He just stopped all contact abruptly

[flightymighty]

Here's the deal:

 

My boyfriend and I lived together for 31/2 years. Sure there were a lot of bad times but a lot of good ones too. Recently in August I went out of town and decided that he should move out so we could get some space.

 

I came back and told him this - to my surprise he agreed but started to get cold feet a week later. I pushed the issue and he moved out while still under the impression we were still together - I too was under the impression we were still together - but me being me, gave him mixed signals.

 

Two weeks later I started to feel the effects of his absense and started begging him to move back. I was almost psychotic in my approach - calling him repeatedly, accusing him of seeing other women, demanding he tell me he loves me..etc.

 

So, on a Thursday I called him to profess my love and told him that I really wanted to work it out and we should start dating again with no hanky panky on the side. He agreed wholeheartedly(I think) and we made a date for Saturday. Interestingly, he finally started to admit at how confused he actually was.

 

So on Saturday I called him to see when I should pick him up. He sounded distant and said, "I'm really tired, today is not good." Well, I flipped and somewhat demanded to see him. He agreed and told me to call after he was done work. I did and then he said he was going to the bar for drinks with his boss and to call two hours later. 3 went by and I became psychotic again phoning repeatedly. He finally answered and said, "I'm finishing my beer, is that ok?" He was quite annoyed at this point. Aside, he told me where to pick him up and said he would call in a 1/2 hour.

 

In conclusion, he nver did call and turned off his phone. I left two messages to please call me and sent an e-mail bearing my soul. It's been four days and I have not heard a word from him. I am going insane from not knowing and wondering how he could do this to me.

 

I need any input on what might be going through his mind and if this abrupt no contact means the end. He knows this is killing me. Any advice and words of wisdom would be appreciated. Is it too late to get him back and does it sound like their is someone new in his life?

[DN]

He might be wondering how you could do that to him!

 

I think you should calm down, realise that your actions have been pushing and pulling him every which way and decide for sure what you want.

 

If you want him, then send him a message, a calm and rational one, telling him you love him, that you want to apologise for anything you have done to wreck the relationship and that you want to reconcile properly.

 

That means good communication, fixing what was wrong without anger and recriminations and doing so in a spirit of wanting to please each other.

 

No drama, no anger, no demands.

[PlayBrat]

Flighty,

 

Hi. It sounds like you're being a bit self centered in this situation. You told him he should move out...and when he did you get crazy...making demands etc. That in itself is pretty mean. The guy is probably completely confused by now.

 

You can't dismiss someone and expect them to come back on your terms when you're ready. That is a very hurtful and disrespectful way to treat someone you claim to "love". It sounds like you "love" him when he does things they way YOU want them done. It doesn't work that way...

 

You need to apologize for your actions and kiss some butt for a while if you want him back...

[miracle29]

I agree mostly with PlaybRAT. Its sounds to me like not only did you go a little "Carrie" on him, but in return you pushed him away and are now wishing you hadnt. If I am even a bit on track then I will tell you that you may have even blown this one, by losing control of your emotions and just speaking and going off on him without thinking things through. And the only way to even get him back is to back off. can't keep calling him and chasing him, it will just turn him off further. I know this is not going to be easy for you but if you want any type of anything from him, over calling and over emailing and over doing anything is not a good thing. You have to give him time. I would even go as far as to not bother him until he contacts you. When and if he does, then you can speak to him. This way the two of you have had time to calm down and re evaluate things and figure out what th both of you may want. This is probably the best way to have any type of chance of rekindleing anything. If you keep pushing him, you will succeed in pushing him away forever.

[melrich]

Relationships are very fragile things. Sometimes the strongest relationships can unravel over seemingly small things. I always liken being in love to being under a spell, once the spell is broken, all those things that you used to see in each other through rose colored glasses are suddenly exposed the the harsh light of day.

 

In your case you hit your b/f between the eyes and I am not surprised that he is carrying some residual issues. I can't tell you whether he will turn around, you need to examine your relationship very honestly and decide how much solid the foundations really were.

 

I agree with the other posters. You need to back right off now and give him space to think about things.

[Hope75]

You asked him for space, and you asked him to move out. He did, and then you did a 180 and wanted to know where he was at all times and who he was with.

 

How can you expect him not to feel hurt and confused by your actions?

 

I definitely think you may have blown this one.

 

Next time you feel the sudden urge to take the relationship down a few levels think, really think, about what you are asking. You might just get what you asked for.

[princessleiha]

whatever, dont obsess about it, he just needs to go through whatever he is going through on his end. obviously 3.5 years is a lot to work thru and its going to take time on his end to sort thru this. maybe he needs some space to come back andwork out the nasty details. it will allwork itself out, jus give it some time. he will call eventually, and if he doesnt, then he cant work out his emotions, which means your better off without him.

[flightymighty]

He might be wondering how you could do that to him!

 

I think you should calm down, realise that your actions have been pushing and pulling him every which way and decide for sure what you want.

 

If you want him, then send him a message, a calm and rational one, telling him you love him, that you want to apologise for anything you have done to wreck the relationship and that you want to reconcile properly.

 

That means good communication, fixing what was wrong without anger and recriminations and doing so in a spirit of wanting to please each other.

 

No drama, no anger, no demands.

 

Yes I understand. I have not contacted him for 5 days now and it's really hard but i felt better. Yesterday my mother called his phone by accident and he gave her the impression he was glad to be away from me. Do I continue no contact? Could he really be that happy after such a short while? Should i contact him?

[Hope75]

I would stay away and give him some time. You likely really hurt him with your actions, and the best thing for that would be some time and distance at this point.

 

Let him come to you if and when he's ready. You've pushed him and it hasn't worked out in your favor, so maybe back off and let him think about things and decide if this is worth working on for him.

 

If not, you can learn from your mistakes in the relationship and apply them to your next relationship.

[DN]

I agree with no contact providing that he is aware that you are sorry for what you did, that you love him and that you won't do it again. He should know that you want him back and to work on the relationship calmly and properly.

 

If he does know that - then let him think.

[flightymighty]

I agree with no contact providing that he is aware that you are sorry for what you did, that you love him and that you won't do it again. He should know that you want him back and to work on the relationship calmly and properly.

 

If he does know that - then let him think.

 

yeah, yeah.....I explained that to him in a long e-mail six days ago but still no response. How long do I wait and how do guys think in this situaution? Do I send him one more e-mail or just wait?

[DN]

Wait at least one more week.

[flightymighty]

He might be wondering how you could do that to him!

 

I think you should calm down, realise that your actions have been pushing and pulling him every which way and decide for sure what you want.

 

If you want him, then send him a message, a calm and rational one, telling him you love him, that you want to apologise for anything you have done to wreck the relationship and that you want to reconcile properly.

 

That means good communication, fixing what was wrong without anger and recriminations and doing so in a spirit of wanting to please each other.

 

No drama, no anger, no demands.

 

It's been six days and he still hasn't called and I'm going insane. At this point I feel he will never talk to me. Do I break NC and what is going on?

[DN]

Try and avoid going insane - instead have some patience and wait.

[flightymighty]

Try and avoid going insane - instead have some patience and wait.

 

Wait for what?

[DN]

Wait longer to see if he contacts you. Give him space and time.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN. You've overstepped your boundaries already, calling and calling when you were the one who asked him to move and and that you wanted space.

 

Now it's your turn to give him some space and learn to let go of the control and be patient.

 

It's hard, but this is the consequence of your actions.

[flightymighty]

I agree with DN. You've overstepped your boundaries already, calling and calling when you were the one who asked him to move and and that you wanted space.

 

Now it's your turn to give him some space and learn to let go of the control and be patient.

 

It's hard, but this is the consequence of your actions.

 

yes i asked him to move but we were not intending to break-up.....just get physical space. The point is we had plans that night and he just didn't call, shut off his phone and now it's been a week. I am confused because he said he was willing to work on it.

 

Also, the e-mail I sent him the next day after not answering was beautiful. Why can't he respond to the e-mail and say something like, "IT"S OVER!" Why nothing? Yesterday felt good but today i started all over again. When do I try again? Or do I? This is so difficult. I feel like I am losing him for good.

[flightymighty]

Wait longer to see if he contacts you. Give him space and time.

 

I am finding it really difficult to wait - weak moment. Do guys get over things that quick? Also, think there is someone else in the picture?

[DN]

Some do and I don't know. But I am fairly sure that if you pressure him too ealry you will drive him away.

[acuraman]

You asked him for some space and now it seems that you are regreting your decision to have him move out. You are going to have to live with the decision you made in regards to him moving out and not punish yourself for that action.

 

Give him some time to process this situation and let him call you. You need to stay strong and not call him at all or have any contacts with him. Going N/C is the hardest thing to do, but it must be done so that you don't appear needy or clingy, plus it gives you time to think about things clearly so that when he does call you, you won't get emotional again.

[flightymighty]

so that when he does call you, you won't get emotional again.

 

It's been a week since I have called or e-mailed...how long does it take a guy to crack and call? Any idea why he is doing this?

[acuraman]

Its hard to say when he will break down and call you because every guy/girl is different. Some people take a week or two, and others take months or maybe they won't even contact you again. It all depends.

 

I think that when you wanted him to move out, you hurt him pretty bad because you didn't consul with him or ask him for his input into the relationship. It seems that you pretty much took things into your own hands and that caused him to be distant with you.

 

Its hard not to be clingy because it shows that you are weak and it also portrays to your b/f or ex that you can't live without them.

 

I have been through N/C and I am a firm believer that it works. It will only work if you stay focused and not stray off and call him. If he calls you, then the two of you have a lot to work on in the relationship. IF he doesn't, then you will have to move on and its his loss. Give it time, as more days pass, it only gets easier.

[flightymighty]

K...it's been 9 days since he called or replied to my e-mail.......if I don't go here I will call him....been tempted many times.

 

Have I blown it? When do i send the final e-mail or last call?

[Hope75]

I don't know... you send him an email telling him how you felt and that you were sorry, right?

 

I don't know what sending another one will do that sending the first one didn't. He knows how you feel.

 

What do you think it will accomplish?