The end of a three year relationship....

[SophMd]

It's been two weeks since my boyfriend of three years broke up with me....

Here is my story..Hope you all can give me some good feedback

 

When I first dated him he was considered overweight...but I looked past that. I dont consider myself a superficial person because I remember being treated differently because I was overweight in one point in my life as well. Anyway, the more I started to fall for him the more insecure I felt about myself and thought that he would leave me. I am assuming this is because I grew up in a violent household as well as had a mother with bipolar. I really opened up to this guy...and he was so sweet and wonderful towards me....we lost our virginity together and shared so many intimate moments together. We both talked about marriage frequently and he always told me that I needed to trust him and be less insecure or else he would leave me. I think that the fact that he told me he would leave me because I was insecure heightened that insecurity. I know for a fact that I loved this man with all of my heart and I tried to do things that would better our relationship. I even went to consuling so I could overcome reoccurring issues of my past....

Flash forward.... He started living a healthy lifestyle and caring more about his future and finally lost the unhealthy weight. Ever since he got a full time job and lost the weight...he was mentally abusive to me ...he told me how if i wasnt still in school we would be married...how since i am insecure he is going to fall out of love with me and also told me that I have no interests in life. I feel like if he could only put himself in my shoes he would understand why telling me that he would leave...made me more insecure deep down. 2 weeks ago he broke up with me because he said that he made a connection with a girl that had dated his twin brother as well as his best friend...he said that she told him that a relationship cant be built on trust etc...she was stating the obvious...and I made that same connection with him 3 years ago as well....so basically....He told me that he obviously did not love me if he could have feelings for her...eventhough they were not physical... This felt like a complete stab in the heart because I was willing to work at the relationship with all of my heart...I was going to therapy and meanwhile he had one foot out the door. I dont know if he is dating this girl or not...but it would clearly be a rebound...he told me that she is just like me but had a normal upbringing and she is finished school. That hurt. Then he told me he went to a party and girls were finally giving him the attention that he craved all of his life...because he lost the weight. I think that he is so confused with his life...and eventhough I was insecure in our relationship, I feel that I am a wonderful person who has a ton of great qualities....I just tended to not see them because someone was constantly putting me down. Another thing is that we are both 25 and I feel like his constant use of smoking marijuana is unhealthy and defeating the purpose of living a healthy lifestyle....

Bottom line...we both made mistakes in this relationship... I know i loved this man... Do you think that he is confused about who he is? And finally do you think that it is possible he and this girl would last...especially after two weeks of us not being together?

I feel so tired just typing this whole story out...so please ask any questions if needed...I feel like I still love him...and i clearly should not....especially after the way he had talked to me.

 

 

Thanks!

[flightymighty]

You don'tneed this honey. Sounds like he is the one who is insecure- otherwise his attitude wouldn't have changed with the loss of his weight.

 

Also, sounds like he projected his insecurities on to you and you know what the brutal thing is? Your insecurity is what made him strong. You need to show him that you are everything he wanted to be- cause it sounds as though he wanted to keep you below him.

 

You went to counselling and that takes a lot of courage - sounds like you are on your way to bettering yourself - stick with the counselling and figure out the root of your insecurity and why you could change for him but not yourself. Take care!

[SophMd]

That is very sweet of you...I know where my insecurity comes from...and I am glad that I am finally talking to a therapist about it...I know I am a solid person...The fact that I think he is with someone else this soon...makes me sick to my stomach...its like he told me...she is like you but had a normal family etc..and I wish i could date you both...I guess he is the one with the issues

[Jjasonn28]

so many posts today hitting home!! Flighty is absolutely right. He doesn't deserve you. And the instant he said 'she is like you but had a normal family' you should have seen right through him. You sound like a good girl with a big heart. We all have flaws, but to attack someone like that, is cowardly. Move on. There will be others who will love you REGARDLESS of your upbringing/past.

 

Stay strong.

JP[/i]

[SophMd]

I know. Its so easier said then done...Its like I had all my future figured out...I cant wait to start a family once i get financially stable etc...but you cant do that without a guy....maybe i will invent the best man in the world and everyone can buy one.....I just get so sick thinking about him with that other girl...do you think they would last...it has only been 2 weeks since we broke up

[Jjasonn28]

I dont think they will last if she sees through him like you should have. If they do or if they dont, you CAN do better. There is no such thing as the perfect mate. As much as I love the girl who is now breaking my heart, shes not perfect. No one is. And those that believe that their partner is 'perfect' is setting themselves up for a letdown. What makes a perfect 'partnership' is the mutual assertiveness towards productive communication, trust, and the realization that no one is perfect. Relationships require understanding and nourishing. Its a two way street.

 

So try not to concern yourself if they will last. Try to understand that you will find an endearing love that is made of all of the things I mentioned. This guy isn't worth your time.

 

jp

[SophMd]

Part of me just feels like it is all my fault for being insecure and thinking he would leave me. He always warned me that he would leave if i acted like that..I feel like he couldnt handle the work

..or the wait any longer...and when he lost weight I think he knew he could get different girls....which makes me feel digusted at him....and especially with someone who dated his bestfriend and twin brother........weirdness

[flightymighty]

...I guess he is the one with the issues

 

EXACTLY.

 

Here's my thoughts on people who rebound: When a loved one rebounds right away they are laughing and thinking they are fine. When the rebound goes bust, they have to deal with the loss of you and the other one - OUCH!

[SophMd]

is there anymore advice you guys could give me as to why I feel like It is all my fault...and how to think less about him and the possibility of the other girl...

[davidhollis]

hon, don't sweat it; the guys a moron. You're clearly a thoughtfull girl and no matter his situation, you're going to be better off without him.

What's important is to take the good things you did in that relationship and apply them to the next. Everything else is part of the learning curve...

[SophMd]

WEIRD/humorous that he would consider someone that had dated his twin brother as well as his best friend in college? I feel like I am in high school all over again and we are swapping dates. In your honest opinion do you think that he could form a lasting relationship with this person? Its only been two weeks and the day that we broke up she was calling him and text messaging him.. talk about stab in the back.