I'm single & She's married ...

[IzzyBrowny84]

ok, I'll try and make this short ... her and I have been friends since junior high, (we are 22 right now) and I recently got divorced. we've always been good friends. I've always had a thing for her, but I always thought she was "out of my league" and I never had the guts to ask her out.

I'm away a lot due to my work, and I'm living in another state for now. I went home on vacation recently and spent some time with her. I found out she had feelings for me and if I would have asked her out, she would have gone out with me. I know I know, I should have done it, but didnt. anyways, I came home to visit my family and during the time I spent with her ... we kissed. It went a little further, but she is married and couldn't let it get crazy. I know I shouldn't have touched her, but ... I couldnt help it. we had a great time going out, and she treated me better than even my wife while I was married. She would take me out to eat, and while I had my son with me, she treated him great!

If she wanted a piece of *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* from someone, she could get it. why me? and why would she go through all the trouble just for that?

thats not the only thing she does for me, on my birthday ... the only gift I received was from her. she always stays in touch with me, and wonders how I'm doing and how things are going.

MY PROBLEM is that when we talk, it doesn't sound like she plans on getting divorced. I'm a guy, and since I've never ran into this situation, I feel weird asking her about feelings and emotions. I'm trying to keep it manly here! ya know?

she knows that I'm away a lot, and I dont think she would be interested in a long distance relationship.

Her husband (by the way) does not treat her well at all. he drinks all the time, I've heard of times that he's abused her, and never seems to appreciate anything she does.

so .... should I ask her what does she want to do? should I wait until she decides whether to get divorced or not? should I forget about what happened and never let it happen again????

[Hope75]

I think that you know that pursuing a married woman is wrong, or you would not be having these feelings of guilt.

 

It's not productive to mess with her for a number of reasons. First of all, she has a commitment to her husband. If he is treating her badly, she has an obligation to leave him, or try and work that out. Messing with you is not going to fix the mess she is in. Besides, do you really want to mess with someone who has so little respect for her marriage and commitment?

 

Next, if you mess with her, you are never going to get a full commitment and complete relationship because she is still married and so far not mentioning leaving her husband. Are you willing to settle for scraps and leftovers from a married woman? Do you think it is a good thing for your son to be involved in?

 

Lastly, you are going to be in a heck of a mess if the husband finds out. Do you really want to go there?

 

I think if you have feelings for her and it's gone as far as it has you have every right to ask what her intentions are. If her answer is not a clear cut "I am leaving my husband and I want to be with you", than I think you need to tell her that you are not going to see her or mess with her anymore.

 

You deserve a commitment, and someone who respects what a commitment is, and she obviously does not. Show your son that you respect yourself enough to steer clear of this woman until and unless she leaves her husband.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Depends. Are you interested in a long term relationship with this woman?

 

If so, don't bother. She has problems and she's not addressing them. She's just finding a convient outlet for her problems, but it wont amount to much. She'll do the exact same thing if you and her get serious. I gaurentee it.

 

If you don't care about ruining 3 peoples lives, go ahead and continue.

 

The best thing is to forget it happened and move on. Trust me, she's got issues that you're not privvy too, and in the end all three of you will end up hurt. You both could easily end up dead. Think your lives are worth that fling?

 

She needs to deal with her relationship, not complicate your life.

[ShySoul]

She's married. Period. Even if it isn't a good marriage, she is still married and it would be wrong to pursue anything with her. I think you do know that already. So try to push those thoughts to the back of your head.

 

But the real serious problem her is that she is in an abusive relationship. If the husband is as bad as you say, then she is so friendly to you because she wants to get away. You are the kind of guy she wants to be with, you show her there is something better then what she has now. She needs your support right now to help her deal with her situation. But you also have to be strong and not let it go to far.

 

Talk with her. Ask why she is still in a relationship with him if the guy doesn't appreciate her. Either help her see that they should get help for the marriage or that she should divorce him. It's for her own good and since you seem to really care about each other, she would be more open to listening to you. Should she take this advice, don't start a relationship immediately. I know you would both want it, but the emotional factors would put a strain on things. She would need time to heal. If after time passes you are both still interested in each other, see what happens.

 

I think the worse thing you could do is to not have contact with her. It would be a close friend whom she does love and who gives her hope abandoning her. She would be left with an unappreciative husband. It would not be a good situation for her to be in.

[melrich]

Talk with her. Ask why she is still in a relationship with him if the guy doesn't appreciate her.

 

I don't think you are the person to be doing this. I agree with the other posters, you need to stay away whilst she sorts out her marriage one way or the other.

 

If you are willing, you could tell her that you want to be with her but that you want to wait till she is out of her marriage before getting involved. Then you should leave it to her to sort out.

[ShySoul]

I don't think you are the person to be doing this. I agree with the other posters, you need to stay away whilst she sorts out her marriage one way or the other.

 

Not to start anything, but who is the right person? What if she does not feel comfortable talking about it with anyone else? She has demonstrated that she trusts him and talks to him, views him as a friend at least. Is it right to just remove yourself from what you know is a bad situation for her in which she could seriously get hurt? Shouldn't a person make every effort to reach out to and help someone they care about? I'm not saying to appoint yourself her guardian and superhero. I'm just saying to make an effort to reach out and talk about it. She still has to make the choice on her own, but knowing that someone cares enough to talk to her about it may be what she needs to give her the strength to get it.

 

It was before I was born, but my mother was in an abusive relationship. Having low self esteem it was hard for her to get the strength to end it. Having people who believed in her and encouraged her, letting her know that she didn't have to take it and that she should get out, helped her to take action eventually. If everyone had adopted the philosophy of "well, I'm not the person to talk to her about it, its not my place" then she never would have gotten that strength.

[Shadows Light]

You are friends, you've always been friends so build on that. And leave it at that...at this juncture. You do not want to be a 3rd to this triangle forming. If she's having problems with her husband then she need to "face" those issues and deal with it. And maybe this forray to the other side.... might get her thinking.

 

Don't get involved right now. Don't... if she files for divorce, the emotional strain will be ennormous let alone to have her head ping-ponging for example: between you, (feels good) and him (feels bad. Does that make sense.

 

You are her friend?? then be dirrect and ask her what her intentions are.. she needs to be true to herself. And you... keep your son off the battlefield to come. Don't get too deeply involved at this time. Don't allow yourself to be used as an escape vehicle.

[good_charlotte_freak2]

Maybe witing for her to decide what is up wiht her and her husband is a good idea. Remember she is married so don't let it go too far.

[LostInMyThoughts]

The OP isn't the right person simply because they already have an inappropriate relationship.

 

I don't believe that either one of them will be strong enough to deal with their emotional attachment to each other, let alone handle sorting out the mess with her relationship.

 

The person she needs to talk with is her husband. Period. If he's a jerkface and wont change, then she should take appropriate actions.

 

Having an affair definitely is not appropriate, and niether is discussing your marital problems with an outside party whom you have intimate feelings for. All that will do is strengthen their connection and make it harder for the both of them to do the right thing.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I also hate to say this, but what you two share isn't love. It's infidelity.

[ShySoul]

The OP isn't the right person simply because they already have an inappropriate relationship.

 

I don't believe that either one of them will be strong enough to deal with their emotional attachment to each other, let alone handle sorting out the mess with her relationship.

 

The person she needs to talk with is her husband. Period. If he's a jerkface and wont change, then she should take appropriate actions.

 

Having an affair definitely is not appropriate, and niether is discussing your marital problems with an outside party whom you have intimate feelings for. All that will do is strengthen their connection and make it harder for the both of them to do the right thing.

 

I think the fact that they have a relationship demonstrates a level of trust and support in each other that she is going to need if she is to get through this. We don't know the two of them enough to be able to say if they are or are not strong enough to handle it. I'm not saying it will be easy or that their aren't risks. That's why I made clear to not get in a relationship and to keep it separate.

 

Yes, she should talk to her husband. But if the guy is being abusive, she may be too scared to do that. Women in abusive situations often are too afraid to do anything, or they make excuses for his behavior. And the guy clearly isn't going to do anything. That's why it is important to give support and understanding. She needs to know that she can have better and deserves to have better. She needs to know that she doesn't have to put up with him and that she has the strength to leave.

 

If he feels that he may not be able to handle it, he doesn't have to. But he should at least say something, make at least some effort to help her. And he should try to get her to talk to someone else she can trust who may not be so attached. If he is the only one she feels ok talking to about this, the right thing to do is to help. Point is, he should do something. Can anyone, in good consience, sit back and do nothing when someone is in danger? Is it morally right to put yourself first and not at least try to say something? And if you really love someone, wouldn't you want to do everything in your power to make sure they are safe?

 

As for it being infidelity, thats why they shouldn't get into a more intimate relationship. But it could very well end up being love once they get through the problems in the way. And if the guy isn't treating her right, he doesn't deserve to be with her to begin with. He doesn't exactly hold the moral highground to be angry at them about infidelity.

[melrich]

No he should definitely not be the person to counsel her through this. He has too great a conflict of interest.

 

She should seek out someone else she trusts or family. If she has none she should pay for professional guidance.

 

You don't rely on the advice of a lover (potential lover) to work out your marital problems.

[Shadows Light]

I agree Shysoul with her husband not exactly being on moral high ground here.

 

What I'd caution the poster is.. that he is only hearing one side of it. It takes two to tango.. and there's probably enough blame to go around. The OP was married himself, I'm sure if he searched his heart he knows what I am talking about.

 

Its not uncommon for women to go from a marriage and secure another relationship before she's dealt with the first one. One of the main reasons being FEAR. If she is in a highly abusive relatinship she'll likely feel more comfortable with a protector.

 

As far as the whole INFIDELITY thing goes...we can argue about semantics here. Her husband promised to love, honor and cherish. By abusing her vebally or physically.. he has broken that covenant..and the promise. Not saying that two wrongs make a right... but it takes TWO to keep an eye on the relationship.

 

The best thing for OP to do .. is NOT turn this into a more entangling realtionship... NIXE ON THE SEXEEEEEE... the intimacy. It will cloud the issue.

 

IF... her husband should find out about the relationship before she's able to deal with her marriage, all bets are off. He'll feel validated, justified...and say that its HER DOING..and nothing he did wrong.

Not to mention if he's go that much of a temper..he may hurt her...and come after you. At this point..its not worth it. STAY close.. be a friend.. but don't complicate it even more with sex.

[ShySoul]

And if she doesn't feel strong enough or brave enough to go to a professional herself, then he should do his best to convince her to do that.

 

If the advice of a potential lover is "you shouldn't be with a guy who doesn't treat you right, you need to get away, and you need to do whatever it takes to make that happen"... what is so bad about giving it?

 

All I am saying is he do something to help a women in need. To just say "deal with it and then talk to me" - that seems very cold to me.

[melrich]

I think he can point her in the direction of some help for sure He just shouldn't be the crutch she leans on.

 

And see even this,

"you shouldn't be with a guy who doesn't treat you right, you need to get away, and you need to do whatever it takes to make that happen"...

is almost an example of what I mean.

 

Just about everyone who is having an affair or wants an affair is told or wants to believe that the marriage of the person they are having an affair with is on the rocks, or abusive...it makes the whole thing easier. It is also very common for the married person to say the marriage is on the rocks or abusive or whatever because it smooths the waters all around.

 

This sort of stuff can really cloud people's thinking.

 

I think this...stay away from a married person you have feelings for. Sure tell them how you feel, tell them how you would like things to end up but then stay away, let them resolve their marriage. Your involvement will only complicate things and may get nasty.

[ShySoul]

Yes, don't be a crutch. Yes, be careful. Yes, don't get to romantically attached. Yes, make sure this is really happening first. But if it is, then for her own safety she needs help. And if he can do it, then there is no justification for not doing it. We have no reason to believe it isn't really an abusive relationship and that its being used to make the two of them feel better about their feelings for one another. Unless we are given good reason to believe otherwise, I think we should take the situation as being serious, cause abuse is a very serious matter. In a situation where abuse is involved, top priority is to stop the abuse and get the women to safety.

 

Being involved could complicate matters. Not being involved could allow a dangerous situation to continue when there is the chance something good could be done instead. There are complications on both sides. I think in this instance, the moral issue of helping someone being abused should be the deciding factor.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I understand that you want nothing more than to ensure that this womans safety comes first. However if the woman isn't ready to leave her abusive husband, a third party will only make it worse.

 

That said, any an all contact between the two that involves discussion of her relationship will only lead to more intimacy between them. I still believe that the best course is for him to stay away. He's not a friend of the marriage and really has no business trying to be. If he's afraid for her safety either notify the police, or tell a friend of the marriage. Other than that he should stay out.

[Dating Coach]

Do you really know he abuses her? Have you seen it? You have a motive for believing what she says, so I am not surprised that you buy this story of hers, but unless you have seen it then do you really know?

 

Everyone here is talking as if she is really in an abusive relationship but we don't know that. I don't care what the circumstances were, she is the only one we know for sure that did anything wrong, and she cheated by making out with the OP when she is married. The rest is all stuff that came out of her mouth, and she is a cheater. The only person we can honestly conclude that has problems and is untrustworthy is her, so forgive me if I don't eat right up the excuses she throws out there.

 

Maybe she is getting abused, maybe she isn't. If she is, then she needs to take the initiative to leave. All I see from her now is someone who cheated on her husband with an old friend and talks about being abused, yet she still seems perfectly content to remain in that so called abusive relationship.

 

It looks like there is a lot more to this story than meets the eye.

[ShySoul]

There is no way we on the board can know what she is going through for certain. But if there is even the slightest chance this is true, she should be given the benefit of the doubt. To try and dismiss what she is saying because she is interested in another guy outside the marriage, is insensitive. Yes, she could be making the whole thing up. But that is a very cynical way of looking at things. The chances of that are slim. The chances are much greater she is being abused. Unless we have more to go on, better to be on the side of caution. Abuse is a serious matter and any potential of it should be taken seriously, not having the validity questioned or dismissed.

[Dating Coach]

There is no way we on the board can know what she is going through for certain. But if there is even the slightest chance this is true, she should be given the benefit of the doubt. To try and dismiss what she is saying because she is interested in another guy outside the marriage, is insensitive. Yes, she could be making the whole thing up. But that is a very cynical way of looking at things. The chances of that are slim. The chances are much greater she is being abused. Unless we have more to go on, better to be on the side of caution. Abuse is a serious matter and any potential of it should be taken seriously, not having the validity questioned or dismissed.

 

Don't get ahead of yourself there tiger. I didn't say anything about dismissing what she is saying and I am not saying she is making this up. I am saying that we don't know. I've known quite a few women in my time who did make up stuff like this or exaggerated it to the point where they might as well have made it up. We don't know. In everyone's advice they were all talking like this is the complete truth and we do not know anything. All I was doing was pointing out that we do not know and unless the OP knows something that he has not shared then neither does he know. Before we go on a spree to tell him what he needs to do this possible scenario needs to be considered. That's all.

[ShySoul]

And all I am saying is that if there is even the slightest chance of an abusive situation, it isn't right to consider any other alternative. I never said you said anything specifically. The original advice given was to tell her to deal with her problems and then call him, while he walks away doing nothing to help her. That was dismissive of her possible condition and was what I found to be wrong.

 

Fact is, rather or not this situation is real, unless we are given reason otherwise, we have to take a person at their words. If he says it is abusive, I have to believe he is telling the truth. Just like you would not go to a person who is threatening to kill himself, and ask him if he is really serious. If it is a potentially dangerous situation, better to assume the worse and work from there to question whether or not the situation is real.

 

And what if she found this forum looking for help on her own? Do you think she, or for that matter any women in her position, wants to have their word on something like that questioned?

[Dating Coach]

I didn't say we can't consider that it is true, I simply said that we should also consider that maybe it isn't. No one was considering that as a possibility and all I am saying is that this also should be considered. I think that I was pretty clear about this twice now. I don't see why there is continued discussion on this.

[pumkin_fairy]

im not sure that you could call it love really, but more of a fling or somthing.... but i would ask her how she feals you never know..

 

jen

 

xx

[ShySoul]

All I am saying is that if there is the slightest chance of abuse, I think it has to be taken as being true. What's the worse that can happen? She is lying, he tries to help, goes to the police, and the police find no sign of it. He feels angry at her for lying, hurt, forgets her and moves on. She is exposed for being a liar.

 

I think its a small price to pay for the potential of saving a persons life.

 

Think about it this way, if you were in a position where someone was threatening your life, how would you react? Would you want a person to help you and believe you? Or do you want everyone to start questioning you and saying "we'll I can't be sure if he's telling the truth?'

[Hope75]

Ok Guys,

 

You both have valid points. Let's not take away from the OP's original questions, ok?