Need opinions on Best friend. (long post)

[petalbud]

this is a carry on from this post

I really need some advice here. Kate n I are best friends. we've been arguing a lot lately. the last argument we had was because she went off with this new Guy from college that she likes,. and I made plans to be with someone else apart from her for Lunch.

 

Thing is our college has a weird policy that students only take subjects within one departement. But Kate and I take subjects from the Art and Design depeartment and the HUmanities,. so we've got a weird time table. Kate N i have 3 or 4 hour breaks sometimes while the others are in lessons, so we spend it together.

 

Well theres this new guy she likes and he likes her. We were on our way to lunch and he ran up to her n said that he wanted to go for a coffee with her. She said " oh me n my friend were going for a coffee too,. would be great if u can join us". SO all three of us went, and he ignored me,. ddint say HI even when i said hi to him. 10 mins later,. i heard him whisper to kate "oh i didnt expect ur friend here,. is she going to be on her own?" so I left them and told them that i had other stuff to do.

 

she came back 3 hours later,. apologising saying she wont let anyone get between us ever again and blah blah. I must admit I was hurt,. and she knew i didnt have anyone else to be with cause everyone else had lessons.

 

well its been that way for some time,. she ditches me n goes for lunch with him. SO ive started to make plans with my other friends who only have lunch the same times as I do on tuesdays and wednesdays,. all other days , i go to the library on my own.

 

so we had an argument in which she said that she feels Im ditching her and Im makingother plans and leaving her out. I said that she always goes to Lunch with this new guy anyway and sumtimes I dont know when she's going until last minute.

She got angry and said that I dont value the relationship, that I treat her BAd. I told her it was the other way round.

 

well one of my other friends asked me" doesnt it make u angry when KAte ditches you for him? I mean i dont see the reason why u cant go to lunch with them,. youre not gonna get in the way or anything"

ANd this new guy she's seeing has NEVER once said hello to me, and theyve been seeing each other for 1 month now. I feel like im constantly in her shadow and treats me like a safety net. When we're socialising with other ppl, Its usually about HER.

 

 

i just feel like im being treated bad,. but i also dont want to seem like im getting in the way of both of them being together.

she gets jelous when i make plans to be with other ppl,. but she can ditch me in a second to be with someone else and im not meant to be botherd about it.

 

if u read my last post she said she'd be so jelous and cry her eyes out if i get a boyfirend before her. and now she;s so desperate for a bf. However, it hurts cause she knows that i went through a raelly rough period of angrophibia and depression and im only just getting out of it,. and im only just starting to be able to socialise with people,. and she has to comepete with me for that!

 

i really dont know what to do, can u please give ur honest opinions. sorry bout the long post. thanks

[AnotherThing]

Giving a friend and a new flame space is all well and good but I'd say they both crossed the line into rudeness.She's got a huge double standard if she thinks she's treating you appropriately but wont accept the same treatment from you.

[supershane]

Hello,

I am a 19 yr old gay male, and I do feel your pain, I am experiencing almost the exact same things with my best friend except we bought a house together so things are a bit different. BUT, nonetheless, the situation is ultimately pretty much the same. I felt better by just confronting her about it. I just said I cant live like this I cant stand things being the way they are. I am giving it about a month to see what happens. As painful is it is to wait, you have to or you'll never know, you know what I mean? I feel replaced by her new girlfriend. She never wants to include me in anything and you feel like you are almost like a back up plan. I understand how painful it is. I feel it everytime I wake up. Like I said I would just be brutally honest and blunt about your feelings. If you cant be that way with your best friend, who can you be honest with? Just keep in the back of your mind as much as you may love her, there are times where you have to think about yourself. There is a time where you love someone, but you have to love them enough to realize that you cant associate with each other anymore to prevent anymore emotional (or in my case financial) damage. I hope this helps you, just know you truly are not alone, I understand you completely. I wish you the best of luck. No one deserves to go thru the pain of losing a best friend, I honestly hope you can work things out

[petalbud]

thanks for your replies guys. I would appreciate other people's opinions as well,. cause im confused as to whether I'm being too sensitive and clingy or she's the one at fault here.Even my other friend who noticed it asked me today if im gonna be "ditched" again.

 

She also doesnt seem to care that the guy she's been seeing for over a month has NEVER said a word to her Best friend. he knows me and recognises me cause me and her are always together. I dunno, i find it kinda rude. A "hello" and a smile wont hurt... or maybe I'm being over sensitive again?

 

I also find it rude when we're on the train and she has her music player on Loud, so i cant even talk to her. I might as well get the train on my own, Its a long 1.5hour journey,. thats why we get the train together. but theres no point when she has her music up loud. I dont want to tell her these things cause i'd feel like im being critical of her, and she definitely wont take it well. I just want to be sure that its not my oversensitivity clouding my perception. Any replies would be appreciated. and thanks Supershane and Anotherthing.

[petalbud]

please i need some replies to this, I'd like as many opinions as possible! thanks in advance

[Jinx]

These are my personal thoughts on the situation.

 

She first wants to have her cake and eat it too I suppose by the sounds of the situation.

 

This first item of business, concerning her inviting someone to coffee. That would no go over well personally with me, if I have a friend I'm going out to a cafe or coffeehouse with and its the plans for two not three, then the third person doesn't belong and thus a new set should be with them. Period. You two didn't discuss it or approve equally of it.

 

I know if I was going out with one of my good friends and I had a woman whom was interested me or I was interested in and invited that individual as well and didn't discuss before, I'd have one thoroughly disturbed friend. Its rude to say the least.

 

Next on the agenda, she is overreacting and is jealous she can't have her way. If you want to continue being her friend you two need a serious heart to heart. You're not competing with her, and if she continues acting immature and doing such things you will have no option but to let her be so that you can be at peace. If she can't deal, she is just hurting you. Obviously she has little regard for your feelings.

 

It seems to me she knows very well that she is bothering you and out of this jealousy and rush is doing it intentionally. If she were doing it innocently, she would not turn the blame when it is obviously ALL her own in this particular scenario.

 

1. She needs to get it straight in her head - If she makes plans with you, its exclusively you two. Not one, not three, not four, not five etc,... Unless she asks you beforehead.

2. You are not competing with her, if she insists; you're out. Period.

3. If she wants to be with this guy, fine by you but you're not going to be playing around "Maybe, maybe not" with plans.

4. If you want you could always make the comment that your concern is the fact of his rude behavior. Shy or not, he could attempt to be social and thus it would be better for you.

5. You're your own person, thus if she cancels plans with you to be with this guy, fine. She just better not expect you to stick around until she feels like she wants to spend time, and most definitely not whine about it. You're human. She should treat you that way.

 

Honestly, she doesn't seem like the best person. Her regard for you seems selective and almost seems like her "like" is driven by the sole fact of competition. When she knows she is wrong she tries making you feel bad knowing that you're in a vulnerable period. It'll end up hurting your self esteem and social skills in the end if you and her remain in this set up. I believe in the end, she either gets her act together and grows up -OR- you leave, even though its lonely, its better than having to deal with someone who doesn't care much at all.

[sunshine_girl]

oh poor petalbud!

i will write tonite when i get home and have more time to comment. but i so know how u feel. im a bit older, but have kept my high school friends, now i wish id left them there. heres some insight into it doesnt get much better

so what i am trying to say is that if you dont stand up for yourself now (but it seems that you are indeed, well done), then you will get treated the same way by her forever (see my thread if that didnt make sense)!