Anyone been or going through the court system

[blues_belter]

Hi I'm new here. Was wondering if any of you have filed charges on a boyfriend or husband. I called the police on my boyfriend who was arrested and at the last pretrial hearing, his defense requested a continuance for a month while he seeks batterer intervention counseling. The next hearing is December 15. I don't have a protection order- don't feel i need it but we are not in contact- I believe he was advised by his attorney not to speak with me.

 

Is anyone else going through this?

[WildChild]

I guess I am not quite certain what your question or concern is..is it about the process?

[avman]

My brother has gone through something similar with his soon-to-be-ex.

 

What specifically is your question?

[blues_belter]

I was just wondering about the process, really. What happened to Avman's brother and his soon-to-be ex?

[Hope75]

Your ex's lawyer might be having him seek batterer's counseling so that when it's time to sentence him or try him, he can say "my client is remorseful and he even went to batterer's counseling."

 

I suspect he thinks the judge/jury would be more leniant on your ex if he "shows" he is regretful and trying to seek help and change his ways.

 

May I ask what happened in the relationship? Were you battered for a long time?

 

I am a domestic violence survivor myself. I'm sorry you have had to go through this.

[blues_belter]

Hi Hope 75

 

I'll Try to make it short. We have been together on and off for 3 yrs- living together for one. The abuse started out slowly- and was never out of the blue- it always came on during an argument- usually he wanted me to shut up. We never argued unless he had been drinking- not to say it was because of the alcohol- but it was a factor. He was like Jekyll and Hyde like they say. It has been going on for about a year (maybe once a month)and of course he'd be sorry and promise to never do it again. Then of course, he'd rationalize and minimize behavior. More recently during a calm conversation, he even told me he was not a violent person!! This, while i still had a black eye! Right before i called the police this last time, he said"I never hit anyone before you!" I don't know, it's all very confusing. I want to believe i did the right thing. I do still love him, but i refuse to put up with his behavior anymore. He's got an alcohol and anger problem. Sometimes he recognizes it and expresses an interest in getting help- other times he completely denies it. He goes back and forth all the time.

 

The funny twist in all this is that we have a regionally successful musical group about to release our first CD. We still perform together but do not speak at this time. It's bizarre!

[avman]

Yes, you did the right thing.

 

My brothers wife has an abusive personality. It was just verbal for quite awhile. She did the same thing - promised not to be so nasty, etc. Then finally one day she hit him in the head. He called the police. And she got arrested.

 

She plea bargained, pled guilty, and got probation. They are now in the middle of an extremely nasty divorce. He never got a protective order either, but he should have. She was supposed to attend counseling, but didn't. I believe it violates her probation but I'm not sure.

 

You did the right thing by calling the police. He needs a wake up call. And you need to get out of the relationship. I don't believe it for a second when he says "I never hit anyone before you". Plus, that doesn't make it any better. Abuse is abuse. And you don't deserve it.

[blues_belter]

Thanks- that put it in perspective for me- i guess he was just trying to make me feel like it was my fault. I'm sure it is a wake up call for him. Not to be arrogant- but he really had a good thing with me and a nice place to live. I'm sure he realizes he messed up but its too late now.

 

You know what they say about guitar players? Guitar player-girlfriend= homeless. Just a little music humor. Thanks for listening

[Hope75]

This sounds VERY familiar. My ex fiance was a guitar player in a band too! He was a very nice person most of the time when he wasn't drinking, but he was an alcoholic and also had a drug problem. When he drank and we had fights it was the worst. Like yours, my ex would always apologize afterward and swear it would never happen again. He also said he was not violent by nature, and that he had not hit anyone before me. We lived together and were engaged for 5 years.

 

I wonder how much of it is contributed to that type of lifestyle.

 

 

I can't believe you still perform with him after all of this. Isn't that difficult?

[blues_belter]

It is a little awkward to perform together but we are professional and have been through awkward moments before when we would break up in the past- we'd always work together. Now it's a little different. We have absolutely no contact with each other.

 

Yesterday, though, we were invited to be interviewed together to promote an upcoming concert. I faced a dilemma as to whether or not i should let him know. I called and called our manager but no reply. So i figured that since it IS his group, i would call up where he was staying and leave a message with whoever answered. His mother's friend answered and all i did was ask to just leave a message for him. She agreed and asked if he needed to call back. I said no- just told her what time he should show up to radio studio. I said he would probably want to know about it- being just business and all.

 

Well, he never showed up at all. That really floored me. I don't know, perhaps he is still nervous- i'll get him in trouble- but this is business. I know his lawyer tells him not to contact me. I hope i did the right thing, but personnally i think it's a case of busted if i do busted if i don't. What do ya'll think?

[Hope75]

Do you have a restraining order out against him?

 

If so, that would be a good reason why he didn't show up, and why it's probably not a good idea to perform together.

 

His lawyer may be advising him to stay away from you so he gets a lesser penalty when his court date comes.

 

I understand trying to maintain a professional front, but do you really think it's a good idea to be playing with him right now, with all that's going on? His lawyer could use that against you in court-- saying that if he really abused you and if you were really afraid of him that you would never still come around to perform with him... and frankly, I have the same question myself.

[blues_belter]

I can understand your questions about my situation. No I don't have a restraining order against him. Thing about him was, though he was sometimes abusive when he was drunk, he never threatened to get back at me, and while we were together, he never isolated me from others and was never jealous or possessive like a lot of them are. He's just not the obsessive stalking type, so I'm not afraid of him.

 

What complicates things are the fact that we are both under a management and recording contract, so we are legally obligated to perform together. Now, if i was really afraid for my life, I know i could find a way to get out of it. And at first i really just wanted to get away. But I'm not going to shy away from a good career just because of him. There is no court protection order, but i know his lawyer advised him against personal contact and was even leary about professional contact, but she relented on that one. Our business manager, who personally cares about both of us (but of course, she's also concerned about our $$) insists that we also stay away on a personal level. It is very strange situation indeed. I suppose when the court case is over, we can figure out how we'll handle the long term. I'm not worried about his lawyer using this against me because i do have good solid evidence and the prosecution worked out a deal where he will attend 26 weeks of batterer group counseling. Perhaps he will get his record cleared because of this but counseling is sure better than jail IMO. And, there were several instances a long time ago where he mentioned the desire to do this- he just never did.

 

Though he probably does blame me on many levels, he is aware that it is HIS behavior that has caused this problem. Right before we "took a break" (after he got out of jail, but before he talked to a lawyer), he said that he felt our relationship could be a very good thing without all this other BS. He was the one who decided to move out for a while to get his head together. I agreed it was for the best. Who knows if counseling will help him. I know he knows it's wrong, but i guess he will only change when he stops blaming other people ENTIRELY. A lot of mutual friends i have talked to have said he is really motivated to turn his life around. Not sure exactly what that means, but oh well.

 

As for his no- show the other night at the radio show, i was taking it a bit personally but i guess it was probably he didn't feel comfortable about being alone with me because of everything thhat is going on.

 

It is indeed a precarious situation...