Overcoming Arguments?

[Kurodashi]

I can't stop arguing with my ex. Now I was at first a little reluctant to make a post about this, as I just assume most of the replies will be "No contact!".

I've already made the decision that I want to be friends with him.

So Il just make it clear now that Id like advice with how to deal with these arguments.

 

Quick recap of things:

- 1 month into the relat he had a one night stand. I thought it was just kissing. Forgave him.

- 1 year after this I found out about it and broke up with him.

- 6 months later, after becoming good friends again and dealing with it (but not being his gf!! lets get that clear.) I found out he had bragged about the girl he slept with because she was hot, in a chat log.

-I got distraught so I left the state and cut him off trying for No Contact.

- About 2 months later, when I got to my desination in the desert, I missed him like mad and broke NC.

- We both organised that when I got back home we would see a couciler and make our friendship work again.

 

Now I know hes a jerk, dont get me wrong. But as a friend he was fine. The only issue we had was infedelity and him lying about other girls. Apart from that he was completely open and honest with me more than anyone else. We've both come to understand our situation, and he accepts that I dont trust him.

He told me he is more than willing to work on the trust issues. Now almost everytime we talk well argue, then hell *nsinuate* its all my fault. He doesnt directly say it because he's passive aggressive.

 

Like today for example, he called all my friends "judgemental a**holes" because they didnt like him (and they dont like him because he cheated on me!). I stood up for my friends, and we argued. Then he made it out like it was my fault.

 

 

Do you think counciling is a good idea or should we stop talking so often and leave it at aquaitances? In general we have good times together and enjoy each others company, just now and then we but heads because theres no trust there, and hes always got his guard up, thinking Im attacking him.

 

I also have my birthday coming up soon, and if I invite him my other friends wont have fun. But if I dont invite him itll be a real blow and really hurt him.

 

I really dont know what to do about these arguments and how to overcome our differences.

One last thing - can anyone recomend some good books that might help?

 

Thanks for reading all this!

[DN]

If you just want him as a friend what is it that you have to trust about him. He lied about infidelity - but he can't be unfaithful to you now because you are not b/f and g/f, you are just friends.

 

I also feel it is a little unfair of you to expect him to like your friends if they don't like him.

 

This friendship is unlikely to last if you are constantly sending him on guilt trips about what happened before. Either forgive and forget or let him go as a friend because what you have now is not working.

 

I also suspect that neither of you want a friendship as such but you really want to get back together as a couple and are too stubborn, afraid, non-trusting or whatever to admit it and do it. I may be wrong but that is the impression I get.

[Kurodashi]

Thanks for the advice DN

Its extrememly hard to not give him guilt trips and remind him of the past all the time, simply because I have my friends and family telling me how horrible he is all the time. *sigh* It isnt fair, Il be the first to admit that.

 

He can dislike my friends though, I just dont see the need to abuse them like that. he doesnt even know them...

 

I have a feeling he might want to be more than a friend one day. Maybe hes only being my friend because he has an alterior motive. But its sincerly in my interest to be friends with him. I would not date a cheater. And I honestly doubt he could change that about himself.

[Jinx]

If you still care to associate with him I don't believe friends is the word you need. Acquaintances is more fitting. Friendship in the true sense is when you still are loyal, respectful and trustworthy to a person. Until those aspects are built up, or if they are lost in such a case it isn't a friendship. It is just acquaintances unless it can improve.

 

Secondly, I believe you two will need some degree of NC. If he is passive aggressive and you're still arguing with one another it means the romantic like/love gap is still present which does no good. I don't see how you two will even co-exist with one another long enough to be "friends" if you can't be calm and respectful. As much as you don't want to hear NC, something needs to give.

 

As for the birthday, I think you'll have to make a choice (A) friends, (B) him, © or nothing. Some group or individual will just have to be very displeased. Either all the friends because he is there and hated, him because he didn't come because he is hated, or you because there couldn't be a reasonable decision between the two.

 

Counseling, I'm having problems seeing this. I would only say this if you expect something more than friendship in the future again. Counseling is not a low budget affair unless you've got connections to a program which helps with expenses, but I don't believe in this case it would be covered by any I know about unless you two, again, planned to be a pair.

 

I've seen situations like this before. Infidelity, Lies, Pain to partners, they swear to be friends. Woman is disturbed by it and won't give it a rest. Man is passive aggressive and attacks at every instance. Man and Woman cannot continue contact. Man and Woman take social break, meet up months later and it is smoother. I haven't see many other successful ways of handling it.

[Kurodashi]

I agree with you to a point Jinx. I do this NC apart does help things get smoother. Problem is, it already is alot smoother than it was.

If you consider its been almost 10 months since we broke up, and 2 of those months we weren't even talking. I dont care for him as more than a friend, in fact I feel weird even thinking about him in that way.

 

But you're right, yeah. This is like acquaitances. It's disappointing because before we dated we were great friends too. I guess if I was wiser I would have said no to dating him, but you cant read the future hey.

 

As for the party, I decided to not invite him originally and it started more arguments, I just feel like I cant win. Maybe Il run NC past him. Im pretty sure if he knows itl help resolve things hell do it.

To give him some credit, he is quite willing to work these issues out.

 

As for councilling, its paid for buy the government here because we have medicare. So that shouldnt be an issue.

[Jinx]

As for councilling, its paid for buy the government here because we have medicare. So that shouldnt be an issue.

 

Hm, true it could be. I'm not an expert yet in Counseling and Therapy payment systems, but I do believe there are limitations. Where I am there is anyhow. That is what I was concerned about. If I'm correct it will only cover particular situations and specific criteria must be filled before it can be approved. I've read a good deal of articles which are aimed at the fact of what therapy is covered and what isn't and standards which must be met by those requesting therapy and reasoning for it (depending on the program).

 

Certain programs don't even cover Marriage Counseling, much less Therapy which lacks an at risk mental health patient. Again, might be wrong and have to look this up, see about Medicare's policies. Be a learning experience if nothing else.