Confused and need advice

[33yeargirl]

i don't know if there is an update but here's my take on it....i am a 33 year old professional...i NEVER text anything of great importance to a guy. but that's just me....i would strongly recommend you not contacting her at this point let her initiate....if she said she'd talk with you "next week" hold her to that - if you dont' hear then she is not honoring her commitments and that is not good. Don't rush it - she said she'd talk to you this week i assume and i wonder if she called or texted you.....

[Noggy27]

She did..

 

Well, she texted me. We have been pretty much having a text relationship over the last week., I basically gave up.

 

Truth is she is really leaving in January. She simply doesnt want to get attached to me and doesnt want me attached to her as it will interfere with her plans. She admitted it was selfish but it was a "I have to do this". She has got a job teaching foreign kids in another country. Was it an "excuse"? Probably, but I like to think she was being honest as she hasnt lied to me about anything before.

 

I tried convincing her to keep seeing me but realised I was being selfish. Problem was I got too fond of this girl and she realised this and got scared as she realised it was not a good time to get this deep with someone. A: she has recently been really hurt (came home to find her fiance in bed with her friend) and B: life decicion of moving away.

 

So in summary she liked me i liked her

she decided to move to another country and got the job

she went cold shoulder on me and tried blocking me out

I pulled and pulled and pulled and let go

 

Her final comment was that she hopes we cross paths again in the future when she is ready for a relationship, but she was prolly saying that to be nice.

 

I don't know if its true or not but I like to think she was being honest about it. Thing that bust my gut was the fact that someone could just blank someone out as it wasnt "conveniant" for them right now. I am really upset about this as the truth is I really liked this girl a lot and saw her as a dream woman. I am just scared I will never meet any of them again

 

So deleted her mobile number today and am trying to get her out of my mind. I pretty much guarantee a thousand pounds I won't ever hear from her again but who can blame her? I acted immature on this one and learnt lots of lessons.

 

Basically..

 

1: Think with your heart but speak with your brain not the other way round.

 

2: Be careful what emotions you show to someone you aren't very close to. It may scare them, I thought I knew her well but obviously not. In other words, dont get too comfortable too quick even if things are going great!

 

3: Relationships are like quicksand. When something goes bad and you get stuck in the sand the more you claw and kick to fight the deeper and faster you sink. Best bet is to just lie back and relax but instinct makes you fight for your life.

 

4: Stay away from people who have recently been hurt by someone ( I thought 6 months was enough but obviously not). They make rash decicions and can be cold hearted to protect themselves. If you do decide to take the risk go slooooooooooooooooooooooooooow as slow can get. Any sudden movements or changes can freak them out.

 

The thing that made me lose this battle was quite simple. The fear of losing someone I really liked and being shut out. I basically tried too hard and pushed her away screaming. Probably the same mistake most people do to be honest. I hope so anyway? Its kind of ironic. The more someone pushes you away the more you want to pull. The more you pull the more you push them away. Its like a magnet thats gone bipolar.

[33yeargirl]

i am sorry you are so sad....you seem to have a good heart and i am sure your girl did like you....sometimes timing is everything and it doesn't seem like it was the right time for you...i am sure she was honest. you will meet someone else...all of this will take time to heal...i know it's not easy - best of luck to you

[sibling295]

Noggy - check out all of diggitydog - fctex- pavppz1 posts - (not just from this thread)

these guys know what they are saying -

and honey 33yearold girl is right

"I dont EVER text anything of great importance to a guy" EVER

LET THIS BE CLEAR!!!!!

You will be alright man .

[Noggy27]

am sorry you are so sad....you seem to have a good heart and i am sure your girl did like you

 

yeah.. thanks. Thats my problem I have too much heart and not enough brain. I am the type of guy that runs into spears bearing heart every time.

 

I generally know what I am saying too. I can be a great adviser, its just a shame I dont follow my own advice and do the same mistakes myself hahaha. If I look at all the things I have done I just shake my head in shame.

 

ok so. Diggity was right. I guess I knew deep down he was right but as I said I didnt want to be cynical. I guess you can all give me the "I told you so's" now.

 

The thing that hurts me the most is that someone would have such a short fuse and drop me like a hot potatoe after such a small mistake. I mean, seriously. How would you feel if the person of your dreams drags you home one day and jsut blurts of the blue "oh by the way I am leaving the country soon and dont want to get attached to you" ? I mean... WTF?? Thats nasty man.. What a lead on! I feel like someone has taken me on a happy trip to the edge of a cliff and gone "having fun? Well jump!".

 

Yeah and I agree. The text thing was totally out of order.

 

ah well.. Wish there was a way I could reverse time and follow my own advice. Shame that something so perfect could blow over from just one small mistake.

[Dating Coach]

Noggy, I am not going to tell you "I told you so". It seems to me like you learned a lot from this experience, and that's what's important here. Yes you went against our advice, but sometimes you must find things out for yourself, just as I said to you when you first thought I was wrong about this situation.

 

You talk about learning things for yourself, but understand this is part of why a lot of us have called this one from the start. We've been here before. Some of us numerous times. That is why we have a large edge over people with no experience in dating yet whom think they know what they are talking about. The truth is that they don't know because they haven't been there before. Now you have.

 

So many of us thought that "she" was the one. We thought that "she" was different. We were wrong just as you were. Could it have been the one if you knew how to control your emotions and if you had the experience with this type of scenario? Maybe, but that no longer matters. What matters is what you learn from this experience and to make sure you employ what you have learned for the next time around.

 

As you said, it's okay to feel this in your heart but you need to temper those feelings with your mind. Control. That's what experience does. You train your mind to control and perfect what you do. When people without real experience in dating try to help you, it's the same as someone with no experience with cars trying to help you build an engine. They may think they are smart, but they really don't know what they are doing and if they try to help, it will blow up in your face.

[PocoDiablo]

You know, you were doing pretty good at the beginning, but I think communicating with her over text really kills things. At the most, you need to be setting up a date and then see her in person. Eletronic communication (phone/email/texting) really can be very damaging to a relationship, in my opinion, because there are no feelings - no human emotions - no contact. You need to be face to face to be in a relationship.

 

When she told you she was backing off because she was moving, I *personally* would have told her something like "Oh, really? I totally understand. Well, it was really nice getting to know you, and I hope you have a great future. I'm going to leave now, good bye." and I would have walked out. This was her way of telling you to "Be a man and dump me." Instead, you kept chasing her. That was desperate. Here she is telling you she was not going to give you any more energy, and you kept it up. If you had walked out, you would have left with some dignity. She basically slapped you in the face, and then you kept coming back for more. Shame, shame on you. At the first sign of disinterest, I recommend pulling back - at least a little - to see what she really wants.

 

Finally, your "relationship" seemed very boring. If I were her, I would not have wanted to be with you either. Why? Because all you were doing was talking about how you felt for her, your feelings, all that stuff. What, are you her therapist, her sister, her girlfriend? I should hope not. I never talk "therapy" with my GF unless it's really serious. Instead, I flirt, joke, do something intimate, romantic, spontaneous ... UNPREDICTABLE.

 

Really, you have to be a little bit of a mystery. If you are an open book and just talk about your feelings, I really do not know many women who are going to look up to you. They want - in my opinion - a strong man who can hold himself together, not fall apart like a little boy.

 

So, as Diggity said, what did you learn? At what point did she start backing away? What did you do - or not do - that contributed to that? If you got serious with her, that probably contributed to it. If you only texted her like a girlfriend, that probably contributed as well.

 

So, write her off like you did, and learn better for the next time. It's all about failing to learn.

[Noggy27]

Thanks guys that was really good advice.

 

Diggity, it wasnt a case of me being a man whos never worked on a car before trying to help other people with no clue on what I am doing. Its more of a I can fix cars really well thing except for my own. Hard to explain but i have been in dating scenes and many relationships before and always had control of them before quite well actually. This time was differant. I took all my own knowledge and advice and others advice and got blinded by feelings. In other words I lost control and started thinking with my heart

 

pocodiablo.. Your advice is sound mate and it really got me thinking. You brought up points that I have never thought of before and I ahve learnt a lot from them.

 

what I have to focus on now is that I will never see her again and thats the hardest bit to get over. That and the fact that I would do so many mistakes on things I know just too damn well myself are mistakes and I should of been a lot smarter than I was.

 

I just wish I didnt have to do all these mistakes with someone I liked so much

[Noggy27]

guys

 

Need some more of your expert advice...

 

She has sent me a birthday card now after a few weeks of silence and phoned me asking me if I wanted to meet up with her on Sunday for a Birthday brunch? She said she would call me back at the weekend to arrange a time.

 

I am guessing she is doing this out of pure guilt to be honest and just needs to do this to make herself feel better so that she doesnt feel like the bad guy for wanting me out of her life as she is travelling away.

 

What advice do you have for me? How should I act? To be honest.. I really miss her and have a lot of feelings for her. I dont want to freak her out and I guess the only reason she is wanting to make contact with me again was because the last time we spoke I wished her good luck on her travels and told her I supported her decision. She basically told me I was an amazing guy and that I was the guy she wishes she could find when she returns from her move away. She basically wasnt "ready to put her heart on the line after the split up" yet she said and especially not considering she needed to move away "something I have to do".

 

Thanks

[Dating Coach]

Yes, she is feeling guilty, yes that was her primary motivation in contacting you, no she is not changing her mind, and no you should not go to lunch. She assumes that you will simply go. She knows that you are wrapped around her finger and simply assumes that you will jump when she says jump-at least that's how it sounded when you posted what her message was.

 

If you contact her, just tell her that it isn't a good idea, you're trying to move on and for you it isn't as easy as it is for her. I am sure she will counter with how hard it is on her, but it doesn't matter. When you make a decision to move on, you must stick to that decision.