Reading him?

[shorty20]

wow.. it seems liek every day I have something else to post. All of y'all that answer my posts and help me out are awesome. It seems as though I constantly have problems and drama going on, and you guys keep me sane So, i guess here's my problem. I really like this guy. We've been dating for about a month or so. It's so hard to read him though. I mean... he calls me every night, and we interact daily, whether it's through email or phone. He makes an attempt to see me at least once or twice a week. He just dosen't give me the verbal assurance that he's in this with me. That he's interested in me. I know thats hard for guys, but with the way he acts and then what he says (or dosen't say) just confuse me. Like, last night, he made plans with me for after he got off work (9:00) to watch a movie. He didn't call me unitl like 9:45 so I just figured he got off work late... and then it turns out he actually got off at 8 and was just messing around with his friends, went to the store... just messing around when he knew I was waiting for him. Then while we were in the car, he asked about a mutual friend (neither me or him really talk to her anymore, accept I do through email sometimes) and I mentioned she said to tell him hi. He kinda got weird and said "so I take it she knows we've been hanging out?" I said that yes, because she asked me to chill her last night here and I told her I was going to be with you" I asked him if there was a problem, adn he said no.. he just didn't know how she would react when she found out we were dating. I let that go. Then we watched our movie, and I got my shoes on to leave ( I read a post on here that you should understay your welcome to keep them guessing and keep them on their toes) and he's like "i see how it is... just leave me hanging" so I stayed until like 1, and we talked and stuff... so I guess I just am having a hard time reading him. Does it sound like he's into me? Please, if you guys can tell anything by what I've written here, I'd love to hear your feedback... if you need anymore details let me know. thanx guys!

[kellbell]

Hey there Shorty,

 

I think I was the one who suggested the understaying your welcome bit. When he said, "yeah, just leave me hanging.." Say, "No I am not leaving you hanging, I have to get going, it's getting late and I have to do something in the morning. I had a really good time and I will give you call later." That's all. You have to create those boundries. He pouted and you gave in and stayed until 1AM. Don't let people push you around. He is not going to work hard for your affection and time because you are making it way too easy for him. Next time this comes up, just say, "good night, gotta jet, talk to you later." Plus, why did you give in so easily after he dinked around for almost hours? That in my opinion could have been enough ammo for you to leave when you wanted. Boundries, girl, boundries. You won't know if he's into you when you give in, don't have a backbone, and make things too easy for him. If he is into you, then he will work hard for your attention and go out of his way. If you do have a backbone and he gives up on you and doesn't try for your time, then no, he is not into you, except maybe for one thing. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[shorty20]

so I need to keep him guessing? See I hate playing those games cuz I'm always afraid I'm going to take them too far, and make him think i'm not into him or something.... whats wrong with just being yourself? Then if it dosen't work out at least you'll know you did all you could, right?

[Ecoastgirl]

WOW! I lurk here a lot reading posts. but this post hit me because I am having the same exact issue. The problem with my issue, however is it is an LDR. So that makes it that much tougher. My guy does the same thing to me, and has even used that phrase "oh yeah, just leave me hanging". It is as if I am the only one that is supposed to follow rules.

 

The problem also is that he never ever EVER tells me how he feels. Just tells me not to worry about it. This is not an answer! He gives every indication that he is totally and completely into me, by actions. Sends me gifts, talks about "we" when buying things. "should WE buy this, should WE do that". The words, however are not there. I ask him what it is we have going on and he will say "I dont know" or "we will see".. UGGGGG. He will never give a straight answer and even jokes that I will never get a straight answer from him. This has been going on for several months now.

I would just like to know.. from his mouth, what I am, or mean to him and he just wont give me that.

[kellbell]

Hon, it's not playing games. It's setting boundries for yourself. You clearly for whatever reason did not want to stay out late initially but you gave into his pouting and guilt trip. You went against what you wanted to do and gave into what he wanted. And understaying your welcome is not playing games, it's protecting your self AND it's allowing you not to lose yourself in the relationship. By doing what the other guy wants simply because you don't want to rock his boat or lose him is losing yourself in the relationship. You need to do what you want and meanwhile, get to know him too. I am telling ya, making things way too easy and letting yourself be too available especially in the beginning of a relationship is a one-way ticket to heartache and pain.

[Ecoastgirl]

I apologize shorty if im jumping in your thread and asking questions. feel free to slap me

Kellbell.. may i ask you something? I notice in your post that I have done exactly that. Catered to this man, and have always been available to him. He however has left me hanging on many occasions. We have known each other for about 10 months, and this is the norm. I realize that I have handled this relationship all wrong out of fear of losing him. I lost myself into this and need to change that. It HAS cuased heartache mainly becuase he has never TOLD me how he feels. My question to you is, how can I change now? how do I find the strenght, and how do I go about it? carefully? slowly? I dont want to just do a complete 180.

[kellbell]

Girl, I feel ya! I made those same EXACT mistakes when I was younger, if I only knew more then what I know now.

Those questions are very valid. I guess, try to understand how human nature works. No one likes a pushover. Ever notice at a job when you have a manager who tries to be everyone's friend, cater to all the employees, he or she gets pushed around and you don't respect him or her? On the other hand, when a manager has a backbone, sticks to his or her guns, you respect him or her more and you want to work for them and even feel safe being his or her employee. Well, it's kind of the same thing in a relationship.

Try not to do a 180, take very small steps. Like in Shorty's case, a small step would have been her saying to her new fellow, "look it's late, gotta go, talk to you later." Then remember how GOOD it feels to take charge and be in control of what YOU want. Try it. Someone once told me and it has some truth in it, saying no to someone probably does not bother the person as much as you think it would. A man loves a challenge and somewhat likes the thrill of a chase, but not to crazy chasing. Just enough to sustain attention and curiosity. When you put yourself first in some cases, then you will be the most happiest, thus having the full capability of making others happy in the meantime.

[Ecoastgirl]

ty Kellbell... I will try, but damn it is going to be hard. He has a way of punishing me when I do something out of the Normal. Case in point. I was unable to take calls for a 24 hour period, and during this time He called about 6 times and left 3 text messages. By the time I was able to return the call he ignored me completely and would not talk to me for 3 days! After explaining why I was unable to take calls he was fine and totally charming. But I ended up feeling like it was all my fault and it was not.

 

I am unsure if this is fear on his part that he does this, or just childishness.

[shorty20]

well I do somewhat keep him guessing. Especially with the fact that alot of my friends are guys, I probably have him wondering all the time, because there's been numerous times he's called me that I'm with a guy friend. I asked him if that bothered him, and he told me he trusts until he's given a reason not to trust. I'm sure he still wonders what we do though, because I give him little to no details about who I hang out with and what we do. I just rather not bother him with the details of who i'm with all the time and such unless he asks about it. I really have nothing to hide... he's the only person I'm dating... but I think it keeps the guy on his toes if he knows you hang out with more of the opposite sex than just him. Last night, I didn't have anything to do when i was leaving. What I took from your statement of understaying your welcome is to not always be there until you HAVE to leave... just to keep him guessing. The whole thing with him not calling till 9:45 I think we both do it to each other at times. I've been hurt so many times by guys in the past that for now, my friends come before any guy. I told him this from the very beginning that my friends are very important to me and I'm not about to start ditching them to see him. He said he was glad, adn that he was the same way. That being said, we both knew coming into this that we would both take time out for our friends, even if it meant cutting back on our time together occasionally. I think it's imortant to have a balance. It only made me a little irked because it just seemed liek he took his sweet time on calling me, when he knew I had every intention of coming over as soon as he got off work.

[FCTex]

I dont have much to say on this topic. It's interesting.. Sounds like me right now!!

 

Trust me.. he's wishy washy. I am right now too.

 

 

Anyways, I just wanted to say the idea of the "understaying" is great. I've always done that.. unintentionally, but boy, do the results really work great.. Now that I know it, I need to do it intentionally!

 

Great topic.

[Jadtt]

Shorty,

 

My only advice is to chill out, stop worrying, don't overthink and go with the flow.

 

I've had problems in my relationships when my brain was running on overdrive.

 

I've learned something in my life....our thoughts create our reality.

 

I'll say that again....our thoughts create our reality.

 

If you become worrisome or overthink, you're subconscious will pick that up and you'll start acting on those thoughts. Just take it easy and don't worry if he is or isn't interested. Just go with the flow and relax and let it happen. If he ends up not being interested, oh well...there are so MANY good guys out there.

 

I just got out of a relationship where I was constantly trying to read the guy and constantly worrying. Every single negative thought I had happened....every one of them, and it was pretty bad. So, now...I just remain positive and let it all happen. And, let me tell you....it is working out EXTREMELY WELL!!!

 

Hey, if you ever need any suggestions on how to keep the worrying/overthinking part at bay, PM me.