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I'm pretty glad I stumbled upon this site and after reading around for a while I figured that there were some good people here that could give me some direction. I've talked about my breakup incessantly with my friends so maybe a little oversight from strangers might help. I'll try to make this as short as possible but there are a lot of details too.

 

My ex of 1 1/2 years broke up with me a month and a half ago and ever since I've been an emotional wreck. The whole thing took me completely by surprise and happened out of the blue. Now I'm not going to pretend that we didn't have our problems or differences, but we had always seemed to have worked them out. We had just gotten back from a good vacation with her family and things looked like they were turning around for us. I finally thought we had reached a good level of understanding and communication with one another. Prior to that vacation we went to one of my best friend's wedding together and according to my friend she had told him that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had and the first one she'd ever truly loved. She is the first true love of my life and I really felt a connection with her. We literally hung out everyday and when we didn't we would at least talk on the phone. Over the course of one weekend she needed time to "think about stuff". I was cool with it and didn't really think anything of it so I gave her space. After not hearing from her all day one day and her not returning my calls, which was something she'd never done before, I became worried. So I call her up the next morning and she apparently was just waking up and dropped the bomb on me. She said she needed to be away from me couldn't have me in her life anymore. That she needed to figure stuff out. She didn't outright say that we were done, but she said that she might not come back to me. I of course was upset, mad, confused, etc. So, I left her alone and had no contact with her for 2 weeks. Up until this point this was the longest we had not seen or had contact with one another since the day we met. I simply couldn't take it anymore wondering what was going on so I broke down and called her. I wanted to see her face to face and she reluctantly agreed to see me at her job. She told me that she didn't love me as a boyfriend anymore and that she didn't feel that I was right for her and that she was happier without me in her life. I have no idea what made her feel this way or what happened over the course of a weekend to change her mind, but she certainly didn't act or do anything differently up until then. While she's telling me all this she couldn't even look at me and I asked her to tell me she didn't love me to my face, but she couldn't do it. I figured maybe there was someone else and pressed the issue. At first, she denied it, then said there was and finally looked me in the eye and said that no there definitely wasn't. Needless to say I didn't feel any closure and left with more questions than answers.

 

Being the persistent person that I am to seek out the truth, I tried e-mailing and calling her to find out more behind her reasons for not wanting to be with me. All I would get was the same generic response, "I've fallen out of love with you, I've moved on to other things, etc." Nothing that I was doing wrong or any serious issues in our relationship were brought up. The classic it's me not you BS. The thing is she was being as mean as possible to me; almost an anger in her voice I'd never heard before. It was like I was this horrible person to her all of a sudden that she couldn't wait to get away from. She kept claiming that she didn't want to talk or whatever, but would always call back or write back to me. She said I was pushing her away, but I kept trying to find answers. I felt that by her being nasty to me was pushing me away from her. She had always said she wanted to be friends with me if we ever wound up splitting up, but the way she was acting certainly didn't make me want to be anything to her. Anyways, I played it cool with her, didn't yell or get mad and tried to reason with her as much as possible. Nothing worked, but she said to send her an e-mail about everything I wanted to say. So I did. I laid it all out on the line. Told her why I thought things were working between us, why they were better, why we were so good together why I loved her and asked her to take a week and re-think everything and start over with me. She just replied with the same stuff as always. I'm completely devastated at this point. I can't make someone listen who isn't willing to. Nor can I change their mind. They have to on their own. I tried to provide a different perspective to her but she wasn't hearing any of it.

 

Anyways, I finally decided that I was going to do what I should have done in the first place which was leave her alone and give her space. I figured maybe she is just confused and unsure about herself and her life and got scared that we were so serious at such a young age (I'm 24 and she'll be turning 24 in a few months) and decided that running away from the issues will solve them. I decided to just let it go and move on as best I could. I had hoped beyond hope that if we had stayed single and didn't hook up with anyone else that maybe we could slowly get back into things. I still wanted to be with her and came to that conclusion a while ago. I knew she was right for me and she had always told me the same up until she decided to break it off. Hopefully the time off would reinforce those feelings.

 

Well this past weekend pretty much dashed all of those hopes. A couple of friends and myself went to a bar. I saw one of her co-workers and good friends there, but I didn't feel like talking to them because I had been playing with this in my head for the past month and a half now. I had a feeling that maybe she was into this guy friend of hers but my mind was set at ease temporarily when I didn't see her anywhere in sight. Later on, I see her best friend there, so naturally she can't be far behind. Her guy friend has at this point definitely seen me and my friends. She's sitting at the bar with some guy running her fingers through his hair and they begin making out. I absolutely cannot believe what I'm seeing. I know she knew I was there and was doing it to make me jealous or hurt me or whatever. As much as I'd like to go punch this guy's face in, I just walk away and leave. Disgusted, dejected, angry, hurt, you name it. It was one of my absolute worst fears come true. Later on that night she calls me at 3 in the morning, drunk, for reasons that I cannot even fathom. I called her out on what I saw and she just replied with a "So, I told you how I felt about you already, we're not together anymore." in a cold harsh tone. I inquired about the guy and she claims to have known him for 3 years now but just started dating him 2 weeks ago. I know this all can't be true since she wasn't being honest with me from the beginning. To be fair though, I asked around if she was seeing anyone about a couple of weeks after she broke things off and from I heard she wasn't. So who knows when she really started talking to this guy or going out with him. I'm completely crushed. On Monday, she sent me an e-mail saying how sorry she was and that she wishes she could make me feel better and apologized for calling me that night. I just don't understand why she's doing this. Could it be that she still has feelings and is trying to keep me close enough as a safety net? Or is she just trying to be as condescending as possible? I just can't believe she's already moved onto someone else already. I just want to know when this all started, mainly did it start when we were still together and she went to him once I was out of the picture, or did she just run into him by coincidence and start going out? I've met all of her guy friends before but I've certainly never seen this one before.

 

I know that you're all going to say just move on and forget about it, but I still have love for her and it hurts like crazy. I'm looking for some answers mostly about what happened or at least some theories. I don't want to hear from her and I will certainly not talk to her or respond to any e-mails if she does try to get in touch. I just have this feeling that she's just using this guy as a rebound (or maybe he's taking advantage of the situation) and when she gets bored or more likely, gets hurt by this guy she'll come running back to me once she realizes that I'm the right one for her. Of course that may never happen either, I just want to have the strength to push her away and move on.

 

Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to vent. There's other details to this story too, but I think for now I've covered most of my bases.

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I cant really answer for her, or come up with theories for what happened.

 

 

I'm sure the way she's acting, that she can't even answer those questions you have.

 

I have/had the same one man.

 

My advice, and I'm only suggesting this because your situation was pretty close to mine..

 

 

Go look up my Breaking Up Threads and my "I'm moving on, but not letting go" thread..

 

You might find some answers to confusing women who up and leave out of the blue.

 

Best of luck

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Trust me on this, you're better off not knowing now if she was with another guy while you were together. You'll be in for a world more of hurt if the answer is yes, and you'll be that much more paranoid about it in your next relationship (whether it's with her again or a new girl). Just leave that part of it be. I'm sorry for the pain brother... I know it all too well.

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FC, I read that thread of yours... good stuff....at this point now that I know she's moved onto someone else I honestly don't think I can go back to her if she came back. The very thought of her with someone else makes me cringe.

 

Rebel,

That may be the case, but I'm the type of person that likes the truth no matter what the answer is. Don't know why, just do. I've asked some of my friends that are girls and they say it was highly unlikely because of all the time we spent together. Literally everyday. And if we didn't we were on the phone with the option of hanging out always being there. Now I'm also not naive enough to believe that in the 2 or 3 days we didn't see each other that she wasn't with someone, but its not likely. I just want some more answers really.

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Your milking a dry cow..

 

You've come to realize that it's not for the better to work out. You dont want it, she doesnt want it.. Why do you need answers to something that wont affect you positively? If they are indeed not what you wanna hear, what does it do to find out?

 

In this case, and even in some of my own. What you don't know, doesnt hurt you, and what you pry into, will.

 

 

Leave it be.

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You say you're looking for answers or theories, and seem to want to know whether she was with someone while you were together. It's never possible to know for certain without her saying directly (and even then, you don't know whether it's true), but it's a very familiar scenario

 

Couple together, seem to be happy, completely out of the blue one partner asks for "space", or says their "confused" or something along those lines. A week or two pass, and the other partner is with someone else.

 

I've seen it a million times, and experienced myself once, and the vast majority of the time, the real reason for the breakup was not confusion directly (although I think it's true that the dumper does experience a degree of confusion in reaching the decision to end things), not needing space, not even anything about the person they were with (and in most cases, the happiness just prior to the breakup is quite genuine). The real reason was that encountered someone else, and they developed feelings for that other person without any conscious effort to do so, and those feelings quickly took over, and from that point on, the end of the relationship is almost inevitable.

 

It's sad when it happens, and very hard to understand even objectively, but it's very common, and seems to be what's happened here. To answer your questions directly, then, I doubt she was unfaithful to you, but the relationship did end as a result of her feelings for this other guy. Not sure if that's what you wanted to hear, and of course it is all just supposition on my part, but that's my view of what's happened.

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Thanks for the input everyone. Polaris, do you mind me asking what happened in your situation when your ex just up and left out of nowhere?

 

I'm just having a hard time grasping all of this since there didn't seem to be anything going on in the time leading up to this. No strange calls or sudden cancellations on her part, etc. I guess it also depends on when she actually came into contact with this guy, before or after she had decided to break away from me. The thing is either way she was not being honest about her situation for whatever reason...ie. guilt, keeping me as a safety net, etc. and I just wish I knew why. The way I see this playing out is that she still may have feelings and is trying to keep me on her radar screen so if this rebound doesn't work out for her, which they usually don't (at least from my past experience as a rebound) she'll try to come back to me. My mind knows that I shouldn't go back to her but unfortunately my heart is still attached. Hopefully that happens later rather than sooner so I can sort myself out. I try to keep my self as occupied as possible...going out with friends, watching tv, reading, burying myself at work, etc...but nothing seems to help. She always just seems to be in my head.

 

NC was my plan of action once I realized that I was being too pushy towards her but, what happened this weekend made her get in touch with me for whatever reason. Nothing I can do about it since I don't have caller ID on my phone. I honestly do not want to have any communication with her whatsoever at this point as that will just set me back.

 

I was wondering if there were any females out there that have actually gone through this process before. Why did you do it? What was your reasoning behind just leaving out of the blue? What was the end result? Any more perspectives are welcome.

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Thanks for the input everyone. Polaris, do you mind me asking what happened in your situation when your ex just up and left out of nowhere?

 

Sure, no problem. In my case, we'd been together for a couple of years, but not living together. We were generally happy, with very few arguments, and we loved each other. I didn't feel as close or committed to her as I should, and with hindsight that probably helped contribute to the situation, but it's not necessary for that to be the case in these situations generally.

 

Anyway, we were fine one week, doing the usual things, saying the usual things, expressing the usual feelings. Then the following week she didn't contact me for a few days, which I thought was odd. I contacted her, and she was in a strange mood, but saying that it was nothing in particular. I left it a few days, and no contact from her again, and I figured something was really going on (yeah, I'm quick like that ), so I went to see her, and we had a chat, and she said she was feeling confused about our relationship, and wanted space to think about things. Knowing the signs, I first said "maybe you'll meet someone else during the break", and following the conspicuous silence, asked her outright, and it turned out there was another guy that she had developed feelings for. She was also quite clear (and I believe her) that she hadn't slept with him, and wouldn't until we'd broken up.

 

Then I made my first mistake, by agreeing to be friends for a while. I should never have done that. Three days later, she calls me and says she wanted to make a go of things with me. Great, I thought, and like an idiot back I went. A couple of days later, she changed her mind and went back to him etc.. To my eternal shame, this happened a couple more times in the week or two that followed, before I finally came to my senses and said enough was enough, and initiated no contact. I've never spoken to her since, and I doubt I ever will again. I don't blame her for the breakup; these things happen, but I do blame her (and myself equally) for the fiasco that followed before the no contact. I heard afterwards that she'd cheated on the new guy within a couple of weeks, and then been with someone else as well shortly after that. I now consider it a narrow escape!

 

If there's something to be learned here, it's that once the feelings for the other guy have developed, it's the beginning of the end, and there isn't a whole lot you can do but get out as quickly as you can to minimise the damage. You're right in that she will be keeping you on the backburner during the confusion period, just as mine was, but once you accept that position, you'll be there forever while she hunts around for another patch of green grass. It isn't a way back, it's just a prolonged exit.

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You're right in that she will be keeping you on the backburner during the confusion period, just as mine was, but once you accept that position, you'll be there forever while she hunts around for another patch of green grass. It isn't a way back, it's just a prolonged exit.

 

I'm going NC all the way. I just have a gut feeling once her fling fizzles out she'll try to come back to me once she sees what she had with me. If that does happen, which it very well could not too, hopefully it will be much later rather than sooner so I have time to get myself together. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible at this point. I would not be surprised if I wound back up with her at some point in the distant future because we had a great connection. I obviously can't sit around and hope for that to happen, but I realize that it possibly could.

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You sound an awful lot like I did after my last break up. I didn't see our break-up coming for the life of me and he basically pulled the rug from under my feet when I thought everything was going great. Clearly, things weren't great and it took me a while to accept that. As it turned out, he'd met someone just before our break up

 

Our break-up, and knowing he was with someone else, absolutely devasatated me. I was an emotional wreck in search of answers. The only problem is, we kept emailing each other back and forth. I didn't realise it at the time but not only was I in search of closure but I was also communicating with him in the hope that he'd tell me what I WANTED to hear, not necessarily the truth.

 

I was constantly hoping that eventually we'd get back together because we too had a fantastic connection. However, that little bit of hope that you're clinging to can be quite destructive because it doesn't allow you to accept what has happened and move on. I knocked back a wonderful guy about 6 months after we broke up because I was still clinging to that hope. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't.

 

It's hard not to remain so focussed on someone you adore, but try to see it as a lesson in life and remember that there are so many other wonderful people out there that you will have a similar, if not greater, connection with. But that can only happen if you make a conscious decision to move on.

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Bingo Baby...

 

You said it. I feel the same way. I didnt see it coming, but hindsight, you can obviously see the problems or the loss of feelings.

 

I found out my ex met someone shortly after/during our break up. Possibly before.. The contact we had, sure, kept us close at times, but it tore us totally apart. We're almost on terms of not even speaking. She texts' me still, to my lack of response. I'm very bitter about love right now. Give it time..

 

I'd suggest you heed some of the advice and just walk away while you still can smile and say thank you for the times, and goodbye.

 

Clinging to the little hope, only allows you to toss away what large hope you have with a future for yourself and someone else. I washed my plate clean of several women in the last few weeks, and within the month, because of my ex. She still had a hold on my heart, and no longer does she, and I feel much stronger than ever, when you can really learn to let go.

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I feel awful reading your story. That was a terrible thing to do. How dare she call you that evening, well, morning!

 

Take from that action what you can. She sounds like a bad person. I think you are much better off without her. The sting will probably stick around for a while, but you will emerge a better man once you walk through it.

 

I think it is admirable that you did not act on your emotions that night and that you left without saying or doing anything. That takes guts, a lot of guts, to stand up and be the bigger man.

 

I think that evening at the bar your true colors and her true colors really came out. Clearly, you two were not a match. Your moral fibers are polar opposites.

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The thing I don't understand is how her personality has done a complete 180. Her attitude towards me and the way she treated me during the break up was nothing like her at all. I mean when we had some bad arguments we said nasty things to one another, but it was out of frustration, anger, even drunkenness but we always made up and forgave one another for how stupid we acted. Its like the person I knew and loved is completely dead and has been replaced by this cold, uncaring individual within a few day's time. Whatever really happened (I still don't know the whole truth and maybe never will) changed her into someone I don't know.

 

My hurt and pain are finally starting to subside. I think about what happened but I don't feel that same sadness, frustration, and even anger that I had. There were a couple of lapses here and there, but its been getting easier. NC has been in full effect and I haven't had any break downs of wanting to get in touch.

 

I think meeting new people especially finding a new woman would really make things better. I just need to be sure of myself and gain the confidence to talk to them and not care of the outcome. I think that will happen when I least expect it to which was how I wound up with my ex in the first place. My biggest fear is never finding anyone like her again that I had the same emotional bond, affection, interests, desires, comfort, etc.. But, I guess that's all part of the game.

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I don't know...its just hard to accept that y'know? The way we treated each other and from her actions and my actions I don't think anyone could have possibly said that we weren't in love with one another. Its all moot now of course, but hey I will think of the special bond we once had and once she realizes it too, its her loss.

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My honest opinion, is that she decided to be with the new guy, and left you for him. sorry for being blunt but i just went through a semi similar breakup.

 

She found a new dude, probably while she was with you.... she waited until he was a sure thing, and then dropped the bomb on you.

 

Suck up your feelings for her, and move on. If she felt the same way, you would still be together, and you wouldnt be sitting here making yourself sick thinking of her with the new guy.

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Well, last night I had a great night out. One of my friends had a Halloween party and the past couple of weekends have been really good for me. One of my exes best friends was at the party last night. They stopped hanging out as much once me and the ex got together. They basically stopped talking with each other a few months ago, but nonetheless these two were best friends for a while before we met and when we were first together. She asked me what had happened between me and the ex and I told her the story. She seemed to be very surprised at what had happened since she said my ex was certainly not the type of person to do something like this. Since they don't speak anymore she obviously doesn't know what happened but she did tell me that my ex was truly in love with me. I never doubted that, even after everything that happened, but if felt very good to know that she certainly loved me as much as I loved her. She told me that my ex was the type of person that would never cheat and would put off anyone else's advances. She says she thinks that she met this guy (or got back in touch with him since its supposedly someone she's known for a while) after the fact and was trying to make me jealous. I got a little emotional last night since I was drunk, and hopefully none of my friends saw it. I stayed strong and didn't do anything dumb like try to call her and in a way its helped me progress. I still don't have the full truth but I think that eventually it will come. So far everyone I've talked to about this has them as surprised as me. I'm not really sure where I'm trying to go with all this it just feels good to go here and write some thoughts down and get responses. I know I can't keep talking to my friends and family about it since I'm sure they're sick of it by now so this is the only place left to go to let myself heal.

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Quick update

 

I had another good weekend. On Friday I met a really cool girl. We had a lot of stuff in common. I probably could have hooked up with her if I wanted to, but I know I have to take things slow. I got her phone number and was a little nervous about calling her last night, but I did. She already had plans, but said that she didn't have any for any other night and that I should call her.

 

My question is, do you think she's still interested and how long should I wait to give her a buzz? I want to go to a show with her on Wednesday night.

 

For those of you still wondering about your exes and wanting to get over them, just forget about them go out and meet other people. Its hard to do, but the faster you accept that its over the better off you'll be. There are tons of girls/guys out there. Right now my confidence is soaring. I feel that I can go up to any girl and make conversation. The key is to not care what the outcome will be. Be yourself.

 

My feelings for the ex continue to fade. I've decided to put more effort into meeting new people, rebuilding old friendships and enjoying myself.

Don't get down on yourselves, maintain NC focus on anything but them.

 

Now that I've started to really move on, and date other people, this appears to be the classic time the ex always tries to get back into your life. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it will. And you know what? Its going to be easier for me to say forget it.

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