Can't be without him...Please help me

[Tinkerbell]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm not sure if anybody remembers me, but for quite some time I was a moderator here on this forum. However, after several months I became overwhelmed with work and school, and had to resign...But now that I'm completely heartbroken and overwhelmed, I didn't know where else to go since I'm pretty sure I'm depressing the heck out of my friends by crying all the time, so I'm really hoping someone could help me...

 

I broke up with my boyfriend Chris at the beginning of August after we had been together for almost a year (I'm 18 and he's going to be 20 soon, just as a little back-up information). The reason that I broke it off wasn't that I had stopped loving him, but because I thought that a little time apart was what he needed since I felt that he had to get his life together - he had no job and he wasn't in school. It's not as though this was a new situation, it had been going on all summer, and finally towards the end his anger at himself began to be directed towards me...I knew that I didn't deserve to be yelled at when all I was doing was trying to help him, so I ended things with him over the phone, with the clear idea in MY mind that it was only temporary and that hopefully it would give him a kick in the butt to move in the right direction and within no time we'd be back together...

 

Well clearly, I made a huge mistake...One that I have to live with every morning when I wake up, one that haunts me every single damn day...I have to make it clear that before the break-up and our little problem with him not working, our relationship was perfect...To the point that I remember people saying that we were so in love it made them nauseous, and so on...He was my everything, my best friend AND my boyfriend, and I would've done anything for him in an instant, and still would...

 

So my little plan backfired x 20. About a week or so later I was feeling pretty horrible and was planning on calling him up to stop all the nonsense, when I found out from a mutual friend that he was seeing someone new...This new girl was Lina, a "friend" of his from high school...What I mean by a friend is that the girl pretty much lead him on for 5 years, only taking an interest in him when she couldn't have him, and finally ending up kissing him WHILE she was in a serious relationship with someone else...Needless to say, this girl's no angel.

 

At the beginning of our relationship he and Lina had kept in touch, but obviously with time he stopped talking to her because her manipulative side was more than eager to break the two of us up...He then confided in me repeatedly throughout our entire relationship that he couldn't believe how blind he had been for 5 years, as he finally realised just how much of a manipulative person she really was and he had been a fool for ever liking her...

 

Well you can just imagine my shock at having found out that right after we broke up, he went running on back to her...Of all people, he knew that being with Lina would've hurt me the most, so perhaps this has something to do with it, but I just couldn't get over what a hypocrite he was being...What I didn't know is that one of his friends had seen me and a guy friend together the night after our break-up, and this friend clearly saw something that wasn't there and lead poor Chris to believe that I had already replaced him as well.

 

I was incredibly hurt by the fact that he was with someone else, so I made yet another mistake and started dating someone too...About a month into this new relationship, I realised that it wasn't fair of me to be with someone new when I was still thinking about Chris, so me and the new boyfriend ended it because it was obvious we weren't on the same page...

 

I finally got the courage up to call Chris and tell him everything that I felt about 6 weeks ago...I spent about 3 hours crying in his car to him about how stupid I had been and how I had made a terrible mistake and that I was sorry and would never leave him again if he gave me another chance...Well, Chris pretty much crushed me by telling me that he was dating Lina and that things were going well and that he was over me...I believe this is when that horrible feeling in my chest began....

 

Well that was just this beginning of the last 6 weeks from hell that he's put me through...After that incident, he ignored me for a week....Then one day he calls me up being all friendly and asks me to hang out with him, so I obviously agreed...He ended up kissing me and telling me that he ended things with Lina because he couldn't trust her (I can't blame him) and that I would always be his baby, he obviously still loved me, but he didn't know whether or not he was ready for a relationship right now because I had broken his heart...I respected this and told him so, and we spent the next 3 hours embracing one another...

 

That evening was followed by yet another week of him ignoring me, so you can only imagine how confused I was....Then once again, he calls me out of the blue, this time to dump on me the most horribly mean things he could've possibly said...One of them being he wasn't in love with me anymore...The entire conversation was so scattered - one minute he'd be telling me he thought we had a chance, the next he'd be seeing that he had no faith in me whatsoever, ect...Finally, we agreed that he should sleep on it and the next day he'd come over after school to let me know whether he had decided that things were completely over, or he'd want to give it another chance...

 

Well guess what, he completely ignored our plans and spent yet ANOTHER week of ignoring me...Well by this point, not only was I heartbroken, but I was incredibly angry, so we he finally decided to talk to me last week, I completely lost my temper...Mind you, I wasn't the only one who was mad, and we ending up spending 3 hours yelling at one another about how angry we were at each other for contributing to the end of our relationship...This restored my faith quite a bit, as he was demonstrating just how much he still cared...He told me that he had started seeing Lina again, but referred to their relationship as "stupid" numerous times and that it was "open and free" and that she was threatened by what we had, which by contrast was "real and good"...

 

This Tuesday, he asked me to do something, and we ended up sleeping together...Now I'll have you all know that I've only been involved with 2 people, him being one of them, as I could not possibly sleep with someone that I didn't love or care about...As for him, I was his first, and still up until now, his only...We spent the evening together, during which he told me he still loved me, but that part of him felt like he owed it to Lina to see whether or not things we're going to mess up...Well as I pointed out, things had ALREADY messed up since she had found out that he had kissed me and was terribly upset, and then he had proceeded to have sex with me...Sorry, but I find it a little hard to believe that he cares about her considering his recent actions..

 

I know Chris like the back of my hand, and I knew what was coming when he called me up last night...He told me that Lina was very hurt that he had kissed me, and that she felt betrayed, and that he felt really badly for hurting her (He conveniently didn't acknowledge the hell he has put me through for the last month...) He completely minimized all the good in our relationship, and maximized all the bad, and did the opposite for his relationship with her...This obviously made me very angry, because I'm aware what he is doing - he made it clear before that he felt sorry for her and that HE was the only one hurting HER and SHE wasn't hurting HIM, so it was apparent to me that he'd seek the easy way out and continue with her knowing deep down it would remain meaningless and that he wouldn't get hurt this way...Whereas with me, he was very attached to me once before and he ended up heartbroken, which he stresses constantly, so he obviously doesn't want to risk being hurt again.

 

Well, among other things I pointed out that he was being quite the coward, and that he was trying to turn his feelings for me into nothing when we both knew they were still there...He tried to convince me that he really actually likes Lina, but I find this a little hard to believe since she's proven repeatedly over the last 5 years that she isn't a very nice person, and he just finished doing several things to jeopardize their relationship which he called "stupid" in the first place...

 

Now I just don't know what to do...I called him today and told him I wanted to talk to him, he told me to talk away, I said I didn't want to do it over the phone, and he got annoyed and agreed that he'd come see me on Sunday, but not before he threw in that he had made his decision last night and there was nothing left to say...

 

Oh god, please somebody help me...I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know whether to beg and cry or just let him go...All I know is that every day that I spend without him is another day without sunshine...I cry constantly, and I can't focus on anything...I'm not ready to let him go, and I CAN'T let him go, I know he still loves me and he still cares, and I just don't understand why I can't get him back...He's put me on such a rollarcoaster the last few weeks, saying our relationship was bad, saying it was wonderful, saying he loved me, taking it back, saying he loved me again, kissing me, sleeping with me, ignoring me for weeks at a time....I just can't take the torture anymore....

 

When I see him on Sunday, I was planning on saying something along the lines of I understand that he needs to go out and see things for himself, but that regardless I still love him and that I don't want him to forget about us and I'm sorry for the way things turned out...Please somebody, tell me what I should do or shouldn't do, I'm so messed up right now I can only imagine how the confusing my post must be...I really need to be with him...Please help me....

 

Thank you in advance for anyone who took the time to read this...

 

Much love,

~Tinkerbell~

[miracle29]

Don't beg, and if you can help it, try to not cry until after he leaves. He already knows you are hurting, so the extra's are not needed. A majority of men respond better to basic conversation without all the theatrics. You can be very honest with him and even let him know how bad you are hurting, but never comprimise your dignity by begging and making a scene. You are a lady, and a lady has to be classy. I know it hurts, but if he's got it set in his mind to not come back anyways, then crying and begging will only make you resent yourself for it later.

[DN]

You have both got yourself into a push-pull situation. Time to stop doing that. It is also time that you stopped blaming him about Lina. She may have been bad news, but he was hurt and he went back to someone he used to love. She may not have been good news etc. - - but she was there. You can't blame him for what he did after you dumped him - even if it was just a break or whatever in your mind.

 

Now he is pushed and pulled in all directions. And you are still giving him a hard time over Lina. His emotions are as mixed-up as yours are - if not more so. He was dumped by you and that is not something you can get over easily. He is hurting, embarrassed, humiliated - and if he has not yet found a decent job you can throw that into his emotional turmoil as well.

 

Time for a calm and rational talk without anger and recriminations - from both you. Tell him you love him, that you want to be with him and only him and that if he wants the same, you need to start the relationship on a new basis. One of aiming to help and support one another - open and honest communication.

 

No anger, tears, begging, pleading. When you talk, an over-emotional reaction will confuse the issue even more. Calm, sincere declaration of love and intent to make him as happy as you hope he will make you will be far more effective and runaway emotions.

[nataliejulie]

You have to understand that after you dumped him, the immense pain he went through bad to be terrible. He obviously loves you. That girl? He went to her for attention, for the rebound. He knows this. A lot of people deal with pain by doing this.

 

Once you break it off with someone, you damage that little bridge of trust and security. You have to be aware of that. He isn't pushing you away, he's just being cautious.

 

Begging, pleading, crying does not solve anything. Be open and honest. Tell him you made a mistake and you are willing to do your best to regain his trust and make this a great relationship to be in! Give him time to think about it. Rushing into anything doesn't solve anything, either.

[Tinkerbell]

Thank you to the both of you for your replies...

 

I know that I shouldn't beg or cry, but keeping myself from doing the latter is extremely difficult...DN, I understand that speaking to him straightout and telling him how I feel is what I need to do, but I HAVE done this (rather, I tried to make it out through all the sobbing), and for some reason he is still so darn scared of getting hurt again that he keeps on running away from me and back to her...I know he still has feelings for me, I see it in his eyes, in the things he's said, in the things he's done, but I just don't know how to make him realise that he's trying to surpress them and make our relationship out to be something it never was because he's confused, hurt, and scared...

[PocoDiablo]

Wow, that is quite a post!

 

Well, let me point out just some tiny things that I wonder about ... First, if you are always crying and begging when you are with him, do you really think that is the most attractive thing you can do? I find many people do this - and I don't understand why. I love my fiance because she is usually in a good mood. When she is in a bad mood, she calls her Aunt and talks to her (unless it's something really important or involves me.) She is not always crying. We have a GOOD time together. I know you care about Chris, but you are acting like a child. I mean, really, I like to be with a woman who is fun to hang out with! Everyone has problems, but I usually recommend folks avoid "Therapy" relationships. Don't try to change him, and don't dump all your problems on him either! Just flirt, go out, have fun, be cool. You should avoid negative topics if possible. Friends are who you confide in more often, at least in my experience.

 

Second, you DON'T know Chris like the back of your hand, otherwise you'd be with him and have no problems. Recognize that he is his own person, and you have to respect what he is doing for whatever his reasons are. But what are his reasons? Maybe he was with Lina because she was happier - albeit crazier. I'll tell you, a crying woman is less attractive than a crazy one. At least a crazy one is entertaining!

 

My advice to you? Get a grip. Stop telling him what to do and what you're going to do. DROP IT. Flirt with him. Be happy. Go out. Talk about anything EXCEPT PROBLEMS! Do *not* talk about other women, sex, drugs, politics, religion, mental issues, or anything - and I mean ANYTHING - negative. You need to focus on the GOOD. Until you can do that ... you're never going to get far.

 

Let out your sadness here or with friends. Save the good for Chris.

 

----------------------

 

For the record ... right now I am in the process of being sued by some crazy whackbag in New Jersey. He is also threatening me. I made the decision to actually go out and buy some shotguns for home protection. I mean, wow, talk about craziness. But do I bring all the feelings I have with Donna? Nope! She knows about him, and understands where I am coming from. And then we dropped it. She's getting ready and we're going out tonight, and I doubt we talk about it any more. You just have to focus on the good, because there is ALWAYS stupid things going on.

[Tinkerbell]

Thank you nataliejulie as well...

The thing is, it seems that the more he thinks the more of a negative effect it's having on us...He keeps trying to maximize all the bad and minimize all the good, and despite the obvious, he's claiming that he cares about this girl and that he might be better off with her...Now last night he took the decision to continue things with her and leave me hanging, but I just can't accept that...I'm sorry, but I love him too much to just let him walk away...To top matters off, it pains me so much to see him with someone who clearly isn't worth his time...As you can see, I'm desperate, if I don't do something fast, I just might lose him forever...With every day that passes, he's trying to forget me more and more....

[Tinkerbell]

I see your point PocoDiablo, but why is it that he's more attracted to HER when she's pulling off the whole crying and needy thing? Noticed I used "pulling" off, her sincerity is lacking...

And as much as I'd love to do what you suggested, I don't see how this will help me at all in the long run...Sure, I suppose we might be able to be friends, but how is that going to get him to open his eyes and realise that he should be with me? And I swear to you, if I honestly thought he was happy with this girl and that she was right for him, I would back off...But just the way he spoke about her and their relationship just makes me want to smack him over the head for being so silly..

[DN]

Sobbing and crying is scary for people who suppress their own emotions. They don't trust your or their reaction when it is so 'over the top' for him.

 

A simple taking his hand, looking into his eyes with complete sincerity and saying "I love you and I always will" would be much more effective.

 

Many men see tears as manipulative. They feel obliged to comfort the person crying and it shuts them off even more than usual from expressing their feelings - for fear of making it worse and being thought heartless. Human beings cry as a plea for help - and at that moment he doesn't want to help you. He wants to express how he feels.

 

Now he feels even more angry because he feels manipulated - and he over-reacts by either losing his temper or shutting down even more and walking away. Because walking away is safer for his own peace of mind and emotional equilibrium.

 

Have you tried sending him a letter explaining what you mean, what you want etc.

[Tinkerbell]

Yes, somewhat in the middle of all this rollar coaster ride I wrote him quite the long letter explaining that I love him no matter what, and that I made a mistake, and that even though I can't change the past, I would dedicate my future to making him happy if he gave me another chance, ect.

[miracle29]

Sadly even if you don't want him to walk away, you can't stop him. As I said before, if its set in his mind, then he will indeed do it. If this is what he's wanting to do, then you begging and crying and pleading will only turn him off and push the two of you further away. I think he may have feelings for this girl and that is something that you may have to accept. Trying to force him to change his mind will only disappoint you when the results come back that he does not want what you want. You need to be prepared for that as well. Good luck.

[Tinkerbell]

I don't doubt that he may have feelings for this girl, but I don't doubt either that he has feelings for me too...And if I had to guess for whom his feelings are stronger, I would definitely say myself...We have an entire history together, and I just can't have him pretend that it didn't exist...I know that trying to force him to open his eyes will push him away, which is why I'm trying to find SOME way of getting him to realise just what's in front of him...I'm beginning to completely lose hope; you give a person everything in the world and when it comes down to it they'll chose the meaningless fun over real love...

[DN]

you give a person everything in the world and when it comes down to it they'll chose the meaningless fun over real love...

 

Perhaps - but would he have done that had you not broken up with him?

[Tinkerbell]

Look, I realise I made a mistake, there's no need to remind me...I remind myself enough of that, I torture myself constantly...I did mess up the past, but the point is there's nothing I can do to fix the past, the only thing I can do is make the future better...But my problem is I just need him to let me do that...

[miracle29]

Tinkerbell DN is not trying to rub anything in your face. He is simply trying to help you. We all want you to see all sides, and be prepared so you don't go into this conversation un armed and not ready. You being a previous moderator, i'm sure you can understand his method and why he has chosen the words he has. We only want you to be stronger and see all sides. If you can't handle what we have to say, think about how hard its going to be when he" the man you love" is rubbing everything you've done wrong in the past in your face". You have to be able to take the sugar and the hot sauce. Don't take whats said as a personal attack or that we are judging you, we only want you to be prepared and have all angles covered before you meet with him. Does this make sense?

[Tinkerbell]

Yes, it does make sense, not only as a moderator, but as a psychology student as well...I was just pointing out that I have thought of all these things quite a bit, and right now I just can't bear to think about them anymore...I regret more than anything else breaking it off with him, and I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from this nightmare that has become my life...I'm sorry if I'm overly sensitive, but I just can't lose him...I just can't.

[DN]

Miracle is exactly right.

 

The way I read that last post, the part I quoted, was that it was as if you were blaming him for the what has happened - and that won't help you.

 

The time for blame and recriminations has been and gone - if it ever existed.

 

If I were advising him, I should tell him that he should look past the fact that you broke up with him. You had reasons that made sense to you at the time. But now you love him and he should take that love and return it with his own to make a new and stronger relationship.

 

But I am not advising him. I am advising you. And my advice is to calm down, stop the emotional roller-coaster and start acting rationally - because anything else will not get you what you want.

[miracle29]

Yes Tinkerbell i know how hard it is to fathom even the possibility of letting this young man go, especially to a woman who you feel can't love him as much as you. I know you are hurting and thats normal, don't beat yourself up. Its just like when someone dies before you had the chance to get closure, you feel like "If only I had done this" and its too late. Atleast he is still walking the earth breathing and you CAN make this right, but you have to play your cards RIGHT and not let your emotions get to the best of you. If you can control your emotions, speak calmly and controlled you will get so much further then with too much dramatics. You know how us women can get...but like someone said earlier , men take this as blackmail, so you have to speak to them just like they speak to oneanother. Cool, Calm, Collected, and with dignity. You can do this, you just have to believe you can.

[DN]

Remember this: our emotions tell us what we want; our rationality helps us to get what we want.