General advice: Take charge of your own life

[rnorth]

**** Note: This applies to the 'dumpee' and assumes that you want a chance at reconciliation ****

 

Okay so your partner broke up with you. You are desparate to get them back. You feel out of control and want to tell them that you will do ANYTHING to get them back. I tell you right now, THAT WILL NOT WORK.

 

My advice is to take your own life BACK. Take control. Enjoy your time to yourself and make yourself a better person. Think about your role in the breakup but also give yourself a break and remember that if you acted a certain way, you were responding to something that didn't work.

 

Catch up with friends and family.

Start a new exercise routine.

Do something you've been meaning to do and even if you wanted to share it with your partner, now do it for yourself.

 

In most cases the 'dumper' will contact the dumpee. Don't give them a tale of how you have been pining for them. Listen to them and be agreeable but END THE CONVERSATION FIRST. Keep it short, pleasant and stay away from relationship issues. Perhaps down the road there will be time to discuss it.

 

Get excited about being the best person you can be and being the person God loves and knows you to be.

 

If your partner shows signs of being repentent, don't just cave but don't be rude. Perhaps they ask for forgiveness. Perhaps they want to talk. Give them a 'whiff' that you might be interested in that, but don't jump to it.

 

I know some of this sounds selfish and many of us are so used to thinking of our partners before ourselves. THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY WE GET DUMPED. We have to be people who love ourselves first, take care of ourselves first in order to really express true love and take care of others.

 

Most of all, love yourself and expect to get the love you deserve whether from your 'ex' or from a new partner. This will happen from being an improved you.

 

God bless and best of wishes!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with you about some things and not about others. I was the "dumpee". My bf dumped me about two months ago. Right now, I really want a reconciliation with him. I miss him a lot

 

You are right in saying that if you tell them that you will do anything to get them back, if you grovel in front of them, beg them, etc., that it WILL get them back, because it wont. You are so correct in saying that.

 

You are also correct in saying you should take your life back and do stuff you like, because that does help you move on. It really does. And it helps you make friends and get out of the house.

 

I DO NOT agree with you when you say that many of us get dumped because we think of our partners before ourselves. I got dumped and it wasnt because I thought of him first before myself. I wasnt trying to do stuff to help him out, etc. I had lost my feelings for him and I pulled away, let him spend more time with his friends, less time with me, he chased me hard wanted me back, I did not know how to deal with my lost feelings for him so I let him go. Finally, when I was ready to work on things since I missed him, he dumped me.

 

The year before, I did care about him a lot, always put him first and wanted him to ALWAYS spend time with me. He got tired of that and felt smothered. He took a week break with me because he felt he lost his feelings for me. But, after a week, he came back because he missed me so much.

 

Now, I am the one who is crying and weeping and wanting to beg him back. He wont come back to me, I know that now. I am seething with regret about how I handled this whole situation.

 

It is hard to move on.

 

He will probably see me again because he still has my cell and he owes me a sum of money.

[OCD]

I agree, spilling your guts in front of them won't get them back...I do think you need to make it clear that you care about them and would like to work things out if possible. Is this the solution that will get your ex back?? Possibly, but it's the only way to get them back. You can't force them to do anything. That's where I'm at in this whole thing. I want her back more than anything and I told her that I cared about her and she said the same to me, but the timing wasn't right from what she said. She just needed a break. So how do I get her back?

[rnorth]

Ren, I agree that my advice is very general. It is not a blanket statement that covers each and every circumstance. But my suggestions probably still apply to you. I would add that in your case when you do have contact perhaps show a little more interest but also keep your boundaries clear.

 

Relationships are hard. I can imagine that you have told him how you feeled you have erred and communicated your wishes to give it another try. But you may also want to examine your own relationship patterns and ways you communicated.

 

Sorry if I can't give you a 'solve-it-all' answer. [/i]

[renaissancewoman101]

Rnorth, I do understand that your advice is very general. I am just still smarting from the whole breakup thing and it has been two months ago. It doesnt help that my best friend is moving away from here permanently next Thursday.

 

Yes, I have told the ex that I felt that I erred a lot and want to give it another try. I told him two weeks after our breakup when he let me come down to hang out with him and his buddy. That didnt turn out well because I got drunk that night and got into a full blown yelling match with the ex, to the point the neighbors almost called the cops on us.

 

I saw my ex last Thursday when I went to pick up something from him. He was cold and distant to me. He kept on telling me that life was going great for him at work that he was making lots of sales, etc. That he was hooking up with his friends, hanging out, etc. It seems as though HIS life is getting back together and he has gone on without me. I cant tell if he is blowing smoke to me or if that is really what is going on. We talked for a few hours, but he doesnt want to get back together with me. He says we are too different and come from two different worlds, and we dont think alike. I think he may have moved on. He is hanging out more and more with his friends, and he may have found a new love interest. Not sure about that. He tells me he wants to be friends with me but there is NO hope of us getting back together. (the time before that when I saw him at a Faire, he told me he wanted LOTS OF TIME AND SPACE from me but he was willing to see me two weeks later for me to pick up my stuff).

 

He will see me again, I think, because he still owes me about $1500 and he still has my cell phone that I am graciously still letting him use (I pay the bill) because I want some hope for us to get back together. I also want him to know I still care about him.

[the_dude007]

enotaloners:

 

This is fantastic advice. And it parallels some great stories and advice that you will see throughout this forum.

 

There are no easy answers. enotalone is not going to teach you HOW to get someone back to you. Or what the latest and greatest technique for reconciliation is.

 

What you will get from visiting this site is a support network of some really great people, who have been though what you are currently going through. Read their stories, go through their trials and tribulations. Some of these posters, like Juha, nataliejulie, SuperDave, Hope75, jenny_mcs etc etc etc have all gone to hell and back. READ their experiences and learn from what they've been through, so we all don't keep making the same mistakes and wondering why "your unique" situation didn't work out.

 

This is what I learned from this site:

- Don't worry about what you can't control.

- Go forward and get back to being yourself - take care of YOU.

 

Working on yourself is EXACTLY what you need to do. Because the minute you let go and truly get some perspective, you realize you've been wasting time focusing on the wrong things, and making the rest if your life incomplete.

 

I miss my ex dearly - she and I knew each other for years, got together finally last fall, and we had a really great time together. And maybe someday I'll have a great story to tell on enotalone either way. But right now I don't. I've pushed, I've stayed away, I've tried to move on, I've told her I loved her, and just plainly wondered why things haven't worked out for us. I've sent great periods of my work day back and forth to this site to look for another story that parallels mine, and try to get an easy answer.

 

What I haven't done is worry about me.

 

I'm at two months post b/u. It hasn't been easy. But seriously, if you look closely at why you are hurting, it not entirely b/c of your SO. The b/u exposed a hole in your life. Time to get that back, make changes that are good for you, and LEARN from this so that the next relationship works out, OR if your SO comes back to you, you are ready to handle things with a clear and recharged mind.

 

So rather than post so many "what do I do's" maybe take a read at some classic posts, and really try to learn.

[PavPPZ1]

rnorth, is very true in his wrods, you must move forward, and promote personal growth.

 

Ratinoalization is the key, your feelings are your enemy in the case of break ups.

 

Good luck