that you feel obligated to this woman and her family. You are intent on supporting them financially and making their lives happy at any expense to your own life.

 

I wonder where this feeling of obligation comes from though. Where?

Do you love her?

What made you decide to take all of this on?

What do you want from all of this?

 

I think these questions are just as important as all that you have written above.

Let's put you first for a moment, I want to know your position in all of this.

 

Really what you decide depends upon your answers to these questions I think and I think it will make it easier for other people to reply too.

 

And use paragraphs! Lol

[darkblue]

And use paragraphs! Lol

Ugh - Agreed!

 

I wonder where this feeling of obligation comes from though. Where?

Do you love her?

I also wondered this, but he does say he is gay, and she is lesbian...

 

I would just like to know, what the hell you were thinking when you decided to take this on.

That five children wouldn't run riot?

 

Why is she not working?

Why doesn't she clean up after herself and her children?

Have you spoke to her about this?

Do you think she is using you?

 

You are paying all the bills, and she is sitting on a phone to her lesbian lover? - Wake up and smell the coffee.

[shes2smart]

Well...there's a reason some financial folks advise against buying real estate with someone who is not related to you by blood or marriage or who you have a business relationship with...your situation is a great exampe why.

 

You are probably a very kind-hearted person to take on a lot of things that aren't your responsibility. Unfortunately, you are now learning that there are people who will take advantage of kind-hearted, generous folks such as yourself just because they can. Your friend may not have originally intended to do that, but that's how it's gone.

 

Are you both on the title & loan for the house? If I was in your situation, I'd want to get the financial part of things squared away first. If you are both on the loan and/or title, I'd check into what steps you need to take to get one or the other of you off those documents. Who stays on them will depend on if you want the house. Since you stated a couple of things that make me think you're not ready to own this house (you're tempted to move back to your parents, you're a long drive from work), you might want to see if you can get yourself out of it without messing up your credit too much.

 

At 19 you shouldn't be saddled with the responsibility of supporting someone who is just a friend (and not, say, a spouse or partner) PLUS children that are not yours. Isn't she going through the court system to make their father pay child support? If he is working, the court should be able to garnish his wages -- his employer will take the support right out of his paycheck before he even gets his hands on it. Now, if their father is not working or purposely working jobs where he gets cash under the table that's another story, but unless the laws are vastly different in Michigan (and I don't think they are) she should be able to get some assistance with that....and speaking of assistance, as a single parent with 5 children, she ought to be able to qualify for other forms of assistance too. So even if she's not employed, she could be contributing something here. She sounds very irresponsible.

 

From what you have posted you are being taken advantage of (rather badly at that), and you have every right to feel angry and betrayed. I assume you have spoken to her about these issues. If not, that's where to start. If you have and it just keeps getting worse, it's time to start getting yourself out of the situation.

 

I understand you are concerned about her and her children, but you need to look out for yourself, too. People will treat you as well or as badly as you let them, and you are letting her treat you like crap. Dunno about your definition of friendship, but I don't think a real friend would treat you like this.