hey wants me bk but i cant forget how much he hurt me

[emma201279]

Hey, I have a bit of a situation that I kind of need advice on.

My ex b/f and I were together for just over a year in a long distance relationship (as we both went to different universities 3hrs from each other). We were both so in love with each other and made an effort to see each other almost every weekend, we even went on holiday together over summer (which was great!). Anyway a couple of months ago everything went pear shaped. This was his final year at university and the most important for him (which I knew).

One day he told me he needed to tell me something that had been eating away at him for a while now. He told me he couldn’t be the b/f I wanted or deserved coz of the amount of work he’d have in the coming year and that he wouldn’t be able to see me or talk to me much…but said that his feeling for me hadn’t changed and that there was no other girl he wud rather be with.

This broke my heart as I couldn’t understand how he could put everything in front of me. I felt like I wasn’t important to him at all. I always thought that if u really wanted something bad enough (or u really wanted to be with someone bad enough) then u could make it work no matter what…. But I guess he didn’t want me bad enough to try and make it work.

I was upset for weeks after the break up, as it was all so unexpected and I still really cared about him. But I decided that there was no point in me waiting around for a year for him to decide if he still wanted to be with me or not and made an effort to move on and be happy with my life.

However recently he’s been contacting me telling me he still really loves me and misses me and wants to get back together and even said that he wants to move in with me where I’m studying after his final year.

I don’t know what to do- I still love him too and do want to be with him ….but it’s really hard to forget how much he hurt me…..what if he unexpectadely decides he doesn’t want to be with me again in the future? I don’t think I can handle that. i'm so scared of getting hurt again L . I’m confused about what’s rite to do- my hearts telling me to get back with him but my heads telling me to move on.

When we were together I had this fairytale ending of us being together forever (never being apart) and being happy forever- but he ruined that ending. I always thought id be with a guy who would love me so much and want to be with me no matter what.

 

I just need a bit of guidance and advice about what I should do and wot other people wud do in my situation.

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

xxx

[WyseOne]

First I think he is a standup guy. He knew he was not going to be able to provide the attention he felt you deserved and explained why which is very respectful. I can't see why things shouldn't be able to work out if you both have feelings for eachother. Ask him what his intentions are with you and take it slow.

[Relationship Coach]

Emma,

What he did may have truly been in your best interest. He was honest and his reasoning seems very valid. You should not be offended by the fact that he made a very tough decision and sacrificed your relationship to finish which was also a life long commitment. He wanted to focus on what will determine the course of his future. Did you offer to drop out of school and move in with him, understanding his quest and respecting his commitment to school. Would he ask that of you? NO! He knows you and understands what you need out of a relationship, this was not an easy decision to make I'm sure. Now that he is finishing and wants to get back with you and move in, you know where his heart is and where it has always been, with you.

 

In my book he made the ultimate sacrifice and tested the strength of your love for each other. I had a very similar situation with one of my couples. He was going off to Iraq and wanted her to realize that because the length of his deployment was uncertain, he wanted her to finish school and be free to see other people. This was a selfless action and gave them both the space to determine the strength of their relationship. He has since returned and they are now married with children. I supported his decision and helped her to come to terms with what he faced in order to make the decision. I worked with her over a three month period dealing with a variety of issues and emotions, in the end everything worked out for the best.

 

Talk to him about your fears and concerns.

 

Best of luck!

[Tpysl]

He has his future to worry about as well as you. He made the right choice in telling you everything and focusing on being able to get a good education so he can get a good job. Would you really take that away from him? That would be really selfish. Besides, he even said that there's no other girl he'd rather be with. That by itself should give you the answer you want.

[arwen]

Hey Emma,

 

I understand you feel you need to be cautious with your heart. However, to me it seems like your man really loves you. It's not nothing to want to move away from your home for someone. I'd say take it slow, maybe let him visit you first to see how things go.

 

Ilse.

[emma201279]

thanks for your advice guys! its really helped a lot.

i know he cares about me it's just hard for me to totally understand his actions as it's not something i personally would have done. i always thought relationships were about compromise ya see. i've always known how important his degree was to him and how hard he works and ive always given him plenty of space when he needed it.i just don't know how this year would have been so different coz i already knew how little i'd be seing him but didn't think we'd break up!

i just don't know how he cud have made that risk loosing me forever...i mean for all he knew i cud have met sumone else and moved on by now....

(which i havent btw)

i guess i just want to be convinced that he really does love me and wants to be with me before i get my feelings involved again.

[yeawutever]

At least he was being honest, thats wut rational people do when they're uncomfortable in a relation. He reasoned with logic instead escaping from the problem by being with another girl.

[Relationship Coach]

I think he had plenty of faith in the strength of your love for each other. Yes, he could of lost you to someone else but he didn't. You love him and he loves you. Grasp it and hold on to it. Read these forum pages and look how many people would trade places with you in a heart beat. I know you understood his level of commitment to finishing his degree but maybe he would have felt terribly guilty having to study alone on a weekend when you would rather be with him or out having fun. He made a huge sacrifice for your love. Give him another chance to share the rewards of his labor.