Girls..I just don't get it

[musicguy]

i'm a nice guy, I've always been a nice guy and I'm not going to change who i am for anyone else..here's the problem that I've been having for many years. Why do girls like the jerks and not the nice guys. I'm 26 now and I still have that problem.

[Zerohero]

This is old no offence,

 

Girls want a guy that has some self confidence, some back bone, and can be him self. Add to this with some physical attraction, and walla girls will come to you. Maybe not by the truck loads, but you will get some attention.

 

Another thing, dont be all nice, STOP IT NOW. I mean be a gentleman etc, but don't be a weakling asking them are they ok every 5min. They seriously hate that. Just treat them like you would treat a good friend of yours. The mushy stuff will come later in the relationhip.

 

Thats my advice to you.

[acuraman]

From what I have learned throughout life, girls want a challenge. They don't want someone to always say yes to things and agree with things. They want someone who can make a decision, someone firm and someone who isn't a push over. I mean if you dont like something, tell them, they might get mad at you, but they will respect you for that. You can still be a nice guy and do chivarous things for them, but dont be a push over thats all.

[SoMuchLove]

Hi musicguy!

 

I know what you mean and I've just recently been told I was a nice guy. However, people really have different views on what the word "nice" really means.

 

In my situtation, I appeared to be Mr. NiceGuy simply because the girl I was trying to date had been thorugh so much emotional pain in her past relationships. so much so that a simple "you look gorgeous or beautiful" was too nice. So when I came along, all I did was treat her the a way a women should be treated. I left her roses on her car, not to persuade her into dating me, but because this was simply what I felt she deserved. It turns out I'm the only guy that has ever done that for her and she says it's the best thing anyone had ever done. Not only did I do this, but I treated her as an equal as well. Because of this, she said I am "too nice". Thus, she said she didn't want to date me because she could see herself being in realtionship with me for a long time...and when it comes to an end she would be hurt too much...That is the best compliment I have ever received in my life!

 

However, I was not too nice...I was just being sweet and romantic. So in theory, since being sweet and being romantic are always going to be associated with being nice, all a jerk has to do is be romantic and sweet and they'll love it. This is because the jerks have the oozing confidence to even it all out...You can say your confident(I notice you are becuase you say you won't change who you are for anyone)...but it HAS to show...actions speak louder than words...

 

The point I'm trying to make is there in nothing wrong with being nice and treating a women the way she should be treated. However, do not become her doormat! I women wants her man to be a man when it's time to be a man and a gentlemen when it's time to be a gentlemen. All that is saying is have confidence and stand strong for what you believe in. When trouble comes, "mr.niceguy" will let it run him over. Most of those guys appear to be jerks simply because they have confidence.

 

Another way to come accross as a mr.nice guy is to constantly go out of your way to do things for her or appear clingy or needy instead of simply being interetsed. Although it is nice, never appear that you will do anything and eveything it takes to keep hat person when you first meet them. I find this happens when the nice guy has never been with a girl(or just has not been with one in awhile) and when the first girl comes his way, he gives it all be gots and ends up pushing her away...not even considering if she is even the right type of girl he is interested in dating.

 

So really you wouldn't be changing who you are for anyone...You'll just appear more assertive and aggressive which come with being confident or a jerk. Just like being sweet and romantic comes with being nice.

 

I hope that helps.

 

And I agree with you both zero and acura-

[heloladies21]

I'll pm you some really good sites for help with getting girls.

[CharLit]

First of all, everyone, don't tar us all with the same brush! I'm a girl, and speaking for myself alone, I definitely don't go for jerks! But SoMuchLove has a good point, it all depends very much on your definitions of 'nice': I like it if a guy is sweet and romantic and considerate in a relationship (I am the same and I think you need to give in equal amounts or someone's going to get resentful). However, I do want the guy i'm with to stand up for himself, i.e. not a doormat. I'm all for making compromises, but I certainly don't want someone to "whatever you say, honey" me. In my previous relationship I was so worried about keeping the peace that I agreed to pretty much everything my boyfriend said and wanted, the relationship was constructed completely on his terms. That wasn't his fault, I was so scared of conflict that i never even tried to stand up to him, and he probably just though it was great that he'd found someone who wanted all the same things he did.

 

I wasn't very happy though, and resented him for it even though it wasn't his fault. i want my partner to be as happy with me as I am with them, and it's for this reason I don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone who goes against his own needs and wishes just to keep me happy... but it's great if his wishes include bringing me breakfast in bed and telling me i look beautiful from time to time as does my current man, though he vetoed a pink bedroom We've compromised on white, aubergine and burgundy!

 

And Musicguy, i'd say you actually do fit these criteria, since you both refer to yourself as a nice guy, and take a stand on not being willing to change for everyone else - you're nice, but a strong character nonetheless. Keep looking, there must be plenty of other girls out there who DON'T want a neanderthal to club them over the head and drag them back to their cave and add them to the woman-collection!

[teacup]

what are you talking about?

 

i ONLY like guys that are nice to me. when a guy starts being mean or a jerk to me, i get so angry and turned off and flat out PISSED.

 

treating me badly is a sure way to get me to be disgusted and to give up on you and dump you.

 

girls like nice guys. but the THING is you cant expect your niceness to make up for everything in the world. if you are ugly or stupid or lame, then just because ur nice, it wont get you girls.

 

girls want NICE and SOMETHING MORE.

 

you must be lacking in some areas if you are counting on just niceness to help you.

 

but genuine niceness is a plus. however i have met some guys that say they are nice but they are just faking it. that wont work either.

[novaseeker]

The real issue is what do you mean by 'nice guy'. Many guys who consider themselves to be 'nice guys' are too docile, too compliant, too soft, etc. It's not a distinction between 'nice guys' and 'jerks' ... it's a distuinction between guys who are 'softer' as compared with those who are more confident, more strident, more backbone and the like. Women like confidence and find it very attractive in men ... in my experience, not very many women like puppy-dog personalities in men. Do some/many women fall for true 'jerks' now and then? Of course, but that's not really the issue here. The issue here is stop being so soft and compliant, get some backbone and confidence and be yourself ... and you'll almost be instantly more attractive to women.

 

It's a hard lesson for some men because, for many men at least, confidence and backbone in a woman has no bearing on whether a man is attracted to her at all, and they assume that by being 'nice', women will find them attractive. Not always the case. Doesn't mean women like 'jerks' ... it means they like stronger, confident men over other kinds of men.

[annie24]

what are you talking about?

 

i ONLY like guys that are nice to me. when a guy starts being mean or a jerk to me, i get so angry and turned off and flat out PISSED.

 

treating me badly is a sure way to get me to be disgusted and to give up on you and dump you.

 

girls like nice guys. but the THING is you cant expect your niceness to make up for everything in the world. if you are ugly or stupid or lame, then just because ur nice, it wont get you girls.

 

girls want NICE and SOMETHING MORE.

 

you must be lacking in some areas if you are counting on just niceness to help you.

 

but genuine niceness is a plus. however i have met some guys that say they are nice but they are just faking it. that wont work either.

 

But teacup - the man you've been posting about has been acting not-so-nice towards you, and you're still dating him! Even though everyone's told you a thousand times he's not the right guy.

 

Yes, us women are drawn to "bad boys." Even me, who should know better. Like a previous poster said, it's not so much that we like the bad things that they do, it's that confidence is sexy - and they are confident men!

 

I'm definitely not telling you not to be mean to a girl - but have some boundaries. Don't drop everything for her. Have your own life, your own interests. Become really good at something.

 

Next, if you need to work on your physical appearance, do so. If you're not in shape, get in shape. It may help getting an updated waredrobe, maybe a new haircut.

 

Good luck!

[Dating Coach]

Musicguy, you are saying what so many other frustrated "Nice Guys" say, and it is wrong. Women don't want "Jerks", you only think that in frustration. Why? For one, you consider yourself a "Nice Guy" and you aren't getting the success you feel you deserve. It is because you are a good person that you fail? No. It is other things. I haven't heard your story in detail but I am going to guess that the problem is either in the way you approach women to persue a relationship or the way handle your relationship with a woman.

 

As far as the "Jerk" theory, it's nonsense. A lot of "Nice Guys" are stuck in the "friendzone" with a girl they want. They continue to hang out with the "Object of their Affection" even though they are not yet dating that person romantically or have been rejected and are hoping that the girl will change her mind. So from this "friend" position to this girl, they get to hear all about her "Jerk" boyfriend problems and arguments and you hear this all from her side of the story alone. Does this mean the guy really is a "Jerk"? Maybe he is, but maybe he isn't. You aren't in any position to make that kind of judgement based on one side of the story from someone that you are completely biased towards-not to mention your own personal motive in wanting to believe the guy is a "Jerk" because he is with the woman you want. Maybe he is nothing more than a guy who refuses to put up with anyone wronging him-including her. Maybe she is an instigator in much of their arguments and he is doing nothing but standing up for himself. This could make her angry and cause her to vent to the malegirlfriend with the crush.

 

When my girlfriend and I get into an argument, she talks to her sisters and her friends about it. It's what girls do. If she thinks I am really wrong about something, she vents to them about the situation and paints the picture of me being completely wrong-even if in reality I am right. To these friends it may seem like I am being stubborn or that I was being selfish, but then again, they are only hearing her side of the story and not mine. It happens. It doesn't mean I am a jerk, and if my girlfriend had a guy friend who was crushing on her, he might even think that I was a "Jerk". But, my girlfriend doesn't have a guy friend, and we both treat each other great. In every relationship there are arguments and disagreements and each person will vent to the people they know-especially if they think that they are right and their partner is wrong.

 

To SoMuchLove, I don't mean to burst your bubble that you created about the "best compliment you ever received" but it was BS. That whole, "I can't be with you because you are simply too good to me and I know I would fall so deeply in love with you that it would destroy me if we broke up, so I won't be with you" crap is nothing but an excuse. She ended it because she didn't feel anymore chemistry and didn't want to be with you. That's the truth.

[sweetheart230]

Like everyone said its the confidence factor. Nothing is sexier. The hottest guy in the world will cease to be sexy if he has no confidence. We don't want a man who will let us walk all over him. We lose respect for him if we think he is too desperate to keep us. It doesn't make us feel special to be with someone who acts as if they let others treat them badly. It does make us feel special to be with someone who acts as if they could have anybody...and chooses us. But you don't have to be a jerk. Just don't be too compliant and don't act as if you need them. You don't.

[SoMuchLove]

I agree diggity and your not bursting my bubble at all.

 

I failed to enter best/worst. Best because I would treat her nice and would be there for her if needed me...her ex left her alone to cry on Christmas when she lost a loved one earlier that year...he stopped but and said "If your gonna keep crying like that I'm gonna l'll just leave"...so he did...

 

It's best because I know would be there for her when she needs me the most, or any female I'm involved with, so I would have longevity...at the same time I would have my own life and interests other than to tending to her smallest of needs...

 

The true jerks or the guys who are not as nice(despite confidence and all that) are more likely to last not as long because as a "Nice Guy" because of actions like that...If he cares her like she told me he did, there is NO excuse for acting the way he did and not staying to comfort her...

 

I say worst because you are right. It is BS...to an extent...I say this because that doesn't keep me from believing and liking to know that there is a slight possibility I'd last longer because I'm too good to her and she takes to me so well...even if it is by a day, month, week, or year...the thought of longevity in her "compliment" is what I like.

 

Despite her saying that, she continued to initiate kisses, hugs, calls and visits...the chemistry was still present at the time. It was earlier that say, a few hours before she said this, that she gets a "High" when she thinks of me...I guess I'd be better off taking that as the best compliment I ever had lol.

 

Still new to this lol. I need to be more clearer and get out all of what I want to say beforehand lol. I totally I agree with you on this however

 

In every relationship there are arguments and disagreements and each person will vent to the people they know-especially if they think that they are right and their partner is wrong.

 

That's the truth-

[Dating Coach]

Things get very confusing in relationships when you start listening to what people are saying. Guys always think that there are signs that she likes you and signs that she doesn't, but all that does is lead to confusion. I don't care if my girlfriend tells me she loves me and that I am the greatest thing in her life. If her actions aren't supporting that then I know she is full of it. Same in dating. So many times I have heard guys say that so-and-so girl was telling them that they are the best thing ever, but for whatever reason, these guys weren't dating that girl. They were on the sidelines hoping to one day get that date, and they hung on even longer because of stuff she said. If she isn't doing then it isn't true-or it at least isn't worth it.