USE ABSENCE TO INCREASE DESIRE AND RESPECT-grneyedscotsman

[grneyedscotsman]

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you talked about, even admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.---Robert Greene[/i]

 

[/b]Everything in the world depends on absense and presense. A strong presense will draw power and attention to you-you shine more brightly than those around you. Bot a point is inevitably reached where too much presense creates the opposite effect: The more you are seen and heard from, the more your value degrades. You become a habit. No matter how hard you try to be different,** subtly, without knowing why, people respect you less and less. A the right moment you must learn to withdraw yourself before they unconsciously push you away. It is a game of hide-and-seek.

 

**The truth of this law can most easily be appreciated in matters of love and seduction. In the beginning stages of an affair, the lover's absense stimulates your imagination, forming a sort of aura around him or her. But this aura fades when you know too much--when your imagination no longer has room to roam-(as I mentioned before re; keeping the mystery alive and well). Soon, the loved one becomes an ordinary person like anyone else, a person whose presense is taken for granted. "Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion"-Seventeenth century French courtesan, Ninon de Lenclos.

 

The moment you allow yourself to be treated like anyone else, it is too late--you are swallowed and digested. To prevent this you need to starve the other person of your presense. Force their respect by threatening them with the possibilty that they will lose you for good; create a pattern of presense and absense.

 

By withdrawing something from the market, you create instant value. In seventeenth-century Holland, the upper classes wanted to make the tulip more than just a beautiful flower--they wanted it to be a kind of status symbol. Making the flower scarce, indeed almost impossible to obtain, they sparked what was later called tulipmania. A single flower was now worth MORE than its weight in gold.

 

The Sun. It can only be appreciated by its absense. The longer the days of rain, the more the sun is craved. But too many hot days and the sun overwhelms. *Learn to keep yourself obscure and make people demand your return.

 

***REMEMBER THIS***

 

This rule only applies once a certain level of appreciaiton has been attained. The need to withdraw only comes AFTER you have established your presense; leave TOO early and you do not increase your respect, you are simply forgotten.

 

In love and seduction, similarly, absense is only effective once you have surrounded the other with your image, been seen by him or her everywhere. Everything must remind your lover of your presense, so that when you do choose to be away for awhile, the lover will be thinking of you, always be seeing you in his or her minds eye.

 

*****REMEMBER: In the beginning, make yourself not scarce but omnipresent. Only what is seen, appreciated, and loved will be missed in its absense.

 

Godspeed/Keep Cool! 8)

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

We've spoken before Godspeed.

 

Does this theory apply after she leaves you, because of your overbearing nature? When she needs that space, distance and scarcity from you, and she doesn't have it at first and she is overflooded with your presense to the point of utter annoyance and frustration, will this theory still take effect once that attention towards her is cut cold turkey. I'm assuming at first, there will be that sense of relief, but eventually, she will inevitably be reminded of you because of the absense factor. This will only hold true if there was love involved and as was put, a sense of admiration at one point. I believe it will be more of a case of curiosity and not knowing where, what and with whom you currently are. Take into account, respect was not earned initially on the onset of the breakup, because of the lack of space which was requested, or I dare say demanded, but was not carried out. At what point does this theory take its effect after the space has been put into practice, or does it take effect at all?

 

Eye of the tiger #1

[arkada123]

Best posting I read. Postive. It is true but the person you are letting miss u must have already a liking from you. It works in a break-up to help them realize they made a big mistake and appreciate what they lost. A balanced approach is needed. My 2 cents.

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Mr. Godspeed, I was wonering if I could get your feedback on my response to your post. When used in a realtionship, this a very effective method to implicate to get some desired results, but what about after the person leaves you, because you gave them no space and they got tired of that, or of you and then you don´t give them that space even after the break·up, after they have specifically requested it. This tells them that you obviously don´t respect them or their wishes, but once you do really do step back and respect that space and make no contact whatsoever, what will be happening in the mind of your ex·partner. Will they miss you stop chasing and at what point will they feel the need to reestablish contact to see how you are doing. It is all about curiosity and the not knowing aspect that will drive anybody after a given period of time to pick up the phone and get in touch with the person they convinced themselves that they would never call again. We have all been guilty of this. We always at one point in time have called an ex. We think back to the good times, because those bad memories which held us back from calling seem to diminish with time and some love never dies, even though some people convince themselves otherwise, because it is easier for them to walk away from the relationship that way, but with time, that feeling will come back and the value of that person will be redeemed with their absense.

That is my 2 cents.

Please feel free to respond if you dare

Eye Of Tiger

[grneyedscotsman]

Happy Birthday Dan-(A.K.A. eyeofthetiger). Call up some buddies and/or some close relatives and get together for some fun. Live it up and celebrate! But what ever you do, don't expect a phone call from your ex. Not a birthday card, or even a Birthday e-mail because most likely you won't get any of this.

 

Now is the time to focus your energies on yourself. You are at a new milestone in your life. How do you plan to step forward self-improved, re-focused, and wiser? This does not imply that you are not worthy of a relationship, simply-you need to avoid unessessary pain, and frustration and all road blocks to happiness and success. To do this you need to divert your attention from your ex , to yourself and start internal work for true happiness to become accessible to you.

 

Reality -vs- Fantasy

 

The Reality: Change is SLOW and GRADUAL. It requires hardwork, a bit of luck, a fair amount of self sacrifice, and ALOT of PATIENCE.

 

The Fantasy: A sudden transformation will bring a total change in one's fortunes, bypassing work, luck, self-sacrifice, and time in one fantastic stroke.

--

 

The Reality of Death: The dead cannot be brought back, the past cannot be changed.

 

The Fantasy of Death: A sudden reversal of this intolerable fact.

 

==

 

Know the difference between Reality and Fact. She left you. You did not leave her or there would be new rules to getting her back. You cannot let your anger or emotions rule you. Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. You can't have the fruits without the roots. It's the principle of sequencing: Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-Mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.

 

I mentioned in a previous posting that you must first like yourself before you can like others. But you must also know yourself. If you don't control yourself, if you don't have mastery over yourself, it's very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up superficicial way.

 

*Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from TRUE INDEPENDENCE. Unless you are willing to achieve real independence, it's very foolish to try to develop any relationship skills. Some try. Some might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come-and they will-they won't have the foundation to keep things together. That foundation takes time to build and is constantly growing stronger---with time, and wisdom.

 

Dan, the place to begin building any relationship--starts inside yourself, inside your Circle of Influence, your own character.

 

Wanting a given-amount of time that you can expect a phone call from your ex does not show any leaning toward growth, but towards dependency. I understand it to be a difficult time for you with your birthday approaching. But realize you are a new man reborn with new wisdom that no one can steal from you. You will go into your next relationship wiser, and more confident because you will know that you are the center of your universe, and happy to be who you are.

 

Happy Birthday Dan!

 

Grneyedscotsman

 

Godspeed/Take Care/Keep Cool 8)

[Lone Star1607306437]

So basically I can just F.O. and gain a world of respect-(summing it all up)?

 

You say don't call, e-mail, or any of that... Can I scratch my name on the hood of her car??? Can I lite a bag of dog poop and leave it on her porch?? Hey wait a minute here....Am I going through the angry stage of this break-up??

 

This is good for me right???

[cuteshortnsassy191607306438]

Now is the time to focus your energies on yourself. You are at a new milestone in your life. How do you plan to step forward self-improved, re-focused, and wiser? This does not imply that you are not worthy of a relationship, simply-you need to avoid unessessary pain, and frustration and all road blocks to happiness and success. To do this you need to divert your attention from your ex , to yourself and start internal work for true happiness to become accessible to you.

 

Reality -vs- Fantasy

 

The Reality: Change is SLOW and GRADUAL. It requires hardwork, a bit of luck, a fair amount of self sacrifice, and ALOT of PATIENCE.

 

The Fantasy: A sudden transformation will bring a total change in one's fortunes, bypassing work, luck, self-sacrifice, and time in one fantastic stroke.

--

 

The Reality of Death: The dead cannot be brought back, the past cannot be changed.

 

The Fantasy of Death: A sudden reversal of this intolerable fact.

 

==

 

Know the difference between Reality and Fact. She left you. You did not leave her or there would be new rules to getting her back. You cannot let your anger or emotions rule you. Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. You can't have the fruits without the roots. It's the principle of sequencing: Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-Mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.

 

I mentioned in a previous posting that you must first like yourself before you can like others. But you must also know yourself. If you don't control yourself, if you don't have mastery over yourself, it's very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up superficicial way.

 

*Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from TRUE INDEPENDENCE. Unless you are willing to achieve real independence, it's very foolish to try to develop any relationship skills. Some try. Some might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come-and they will-they won't have the foundation to keep things together. That foundation takes time to build and is constantly growing stronger---with time, and wisdom.

 

, the place to begin building any relationship--starts inside yourself, inside your Circle of Influence, your own character.

 

Wanting a given-amount of time that you can expect a phone call from your ex does not show any leaning toward growth, but towards dependency. But realize you are reborn with new wisdom that no one can steal from you. You will go into your next relationship wiser, and more confident because you will know that you are the center of your universe, and happy to be who you are.

 

[/b]

 

very very powerful mr.grneyedscotsman.

 

i'd really like it if u could write an article on self-esteem, or self respect, and how 2 attain it if u don' yet hav it.

 

i'll send ya a privy in case u do not re-read your posts.

 

cuteshortnsassy19

[mushhush1607306438]

This is good food for thought Mr. Scotsman.

 

"In the beginning stages of an affair, the lover's absense stimulates your imagination.." As though we put them on a pedistal.

 

Then we reach a point in the relationship that this person is so present in our life that they become less stimulating in our minds eye.

 

I like the quote you added, "Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion"_by Seventeenth Century French courtesan, Ninon de Lenclos. I don't know my world history, so I'll take your word for it. Regardless, it's true.

 

It would be nice if I knew my ex was wallowing in regret. I guess we all want to be missed by our ex's. I'm learning to move on without her, though it can be miserably difficult at times.

 

I guess I shouldn't be so juvenile to worry about her missing me, but I have to be perfectly honest, I do. I do see how it is slowing my growth towards independence though.

 

Take Care,

 

Joe

[sisterlynch]

Love does die of starvation. That is the only way that you can get over people and things that capture your attention! It takes three weeks to start a new habit or extinguish an old one!

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Hi,

 

I've been on this forum for about a month now and I've read just about every post on here and have done my fair share of contributing my own personal experiences and view points.

 

Essentially, I am responding to your last post, and more specifically to a statement who had mad. You had said that love dies for starvation. That's an intruiging thought, but what I would like to know where the phrase "absense makes the heart grow fonder" comes into effect in your opinion. I've also heard "out of sight, out of mind". Which of the two are usually more prominent. I'm assuming it is al relative on the circumstances, in relation to who left who. It's almost always inevitable that the one who experinces the loss, is almost certainly the one who does the chasing and the majority of the missing. The other individual has claimed complete and utter control, because they had the courage to walk away and that in itself lays the groundwork for an earlier acceptance of the situation. Regret will come into play if the partner does not chase. A sense of wonder and curiosity will arise and it may provoke an attempt at contact.

 

I have not yet received this pro-active contact from my ex. It's been eight weeks and for the first 5 weeks I had not stopped trying to win her back, but not realising that I was pushing her further away by not respectiing her wishes for space and for me having pride and being strong, secure and independent of her. It's been 3 weeks now and only now do I feel prouder than ever before. I have begun taking the right path for true self-improvement and growth. She would not recocgize the Dan of today. I'm liking myself more and more and I realize now, that I am someone special and am a great catch and that she is truly missing out on someone good.

 

As to how I can demonstrate this to her, I have no idea. She is out of my life right now and she has cut out all contact, because of my persistent nature, but she will be going away over Christmas/New Year and maybe even for good. I would dearly like to see her one more time before she leaves, but in doing that, do I regress back to the former Dan and loose my self-respect by initiating contact, or do I follow my heart just one more time and know that I have truly changed for good and for me this time around?

 

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Dan

[grneyedscotsman]

Hello again.

 

Ultimately, time will pass and time supposedly heals all wounds. (We might agree that it would be nice if time also wounded all heels...)

 

But getting over something because we either start forgetting about it or get involved in something else....this may be the normal process of letting go...but it is not the healthiest way to go. It is rather passive and, in fact, I have seen many many cases where the emotional baggage is still there, affecting the next relationship.

 

The real opportunity for you at this point in time Dan,...is that it is truly an important opportunity for you to continue to personally grow from this experience...grow in ways that assure you that you never have to go through it again.

 

About letting go. Letting go is a bit of a paradox. Because you have to think about what it is you are letting go of. Which is her. Hence you are not letting go because you are thinking about her. So let go of the whole idea of letting go.

 

There are three areas of personal growth that will best serve you at this time. (1)Emotional (2) The Lessons Learned (3) Cleaning Up Your Own

Patterns.

 

(1) Emotional This is a time of pain, anger and anguish. These are emotional states that we go through within the first few months of a break-up. They can be particularly intense. How we respond to these emotions can make a huge difference in self-healing, self-nurturing and self-loving. To put this simply, there are two directions you can go in how you deal with these emotions. One direction is to focus on this other person (her) and how she is involved with you feeling these unwanted feelings. The other direction is to learn to better care for your own feelings and bring them to a state of inner healing. Your post suggest there is a lot of energy right now, understandably, in focusing on her. I am suggesting that a major healing opportunity is upon you, to change that focus and learn to do some inner healing. This learning will not only make you a stronger person, but it will better equip you in a future relationship (not that you want to think about that now) and make you less susceptible to emotional manipulation in the future by some other party.

 

(2) The Lessons Learned. Unfortunately, all too often we can tend to learn the wrong lessons from a painful breakup. We learn not to trust anyone, based on the pain that just one particular individual (who left a bad taste in our mouth) bestows upon us. We learn to protect ourselves the next time around in ways that further mess up relationships and hold us back from the love and joy we truly want. We learn to close the doors to everyone, based on this one person we had a bad result with. I think you see where I'm going here. All these lessons are not only erroneous, but they will only hurt us and keep us suffering in the future. The important lessons to learn about the nature of having a healthy successful relationship --is to not repeat the mistakes just made.

 

(3) Cleaning Up Your Own Patterns. This is also a great opportunity to see more clearly what your own part of the dance of this particular relationship was. Healthy relationship is partly a matter of each partner taking full responsibility for how things are and where they are going.

 

 

I realize you feel the desire, or better-the NEED to prove to her that you are a changed man. You may one day get the chance, but until that day, don't lose site of yourself or what you want out of life.

 

 

Take Care/Godspeed

 

grneyedscotsman 8)

 

[Holly19721607306437]

Hi Everyone.

 

Re; Love

 

Although I realize it was a quote being used to get a point accross, Love can, and DOES die of starvation. But it also can, and Does die of indegestion.

 

There should be a harmonious ballance when giving and receiving love in a relationship. If you love your S.O. more than they love you, your relationship may be heading for trouble. If your S.O. loves you more than you love them, again,-your relationship may be heading for trouble. If there is equal amounts given and taken, the relationship probably has better odds of survivng (of course, the greater the better). This is known as the "Polar Dance".

 

Okay, that's my input for the day.

 

Bye

 

Holly1972

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Hi Holly,

 

Thanks for your input of the day. I was just reminded that I had sent you a message a little while ago. It was actually a reply to one of your replies. I was wondering if you ever received it. You gave me some great advice and I wanted to follow up on your reply. It was concerning the closure I felt I needed and as to how and when I should go about accomplishing this difficult task.

 

If you no longer have my message, I'll be more than glad to send it to you again.

 

Thanks Holly1972,

 

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Dan

[Holly19721607306437]

Hi Dan(TigerMan).

 

First of all, try not to dwell on psychology too much. There are common rules you need to remember like not being too needy, but overall, be yourself.

 

I would steer way clear of calling her at work..PERIOD. Call her on her cel if she has one, or call her house. Remember to ask if your catching her at a good time. If not, ask when would be a better time.

 

Do NOT ask her if she's seeing anyone. That is a big turn-off to us women.

 

Just tell her some of the positive changes about you without it looking like you're bragging. Make the comments appear casual.

 

If she say's "Dan, I don't want to see you and I don't want to talk with you," tell her "Unfortunatley I'll have to accept that". Then excuse yourself. Don't hold the conversation another minute. Besides, if you do--she'll know you're needing her -Hence- "needy".

 

Well that's my 2 cent advice. Hope it's worth every penny!!

Keep in touch Dan. Let me know how it goes.

 

Holly1972

[WILTED ROSE]

It sounds like you need to put her in your past to me. Focus on you, not her. She does'nt seem too interested in you right now, so let her go. Start dating again. Find something to distract you. Get your life back.

[LearningL8]

EYEOFTHETIGER#1

Thought u were done with her! I think your best bet would be 2 keep her n the past and 4get about getting her back. Start dating agn man! It helps----TRUST ME!!

 

LearningL8

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Hi again,

 

So, I've been on this forum for a month and a half. All I can say, is that it gets so much easier. It really does. I am so much calmer these days. I have a new found confidence in myself. What do I attribute it to? Firstly, time is what was an essential remedy for my hurt and anguish. I was a very depressed man 2+ months ago. I followed up on her for 5 weeks, but am proud to say, that it has now been officially almost 5 weeks since I've made any attempt at contacting her and nor do I feel the urgency, or need to go about doing it.

 

I've begun dating again and it feels damn good to have women interested in me again. They tell me that I am a special man and am so sure of myself and so confident. If they only knew how I was a month and a half to 2 months ago. Wow! I've come a long way and I hope this is reassurance for all of you that feel there is no hope without your ex. This is the truth of the matter, you never really forget about them. You start by distracting yourself at all costs and then you begin to realize that you're worth it and the guilt tends to dissipate and you eventually end up moving on and start dating again and then you begin to smile and laugh again and you are once agin in control of you life at this point in time.

 

This is where I currently find myself. I happier, healthier and calmer. I have a better perspective on life and realize what I will tolerate and what I will not. Both from others and from myself. I still think of her sometimes, but in regards to making contact, that won't be happening for a while. I don't think I want to right now. I'm having too much fuun dating right now. eventually, our paths may cross again, but she'll be faced with a Dan that will blow her away and I'm proud of everything I've accomplished. It wasn't easy, but nothing in life that is worthwhile, is easy.

 

I hope that I have been of some support for all you who are just beginning in the recovery stages. I was there my friends and it was hell. I didn'r leave this appt. for weeks and I enjoyed the dark and avoided people and now I have a new found appreciation for life and it's getting better each and every day and I thank myself for this and in a way, I thank her for waking me. Things in life happen for a reason and we can't always question theb motives of others. We can only control our own actions. Just focus in on self-improvement my friends. You'll never fail if you do this.

 

Peace and love (and no, I am not a hippie)

 

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Dan

[Holly19721607306437]

Way to go eyeofthetiger! I'm really glad life is easing up on you! I'm very happy for you. Your post gives hope to many of us out here struggling with moving on. I guess to get going you have to take your foot off the brake and step on the gas. Just don't go too fast or you'll get yourself into trouble.

 

Holly1972

[Lone Star1607306437]

Way to go Tiger! I knew you had it in you to forget about someone that is not willing to be part of your future. I'm happy for you dude! It took me awhile to get over my anger towards my ex. I didn't get too sad. I got pissed because I started thinking about all the time I wasted on her and the money I could have used on other things like buying another horse or a new pick-em'-up-truck. I started adding things up , which may sound shallow-- but hell, I wanted to know what happened to my investment.

Finally I wrote her off.

 

She called me a few week-ends ago telling me she called "just because she was thinking about me." I said, "Really? How sweet! I've pretty put us out of my mind and I strongly suggest you do the same!" Then she said "Fine!" and hung up. Then 2 days later she called me at 1:30 am but did'nt say anything when I answered. She hung up the second time I said "Hello." I looked at my caller I.D. and it was her. I didn't bother calling her back because I knew that's exactly what she wanted me to do--come to her. She hasn't called me since and I'm glad because she's only wanting me because I'm moving on and dating again. The girl I'm with now is really sweet and prettier anyway!

 

Take Care Tiger. See ya around Dude!

 

Lone Star *

[unlucky]

I agree with you scotsman.

 

However i think you need to be very careful when using this technique.

If she realises its a conscious effort on your part i think you'll lose all her respect.

 

If she thinks you're undecided about your feelings for her then its pure gold.

[bleeder]

This is a very good topic Scotsman!

 

What you have mentioned is similar to the "push-pull" effect I deploy in relationships. Too much attention can be overkill, too little of it is deemed as nonchalance. So, normally what I'd do is to 'disappear' for some time, before making an appearance. This way, friends (not restricted to lovers here) will start noticing the lack of presense from me.

 

It also gets people thinking about me when I am not around. If they don't, it's appropriate for me not to 'appear' again.

 

Nice article dude!

[blumenau]

Thank you.

The article was just that. Perfect. For me..right words at the right time.

Not to dwell on my story too much. It is posted as a last letter in the "Inlove with a married man" topic. I want to believe that mine present stopry does not exactly fit that cliche but in someway it does.

So I am greatful to the kindness of a stranger, some way a confirmation that I have done the right thing.

Reading the replies on this great article, I want to add one of mine old stories..and maybe it will help all of you trying to forget or get back with the person that is not with you now. I will tell the story, the conlusion is ours to make.

Met a guy. For him, love on the first sight, for me not. But at the end, after months, he won my heart. He stood trough my good times and my bad times. He love me dressed as femme fatal, and at 10PM in sweats overworked and tired after a long day in front of TV, happy that I just wanted to see him. He helped me get over a hard breakup although I pushed him away so many times. So he won my heart. I felt for him. Became available. Moved in together. And than every day life started. He could see me every day, jugdge my every move. I became a reality. And too much of it. Loved me still but the spark was gone for him. And I just was not ready to settle for something like that. So it was over.

I still remember when he said that he loved me but not like he loved once before. I asked. Why was that relationship special? He said: There was no relationship. We were friends. I never even kissed her. But I knew that I will marry her tomorrow if she just wanted me too. Wanted kids with her just because it will be part of her. That much more love.

But she never wanted me. Not in that way.

So you can say, that he just weird..but no. He was a good, great guy, smart successful, funny, rational..maybe he just wanted unrechable..but doesn't that prove the point?

[Crushed]

Scotsman,

 

Thankyou, That is some fantastic advice. Just curious have you read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? It seems that some of your philosophies mirror some of what I read in that book.

[ivylay]

you have no idea how all your posted msgs have given me hope. when i feel so depressed, i just read all the msgs here. i'm beginning to understand the power of giving and respecting my partner's space. it's a simple concept, really, but it's very hard to put into practice. i'm done with crazy love and i want my partner to feel that im capable of sane love.

 

are there any more practical advice regarding giving space? any advice will be welcome. =)

 

thank you!

[kusela]

Hi,

 

I have decided not to call or e-mail my boyfriend (he lives on the other side of the world) who has been taking me for granted for several months now. Let's see if ABsense really works to regain respect.... two weeks ago, he admitted that he really took me for granted and that it's wrong. He said that I'm the sweetest and most understanding person that he has ever met. I believed him. Last Saturday and Monday, I could see that he was online but he did not reply to any of my messages. I have a feeling that he is communicating with another girl. I can really sense the changes no matter how many times he denies it. He keeps saying that he's not sure what will happen in the future but he does not want to let go of me. It's unfair but I love him.

 

I'm so confused but I'll just wait and see. Your message is very enlightening! Thank you!