If you were dumped, read this

[Regretfulman]

Think about it, when you were dumped by your ex, they took something away from you, right? They took the romantic relationship that you two had, and they walked away. Then they have the nerve to ask you to "just be friends". Well, that is just not fair in my book, and I don't think you should think it's fair either. Most of us will get weak and give in, and take whatever type of relationship the ex decides to give out. This is a huge mistake, especially is you are hoping that you two will eventually get back together.

 

What you need to do is even the playing field with your ex, because continuing to be in touch with them will only let them know that you are always there, it's a source of comfort for them, and they take you for granted. What the dumpees need to do is take away what's left of the relationship, the friendship, and walk away, just like your ex walked away with the romantic part of the relationship. Until you do this, they will always have the upper hand and power. At least when you walk away and decide to not be friends, they see you have power, and are not a toy to be played with

 

Not only does walking away and refusing to not be a toy send your ex a message, it also causes pain for them. Breaking up is tough for the dumper too, but not nearly as hard as it is for the dumpee. The dumper knows, or at least hopes that you will stick around and be friends, thereforeeee they don't grieve nearly as much. But when those of us who were dumped finally do walk away and mean it, the dumpers suddenly start to feel a similar pain to the pain they caused you after the break up. Before you know it, you have equality in a way, because each of you decided to walk away in some fashion, the playing field is more level. You now have a better chance of negotiating since you are more equal, instead of the dumper having all the power.

 

To sum it all up, when you were dumped you had something taken from you, and your only hopes of getting it back are when you decide to take something from the one who dumped you. When you are dumped, you can do some dumping of your own by refusing to be "just friends" with the ex, and you may not think thats big, but trust me, many times the dumper is expecting you to chase them still and settle for friendship, and when you refuse it and walk away, they are shocked and start to experience a small but powerful rejection, just as u did when they dumped you.

[frecklegirl]

Regretfulman I love your posts....thank-you.....I know you are right. My ex took alot from me...After I moved away to pursue a new job, we still were a couple...however, because I would not let him move in ( kids, fighting etc) he went online and found a woman in the area I live! Hard stuff!! Now, he has moved here and lives with this internet person. He still writes me about "wishes, missses, etc. and I end up seeing him!

I now want NC for me. I cannot feel used or just a toy for him when we had a real reationship for 4 years. It is killing me....the pain of him writing these flippant, " hey are you working tomorrow" stuff, to the more hearfleat lovey things.

 

He LIVES with another, here where I moved....I need to just know the ACTIONS as you have said, speak so much louder than words....but honestly I don't get it! How does one do this and why?

[TIGRONETTE]

So what happens if the ex doesn't want anything to do with you ?

 

what can you take away then ?

[Regretfulman]

if the ex wants nothing to do with you, then you might not have any way to even the playing field. However, just because they arent contacting you right away after the break up means nothing. Give it some time, sometimes it takes several weeks or many months before an ex starts to miss you, but as always, No contact is your best weapon in this war, goodluck

[bsp_kjm]

excellent post. Regretfulman, if you have a chance, I'd really like to get your insight on my current situation ( thanx

[Regretfulman]

bsp_kjm, is this girl seeing someone else? i read your thread and i get the feeling someone else is in this picture. my first guess is that she is using you as backup when she isnt with the new guy, and keeping you interested just in case things don't work out with him. Stick to NC or you will kill yourself with the pain, trust me

[NR498E]

the mans a genius

[bsp_kjm]

bsp_kjm, is this girl seeing someone else? i read your thread and i get the feeling someone else is in this picture. my first guess is that she is using you as backup when she isnt with the new guy, and keeping you interested just in case things don't work out with him. Stick to NC or you will kill yourself with the pain, trust me

at first i thought she was seeing someone else, but im not exactly sure anymore. thanks for taking the time to read my thread. Im going to try NC and see what happens...

[Regretfulman]

well good man, you will never ever go wrong by going NC, it's really the only way to go, for your healing, and your possibility of getting back together. Be patient and see what happens, my guess is it will drive her crazy that you suddenly decided to walk away, the future may be bright for you, just be strong and let her come to you

[bsp_kjm]

well good man, you will never ever go wrong by going NC, it's really the only way to go, for your healing, and your possibility of getting back together. Be patient and see what happens, my guess is it will drive her crazy that you suddenly decided to walk away, the future may be bright for you, just be strong and let her come to you

 

thank you!

[Hawk]

Regretfulman - thanks for the insight - let's keep this one popping up for those who are agonising over lost love.

[coooolsome]

What if your ex starts dating a really good guy. Someone who is just like me, funny, nice....etc. I know he wont treat her the same but just as good. They arent dating yet, but I have a feeling they will soon. I guess my last bit of hope was that they wouldnt and she would find someone who would end up treating her bad. I guess its better that she is happy.

[Hawk]

Coolsome - it is one of the hardest things to have to face, but it is inevitable - they are going to move on to someone else, The awesome thought is that we all will as well.

[coooolsome]

Hawk

 

I dont know why its bothering me so much. I guess the thought of her being with someone that will treat her like I did and the thought of her never coming back b/c she found someone else so great. I am happy for her but I am also sad. 4 years and I am nothing to her.

[Hawk]

Coolsome - if it helps I was with my ex for 7 years and I really thought that we were going to make it, she used to come home and talk about all of our friends that were having trouble in their relationships and I used to think thank god it's not us and then BANG ,it is us. I have seen a lot of people that I haven't seen in a long time and they keep telling me how great I look - lost a lot of weight and probably look the best that I have in fifteen years. When I get down I think to myself, if I was that happy in the relationship, then why all of a sudden are people telling me that I am looking so good. Could it have been that the relationship wasn't that good for me?????????? Don't get me wrong, I loved (and still do to a point) the woman, but as my dear old grandma used to tell me "everything happens for a reason"

[Regretfulman]

All you can do in these situations is establish a plan of NC, and heal yourself as good as you can, work on yourself, and send your ex a message through the NC. Maybe someday he/she will come back, or maybe they won't, but at least by doing NC, you have a better chance, and you feel better about yourself too

[novaseeker]

Breaking up is tough for the dumper too, but not nearly as hard as it is for the dumpee. The dumper knows, or at least hopes that you will stick around and be friends, thereforeeee they don't grieve nearly as much.

Eh ... not always.

 

I used to think this way bc I was generally the dumpee as well in past relationships. About 10 days ago I was the dumper for the first time since high school 20 years ago, and it hurt like hell. The difference is that the dumper doesn't feel the same pain of rejection that the dumpee feels, but there's a very powerful sense of failure, and you miss the good stuff of the relationship every bit as much as the dumpee does. And in that time I've grieved a lot.

 

I do think on the friends thing it's a very personal thing. We want to stay friends, and we are friends, but we are giving each other a wide berth, so to speak, for the time being so that we can grieve and get over things. Other situations you never want to speak to the person again in your life. It varies.

[Regretfulman]

novaseeker, i was saying that the dumper doesnt grieve as much as the dumpee, but if the dumper wishes to still be friends, and the dumpee refuses that offer, then the dumpee is taking away something the dumper wants, so it is a form of rejection in itself, a way of evening the playing field