from casual to wanting more

[thinkgirl]

ok...

Been having causal sex with a man for about two years. (about once a month). I was coming out of a long relationship, and he was a friend. We both agreed and it is what worked for both of us. During the two years we have become very good friends as well. He calls me just about everyday, and we talk about everything. About a year ago, he started seeing someone...but we continued to have sex. (not looking for the you mean person you) anyway, about a two months ago after I saw him one day....i realized that i had real feelings for him. I thought about it, and decided to tell him that I had feelings, so the sex needed to stop. I did so, he agreed and said that he to was very attached to me and because he was not "ready" to leave his girlfriend he would respect my wishes. (i did not ask him to leave her) So since that time he continues to call me everyday, I do not call him. the topic is sometimes heart felt on his side, other times just normal chit chat. He calls me everytime he is on the way to his girlfriends house, and yes even called me while they were away on vacation together.

At this point I am not sleeping with him. nor do I plan to unless we are in a relationship. So...long intro for ...one looking for some honest insight on this situation, then looking for what to do now. Do I wait for him? Do I stop talking to him? Am i crazy to think he really is interested in maybe having more with me? And why does he keep such constant commuincation? and yes i am scared to ask him, for fear of running him off.

[SwingFox]

Hello Thinkgirl,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time right now. I understand that you have been seeing a man that you have now feelings for, but that he has a girlfriend and that you feel confused over what he is doing.

 

While staying in contact with him, he is on your mind constantly. Especially now that you have developped feelings for him. I compliment you for stopping having casual sex with you. I think that is a very good idea and shows self-respect.

 

I don't have any particular advice for you, other than that you will have to decide what it is you really want. Would you want to get together? In that case you might need to point it out to him and ask him to let go of his current girlfriend. Would you like to break away from him? Then I believe the best thing to do is to stop having contact at all, at least for a longer period of time. Would you like to continue that what you share now? I don't think you do, because then you wouldn't have come here in the first place. Think hard about all this and reach a decision. It will be hard to stop having contact with him, if that is what you will decide, but I can tell that time will heal your wounds.

 

I hope that this helped you on your way and I wish you good luck

 

~ SwingFox ~

[tobigahart]

Well I don't think he is being very fair to you. I don't think it is right for him to call you so often as it is undoubtedly making it much harder for you.

And if his feelings for you were strong enough, then he should never have even thought about staying with his current girl. It may not sound like the nicest thing to do but I think you really need to put some pressure on him to make up his mind.

You are waiting in the dark for him to make a choice. He should know this, and respect your happiness enough to consider how his actions are affecting you.

As for what to do? I would talk to him, tell him how you are waiting for him. Let him know that he can't lead you on like this any more and that he has to make a choice.

Even if the choice he makes does not involve being with you, at least you can begin the journey to moving on, where you will no doubt find true happiness with someone whom you can mutually love...

 

Best of luck, I hope you get what you want

[thinkgirl]

would love to hear more....

As a follow up, I do not think that I am feeling at all wounded. Talking to him does not upset me in the least. I consider him an important friend in my life. What I am confused about is "reading" his actions a little, and knowing how to procede. Not talking to him would gain me what? Does doing that help bring someone towards you? And really does him carrying on in a still loving way mean anything other than he is use to me in his life? And what would be the most "adult" way to continue? Any insight would be so helpful, even if just a thought