For those who choose to forgive.....

[Erin1111]

My boyfriend cheated. It was once it did not last and he ended it of his own accord. I have chosen to forgive him. I know him better than anyone and I believe he won't do it again.

 

It seems as though there are a lot of synics in this forum. Everyones advice seems to convey the message once a cheater always a cheater. But the truth is that every situation is unique and regardless of what things look like on the surface only those in the relationship truly know if it has potential to work. Just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean that they are evil and should go through life alone and never be trusted again. There are a lot of reformed cheaters posting in this forum. People can change.

 

I would like to open up this discussion to all those who have chosen to forgive. I know myself that I have a lot of mixed feelings. I know I made the right choice, I know I love him, and in my mind I know I can trust him. I want to know how to convince my heart though. How to quiet the voice that trys to get me to snoop and check up on him. (which I have done a few times and have always found I had no reason to doubt). How do I put the betrayed feelings aside and move on.

 

How are you dealing with getting past cheating and moving on?

Any sucess stories out there?

 

Lets help each other move forward instead of just hearing people tell us we made the wrong choice.

[Meow18]

I don't think it's a matter of making the right or wrong choice, it just depends on how you feel, or the situation.

 

I am one of those who have chosen not to take someone back once they cheat. Everyone has their reasons for this. My main reason is because I have been cheated on twice by the same guy. I know all guys aren't like that, but after that guy, I have realized that it's just not worth it to me to put up with that.. and I want better for myself.

 

That's only how I feel. I'm not going to sit here and say that once a cheater always a cheater because I know that isn't true with everyone.

 

If you trust your boyfriend enough to believe he really won't do it again, then that's great. I'm not really sure how you can get the voice in your heart to change. That would be my main problem as well. I guess you just need to keep reminding yourself that you don't believe he would do it again. Just try not to think about it. If you truly think it was just a mistake he made, then try to forgive and forget.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

Well, like Maggie mentioned, it's entirely up to you what you want to do. Cheating is such a sensative topic and IMO, it works on a case by case basis. There is no clear cut answer or solution on how to go about it but that's just me. You can choose to forgive him, but doesn't necassarily mean you have to take him back. You can forgive him but move on to someone you can trust. Many people have a very difficult time getting over cheating. I personally don't think I could take someone back under those cicumstances, especially if we weren't married. Trust is so fragile and so easy to break and hard to repair. It's your call, weigh your pros and cons if you decided to take him back and see where that leads you. Good luck and take care.

[dirtbubble]

Once cheaters are not always cheaters, of course. However, twice cheaters usually are thrice and beyond, I think. So if it happens ever again, you may want to rethink your position. I was one who forgave too much. Now I pay the price every day.

 

I like to believe people can change and learn from mistakes. But that's if they live consciously and are honest with themselves, which I have found is a rare quality.

 

Good luck.

[Day_Walker]

It seems as though there are a lot of synics in this forum. Everyones advice seems to convey the message once a cheater always a cheater. But the truth is that every situation is unique and regardless of what things look like on the surface only those in the relationship truly know if it has potential to work. Just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean that they are evil and should go through life alone and never be trusted again. There are a lot of reformed cheaters posting in this forum. People can change.

 

 

I believe that cheating is mostly about the cheater, its their particular issues that they are dealing with and this is what makes cheating appealing. The plain and simple truth is that you cannot keep a person from cheating. People forgive cheating because of how they feel about that person, thats all that matters to them. They somehow rationalize the situation and believe that staying with the person is the best option. Now thats a personal decision that each person has to make. I think that your stance on cheating has to deal with many factors. I realize that people make mistakes and that they are just human.

 

That being said for me it also has to do with what I will put up with. I can forgive the person for cheating on me but that doesnt mean I will be with the person. I am willing to make that choice simply because I believe that my feelings for that person do not superceed their actions.

[kyky]

I think it was awesome that you created this thread I have been going crazy trying to get through this on my own, it has been no easy task and after writing a post I came to the realization that mostppl here don't quite believe that it can happen once and that the "cheater" can learn from his mistake

[airhead588]

Well if u find u can trust him that he ain't gonna do it again, then do so, good luck.

[WyseOne]

I cheated on my first girlfriend and I will not let it happen again. So no not all cheaters stay cheaters. I would also not end a relationship with someone I love just to be with someone else.

[NoMoreWill]

A relationship I had in the past ended after she cheated on me the second time with my best friend. I forgave her the first time because we make mistakes and sometimes don't know what else to do. Afterwards, it was difficult to trust her and I eventually broke up with her because of that.

 

.....know I love him, and in my mind I know I can trust him. I want to know how to convince my heart though. How to quiet the voice that trys to get me to snoop and check up on him. (which I have done a few times and have always found I had no reason to doubt). How do I put the betrayed feelings aside and move on.

 

It seems you don't trust him and you're trying to convince yourself to do so. Be it excuses of love or "I know in my mind", it will be very hard to give trust again. Even if you think you trust him, the real trial will be when things come up to remind you of the cheating. Are you ready to handle that?

 

 

I just got out of a year-long relationship with a woman who first cheated on her husband (multiple times, I might add) with me and then eventually left him. She, unfortunately, went back to him. I am at a loss as to how anyone in his position could take back a woman who would do that to someone but I guess to each their own. Personally, I believe it isn't love but the fear of being alone and not having someone there to take care of you.

 

If she were to leave him again for me, I'd have serious reservations about taking her back. And if I did take her back, there would be major trust issues. I'd think long and hard before I would though.