Ex's family invited me for dinner and movie. Dont know what to do...

[bsp_kjm]

If u want some backstory on my situation, please read here

 

After over a week of NC with the ex, I got an email from the ex's sister telling me that her mother would like me to go over to their house for dinner and a movie on Wednesday. Itd just be me, the 2 sisters, and her mom (no ex, shes at college several hours away). Wednesday is the only day I dont have school or work (and they know this) and I live about 45 mins away from their home. Ive had dinner with them minus the ex before when we were still together, but that was just because I practically lived there due to my mass amount of commuting between school, work, and home. I even had my own room at their house.

 

I've always been very kool with the ex's family. There were times where communication was a problem with her mother (she speaks Spanish and very lil English, I do not speak or understand Spanish at all except for some key phrases or words) but that never kept me from becoming close with her. I even called her mom. Her sisters are brats at times, but kool kids.

 

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I want to stay on good terms with her family. They didnt do anything to hurt me. I do not know how to take this invitation. I dont even know if the ex's mom knows about the whole break situation and is just asking me to come have dinner because it was the norm, or if she does know something and she is asking me over to dinner as a sort of "final goodbye." Maybe I am looking too much into this.

 

I want to take the invitation to stay kool with the fam, but I think that being at their house and being around them may just hurt me more. I do not exactly know. I also want to accept the invitation because if I do end up moving the 6 hours away with my friends next month, I may not see them for a long time.

 

I'm totally confused. Any help is truly appreciated.

[babycristy456]

I say you go, unless you are positive that it will hurt you. It could be last conversation with the family, so why not give it a try. To make it better on yourself, you can accept one offer, and decline the other. Tell them you can make it for dinner but cannot stay for the movie because you are overwhelmed with homework (or something like that). Dinner is a little more formal for conversation, while a movie is more laid back and comfortable. I would keep away from have that comfort zone of "hanging out" again with their family. they need to keep in mind that you and their daughter are not together anymore.

[ratherbesailing]

First, I'm sorry about the way you've been hurt. I doubt she's told her family anything and that could make things pretty weird and uncomfortable if you go. You may have that "I'm not going to see you again" sadness and they may have no idea. Unless you have some way to check first to see what they know, I'd put it off and catch up with them sometime in the future after the dust settles with your ex.

 

If you find out that they do know, then go if you really want to but be careful not to say anything bad about your ex, even if they start to. The sisters will repeat everything you say to your ex even if they think you are great. Please trust me, they will.

[smallworld]

*Hugs* Bsp_kjm. Based on your previous post, it sounds like your Ex is a very private person who most likely hasn't told her family that you've broken up or that she's now in love with a woman.

 

I don't think you're reading too much into this invitation. The breakup and the turmoil of emotions you're going through is still very raw. If you don't think you can handle socializing with the family, call or write them a nice note explaining how much the time you've shared with them has meant to you, but that you're no longer dating their daughter. If you'd like to go, go. If you'd like to continue being friends at some later point, say so. There is no right or wrong here. What does your heart tell you?

[bsp_kjm]

There is no right or wrong here. What does your heart tell you?

my heart wants me to be with her and only her. for some reason, theres a lil part of me that thinks that just maybe if I go to this dinner and hang out with her family, that my ex will hear about it and maybe she'll realize that she's messing up something really good. Yet, reality checks me and lets me know that no matter what I do, things will never be the same. I want to hang out with her family because they are cool people and have been a part of my life for the last 3 years, but I also want to hang out with them because its something of her I can hold on to. I know I'm being weak by doing this, but I just dont know really what to do anymore. I dont even know if they know we are "on a break" and I dont want to be the one to tell them. My life has changed so much... instead of moving 3 hours north to be with her, I may be moving 6 hours south to get away from her...

 

all this stressing over having dinner...

 

thank u for the replies, everyone...

[chaos]

Under the circumstances I'd say don't go. You already have unrealistic expectations and, though you're already aware of them, you'll still be hurt when they don't happen. I'd call her mom and explain as best you can that it wouldn't be appropriate given the seperation, that you love them and will miss them, but it's time to move on.

[nadine_3110]

I'm trying to put myself in your situation. And personally, I wouldn't go, it would be too awkward, but that's just my opinion. If they knew, I'd think that they'd try to give me sympathy and I know that I don't need that in my life right now. Or they'd try to explain to me why he broke up with me, and I know I wouldn't want to talk about that with them. If they didn't know, I'd have to tell them, and that would be so embarrassing. But good luck with everything, I don't know your relationship with her family, and that's really what it depends on.

[smallworld]

Bsp_kjm, If you're holding on to hope that hanging out with the family will change her mind, then I agree with everyone else that it's probably best that you don't go. When things were going "well", your Ex blamed you for getting in the way of her education and she cheated on you. Socializing with the family isn't likely to change her mind, because she's caught up in her own selfishness. (It's one thing to want to date other people. It's quite another to lie and lead you on to do it.)

 

You deserve someone who loves, trusts, and respects you without a doubt, and vice versa. Unfortunately this girl fails on all three tests.

[Zerohero]

Don't go, just a warning. You'll look back on this and see why.

[melrich]

I wouldn't go. It just makes things harder for you. Put some space first between the break up. If you still want to catch up with them in a few months when the emotions have calmed down a bit make contact then.

[Zerohero]

Man not even a few months try at least 8.

[bsp_kjm]

I'm trying so hard to convince myself not to go...

 

I found out that the ex came down from school for the weekend and went shopping with the sisters. One of her sisters told me that her mom kept asking why I wasnt at the house (I was there whenever she was down from school) and that the ex wouldn't answer.

 

im so weak

[smallworld]

Bsp_kjm, you're not weak. You're hurt. It takes courage to face the truth and to have the self-respect to walk away when what we want most is the exact opposite.

 

Weakness is lying, cheating, and knowingly hurting others out of selfishness and cowardice.

[Zerohero]

I'm warning you, I was like you in a different situation for a breif period. Trust me, you need to stop hurting yourself.

[darkblue]

I think it would be a bad idea to go. You would only be puting yourself through unnecessary torture.

 

I agree with Smallworld's suggestions of writing a note.

 

Good luck, and stay strong.

[bsp_kjm]

I'm warning you, I was like you in a different situation for a breif period. Trust me, you need to stop hurting yourself.

can u share your situation with me? id like to hear it, maybe itll help me with making up my mind. thanks

[Hawk]

I spent Sunday with my ex's brother and it was one of the hardest days of my life - all I did was reflect on all the things that we used to do together as a family. One day down the track when I am better, I hope to stay friends with him but until I get to that point it only made me feel worse.

[DaisyMN]

I posted a similar thing that just happened to me this past weekend so I understand completely where you are coming from. I was keeping my distance for the past 3 months and although I have come a long way, I definitely did not feel comfortable sharing dinner with my ex and his family. It's a whole different dynamic when you're not with that person and it's awkward and you analyze and the only person who is feeling worse is yourself. Ugh, not fun and I feel awful that you have to worry about this as well.

[Zerohero]

can u share your situation with me? id like to hear it, maybe itll help me with making up my mind. thanks

 

Well this is what will happen as it happened to me. Your ex will either pretend like she doesn't care you are there, and talk and put up a front like she's enjoying herself with other people while not speaking to basically at all. Everyone else will treat you good but her, and you will feel weird. I had to experience it , and it was a nightmare, something I won't forget for a while. If you do chose to go, you will be sitting their wondering *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* am I doing here, I promise you this!

 

So take my warning

[bsp_kjm]

Well this is what will happen as it happened to me. Your ex will either pretend like she doesn't care you are there, and talk and put up a front like she's enjoying herself with other people while not speaking to basically at all. Everyone else will treat you good but her, and you will feel weird. I had to experience it , and it was a nightmare, something I won't forget for a while. If you do chose to go, you will be sitting their wondering *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* am I doing here, I promise you this!

 

So take my warning

the ex isnt gonna be there, just her mom and her two sisters...

[Zerohero]

ummmm why do you want to "hang out" with your ex's mom, and sisters?

[bsp_kjm]

well like a fool, I ended up going to the dinner.

 

Arrived at the dinner, sat down with ex's mother and sisters. Her mother made the ex's favorite meal, and we proceeded to eat and talk casually about work, school, etc. Everything was going great, then the sisters went to do homework. It was just me and her mom who then told me, "I just wanted you to know how much we appreciate everything you've done for our daughter and our family. No matter what happens between you and my daughter, I just wanted you to know that you will always be a part of our family and you are always welcome here, no matter what. This is your second home."

 

After she finished telling me that, I told her how much I appreciate it. Several tears rolled down her face, but she regained her composure. The ex's father got home and sat down with me. We talked about work, then he asked me to watch a soccer game with him. We sat in silence watching the game. He finally broke the silence by telling me that I was always welcome there and that their home was also my home. My room would always be available to me no matter what. I thanked him and we continued watching the game.

 

For some reason, I fell asleep on the couch. I awoke to an empty room several hours later, actually around midnite. Her mother came downstairs and told me to crash out in "my" room. Too tired to drive the 45 mins home, and since I had class the next morning, I decided to stay.

 

Next morning, I awoke to an empty house. I checked my email. Got an email from the ex telling me that its officially over. My heart breaks even more, even though I knew it was coming. Right as I log out of my email her mother walks into the room and can see the pain in my eyes. I tell her not to worry about me. She tells me that she loves me and knows how much I care about her daughter. Then she tells me that the night before when I fell asleep on the couch, the ex's father went upstairs, called the ex, and proceeded to tell her she was a fool for hurting me. The ex told him to stay out of her life. Then her sisters called, telling her that she was making a mistake. She also tells them to stay out of her life. Her mother calls her and calms her down.

 

I tell her mother that I did not mean to make drama in the household. I just wanted to have dinner with them. She knows and says that she will try to explain to the ex that I didnt mean any harm.

 

Later that day while I was at school, I got a call from her mother asking me if I was still going to be able to take the youngest sister to the dentist like I had promised I could several weeks before. I said I would. I also get a text msg from the ex telling me, "I love you and I always will. Life is just so complicated and stressful right now. Bye"

 

Next day, I pick up the youngest sister from school, head to the dentist, then head home. She asks me if I have talked to the ex. I say no and, "I love your sister and I miss her." This apparently made the littlest sister very emotional who upon arriving home, called up the ex and in a swirl of tears, sobbing, and screaming, told off the ex.

 

The ex asks for me to be put on the phone. She proceeds to yell at me for trying to turn her family against her and that its only making her hate me even more. I try explaining to her that I hadn't even brought her up and I tell her exactly what had happened the last couple days, word for word. It all goes in one ear and out the other. I even tell her to confirm with her mother if she doesnt believe me. I tell her I love her and miss her and I would never do anything to hurt her. She calms down a bit tells me that she loves me, misses me, and I am her bestfriend, but that all I do is bring stress to her life and she cant be with me right now. She then says she wants to see me next weekend after thanksgiving and hangs up.

 

Last night at work, I get a text msg from her reading, "Be well and drive safe. Goodnite."

 

This morning, I get an email from her asking me why am I trying to turn her family against her and that she feels it is only pulling us further apart. Pretty much she wrote the same thing that she had told me on the phone the evening before. Like I said: in one ear, out the other. I reply to her email telling her that she needs to start listening to what I say and not to what she wants to hear and maybe we wouldnt even be fighting in the first place (whole reason she broke up with me is because she thought I broke up with her on her bday, even though I didnt, because she is a selective hearer and only hears what she wants).

 

and thats where we stand. Life sucks.

[bsp_kjm]

btw, i just wanted to thank everyone who has left feedback in this thread. it means alot

[bsp_kjm]

feedback from anyone on the current situation? I was doing pretty good these last couple days, but today is just horrible. I cant concentrate on ANYTHING and i have tons of homework to do

[chaos]

Sorry to hear about what happened, probably turned out worse than any of us could have imagined. This girl has already made up her mind about what's going on. Nothing you say or do can or will change her mind. My ex was like that as well, probably part of why we broke up is because of things she thought I did or said when the reality was quite different. Until she realizes it for herself, nothing will change her mind and you have to realize that it may never happen. It's quite sad really because people like this, they make the world out to be a far worse place than it already is. I pity them.

 

In the meantime, keep yourself busy, avoid any/all contact with your ex and, as wonderful as her family sounds, perhaps it's best to avoid them as well. I understand how hard it can be, my ex's family was great, part of why I thought it was so right with her. I mean, my birthday, her dad's birthday, and her brother in laws birthday are all within 3 days and 11 years of eachother. We're all Taurus'... how weird is that? Anyways, it WILL get easier, it's just gonna take time.