He broke NC 3 weeks ago. I didn't answer..but now...

[Maggy]

Hi. I wrote my story 2 months ago: link removed I am now living in a new country and have a new job. I didn't break NC and haven't seen my ex in 2 months, haven't talked to him in 3 months (we broke up 4 months ago). He sent me a text message 3 weeks ago, congratulating me on my new job and whishing me luck in my new life. I didn't answer, though I really, really wanted to. Now I have a new email address and a new phone number, and am pretty sure he doesn't have a way to contact me. But I have been trying to figure out ways to be sure he would have at least my email address if he wanted to.. just to see if he would contact me... I don't know why I would want this..but it's been on my mind for the last week. So, do you thing I should email a friend of his (I have a decent reason to do so), or just let it be? I guess I have been feeling lonelier now that I am living abroad and don't have many friends here...

[kellbell]

Let it be. You have come too far and worked so hard for where you are now. By you giving him your new address or email would show that your move to another country and new job was done in vain. Move on with your life once and for all. If he REALLY wanted to see you are find you, he will find a way. I just read your old post from September 1st, don't bother giving it to him, he was incredibly mean to you when you broke up and went on vacation with some chick he met at work a month after you broke up. Forget him. Congrads on your new job and your move. Stay strong.

[Maggy]

Thanks Kellbell. I know I have moved on with my life, and that that was exactly what I was supposed to do..but my mind hasn't moved on. I still miss my ex a lot... I have made everything I was supposed to do. I didn´t contact him, I didn't grovel, I just kept looking to move on. I even tried dating (it didn't really work). And that´s the problem. I did everything I new was the right thing to do..but it doesn't really work.

[kpow]

Maggy,

 

I think it has still been too soon== 4 months is not that long in terms of healing. I know what you mean about dating-- my biggest fear is that I won't find anyone else to date/love/enjoy being with, and I too have tried to see other people, but not felt "into it," all the while wishing I was with my ex. All I can say, though, is that I think the only hope for healing and moving forward, and eventually finding love again is to maintain NC, because every interaction with ex is only another opportunity to be rejected, and then getting set back weeks/months in our recovery. Stay strong.

[Echo]

Maggy...

 

Maintain NC no matter HOW hard it is..the feeling will pass believe me.

Everytime you think of breaking NC think about how nasty he was to you when he broke up with you. That's what I do..my ex was a complete

A-hole at the end..and THAT is what stays fresh in my mind when

I think of contacting him. I certainly did not deserve the way he treated me...I was NEVER mean or nasty to him. In fact I was TOO nice considering how he treated me..but at least I have nothing to regret by maintaining my dignity. I use him as motivation to improve myself..and leave him far far behind. When I think of him I work out harder...I am improving myself every day..knowing he is still the pathetic shmuck he was then. Remember..you have class and dignity..he does NOT deserve your time or attention ..EVER again.

[Maggy]

Well... I've been thinking about what you wrote..and I'm pretty sure I'll maintain complete NC. I won't even e-mail his friend. What kpow wrote about how feeling rejected again will just set me back was right .. and I don't want that! And echo..I guess you're right about maintaining our dignity. At least that's something I have to hang on to.. I did everything I was supposed to do.. I didn't treat anyone badly.. I didn't seek revenge or whatever.. I just kept on with my life. But if I ever feel tempted again (and I'm sure I will) I guess I'll just right another post.. thanks for your help.

[kpow]

maggy,

 

good for you-- let me tell you from personal experience (see my post) that any contact with ex is detrimental. Unfortunately I cannot cut off all contact b/c of my kids and visitation. Last night I saw him although briefly when he came to visit the kids. It SUCKED, I cried and cried once he left, and just felt so weak, sad, and missing him SO much. If I don't see him/talk to him, those feelings diminish eventually. So for you, if you have the ability to have complete NC, I truly believe it is the only path to true healing.

 

Someone told me to think of the ex like a drug, and addiction. When we are missing the drug/ex, we glamourize it-- think of all the great things it does, all the good times, etc. But after we use, and wake up hung over, we are full of regrets, and realize what bad choices we made. Now, I have never been a drug/alcohol addict, but I can still relate to this. My ex is an addiction for me, because I KNOW he is not right for me, that the problems we had while together will ALWAYS be there, no matter how much we "change." But that doesn't stop me from desiring, wanting, craving his presense.

 

I am no expert, obviously my journey has been fraught with difficulties, and setbacks. But I try to focus on the now, the present as much as possible.