Seriously Testing My Resolve.

[mick8888]

Here's the situation: I dated this girl for 3 years (lived together for 2 of those years) and it was a very intense relationship. She broke up with me 2 years ago, but for a year afterwards we occasionally hooked up. Then, about a year ago she met another guy who lived in a different city, and six months ago she moved to that city to live with him.

 

The breakup has been really hard on me so I've tried to have no contact with her. The last time I saw her in person was in April, right before she moved, and it was really hard on me and set me back emotionally, as I thought I was doing well in terms of getting over her. So I hadn't had any contact with her whatsoever since then.

 

Here's where it gets tricky. In a seriously unfortunate series of events, her new boyfriend's mother was murdered last weekend. My ex's mom called me and left a message telling me what had happened and that my ex was really having a hard time and maybe I could send my ex an e-mail "because [my ex's mom] knows i still care about her and she could use the support..." It was awkward to say the least, because even though I don't wanna come off as cold and uncaring, I kinda feel like it's not my responsibility to comfort my ex when it's her boyfriend's mom, someone I don't know and stuff, who was murdered. Anyway, I sent a short e-mail offering my condolensces. This was yesterday. Now today, I find out that my ex is back here in town for 2 days to see her mom, and my ex called me a couple hours ago wanting to see me because she's feeling horrible and since "she still considers me a close friend," that it would help her a lot to come over and see me for a little while.

 

Thing is, in my own continuing emotional state over the breakup of our relationship (I know it's been a while since we split, but I'm still having a hard time dealing with it), I simply CAN'T see her, it would just hurt me too much. It hurts me to know that she's upset about what's happened to her boyfriend's mom, and I don't wish any pain on her or him or any of that, but I feel like I need to protect my own feelings, too. I kind of feel guilty about it, like I'm being selfish, and I'm just not sure what to do. I sent her an email a couple hours ago telling her I can't see her but if she wants to call again I would talk to her on the phone for a little while (which is still tough for me).

 

Am I doing the right thing? Should what's happened to her, and her feelings, supercede my feelings about our relationship? I just don't know what the right and best thing to do is...

[TiredMan]

Honestly? YES!. Don't see her. I wouldn't even honestly be comforting her. Was she overly concerned about how you are hurting when she moved in with this other guy? If she is with this other guy, it will help her to get support from you but will HURT you. She moved in with another guy. I mean that is telling you something. Just be strong.

[heloladies21]

Your ex's mom is screwed in the head for doing that. It's not your concern and she shouldn't bring you into it.

 

No Contact from now on would be the best thing you could do. It would let the feelings inside of you die down eventually and you'd be able to move on. It's not being mean, it's taking care of you. And your feelings are much more important than hers.

[DN]

It is her boyfriend's Mom that got murdered - last weekend. And the very next weekend she comes home to see her Mom and wants some comfort from you. Why isn't she with her boyfriend and comforting him - his mother was murdered seven days ago!!

 

Talk about self-absorbed. Does she have no regard for anyone's feelings except her own?

[mick8888]

It is her boyfriend's Mom that got murdered - last weekend. And the very next weekend she comes home to see her Mom and wants some comfort from you. Why isn't she with her boyfriend and comforting him - his Mon was murdered seven days ago!!

 

Talk about self-absorbed. Does she have no regard for anyone's feelings except her own?

 

 

I know, that's kind of what I was thinking, and when I found out about all of this yesterday I called my mom and told her, and that was her reaction -- "Why isn't she with her boyfriend right now??" I can only speculate, but i wonder if either she wanted him to have some space; that what happened made her think about her own family and she wanted to see her mom since she hadn't in six months; or, because she's got some mental issues (depression, etc.) she's really bad at dealing with this kinda stuff and felt the need to get out of an overwhelmingly tragic situation for a day or two. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, necessarily, but I don't know the whole situation (or even the nature of her relationship with her boyfriend; I have no idea if they are madly in love or on the rocks or what).

 

But that's a big part of my negative feelings toward her -- I've always thought she was a very selfish person. But in cases of life and death like this I'm usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean, she's not a HORRIBLE person. I just dunno ....

[mick8888]

Your ex's mom is screwed in the head for doing that. It's not your concern and she shouldn't bring you into it.

 

No Contact from now on would be the best thing you could do. It would let the feelings inside of you die down eventually and you'd be able to move on. It's not being mean, it's taking care of you. And your feelings are much more important than hers.

 

 

This is almost the exact same thing two of my female friends told me yesterday -- that her mom shouldn't have dumped this whole thing on me and put me in an awkward situation. My ex even acknowledged that yesterday in her reply to my short condolensces email thanking me for it -- she said it must have been weird for her mom to call me, and that her mom did it without her knowledge.

 

I guess that's my thing -- so many times I've put her feelings ahead of mine. I do that in general, and when I try to look out for myself I feel guilty or selfish ...

[DN]

Sounds as if both she and her Mom are very good at sending people on guilt trips. Like mother like daughter, maybe.

 

And even if you do see her - what are you supposed to say to her. "I feel really sorry for your bad feelings. I think your boyfriend's Mom was really selfish to get herself murdered and upset you like that. Her son should be ashamed of himself as well, I bet he expected you to 'be there' for him. How self-absorbed is that?! But don't worry, I'll make you feel better - here's my heart, you can take out your frustration on that. It won't hurt so much - it's gotten used to being broken."

[jna35]

I agree with the other posters. Your ex should be with her boyfriend and offering him comfort and support and her mom had no right to contact you and ask you to do that. Stay strong and let her be.

[mick8888]

Yeah, I feel really bad and really guilty, though, like that this is life and death and my feelings are petty compared to that. I dunno ... trying to stay strong about it, it's hard.

[DN]

Except it's not her life and death. She can't ne hurting that much for her boyfriend's sake or she wouldn't have left him at a time when he surely needs her the most.

[needhelp112692]

mick8888

 

I complete understand what you are going through. I am in simulare situation myself with my ex. Here is a brief summary. We were together for 11 years since we were in high school, engaged and living together. She left me for a guy who worked for her business. He ultimatley moved in with her and is sleeping on my bed. Fast forward 2 years to this day, she calls me up crying saying she isnt happy with him and misses me and is in a bad spot in her life(not working, lost her business, he owes her money, regrets leaving me). When she left me I was mentally and physically devasted ( to say the least) my whole world crumbled, she was my "best friend". Point is where was she when I was truley dying, not eating, lost 40lbs,crying ,not being able to move(literally)....she was f*&king some other guy, not caring about me.

I know it is hard but you have to protect YOU at any and ALL costs. I know you want to be there for her and help her cause you care and love her, but at what cost??? It CAN NOT be at the expense of your heart.....I am going through it now as I have said and all the people around me who care about ME say what I am gonna say to you.....you can't help or be there for her..you have to worry about YOU..no matter who hard it is...you have to worry bout you.

Once again I know it is hard but ultimately we all need to do what we have to , to protect our hearts..thats just a sad fact about life...I hope this helps alittle.....Chris

[mick8888]

Thanks, it does help a bit ... I guess it's just my "default" to want to be there for her ... it's weird, even if she were to call me one day and say she wanted to get back together with me I *really* don't think I would -- I've learned a lot of lessons and realized that our relationship was extremely intense but very unhealthy -- but at the same time I still feel like I want to be there for her when she's hurting. It's a really strange position to be in, and pulls me in different emotional directions. It would be so much easier to just forget about her, and even though I've had no contact with her for almost 6 months before the events of the past few days, I think about her every single day and I'm still hurting over the breakup. So yeah, I guess I just have to protect myself at all costs, because what is there to be gained otherwise? I wish I could be at the point where i am completely over her and could just be her friend without any of those residual emotions, and thereforeeee be able to be there for her as a friend, but I just can't do it now.

 

A big part of the problem for her, I think, is that she really doesn't have a lot of friends -- she's distanced herself from a lot of people, and now that she lives in L.A. I seriously doubt she's developed any good friendships down there or kept in touch with people from here, so I think she sees me as really her only "close friend," someone who knows her extraordinarily well, in this city (or maybe anywhere). But I don't think she understands how bad she hurt me and how hard it is to be her "close friend" -- right now it's damn near impossible, and I don't know if it will ever be possible (maybe *years* from now...)