So close...and yet so far

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

OK...there's a girl who lives in my residence hall at university whom I've become very attracted to recently, and I think she may feel the same way. I've gotten close to kissing her (on the lips, that is), but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Here's what's been happening:

 

Over the past week or so, we've been steadily getting a lot closer, physically and emotionally. We've spent the past two evenings together snuggled on a couch/loveseat in our common room watching TV (she seems to like it, as she keeps coming back to sit next to me). Anyway, tonight we were snuggled up for a really long period of time (probably at least 90 minutes), and towards the end of the evening she started leaning her head on my shoulder. I started bringing my hand closer to her head, and eventually I was just stroking her hair and her face, and I even gave her a couple of kisses on her forehead and that area, but I couldn't figure out how best to kiss her on the lips. Then after this one show was finished, she told me she had to back to her room to study (don't worry, I take her at her word).

 

Socially, I think we both have some difficulties. She told me the other day that she's been very shy all her life, and until she got to know me she was feeling very lonely, like she had no real friends in residence. For me, well, my history with women is not very illustrious. I've kissed (read: made out with) other girls before, but not many, and it's been over two-and-a-half years since my last kiss (during a disastrous relationship that drove me to utter despair after it fell apart).

 

Any advice, encouragement, or whatever you might be able to offer would be great.

 

--Tense in Toronto

[justify_yourlove]

How long have you guys known/each other talked? The first kiss will happen at the right now. Honestly, I would suggest to try and take her out on a casual "date", like a coffee shop. This way, you could get to know each other even more outside just the residence. Since she's shy, you can't really tell whether she would accept the kiss or not. So, having a coffee is safe. In this type of scenario, you may need to take things slow for now even though you really like her. You probably want to give the friendship some time first before you make any sudden moves like kissing on the lips. If you feel like it may be the best time, you can always ask her, "May I kiss you?" but that would probably lead some awkwardness.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Emily,

 

Thank you for your response (but do not let this deter anyone else from responding as well--every little bit helps). This is the first time in a long while that I have seriously been considering a real relationship, and I really am afraid of losing my head over this. I've been at least acquainted with this girl for a few months now, but we hadn't really gotten to know each other until the last two weeks.

 

I agree that it's time to take things slower--she's leaving for the weekend, so that will give my nerves a little time to cool before doing anything else. I'll take the suggestion of a local coffee shop under advisement--I actually have a blind date tomorrow at a coffee shop (I made it before I had really considered pursuing a relationship with the girl in rez), so I'll see how that goes. (And let's not harbour any illusions about where that date is going--from what I know of the girl, I can say with confidence that neither of us will be interested in a relationship with the other.)

[ShySoul]

Why do you say you wouldn't be interested in a relationship with each other? If you aren't, why are you getting so close, snuggling, and almost kissing? Seems confusing. First you say you want a relationship, then you say you don't. Which is it? Could it be that you are just interested in the idea of having something cause its been so long, but you aren't really into her? Or is it that you are scared of starting something even though something is there?

 

Otherwise, I agree with Emily.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Misunderstanding here.

 

The blind date tomorrow is with a different girl. Let's call residence girl--the one I've been getting closer to--"Girl A", and blind date girl--the one I don't forsee a relationship with--"Girl B." I made the date with B over a dating website before I had developed real, immediate interest in a relationship with A. The understanding that I've had with B from the beginning is that whatever happens between us is not going to be serious--B herself is in an open relationship and said on her online profile that she is interested in a short-term fling. From the beginning, I've been working under the assumption that whatever happens between B and me lasts as long as I'm not in a relationship, which I had thought would be the case for a lot longer than I now think. Don't worry, I have every intention of calling anything non-platonic with B off beyond this coffee date, because--to lay all questions to rest--I am at this moment interested in a relationship with A.

 

To answer ShySoul's other questions: my former relationship does still affect me, to be sure. I am nervous about starting a new relationship up, and at the same time I have become more aware lately of my desire for a monogamous relationship. But my feelings about relationships in general haven't really changed that much, and I remain very conscious of my feelings. At the same time, I also have feelings for A, and I do believe that we could have a very meaningful relationship.

[RescueDiver]

90% of your job is already taken care of buddy. She's leaning her head on your shoulder, and you been stroking her hair and kissed her on the forehead. It sounds like she's ready for you to kiss her on the lips. Don't think about it too much, just do it. Trust me, if you start trying to plan it you're going to get so nervous you won't do it. The worst thing that could possibly happen is that she'll turn her head to the side and let you plant one on her cheek. But... I think she's waiting for that first real kiss so go get her.

I was in a similar situation not too long ago with a gal I was dating. I was pretty certain it was okay, but there just weren't any good opporutnities while we were sitting on the couch watching tv or movies so I know how frustrating it can be. It wasn't until we spent the night together (sleeping) that it happened. When we laid down in her bed I just pulled her in close and kissed her on the lips. So, that may be all you have to do here... just pull her in close and kiss her.

 

All you're needing is a little encouragement... boy if I had people cheering me on like you do here... I could've done a lot better in college (dating-wise). Back then all we had was the usenet newsgroup alt.love, etc...

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Thanks RescueDiver. It really does help to have encouragement. And there will be more opportunities, I'm sure.

 

I'll update this thread as various things develop. In the meantime, I need all the advice or encouragement I can get!

[ShySoul]

Ah, my mistake. Sorry about the confusion.

 

In that case, you really do have nothing to worry about. Girl A does sound interested in you and seems like she wants you to kiss her. You like her and think a relationship could happen, so you just need to set aside the butterflies and fears and go all in.

 

I had a very similar circumstance like what happened to RescueDiver. She wanted me to kiss her, and the moments were there. I just couldn't get up the nerve to do it. It wasn't until I spent the night and were were sleeping by each other, cuddling, that I was able to do it. All I had to do, and all you have to do, is stop thinking about it and kiss her.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice, it really helped a lot. Well, shall we now say that the deed is done. We were cuddling on the couch again tonight, and we started holding hands, and although she was a little hesitant to kiss me on the lips, I just said "Come on" in a kind of seductive way, and--it happened.

 

My heart's still racing a little, and I'm still shaking a little. I'm not sure if this means that we're officially "going out" yet...so I guess I should sort of ask what to do next.

[ShySoul]

Good going. First kisses are scary... but when they happen, wow!

 

If you are unsure about if you are going out, maybe you should go out. Ask her on a date, a real date.

[RescueDiver]

Congratulations! Glad to hear it worked. ShySoul is right first kisses are scary (and I go into burning buildings for a living!) The good news that you're past the hardest part... the bad news is that things will still be murkey for a while. No, it doesn't mean you're officially going out. Let's see... if I were you... ask her out on some real dates like Shy said and see where things go. Try not to let your heart go too crazy until you find out for sure that she's as into you as you're into her. You kinda have to play things by ear because this never goes the same way twice.

 

You know speaking of first kisses and stuff, I have another amusing story on that. I was dating this one gal "Marjy" I think her name was. Well on our first date we went out to dinner and stuff, went back to my apartment to kill time before we headed out to a comedy club. While we were there I was showing her pictures of firefighting, etc... So after a little while we go off to the comedy club then head back to a downtown hotel she had a room at. She was from a city an hour-and-a-half away and at the time it seemed presumptuous to invite her to stay overnight with me (since I only had a one bedroom apartment and no couch). Anyhoo, I think she wanted to change shoes or something because we were going out to have a few drinks at a local bar. So, after she took care of what she needed to she came over and sat on the bed next to me and dropped onto her back and said "so, now that you have me on my back what are you going to do?" and giggled. I'm pretty dense when it comes to "kiss me" signals and stuff like that, but even I couldn't miss that one. After I kissed her I said jokingly "is that what you were waiting for?" She laughed and said "yes." She later told me that she'd been wanting me to kiss her ever since we left the restaurant. She also started buying me drinks like I've never seen either... so in addition to that being the first time a woman has ever been that upfront about wanting to be kissed, that was also the first time I had a woman deliberately try to get me drunk!

 

Oh and Shy... the thing with my situation was that I had no idea if she wanted to be kissed or not. I mean we had exchanged hugs and stuff, but there were no clear cut signals (which I'm better about watching for ever since Marjy). I figured it was worth the risk and it was.

 

That reminds me... I suppose you could use that relationship as a template if you want Strc... just be forewarned... it didn't turn out the way I was hoping, but it started out great. Basically what happened after that is we went out to dinner a few days later, and after that we went to Mazda's ZoomZoom Live (link removed. We're both auto enthusiasts so that was an awesome date (actually that was the best date I have been on ever). We were pretty close physically that day too so I figured we were headed in the right direction. We'd been on a couple of dates before the first kiss too (and initially were only going to be friends because she wasn't comfortable with me being a firefighter). That was another thing that kept screwing with my head because she said flat out that it was a problem, but after our first date she was acting like she'd changed her mind but never said anything. So I was going out on a limb with that kiss. After the 5th date (ZoomZoom) I asked her if she was comfortable where we were headed and she said she was. She specified that she wasn't looking for a commitment yet though. My point is that at some point you'll want to find out if she's dating anyone else or if it's just you.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Guys,

 

Perhaps a little bit against my better judgement (only because it's going a little bit fast), I actually did bring up the subject of a relationship with her, and...well, we're now officially an item.

 

As for asking her out on a real date, I'm going to do that as soon as I have a little less schoolwork on my plate. However, I felt justified in taking this risk because we do really get along very well--not just in a lovey-dovey "No you're Shmoopie!" kind of way, but I do feel a strong emotional connection with her. I feel confident that once I'm less bogged down with work, we'll be able to take our relationship outside of rez.

 

I understand the risks of letting myself get carried away--my last relationship taught me many lessons in that. This is not, I repeat, not my last relationship. Things are actually going extraordinarily smoothly. I don't think the need to take it outside of residence is as urgent as it seems. Keep in mind our ages: I'm 20, she's 18 going on 19, and we're at one of the most demanding universities in the country. And I'm also a foreigner, so...basically, university is my life.

[Tigris]

I'm pleased you've got everything under control now.

 

Good luck and have fun

[ShySoul]

RescueDiver,

 

Funny isn't it? You can run into fire, risk your life on a day to day basis.... but the scariest thing is kissing a girl you really like. Women have such much more power then they realize.

 

My girl wasn't big on giving clues either. There were plenty of times I could feel it, but it takes ages before she actually said anything to me. The whole thing went on for months and was up and down. Finally we got it right though.

 

Strc,

 

LOL. Thank you for not choosing to use the word Shmoopie. That word is a danger to society. LOL.

 

I'm really happy for you that everything is going great. Keep it up and have fun.

[RescueDiver]

Funny isn't it? You can run into fire, risk your life on a day to day basis.... but the scariest thing is kissing a girl you really like. Women have such much more power then they realize.

 

Darn straight, sometimes I'd rather face the most horrific structure fire imagineable than the whole first kiss thing. Yeah it's great when it works but damn is it stressfull for some of us. Guess that's because I understand fire... whereas women... well, I've never been able to figure out why they do what they do. Yeah, women complaining about inequality... it's all been a sham! They've been in control throughout history... they just don't want to admit it! j/k

 

Glad to hear you've made it to "item" status Strc. I dunno, everytime I bring up that subject with a girl it seems to blow up in my face. Like "relationship?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and they head for the hills. And I end up standing there going "was it something I said?" And women say us guys are commitment-o-phobes.

[ShySoul]

Guess that's because I understand fire... whereas women... well, I've never been able to figure out why they do what they do.

 

Want some help? I think I understand women pretty well, or at least thats what they told me. Of course, understanding them and being able to deal with or prevent their sometimes wacky behavior.... that's a different story.

 

And the amusing thing is, they say the exact same thing about guys. Maybe men and women really aren't that different?

[RescueDiver]

Want some help? I think I understand women pretty well, or at least thats what they told me. Of course, understanding them and being able to deal with or prevent their sometimes wacky behavior.... that's a different story.

 

And the amusing thing is, they say the exact same thing about guys. Maybe men and women really aren't that different?

 

I don't to hijack this thread, but yeah, sure thing if you want to weigh in your expertise on this thread:

 

 

that's really only been thing baffling me lately, though to a point I understand why "she" made the decision she did.

 

I think part of the reason men and women don't understand each other is because for some reason we feel we have to play these "games" with each other like "don't show you're too interested" and so forth. If everyone would just be straight-up with each other things would be a lot easier.

[flutegirl23]

are we really that confusing? haha. i know that i was dating my current boyfriend for 3 or 4 monthe before we finally had our first kiss. and i kissed him. i know that you guys weren't dating officially when you shared yours, but it is nervewracking. i wanted my bf to kiss me so bad and he would shy away all the time so finally i just went for it. i'm glad that you got the courage enough to do it first. i never let my bf live it down. of course, now it's just a joke that he's the wimp cause he didn't kiss me first.

[RescueDiver]

Lol yeah you are that confusing because as I was just telling the gal I was just talking about... there's a difference between "just having fun" and being "romantic". What makes it so stressfull is in those early days of the relationship when you know you're falling for someone and you're not sure if they feel the same way. I've had enough women go "you're falling for me? I thought we were just having fun?"

[ShySoul]

flutegirl23,

 

Women and men are equally confusing. And thats my attempt at diplomacy.

 

On behalf of shy and nervous guys everywhere, I would like to thank you for being a girl who is brave enough and understanding enough to work through such a problem with your boyfriend. You didn't give up on him, and you ended up making his dream come true. Bet he's not so shy now is he?