Feeling guilty 4 leaving a once abusive relationship....

[itry]

i am leaving him for events that occurred last year...it took me a year to i guess realize that i should have left him then. plus also...within this past year..although he has calmed down alot..his insecurities are still there...i just suspect him to be a sleeping volcano....

 

last year he cheated on me with his sons mother.. it was an on going thing for several months. i guess she suspected that he was still seeing me and confronted me....God i was blown away...i had no clue. i was devestated...but i took him back. even after i realized he was scheming profusley about how to juggle the two of us....

 

plus...the early years of the relationship..he has thrown me accross the room...spit on me..broke my things out of jealousy and was damn near close to punching me in the face. like i said..although he is calm now and the past year has been happy for the both of us....i guess i just woke up.

 

we went ring shopping and i just sat there..with all the flashbacks in my head...of how the spit felt on my face...of the hole in my wall...my broken cell phone that he threw against the wall...the memory of the aching in my back when he threw me accross the room and i landed on top of my table..and broke it...the way his hands felt on my neck when he tried to choke me...the degrading words....as the lady was sizing me for the beautiful princess cut diamond engagement ring..and he sat next to me rubbing my back and smiling....i just sat there....with a forced smile...thinking of all of those things....

 

he HAS calmed down..and regrets it all....cries about..and says he hates himself for it. and like i said..although it has been peachy keen....i just woke up....

 

how can i stay with him after all that? why would i want to marry someone who did that to me? what if my daughter found out (my daughter isnt his...) and then used that as an excuse to stay with someone who may be no good for her? u know.."mommy..u did it and u stayed with him"...i dont think i could forgive myself.

 

i had a flash back of all of that....granted it was a little over a year ago....and maybe i stayed with him because i was still in shock...maybe i thought that i could get over it all. maybe i was feeling so low that i believed that this was it. that theres nothing out there for me..whatever it was...i dont know.

 

we were looking at houses...planning vacations with each others children....attending his family functions together (my family despises him..and i think my mother spends every sunday at church praying for me to leave..) and just one day..i told him i couldnt do it.

 

i couldnt bear to think of how i would feel if i were to see his sons mother even once during his every other weekend visitiatipn knowing they were having unprotected sex together before...then he would sleep with me. i couldnt even look at his son in the face knowing that he knew about it... i couldnt forget the bruises he put on me..i cant erase the hospital record or the police record.

 

i cant and wont risk it happening again.

 

im miserable..i feel guilty and selfish...i will be alone for the holidays... i wil be alone for my birthday...i feel guilty when he cries to me...i feel guilty blocking his calls and not answering emails or texts. i feel guilty for leaving him like this...is that being weak? am i weak for feeling guilty for him? hell...once in a while..i will think to myself...."maybe this will work? i know he DOES love me...i know he does...? i have to force myself to run down the list of things.....then i cry.

[alona125]

Itry:

 

Wow. your story is almost a mirror image of my past situation. I know exactly what you are going for, but i have to tell you that I am so very proud of you for what you have done.

 

Its not easy at all! When you have been abused, its soo much harder to leave, and some people never do. My ex did the same thing to me...choked me once, broke my cell phone in a jealous rage, and called me every degrading and derogatory name in the book.

 

It was absolutley hell, but I loved him so much, and I wouldn't leave him for the longest time.

 

Finally, it hit me at the oddest time that I needed to get out. That time was when he was treating me like a princess, apologizing, and trying everything to make it right to me. I had also met someone who treated me so very nice, and I knew then that there were men who would treat me like a queen all the time, and never dream of abusing me even once.

 

You did the right thing, please believe that, because unless your ex has gone through some serious therapy, its only a matter of time that he will begin abusing you again. They DO NOT CHANGE. If you have a child, that it reason enough to end it. I can imagine that if you got married, he would feel he now has complete control over you, and who knows what he would do to you.

 

Just remember that there are thousands of nice men out there, and soon your head will be clear, and you won't mind the fact that you will be alone.

 

Hang in there and be strong ok

[chaos]

While I don't believe people can't change, I know they can, you are totally right for leaving this guy. Even if he was never abusive again he can't erase the things that he's done to you. NO ONE should ever be treated like that, EVER! What he did was inexcusable and you have NO REASON to feel guilty. You did the right thing, for you and your daughter. There is someone out there who will treat you right.

 

However, my ex had boyfriends before me that were abusive and I think it really messed up her head. I tried to show her that there can be good relationships, I never abused her in any way, never called her names. The worst I did was ask her to quit smoking and teased her about her guy friends a little too often, seek reassurance. She even told me that she was waiting for me to go crazy, because all the other ones did at about the year and a half mark, if not sooner. The 1.5 years came and went... low and behold, nothing changed. But I don't think she ever stopped waiting for it and perhaps she used that as another excuse to get out. Anyways, my whole point to this, is perhaps you should talk to someone, if you're not already. This type of abuse can scar a person and I'd hate to see you destroy a good relationship, the way my ex did, because you might be scared it could happen again.

 

You are doing the right thing, never forget that.

[eimono]

itry,

 

My ex was abusive too. I left her just last week and know what you mean about feeling guilty. I all too often find myself thinking of the good things and times we had together. Then I start to think maybe she would change? Maybe she would see how the things she did hurt me... And maybe, we will be okay if I just "hold on for one more day." But the truth is, they don't change unless something makes them *want* to change.

 

 

For me, the last day I looked at her face as she was saying hurtful things to me and I saw what I was making excuses for in the past. Someone who took their anger and problems out on me because I was an outlet for them. I looked back a the last few weeks and realized that I wasn't really happy. And that I had been working to keep the relationship all by myself.

 

 

I looked at her and didn't know when she might blow up (she had that day already a little) and could not spend another day like that. So I broke it off.

 

 

It was so hard to do that, but I know it was the best thing for me... and maybe her. As wrong as it may be, I want to think this will make her change. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But we deserve better then to be treated like this. I just cling to the hope that someday we will find that person and who will love us like we deserve.

 

 

You did the right thing, just remember to not forget those bad times and how you wouldn't let a total stranger treat you like that. So you sure don't want to be with someone whom you love that would either.