Why is it so hard to understand that an ex is an ex for a reason!!!

[SALLY_ANNE]

To give you a quick overview of where I'm coming from...

I'm in my early twenties. Have only had three serious relationships (in my third now). My last two relationships brokoe up because of the involvement of the ex. My view- an ex is an ex for a reason. There is a reason the two of you are no longer together. It didn't work. Move on. There is no such thing as well we didn't work as a relationship so we'll just remain good mates. There will always be one party harbouring feelings (good or bad) for the other whether you want to admit it or not. It will inevitably cause hardship for you when trying to pursue future relationships also. My question...

If you have broken up with your ex, you have found yourself a new partner that you are happy with, why must you insist on keeping a relationship/contact with the ex???? If you respect and love your new partner why can't you let go of the past? Who cares if things ended amicably between the two of you. You should both move on with your lives and enjoy your new partners. Not interfer in the relationship by contacting your ex- even if it is because you say your just "friends" (ex's can never be just friends!) Respect your new partner and discontinue all contact with your ex. It is not such a hard request.

 

Why do you think it is so hard for people to do this????

ARRRGGGGHHH!!!! I HATE ex's!!!!!

[teacup]

because hope beats eternal in the human breast.

[SALLY_ANNE]

oh so philisophical thanks Plato. If they aer so hopeful that they will get back with their ex then they SHOULD NOT enter into any new relationship until these feelings have been eradicated.

[WyseOne]

Out of respect for my significant other I do not remain in contact with ex's. Sure they may contact me and I have no control over that but if they do I do not make time for them, I tell them I am busy and get off the phone. I do not tell them not to call me but if they started calling frequently I would tell them.

 

I have one ex that is very close to the parents and they even know if she is going to be coming for a visit to let me know so I am not around when it happens.

 

It's just all out of respect.

[melrich]

If you have broken up with your ex, you have found yourself a new partner that you are happy with, why must you insist on keeping a relationship/contact with the ex????

 

Yeah I am in two minds on this. I can really see where you are coming from and my partner now does not like me staying in coontact with my ex-wife (which I did).

 

In fact I have remained pretty good friends with all the women I have had long term relationships with (4), just because I like them as people.

 

But I know how my partner feels and I have had to modify my relationship with my ex-wife.

 

Yeah I have mixed feelings about it.

[SALLY_ANNE]

It seems like you want the best of both worlds!! What can these women from pervious relationships give you that your wife cannot?

[SALLY_ANNE]

Wyseone you say you have no control over them contacting you. YOU DO!

I am not saying you have to be mean to them and tell them to . All you simply say is that you aer in a relationship and for the sake of you continuing that relationship you think it best that you both go about your own business and get on with life. If she doesn't understand and tries to turn it round on the girlfriend then she is sticking round for more reasons than you know. She can find plenty of friends. Better yet she can find a man of her own and be happy with him.

[melrich]

It seems like you want the best of both worlds!! What can these women from pervious relationships give you that your wife cannot?

 

LOL...nothing. But that is a bit like saying "well I don't need to be friends with anyone other than my best friend because what could anyone else give me that my best friend can't"

 

I don't stay in touch with them for any other reason than they are friends. My partner knows them all except for my ex-wife and gets along well with them all. We'll often go out with them and their partners for dinner or whatever. They are just good friends.

[kellbell]

Sally Anne,

 

I totally know what you mean. I broke up with a wonderful guy because exactly what you wrote. He left out the fact he was still good friends with an ex he dated years ago in college but wanted to get back with her when he came back from the military but she wanted nothing to do with him in that way and she was pretty blatent about not wanting to be with him. But he persisited on having her in his life, kinda like, he'd rather have her in his life as a friend than not at all. So when I came into the picture, he left out that detail, but only to tell me he is still friends with her 2 months into our relationship, he lied about when she called, tell me he didn't call anyone on the Christmas we were together, when in fact he called her and only her. Bought her something for Xmas and went up to MA to have lunch with her to give it to her!!! So after a few months of that jive, I dropped him, just stopped talking to him.

 

I don't get it folks, it's sooooo pointless, move on!!! This happened 3 years ago and still scratch my head about it sometimes.

[SALLY_ANNE]

you misunderstand me. I am not saying cut yourself of to just one person. I do not deny the fact there are several interests that your wife may not share thereforeeee you talk to others about this. I am saying why involve your ex as one of these contacts. it is simply unecessary. and why hasn't your wife met your ex? if it is because she doesn't want to -completely understandable by the way. If that's the case then you respect your wife's feelings and stop seeing your ex.

[SALLY_ANNE]

i know. then they are the ones arguing that they are "just friends" and there should be no reason to worry menawhile he secretly wants her back. what a nerve. men really aggravate me sometimes.

[WyseOne]

SALLY_ANNE that is why I said if they started calling frequently I would tell them. If they call once or twice a year just to ask a question that does not pertain to me or the relationship we had then I simply answer them, I do not let the conversation carry on and if they even tried to make the conversation personal then I would tell them on the spot.

[SALLY_ANNE]

don't get me wrong I'm not man-bashing here. It is just as much the ex girlfriends fault. what the hell is that lil skank trying to get her hands back into the cookie jar for??? if they are both hanging around just incase things don't work out with the new partners and they will then have a "fall back" with each other that is just pathetic.

 

I have so many more things to say regarding guys and girls and how they act. This day-and-age it has just gone too far where too much has been previuosly acceptable and now a decent relationship is hard to come by or keep.

[kellbell]

I don't know why he ever bothered with me if he in fact secretly wanted her back. I was terribly hurt when I found out the truth. She doesn't even want him back or else a mutual friend would never have introduced us. He was the one pursued me in the beginning!! I don't get it, I just don't understand!

[melrich]

and why hasn't your wife met your ex?

 

She's met them all except one. As I said, she likes them. Gets along well with them.

 

because she doesn't want to -completely understandable by the way.

 

Yes exactly. Read my first post to this thread. I agree with you.

 

If that's the case then you respect your wife's feelings and stop seeing your ex.

 

Again read my first post to this thread. I have.

 

Look, I told you I actually agree with what you have posted in most respects.

 

But I have mixed feelings about it because I am still good friends with some ex girlfriends. My partner is good friends with them too. So am I going to kick them out of my life because they have the mantle of "ex"...no I'm not.

 

And I have to say, I am their "ex" and none of their partners have ever had any problem with me being friends with them.

[SALLY_ANNE]

so why are they calling you....I'm sure there are several other people that can help them with their queries. And by saying anything to them you are just leaving the doorway open for them to call again. Meanwhile your wife girlfriend whatever has more chances to get aggrevated by it whereas you could just nip it in the bud and the problem would go away.

[SALLY_ANNE]

if your wife is comfortable with some of your ex's i.e. she is also friends with them then that is her parogative she obviously doesn't feel as strongly on the mater as i do. however if this latest ex wife of yours that she hasn't met is giving her grief why are you holding onto her. if you knew that it could compromise your relationship with your now partner would you continue the relationship with your ex?

[melrich]

she is also friends with them then that is her parogative she obviously doesn't feel as strongly on the mater as i do.

 

Exactly.

 

however if this latest ex wife of yours that she hasn't met is giving her grief

 

Please read my posts! I have never said that.

 

why are you holding onto her. if you knew that it could compromise your relationship with your now partner would you continue the relationship with your ex?

 

Please read my posts. I'm not holding onto her. I knew it would compromise my relationship. I don't see her anymore.

[SALLY_ANNE]

melrich

 

you said you had to "modify" your relationship with your ex wife. If she is completely off the scene i.e.no phone calls no e-mails, no contact then there is no problem. You have respected your wife's wishes and that is good. But by "modify" I get the feeling you still have contact in some form or another with your ex which is what I am saying is not right.

[SALLY_ANNE]

I am liking this discussion and want it to continue. The more we explore the better. Don't think I'm ignoring you. Have to go into a meeting for bout half an hour. Will be eager to see responses when i get back.

[melrich]

Quote:

If that's the case then you respect your wife's feelings and stop seeing your ex.

 

Again read my first post to this thread. I have.

 

Sally Ann, that's what I posted when i understood you did not get my meaning in my first post.

 

Try and read what is in the post, not what you want to read.

 

To summarise, I am good friends with a number of my exes. So is my partner. She was not comfortable with me staying in contact with my ex-wife. I do not.

 

That is why I have mixed feelings about it.

 

Got it?

[WyseOne]

You seem very bitter about this ex thing, if you were my women than yes I would tell them never to call again. Let me tell you one thing, As long as I am ever in a relationship I am devoted to my partner and would not even think about getting with anyone else, ex or not and I would not end the relationship to be with someone else if I love the person I am with. I am not going to get into what the questions were and all that but just because an ex called me does not mean I am going to jump into bed with them, it does not mean I am leaving the door open. It only means that they called me 1 or 2 days out of 365, it is harmless. I am sorry what you had to deal with however not all men are like them.

[kellbell]

Unfortunately, my ex was on a WEEKLY contact basis with his ex, not the occasional 1-2 phone calls a year.

[SALLY_ANNE]

wyseone

 

maybe harmless on your end but not on your ex's or your girlfriends for that matter. again difference between men and women. you see it at harmless I see it as opportunity to cause conflict. as i said it is prob with women i have also. the nerve of your ex to call you for some random question she could ask anyone. she the problem in this case. if you ditched her why you still in two minds bout it??? what is it you think you have lost/missing out on by not being "friends" with her??

[SALLY_ANNE]

i know kell bell. it sucks doesn't it. but in the end he just wasn't right for you if he constantly thinkin bout her. you want someone that is totally absorbed in you. someone who wants to spend all their time with you as opposed to thinking its a chore or something they are being "made" to do. as it said earlier hard to find a decent man like that anymore.