Getting Back Together With An Ex

[Mstyiyd]

My question is this: If you and your significant other break up, for whatever reason, you do NC, and down the road the dumper contacts you, is a "good" thing to do if you possibly want to get back into a relationship with that person down the road /// to re-establish a friendship first? Where that's all it is, no sex, no promise of anything, just friendship?

 

(My feeling is that a healthy relationship is where there is a base of friendship as the foundation or as part of it. )

 

(I am not implying that its a good idea to sleep w/your friends, just if you had been friends as well as lovers is that the way to go if you wanted to have something more down the road).

[Lion-Guy]

I am also interested in the same questions. How else can you try to re-start things with your ex if you don't spend time together. I can't see how my ex, 6 months down the road will decide that she wants to be my girlfriend again if we don't see eachother. There has to be some sort of contact and friendship to build from.

[ehm doubleyou]

My question is ....why bother?

 

Why bother building a friendship with your ex again hoping to maybe someday get back together...what if it does not pan out? what if one person wants to get back together during the friendship re-establishment phase and the other doesnt? My advice is ...6 billion people on this planet....find someone new to share your life with.

[ehm doubleyou]

what do you mean its not easy? I never said it was...but doing this friendship first thing is only asking for more hurt along the way.

[ComputerGuy]

While it definmately isnt that easy, EHM is correct, albeit very blunt with his point

 

You broke up for a reason, you weren't compatible. He will be the same person now as he was before and although on the surface he may have changed, at his age (presumption based on your age...I assume he's close) he is who he is, and it will be only a metter of time before the old problems resurface and you land yourself back at square one kicking yourself for wasting all that time spent healing and moving on.

[Mstyiyd]

I know, its simple solutions yet very complicated ones at the same time. I wish it could be that easy, at least in my case. I see "ehem's" points....my ex and I were very close friends for a long time before it ever developed into something more. It is a risk we both took and I personally don't regret it because sometimes you have to jump into things or else you'll never know.

 

I'm just saying, if a person was to give it a shot again, whether it works or not is a moot point right now, but if you were, because you were willing/able to put your feet in that direction, do you start w/friendship and no expectations of a relationship?

Im also aware that one person may develop or have more feelings than the other...just bear w/my weird question......

[ComputerGuy]

...do you start w/friendship and no expectations of a relationship?

 

The problem I see with it is this: You want a relationship from it, whether you expect it or not, so isn't it in a way kidding yourself trying to be friends first? Unless you can be perfectly OK with that and if you can only be friends with him and nothing more you can straight away stop thinking about and hoping for more.

[Mstyiyd]

I guess in a way you are right, ComputerGuy...appreciate your input.....i can't honestly say that wanting something more than friendship is me not kidding myself....i dont want to get hurt again and I've done well maintaining my NC when it was on and now that we've been talking some, I wait for my ex to call (not wait around, but she has to make the move, not me) and go on about my life. I was thinking about different facets of this and that thought ran accross my mind, about what it is like if you were to reconnect w/an ex (ours was due mostly from bad timing).....starting w/friendship and going slow as the best way........

[ComputerGuy]

Well if you feel comfortable telling the story of why you split in the first place and why you got together in the first place, it may shed a bit more light on things.

[Mstyiyd]

Ok, I can tell the story. I have posted it a # of times before so if anyone does read this who already knows it, sorry. I call her my ex because there is no other term I can put on it. We were good friends, very close for several yrs. We became intimate nearly 2 yrs ago now. The timing was quite bad. She had just gotten out of an almost 9yr rel with a woman who cheated on her 9 out of 9 yrs....she kept taking her back until one day the chick didnt' come back. Her ex left her during a few life threatening illnesses she had. When we became intimate we never officially became a "couple". You would have thought we were but she always said "just friends". You can only imagine....we did everything together, it wasnt about someone else....i helped her thru cancer.....her ex had dumped her in part because she felt she was "too young to go through this & was entitled to more in life". So I guess I was there and picked up the pieces. I did not pressure her to make a committment, I had been out of a very bad relationship for about a yr before we got "together" so I had a little more time under my belt and it was not a long relationship. I simply tried to be there as a friend and then it developed into smthg more. We both were/are responsible for that. However, she wanted to go out and party (she is 41 now) I guess because for almost 9yrs she had been tied down. I understood that, in a f(&^&^ way, so I never said anything. She wanted to go out and party, not hook up w/someone but party, and then come home to me. That is what I meant about wanting her cake & eating it too. She wanted certain components of a stable relationship w/o having to put much effort into anything back., And after a while, that extended over to the friendship. I understand that she wanted to rediscover herself, grieve, heal.....i never tried to take the place of her ex (heck, I am 100% better of a person than she ever could be).....she knew me for a long time and knew she could trust me. Especially more than her immature drinking buddies. She has some good friends but mostly hangs out with the bar people. That is her choice.....but back in June I got fed up with being a doormat, allowing it to go on and I did NC.

So that is an abbrievated version of things. She called me last month on my b-day and reopened the contact. I followed the NC rules I read on here and did NOT contact her on her b-day in August because it wasnt healthy for me. I think she would have been content to be or remain friends.....she said that she slept w/me for a yr bec. she was "vulnerable">sorry....i have a hard time accepting that. If she says it i guess its true, but to me a yr sleeping w/the same person is a LONG rebound!!! To me a rebound is typically anything from a 1 nite stand to maybe a few months. But to do that for that long of a time, take me home to her family every wkend, spend time w/my family, have me in the hospital with her...?? Dont get it! She had other people whom she could have asked.......none are as loyal, but there are people who may have been there. Maybe because I dealt w/the cancer and I am young myself and saw and learned so much.....it hurts. I dont get it. I want to be healthy for me. She never abused me, but she is manipulative w/her words and does not talk @ feelings. She avoids and compartmentalizes....

[ComputerGuy]

OK so my question is this: What has changed with her/you/both of you that makes you think this wont be a problem this time around. It sounds like you have been through a lot, but it also sounds like she may considerr you just a friend and going in hoping for more will just set you up for another heartbreak.

[Lion-Guy]

I find it very difficult to understand how people want to re-wind a relationship. Go from lovers back to friends all of a sudden. I have never dumped anyone in my life and have only dated a few girls so I know I lack the experience. But the only reason I can see why they would do this, is to put you on backup. Incase what they are after doesn't work out; they have you waiting on the sidelines. In other words they must be holding onto some kind of chance that things might work out between you.

[Mstyiyd]

Well, I have a hard time understanding people who do that as well. In my case, it is very confusing because my ex is like me in that we are not friends with our exes. Granted, we have both had psycho exes, but we always seemed to agree on that point; why be friends now if you couldn't be friends during the relationship? That is what I dont get about her. What I have come to terms with is that since we never were "officially" together, esp in her mind, we never "broke up" so why shouldn't we just pick up where we left off. Sorry, but where I come from you don't sleep with your friends. You just don't! I can't say she ever treated me like a tried and true g/f....she claims she does not want one at this point in her life and I do believe that. And I don't want to be w/someone who doesn't want to be with me. When I asked her back in the summer when this all came to a head how do you sleep w/someone for a yr but claim to have no feelings for them, and then claim you dont sleep around (which I know is true about her) but then claim you have to have feelings for someone to be intimate with them. None of it makes any sense to me. I have left it well alone, trust me. It still is very painful to think about because of how much history is there. Being a caretaker of a cancer patient is very hard. Sometimes I needed support too, but since I am counselor by profession, it often carries over into my personal life. I have to work very hard to keep things separate. However, I allowed things to go on and no one forced me to keep things going between us as long as it did. When you sleep with someone, it changes everything. Plus, alot of gay women sleep with their friends like its nothing, and can easily go back to just being friends. I am one of the few who can't. I know myself and my emotions, and I can't handle that. So now Im presented with that very issue and Im trying to deal with it. I want to hold my head up like a lady and soldier on. It's just very hard.

I dont know if long term I will remain friends with her. I dont even call her a friend right now. Its limbo stage. Trying to move on, trying to understand people and I went to school for yrs on this stuff and it still makes little to no sense, human behavior.....

[ComputerGuy]

I dont know if long term I will remain friends with her. I dont even call her a friend right now. Its limbo stage. Trying to move on, trying to understand people and I went to school for yrs on this stuff and it still makes little to no sense, human behavior.....

 

That bit right there tells me you still aren't completely over this and that going back into it now would just hurt you more. I may be wrong, but that's honestly how I see the situation. It's hard but maybe you just aren't ready to walk down either the friendship or relationship path with her.

[Lion-Guy]

To me it sounds like she is being very selfish and in some ways used you. I understand what you mean about caring for a cancer patient. A family remember of mine died of cancer and it was awful to see people go through those tough times. But the fact that you stuck it out and remained there when she was at her worst makes my heart ache for you.

 

This certainly proves to you that she has some issues to work out before you should ever attempt to reconcile things. I would cut her off and not think about it as much as you can. I can tell it is really taking a drain on you emotionally. Don't try to keep analyzing what happened and what she is thinking. It will make you go crazy. Revisit these feelings and the situation once you both have had significant time to heal and think. Good luck.

[Mstyiyd]

ComputerGuy, I know I am not over her. I'm not, there's no way. My head and heart are tangled up. I do not initiate calls from her, I try to get out and work and socialize when I can and keep busy. It is very hard. She continues to party and work and do whatever....to me, she is very conflicted and lost and is trying to piece together her life since it got turned upside from her other breakup (which I personally dont think she is over that woman, she would never take her back but i dont think she's over it yet). I think doing NC helped me alot but still have a ways to go. When she called me on my b-day we talked for 2 hrs. She said she was going to be the "bigger person" and call me even though I was "mean" and didn't call her on hers. Whatever....we were in NC. I was shocked she called me, to be honest. During the call, some of the weird stuff that she said included her asking me like 4 times if I had "badmouthed her" to my parents. *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED*?? My parents, who live about 8hrs away from me, were always very good to her. Her ex came from a white trash family, sorry, but thats what they were. They werent good to my ex or even their own daughter. Whereas my family took us on trips, sent gifts when she was sick....she never had any of that before. That's just how my family is. And Im not the type to discuss my personal stuff w/my parents, let alone badmouth her. Its like she was trying to make sure she still looked good to them....why she would care is beyond my understanding. At the end of the call, she asked when i was coming back into town (i was away that weekend) and did i want to get dinner later that wk. I said ok, I'd call her when i returned, and then i politely thanked her for the call, i appreciated it. Her response: Now.....don't read into this.".........i am rolling my eyes as i type this.....f&^&$% up! I was NOT reading into anything, just thanked her for the b-day call like I had thanked a bunch of other people who had called me prior to her call? She is insane I think.....or has an ego the size of the continental U.S............

[ComputerGuy]

I really think you need to keep the distance there for now, at minimum keep it limited and not real personal. I can tell by the way your tone of posts is changing you are going to end up a horrible mess if you take this anywhere currently. My advice: Don't do it.

[Mstyiyd]

Hi Lion,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You made me cry just now....I feel like a geek! Oh well....you are right, many friends of mine, have told me the same thing. I know it, I guess.....it just hurts. She was one of my closest, closest friends in the world with a huge amount of memories and trust between us. It used to be equal and not one sided. I dont want to lose the kindness I have for others. I am so tired of being hurt and dont get why the b&$^#s in this world seem to get ahead instead of me. Sigh....I am venting here, not trying to be so negative. I am sitting home on a Saturday night when I should be socializing. Life goes on....i rack my brain trying to understand WHY she used me, trust me I feel used. Convenient. But WHY use me when she KNEW me? Her other "friends" were no where near as reliable as I was. I dont regret being kind because god forbid i ever got sick I would hope someone would be there for me too....i like to think of life as a balancing act and i try to treat everyone as I wish to be treated. Im pretty much a what you see is what you get type person...no hidden agenda here. That is what hurts. And I wonder if she realizes what she lost in me. That is what makes food not go down and makes me toss and turn at nite. I appreciate all your advice and comments.....thank you so much.....

[Mstyiyd]

ComputerGuy.....you called me on it! Exactly.....my posts are probably getting more emotionally charged each time. Im typing furiously! Ahhhh.....being a counselor and then having this to deal with and figure out when I come home is VERY challenging. I have been seeing a counselor 2x per month since January for my own reasons....i just believe that in order for me to be the most effective with my work I need to continue working on "me".....which is the healthiest route to go. And my counselor is all aware of this situation. Just for the record!

 

I think I am doing ok.....but there's more work to be done. Sometimes I wish I could meet someone new. I live in a relatively small town compared to where I grew up (big city) so its kind of like everyone knows everyone...there is a time for everything. I just hope I get a chance to meet someone who I can be equal with and who appreciates me as I do them.

[patience]

I think that before even considering getting involved with her again, or even reconnecting as friends, you would need to sit down with her and really talk about everything that happened...it doesn't seem that she is admitting to her role in things, or taking responsibility for her choices

 

from what you have said about her, I don't think she is a good choice for you

[Mstyiyd]

Thanks Patience, you are right on the money here. We have not talked about what happened since the summer when we had it out. We typically did not "fight" or argue w/each other like a lot of people; rather, I think we both lacked efficient communication skills for a variety of reasons. Because I've experienced alot of rejection in past situations, I tend to clam up when Im feeling any emotion other than happiness. And with her I didnt want to push the envelope, so to speak, because I knew she had gotten out of a LTR and I didnt want to seem like I was trying to move in on her territory or purposely become a rebound. But slowly it became all about her and her feelings and I was pushed to the side. It sucks...we used to be such close friends and it hurts. I guess people go in and out of your life. I know everything happens for a reason but I can't find solace in that right now. I dont want someone who doesnt want me. I have yet to find a person who has something to offer me and wants what I have to offer them. But then, people like my ex become dumpers and then B$^%& and moan about how all they want is someone they can trust, to not cheat, blah blah blah and when they get it they dont see it or dont care or dont appreciate it. What gives with people that do this? Do they ever see when they cause someone pain who was good to them?

[patience]

I dont want someone who doesnt want me.

 

I am going through the same thing.

 

I was probably used by my exgf, and I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with it. I chose to give as much as I did, but there were times when I could feel that something just wasn't 'right', and I would rationalize my choices. Basically, I let her use me...something I wouldn't do again.

 

What gives with people that do this?

 

they're messed up (the simple version)

 

Do they ever see when they cause someone pain who was good to them?

 

it depends on how messed up they are

[nataliejulie]

I've said this before in previous posts. I had an ex that I was with for three years. (on and off for the last year) We ended BADLY. When I say BADLY, I mean, like, something worse than you'd see in a movie. Honestly, I never expected to talk to him again. He actually went into another relationship and hated me, talked badly about me. Six months later of NC, he called me up. He broke up with his girlfriend.. so I could see where it was headed. For two weeks, we spoke every day on the phone, saw each other two or three times. That connection was there again, we both knew it.

 

I think it's best to establish communication, a friendship. By the time he came back around, I was at the point where I was over him. Even when he spoke about his girlfriend, I didn't care, wasn't even jealous. Of course that attraction was still there... He was my first love, first man I lived with, and the greatest friend I've ever had. I didn't care if we got back together.. I would still be happy to have him as a great friend. (We did get back together, only for a short period of time)

 

Try to keep a positive outlook. Getting wrapped up in those feelings again lead to trouble. I think establishing some kind of comfortable ground, stable ground between the two of you helps out 200%.

[Mstyiyd]

Thanks NJ. It's hard because I still dont know what I want even though I have an idea of what would be best for me. The attraction is still there. Neither of us have dated anyone else. Of course that could change in an instant, and she is a partier and Im not so she is more likely to meet someone before I do, and that is going to set me back when it does.

Right now, I dont feel like she was even a good, loyal friend to me for a while towards the end and I dont know if she's even worth that chance again. But there was a point in time, a long time, where we had a deep friendship before we got involved that was genuine.....so that's where alot of the confusion comes from. I dont know if I should take her calls when they come, or not? I dont want to give the impression that I have no life but "jump" when SHE wants to have lunch, or talk. I hardly have initiated any calls since she broke NC. I've let her do it. Which I guess is good, but at the same time I dont want her running the show. Its so hard to know what to do!! CONFUSION!!!

[Mstyiyd]

Well, here is a funny update: My ex called me about 2 hrs ago and invited me to Thanksgiving dinner! How odd is that?! With her family, as I have been there for the past 2 yrs.

 

I JUST DON'T GET PEOPLE!

 

don't know whether to laugh or cry or shake my head alot...lol......