Questions needing answers!

[KellyWyndham]

Wondered if I could get help with a frustrating problem, it's a difficult one. I started seeing my ex again two months ago. Our relationship ended in August because out of the blue he said he didn't want anything serious, just 'a bit of fun'. Coincidentally, he came out with this the day after we'd had sex for the first time.

That wasn't enough for me so we parted ways. A month after the breakup he got in touch wanting to catch up. I started seeing him on the weekends, against my friends' advice. We talked about what happened, he apologised for his actions. We've said were both still attracted to eachother, physically and emotionally and I miss what we had. He says he's kicking himself for not treating me right. I told him early on that I don't want to be used for sex, that I didn't want to meet up just for that. And while he said he sees me as more than just a piece of action, he also said that he still doesn't want anything serious. We said all this to eachother about 2 months ago. But since then we've been seeing eachother every weekend (I go to boarding school) and hanging out, and kissing and, against my better judgement, having sex (Though I don't enjoy it as much as before because I'm so paranoid he might leave me) He refers to me as his 'friend' to the guys even though were so much more. He always seems eager to text and meet up but this new casual relationship is so different to our old serious one. When we were together before he would always compliment me, saying how special I was and how much he liked me. In this new, more casual relationship, he never compliments me. He's recently been play fighting and making fun of me which he never used to. (It's all a joke and he's not being mean or anything) I've been thinking that maybe he's been play fighting so much because he might be falling for me and doesn't want to show it? Our chat about what we wanted was two months ago and he may feel differently now. I've also been thinking that soon he might meet someone else and want to stop seeing me. I would be devastated. He thinks I'm fine with this casual relationship but honestly I wish we were official like before, boyfriend and girlfriend. I have some questions I would really like help with:

 

1. Should I put my foot down like last time and say this casual thing isn't enough for me? He might have grown up and want the same thing, but if he still doesn't, by laying down my terms I risk losing him again. I can't lose him because he's the best thing to ever happen to me.

 

2.Why doesn't he want a relationship with me? We get on great, we fancy eachother and we've been casual for two months now. He's not a player cos all his ex's have been long term and he's never had a one night stand. Why is he so against being serious with me?!

 

3. Why doesn't he compliment me anymore, and why has he been play fighting with me so much, taking the piss out of me and having jokey arguments? Is there something behind this?

 

4. Is it all in my mind? Honestly, am I just hoping he's changed and wants to be with me? Or does it sound like he might be falling for me again...

 

Sorry this has been so long, it's just very complicated!

[BellaDonna]

I just read your post, I'm sorry you did not get responses sooner.

 

he also said that he still doesn't want anything serious

 

Do not try to judge his actions, judge his words. He is being honest and essentially telling you that he does not want more than sex.

 

I hate to tell you this: But you are being used.

 

It's clear that you care about him too much. You're going to end up getting hurt in this situation.

 

The best advice I could can give is that if it is a relationship you're looking for, you're with the wrong guy. You should move on and find someone that wants the same things as you, not just sex on the weekends.

 

Why doesn't he want a relationship with me?

 

It may have nothing to do with you at all. He just might not be mature enough to handle a relationship at this point in his life. That doesn't mean other guys will be like that. Look beyond this guy and you'll find someone much better.

 

Don't waste your time or energy trying to change him. Take that enegy and put it toward someone else who deserves it. You don't have to settle for being a sexual passtime for this guy.

 

BellaDonna

[Juliana]

I don't think this is in your mind; I think you've done the right thing all along. You and he are just very different, which is sometimes good, but in this case, not good enough. Unfortunately, when we respect someone, we sometimes don't see that they have issues; spiritual or mental problems, and he does. It's the fact of him insulting you that makes me say so. The reality is, he's using you because, for whatever reason, he's too insecure to open up to the possibility of something serious, and probably has been that way since before you met him. From your story, the pattern I see is that the more you give, the more he's going to retreat, and that's nothing to do with you, that's him. Normal men don't leave a woman the day after they have sex for the first time; this is more than a red flag, it's a bunch of flags and flashing lights and stop signs.

 

He's not falling for you, because this kind of guy isn't ready to fall for anyone who isn't seriously abusive to them, and you don't want to go there. Eventually he'll meet a girl who treats him like sh*ite, and he'll settle down with her, thinking that her "high standards" mean she's a better person.

 

I'll bet you money on this, if you'd like.

 

Dump his under-analyzed a**, and start going out with people who are a little more emotionally mature and can handle the concept of falling in love without imagining it's the end of the world.

[KellyWyndham]

wow thankyou so much for this advice, so insightful, ive never thought of it that way before