Dying Inside...

[volution]

I just can't take it anymore... I'm at my total and utter wits end mentally, physically and spiritually...

 

I cannot see any kind of future nor redemption in this lifetime.

I do want to kill myself, but I can't because it would destroy my close family and I do still have some remants of feelings left.

 

My spiritual heart is totally broken and smashed. I've lost most of my dreams and hopes.

I was born with a heart murmur, and my physical heart is also suffering quite badly - the last day it has been hurting quite badly - I think I might get a heart attack quite soon.

 

I only care about love, I always have done. But it is so far away now, and I am so trapped in this quagmire of poo.

 

I work in a badly paid job, and have no hope of ever moving out from my family. I get so immensely stressed out in my job; sometimes sitting for up to 4 or 5 hours a day, driving up to 100 miles in rush hour traffic.

 

I cannot give up my job because I have a loan.

 

I found my twin flame earlier this year only for her to choose some piece of utter stinking rectum on the backside of humanity instead, and now little hope of ever being with her.

 

In the evening, I have nothing but masturbation to look forward to - hollow and empty.

 

I'm so exhausted because of my job (and my depression), I hardly ever do anything at weekends or evenings apart from use the computer or watch TV.

 

I've been to the doctor and psychiastrists, psychologists and a counsellor. They were all an utter and total damn waste of time.

 

I've self harmed, cutting and using a hammer to try and destroy my physical heart further.

Bitterness and despair are my constant companions - sometimes I just can't take it anymore and have destroyed thousands of pounds worth of my own possesions because I just can't keep taking it out on my body.

 

I try my best to find some echo of a shadow of a glimmer of a reflection of a spark of light and hope - but everything that happens day after day only serves to reinforce the blessed life I have and wipes out any positive thing as quickly as it arrived.

 

All this and more only adds to the depression I have been suffering for over 10 years.

 

 

All in all, a pretty damn good life anyone would be willing to swap their eye teeth for...

 

I don't know what to do... I don't think there is anything left...

 

I just wish I will go to sleep one night and not wake up...

[xo_fallingangel_xo]

i'm so sorry that you feel awful right now...*hugs* i hope that life picks up its pace for you soon. i often find that when i want to die, what i'm actually feeling is that i want to live, just not in the current state of conditions my life is in.

take care

[darkblue]

At least you are a good writer.

 

What meds are you on for depression?

How long did you try therapy/ seeing a psychiatrist?

[volution]

I am not on any medication - I never have been and never will.

Though I'm not sure of much these days, one thing I do know is medication does not cure depression. It is just like any other illicit drug, it will give you an artificial high and either hook you for life, or cause you to commit suicide or do something drastic once you stop taking them...

 

Depression is a malaise of the soul as well as the mind.

I did go and see a powerful spiritual healer in London a couple of months ago, but I came away feeling not much better...

I've got every self help book, tape, CD, DVD you can think of - I just don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this

 

Part of me does want to live - at the moment I'm just existing.

Is it so hard, is it so damn wretched hard, that one day I might just have a cause to live for again? All I ever wanted is to love someone - yet even that seems too much for the universe to organise...

I know I have low self-esteem and my confidence is pretty dire - I don't even have one woman as a friend...

All the experiences I keep experiencing just grind me down and down and down and down and down and there will be nothing left soon, I will be just a zombie, walking ambivalently around, not even existing...

[summer_in_greece]

A good way to help yourself may be to help others. Maybe you could join some sort of charity. Here are the benefits of such an approach:

 

1. YOu have something else to think about other than your problems.

2. You have something to look forward to other than mr. M.

3. You will make a lot of friends with your other charity workers.

4. You will be able to fulfill a passion in your life.

5. You will be able to help other people, and identify with them also.

6. Your life will be more meaningful.

 

Maybe there is some homeless shelter, or Aids help center, or a place that helps animals. Try going to a community center and seeing where you can get involved. I am sure that there are a lot of people there who will make your life much happier.

[PavPPZ1]

Hey man,

 

I think you need to build up your self confidence, by this I mean that you need to believe in yourself. You need to enhance your better qualities, and work on becoming a stronger and better person. In this I mean standing up for yourself, this girl left youbecause you seem not to hold any self respect for yo0urself. All I hear from you is self pitty, you really have to be strong. Do not look for fault in your surroundings but inyourself. Life is about survival of the fittest, there is very much truth to that. Never give up never surrender, or you will prove to havebeen the weaker. Moveon and stay strong, you have so much more when youstill have breath in your body.

 

Good luck!

[Shadows Light]

Hey man,

 

I think you need to build up your self confidence, .... this girl left youbecause you seem not to hold any self respect for yo0urself. All I hear from you is self pitty, you really have to be strong. Do not look for fault in your surroundings but inyourself. Life is about survival of the fittest, there is very much truth to that. Never give up never surrender,

Good luck!

 

PAV has a good point.. quit feeling sorry for yourself. The most least attractive quality in a man..or anyone for that matter is ..WHINING and SELF-PITY. STOP!!! If you really want to improve the quality of your life... then you will IMPROVISE/ADAPT/OVERCOME... humans are so very versitile and ingenious.

 

Instead of sitting at home on a Saturday night... go to the local coffee shop. Walk there if you have to.. the endorphin kick from the exercise is good for you.. kicks in those happy hormones. Walk to your local library...and instead of self-help books, start looking at books on different hobbies. Pick a topic any topic..and learn all about it. Imerse yourself in knowledge and learning. Whatever you learn is great conversation starters... for instance with whom ever you may meet at the coffee shop.

 

Volunteer. As one of the posters said above...volunteering has many high points. Gets you out of the house. Gets you to meet people. Gets you to see.. HOW your life is FABULOUS in comparrison. Gives back to the community ..and helps you make friends.

 

JOB.. ok.. so you are in a dead end job. What are you going to do about it except tell me you can't find a job. Sure you can. Keep trying. Keep looking. What are you good at??? What would you like to do??? well.. on your trip to the library... start looking up information on the type of job you would think you'd consider a DREAM JOB.. and do research on that topic.

 

EXERCISE... you are opposed to medication for depression. WANT to take it the hard way eh??? OK.. then thats like mountain climbing without gear.. taking things the hard way. OK.. then. Go for walks. Go for jogs. Go to the gym. Buy a bike or borrow one. Get the happy endorphins kickin in. Get plenty of rest. Eat a nutritious diet..and make sure you are getting proper vitamins. Don't know what you need.. research it...

 

When I say research it... I say that ..because if you have a goal in mind.. then you'll look toward it. And by researching and learning new things, it gets your mind OFF of negativity.

 

3x5 cards.. plastered all over your home. Positive reinforcement messages.

 

Change your living space. Move the furniture around. Paint the room... get yourself a PLANT to take care of. Change it up... these type of changes help in getting your mind off the doll drums.. and off NEGATIVE thoughts.

 

Get yourself a calendar... and on that calendar.. PICK a day.. ONE day out of the month... that you will visit a museum, a park, a local site.. or a relative. OR.. maybe on that day/night.. you cook a meal. Something you've never cooked before. Something you've picked up out of a magazine.. out of a cook book (at the library) cook a meal. set the table with linens. Get out your best china and crystal. Call a friend over. Call a neighbor over. Have someone over.

 

The point is.. to QUIT lamenting.. and start DOING. Pick up a book called.. Lifes Simple Abundance. There are tonz of things to be greatful for .. tonz of things that are good in your life. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect.. but we all have lots to show gratitude about. Remind yourself of those things when thoughts start creeping in about how bad and sad things are. Start looking at how GREAT your life is.. you don't live in a home with DIRT FLOORS do you??? You don't have to walk 5 miles to get clean water for your family???? You have eaten today right???? You are articulate and you can READ and WRITE... whoooo hoooo.. you are way ahead in the GENE POOL.. I'd say you were doing pretty darn well. Wouldn't you????

 

No one likes a downer. Pick yourself up. and you keep picking yourself up. I speak from experience dear heart. I do it everyday. I keep picking myself UP. And I keep climbing. No one is going to help me. No one is going to do it for me. If I help myself.. and I keep getting up.. then I know.. that one day, I'll look up beside me.. and there I will see a man doing the same thing. Picking himself up..and journeying ON.

[Itsok]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough spot.

 

Do you really feel that your life is complete and utter hell? I'm sorry to sound rude, but stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and get out and make some changes! Mentally, physically and spiritually.

 

# 1: Go out and get some hobbies! If your ex broke it off, that means she wasn't the one. There's only about a zillion other women who might be...and only one way to find out. If you're out there, you might meet her!

 

You obviously have some taste if you are using that picture under your name. Do you ever pursue your interests?

 

# 2: Get looked at by your doctor and explain what's going on and that your heart is hurting literally. Get checked over and make sure things are still tickin.

 

# 3: Anyone who says counseling doesn't work, isn't seeing the right counselor, or doesn't want it to work. Everything in life is based on your perspective alone.

 

# 4: Watch "Gallaxy Quest." NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!

[volution]

I'm going to try and see the doctor sometime this week - I want to be checked out physically to see if there is some kind of chemical imbalance or hormonal reason for my deep dips into depression.

 

I know I need help of some other kind to help improve my confidence, and my self-esteem. There is a negative voice in my head all the time, it sabotages all the good things I try and believe in.

I know most people manage to keep their negative critic under control, but it is just so amplified in me, it almost takes control of me and takes me under.

 

The deepest fear I have is that of not having someone to love. I never really have had a proper relationship with anyone.

I've never known a touch or look or embrace of real love.

 

I've believed that there are hardly any people out there that feel and care so deeply as me; so that when one comes along I cannot let go, I fear that I will never find one like that again.

As I said earlier before and previously there was a very deep and beautiful lady on here that I connected with, the things we shared and believed in were so utterly profound. I'd never encountered such a person in my life before. But they were and still are trapped in some dreadful darkness of abuse, and no matter what I've tried I cannot seem to break through to them anymore.

 

If someone were to somehow help me believe that there are other women like her out there - with poetical souls and deep yearnings, with a desire for just one love in their life, for a relationship based on compassion, altruism, spirituality; to change the world together, to learn to teach, to heal, to discover, to dream, to hope, to love, laugh, cry together - then perhaps I wouldn't feel so bad as I do now...

 

I know they are so desperately few and far between.... That is why I hurt so much... I can't believe that fate would let our paths cross...

[darkblue]

Never abandon your hope. There are women out there that have all of those qualities and will do all those things by your side.

Don't give up on yourself; or the hope of finding her.

 

I'm glad you have decided to seek help - that is a good first step to recovery.

Remember and be absolutely honest with the doctor.

 

Therapy would not be a bad idea either. Sometimes it takes a while to find the one that you can relate to - but it is worth it in the end.

 

Take care.

[ailsagirl]

Volution, I've suffered from depression at various times in my life. Your description of it sounds very familiar. And while I agree with the advice of others here who are telling you that making changes in your life may change your outlook, I urge you to rethink the idea of taking medication.

 

There are various types of antidepressants and it's not known how all of them work. However some of them do affect brain chemistry in a demonstrable way, and so it is thought that depression might be the result of a "chemical imbalance" so to speak. You are mistaken if you think that the antidepressant will give you a temporary lift, and that you are sure to come crashing down upon discontinuing the drug. It's not my place to give you medical advice, but to encourage you to take advantage of whatever help is out there. Taking medication for months or years is, after all, far less damaging in every respect (healthwise, socially, morally) than killing yourself. Not only that, but they do work for most people, once the right drug is found.

 

I empathize with your pain and hopelessness I've been feeling it myself lately and that's why I'm here. Please don't give up on your chance for happiness. You might be astonished at how different your familiar life looks and feels once the depression has lifted and you can see clearly. I'll be thinking of you.