USE ABSENCE TO INCREASE DESIRE AND RESPECT-grneyedscotsman

[Atom]

It's good advice to use the absense. But for some people that were so wrapped up in the lost love, it is a hard pill to swallow. I think for people that are truly moving on with thier lives and want to leave someone in thier past, it won't matter a hitch that they are putting distance between. It may be welcomed! But if that is the case, then in the long run it will be for the better anyway to part and not look back!

[Archivist]

This therad has helped me understand my own situation very well. Thank you to everyone who has put their thoughts in here. It will help me deal with my situation better in future.

 

But I have a question regarding my own situation. My ex who broke up with me has the same friends as I do. We used to be friends before we started dating. I am trying to recover and part of that is going out to see my friends. I've been lucky not to run into her for the past month. but we were both at a friends birthday dinner lastnight, it was very akward; we only managed a very weak "Hi". I sent her an SMS afterwards which I kind of regret doing now, I said I didn't mean to be rude by not saying hi to her but I honestly didn't know she was there untul later on, and it was hard to find a time to say hi, properly. She replied saying it was ok, and she knows its still akward between us she felt the same, but she wishes we could atleast say hi without having the akwardness. If I wish to continue to heal I should try to enjoy myslef, the problem is, by doing so, I risk the chance of running into my ex more often. How should I go about my situation?

[Atom]

This being a controversial subject you will likely get a plethora of ideaological replies.

Nontheless, here is mine.

 

I would meditate and pray for the answer to your question. Be willing to live with any outcome, even potential embarrassment.

 

I've been in situations in the past where I was too eager to make amends and ended up paying the price in embarrassment.

But I have also tried to mend the fence to other relationships and found success because they felt the same melancholy as I was feeling.

 

I have found the best philosophy from my studies is to be on the same wave-length as the person you wish to communicate with. "The best audience to perform in front of are the one's that have empathy for the character" Shakespear

 

This might sound rudimentary, but it might be the right advice for you.

No one can give better advice as to what you should do than your gut. Part of life is making decisions-right or wrong as they may be. If you think you should contact her, then contact her. If you think she will not welcome the idea of rekindeling, then it would do you no good to contact her.

 

Keep us updated.

[mandrews1119]

Thank you Scotsman, and everyone for your posts!!

 

These particular posts have given me the strength to apply the "absense" and "no contact" principles in my own situation, which is a very long standing relationship. We have over 15 yrs. in and have had some serious misunderstandings over some serious issues, and I think she acted rather hastily and with overkill in our break-up (needless to say, initiated by her).I felt I had to respond to her and let my "heart" speak, but there comes a point where response from me may be doing more harm than good. I don't want her to respond out of guilt, and I know she is having a hard time now. I think she is hurt and confused because of what has happened in our relationship, but also from the way she broke things off. I feel I have done enough appealing to her in love and logical terms, and the postings here were living proof to me. If she does not have it within her to make contact after being together all these years, it isn't worth it to be emotionally paralyzed. She is having a hard time with her emotions, and sends third party messages through my family. I am not dating, but that is from choice at the moment. I have none of the issues that may be plaguing her, because we broke up over a series of misunderstandings and lies provided by a person who is trying to control and manipulate my life, but I have been 100% honest about what the truth was, and I'm happy to say that the truth has been my strength and salvation. I am also "not guilty" of the lies, innuendo, etc., that have been cast that caused the break-up. I think (and hope) that "no contact will cause and allow her to reflect and come to a better view of things and THEN we can see where we take it from there. Yes, I love her dearly and if we come through this I'm sure we will be able to be happy and stronger for the experience. But at this stage, that has to come from her. I agree that it is a very delicate theory to apply, too little or too much can be deadly. But if things are to be (I am a firm believer in the axiom that if it is meant to be, it will be.) right now some movement has to come from her. She has not been successful trying to "move on" and she blames me for this - even though she left me! She is also dealing with a parent w/cancer, so her plate is full. I think the absolute best thing for me to do is back off and give her time and space to sort things out, and perhaps miss me in the process, even though it is gut-wrenching for me. That way if things work for us, it will be because she wanted them to, not because I pushed, or shamed or guilted her into it. I have gone through just about every scenario and feeling posted on this thread, and I have concluded "no contact" is the best way to go. Thank you all very, very much, and best of luck to all.

[BONO]

I'm still in love with this thread - read it guys

 

 

 

Scuff

[pablovblack]

This is exactly my situation too and also how I feel, I would like to know your thoughts too please.

[mikeca]

haha I too feel such a different person then I was before, I would also like to hear some thoughts. Alot lately I've been thinking of initiating contact even though I know I should wait..

[BONO]

Bump

 

 

For you Belgium Girl

[Belgian girl]

But guess I was the one (maybe as well) who made it difficult

I hadn't enough at his laughing about almost everything

Usually I like that at him but we were already long time ready to get more intimate and I thought it would almost be so far and I started doubting if he loves me as deep as I do love him, b/c for me it was hard to be sure about when he tries to be funny And now with his new g/f it's just the same but it seems it means that he loves somebody so I better didn't worry about it and we'ld probably (as he says) still be fine

[cristal]

I believe in this post so much, that I just wanted to bring it back to the top. Hope that it can be of help to anyone who is thinking of breaking NC.

[BONO]

Time for a bump.

[Starblazer64]

I enjoyed reading this Article about "Using Absense to..I would just like to say that if a person truly gets tired of a relationship, thay will probably find the absense a welcoming and releaving change. However, if there was indeed a good degree of love and a bonding in the relationship, the person that did the leaving will probably have second thoughts. I've experienced both feelings from different relationships. In one (where I really did come to realize I loved her, thought too late-3 months later) it hurt like hell when I tried to convince her in the most painful and humiliating way that I made a mistake. I should have stuck it out. And sadly i still miss her ( 4 years later).

 

On the other hand, I have had some ex's that did let me go and GO I DID!! Not looking back. I disappeared so I don't know if she ever tried to locate me. So if you know where the other person's hear really was, you'll know what to do. If there was genuine love, swallow your * * * *in pride and tell them how you feel without being Overly dramatic!

[sheslostcontrol]

Thought this thread could use a little bump.

[SamT]

So does abscense not increase desire and respect after having a bit of an argument with an ex?

And also, if there are complications, i.e. another guy coming into the equation..?

[sara1]

This is a good thread which makes a lot of sense.

[sara1]

So does abscense not increase desire and respect after having a bit of an argument with an ex?

And also, if there are complications, i.e. another guy coming into the equation..?

 

In my opinion, i think absense can help increase desire and respect for both situations mentioned. The amount of time of course varies by situation.

[stickman]

Step One: Read

Step Two: See step one

[createhappiness]

bumping to the top

[cristal]

This is one of my favorite threads.

 

I especially like the part that states "that love does not die of starvation, but from indigestion".

 

I try to apply the lessons of this thread to my daily life.

 

Great thread!

[franfran]

Great thread, but I feel like it's giving me false hope. I know I have to let go and all that, but reading this really makes me feel that if I disappear from his life for awhile (it's been 3 weeks already of strict NC) then he'll miss me so much he'll come back. Absense makes the heart grow fonder? If only it did.

[digitaldiva]

Great Thread...

[Mhaira]

Great thread, but I feel like it's giving me false hope. I know I have to let go and all that, but reading this really makes me feel that if I disappear from his life for awhile (it's been 3 weeks already of strict NC) then he'll miss me so much he'll come back. Absense makes the heart grow fonder? If only it did.

 

I get the same feeling from this kind of advice, and it's a constant struggle of NC. I know that I need to be doing it for me, and as a way to heal and move on, but still there is that little part of me that hopes maybe it might help towards getting back together.

[dqueen]

Thank you for this. I needed to read this today.

[Honey610]

That was an eloquently thought out post. It had such a calm yet strong message. Good job!

[Tangz]

bump!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!