Needing some advice: space when they need it.

[xmrth]

From what I've gathered from the advice I've received and read about, and because it's obvious-- we all need space sometimes...

Well I'm just wondering if I could get just a bit of advice on this here as I'm really trying hard to give space, just in case my boyfriend really needs it.

 

Just quickly I'll explain this past week:

Because of Thanksgiving, I've seen him for the past 3 days, and for a long while each. Last night he skipped the gym and came over early and stayed over until well after midnight-- something he has rarely done, but has been doing a couple of times within the past week and a half.

Well, he came over early specifically because he's got work to do --OUTSIDE-- at his house that he is supposed to be helping his father with...

 

Here's my dillemma sort of thing:

It's snowing out. He knows I want to see him because I've told him this last night, but if it's still snowing later when he's supposed to be doing this thing outside (I'm just avoiding specifics, so I'm just calling it "a thing outside". I know what it is.) then obviousely he's not going to be doing this. He told me specifically he'd call me, but I have no idea if that means later on tonight or what... and I have anxiety issues, so it's not really as simple as just saying "okay, he'll call me... then I'll find out."

So if he wants to do something else, then... so what? I mean he hasn't gone out with his friends in a long time, maybe a couple of weeks-- but last weekend he went out quick with one of his friends before he saw me.

 

It's just that part of me wants to be like "please please come over...." and he knows I want to see him, but I'm talking about out of respect for his space, to let him have a Saturday night for once on his own...

 

It's just that I'm not used to doing this and need some advice... or someone to agree in a way. It makes me feel better about it, because I know deep down that once in a while isn't so bad. If I had more to do I bet this wouldn't be such a problem. I'm trying really hard to fill my life with other things, but since that's not working out so well, I want to kind of mimic what it would do for us, which would be giving him space once in a while to have a life.

 

Last night he mentioned, though lightly (as in laughing, but not saying it for nothing) "Once in a while, I just want a life. But I already told you what I'm doing tomorrow [saturday]"

 

When I saw the flurries, I almost dashed to the phone, even though he was probably already gone to the gym, but then I held back... and came on here.. and now I feel okay.

[arwen]

Hey xmrth,

 

I think the best way to learn how to deal with this, is not how to deal with this specific relationship, but with these anxiety issues. I have experienced exactly the same thing in my first relationship, and worked hard to get rid of these feelings.

 

It seems like you adapt your life to his, and even if you give him space, he will know that deep down you are sort of waiting for him to come over. I think this is where it needs the change. It's healthy to have plans yourself, and a life of your own. Why don't you have a girlsnight out on a night that he will 'maybe' call? It's YOUR weekend, and if there are no plans between him and you, you might just as well make plans with others.

 

Ilse.

[xmrth]

I was thinking of calling up a friend for tonight and it would be good for him to call when we don't have plans and I'm out with my own friends, but part of me gets so afraid that I'll make these plans and he will call me right after with this wonderful thing we could do together, and I'd miss out. I feel like I'm not ready to deal with that yet, because there have been times he's called and come over earlier than planned, or come over at all when it wasn't planned. I was thinking for starters I'd see what he was up to when he called, and like I said, for starters, I'd just be like "ooh, blah blah. Well I have to go now, I'm going up to -this town/city- to hang with my friends because we made plans" but actually make the plans to do it right after, and go do it.

I know it would be so much more effective for him to call when I'm actually out... but I just can't do it for some reason. If my friends weren't an hour to 30 minutes away from me, it would be easier. I may even just go out to the bookstore, or someplace outside my house for when he may call... and then tell him of my plans or something and then make them.

I know that probably sounds so crazy, but I can't get myself to do it any other way.

It's still really scary for me, but I've got to face these fears sometime.

 

Thanks so much for your advice

[Hope75]

Hey xmrth,

 

I don't think you need to wait around to see if he changes his mind about not having plans tonight. Just go ahead and make your own plans with your friends! Is there a movie you've bene dying to see that you know your bf would rather not? Take the girls and go. Go shopping, hit the bookstore.

 

It would be good for both of you not to be attached at the hip.

 

Plus, you'd have more to talk about when you were together.

[arwen]

This is exactly what I mean, your agenda depends on HIS, instead of on yourself! Point is not even so much that he will somehow feel this, but that it's just LIKE this. Why do you do this to yourself? You are still a person independent from him, and it's awfully suffocating to have a relationship this way, for both of you. Just make plans, and see if he calls later. You can always make other plans another day.

 

You see, what you do now is being far too available. You have your own agenda, and both of you will have to make efforts to see each other. The way it is now, you will only make other plans if he does. And whenever HE wants to see you, he GETS to see you. It will be very healthy for a change to be just unavailable for plans.

 

And on the other hand, are your friends less important all of the sudden? I know friends of mine who do just the same. They get a boyfriend, and I seem to be invisible all of the sudden. I decided to put some friendships in the freezer for exactly this reason. If I feel I can only see my girls when their guys have other plans, I feel like a second choice.

 

I think you really need to work on these anxieties that lead you to make your world completely about this guy. Your world is still about who you are, he's just a pleasant addition to what you already had in your life.

 

Ilse.

[xmrth]

I don't really have friends, but I do have people I could probably call up and hang out with. All of which have boyfriends and are with tonight. One who I will definitely call tomorrow though because I know she's around. I was going to try her tonight, but I ended up staying in and working on homework (college)

 

My boyfriend called to find me at home. He's still busy and will be with the same thing tomorrow... and I asked him. I feel like maybe I really shouldn't have asked him, but I figured I would since I have off work tomorrow.

 

I'm trying to tell myself everything's fine instead of worrying about it. But I wonder if I've just convinced myself this or if things are going to be messed up?

We were talking about my current job which I'll be leaving soon for a paid internship somewhere else, but he suggested in the meantime I pick up hours, which would be Friday and Saturday nights. I would never work THERE those nights, but said I wouldn't because then I'd never see him. Which is true! But I am afraid he'll think that means it's all for him... but I'd be so unhappy working there those nights, even if it wasn't for him in any way. I'd work those nights at a job in my feild, though, and I've told him how serious I am about that.

 

I don't know... i'm probably messing everything up. I'm doing it all wrong.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

You are not messing things up. You are just having a hard time seeing things in perspective. Believe me, I have been in the exact same place. It's better to follow your own goals and not adjust your agenda to the one of your partner. Because why don't you get to see each other this weekend? Exactly, HE had other plans. Why can't it be the other way around, that you have other plans?

 

I think it's important to try and make other friendships. Do something for yourself. Like joining a sportsclub or a drama class or whatever you like. I made many new friends through jobs, studies and the hobbies I have. Maybe not people I see every week, but I always have people to hang with. Suppose you are single. Who would you call to see on a friday night? The way you are adjusting all your plans around his is part of the reason why having friendships is difficult, you are setting yourself up for this isolation. And you really needn't do that, you are a great person, and I am sure there are people who would be very happy to have you as a friend. Don't get yourself down.

 

The way it sounds now, your bf is more important to you than yourself. Try to balance this out. If you need the extra hours of work, you will force him to cut in his agenda to see you. Did you think of that? Just do what's good for your career and your situation.

 

Ilse.

[xmrth]

I never really thought about that, how you say he would have to cut his own agenda to see me due to my own work and activities. That's actually going to happen in about 2 months when he goes back to his job after having been going to school fulltime. But again that will be he who's busy... I guess part of me wants to stay available because in 2 months we'll even more rarely see eachother.

 

Sometimes I feel motivated to just do whatever activity comes my way, but then other times I just want to be with him. And today I was thinking how I'd go out and see if one of my friends wanted to do something, but I find myself feeling content with just staying at home and working on homework and other things I need to get done. It's like I'd rather be at home doing other things he takes my time away from when I'm not with him, but over the summer and winter break it's different... though I think I just really like being a loner, but there's times I can't stand it butI can't do anything about it because I've established nothing with people by wanting to be alone and have my alone time.

 

I've always been like that though, even before him, before any boyfriend I've had, I liked being alone, but then there's times I'd rather be out. I have no idea if that would change now, but after being with him, hanging with people only sounds like a good idea, but when the time comes, it's like I'd rather stay in and do other things that need to get done, or just be on my own or something... but the fact remains that I do plan around him. And it's so hard to break from that, I think even moreso because I like being a loner most of the time. I feel like this would be easier if I had friends who lived literally down the street from me... then I could actually do quick visits and things like that.

Alot of actual activities in my town aren't affordable right now, but could be after X-Mas, and I think that's probably my next try, is some sort of activity in my own town. I have been puttering around the idea of going to the gym just to work out for a while, but for starters I wanted to go with someone... but nobody lives anywhere near here or has money or this or that... I may just go alone, but the gym I'd need help figuring out what I'm doing, haha.

[bsp_kjm]

martha,

 

ilse has the best advice for ya in this situation. like ive told you in our msgs, I'm just like you. i would base my agenda around my ex's. i would never make plans with others because I wanted to leave time open to plan stuff with her. now that i look back, i wish i had done the things with my friends that came up instead of blowing them off to make time for the ex.

 

keep yourself busy, gal! i know you wanna spend your time with ur bf, but you gotta make an agenda of your own that is just for you. keep strong

[xmrth]

Thanks so much for all the replies.

 

I am wondering if it's bad that I just ask him if he wants to stop by? I feel like now I have to stop asking him all together just to turn this all around, but when he calls me unexpectedly, I want to ask him if he can come over or something, like today for example, but he wanted to go home after he goes to the gym, and get food and relax. Does this actually have the same effect on someone as keeping a schedule open?

I just feel like the only thing that's going to change anythign is me being out with a bunch of friends and sudenly not having any time for him at all. But there's no time for that to actually work out that way. Even though I know it's not just for him, but for me too. Though today whne he called I was in a meeting for getting my resumé in order, but it's not like I'm out having some exciting time without him.

I don't know but I'm so afraid I'm ruining everything. I have no idea how to really show him I've got my own priorities and back off because nothing seems to phase him even if I do involve myself with things other than him. Maybe it just takes a while, but I'm so stuck like this because I have no initiative basically because our time is limited to weekends, and I don't want to do something in place of see him unless it's something I absolutely have to do... mostly because like I said, nothing would really seem to show him, though it's not just for him but for me as well. I just feel like I'm in some rut with nowhere to take myself to get me out. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong or something.

[arwen]

Xmrth, I think it would be healthy to plan your agenda with something else than seeing him now. Just so both you and him know that there is more than just you and him. I think a guy is perfectly able to tell if a girl is waiting for him. Point is, for most persons it's less interesting to be involved with someone who is always available, if not suffocating.

 

Just try to relax more, and see what he does. Put yourself first.

 

Take care girl. You are worth a happy life, don't be so harsh on yourself

 

Ilse.