Help!- I just don't understand!!! :'-(

[IamLost]

Hello:

 

I am hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. I am trying to conceptualize it; trying to grasp the concept; but I just can't. It has been 10.5 weeks since my ex BF & I broke up. Ok, well, yes, I've been thru hell & back with just that, but I found out the 4th week after our break-up that he had met someone 1.5 weeks after we broke up & has been w/her ever since. VERY painful- I read all the e-mails, did terrible invading things, saw her picture in his Inbox- pain that was self-inflicted; I know. But that's a whole nother story & something I am working thru in counseling. This post is about this- I hadn't checked the e-mail in 2.5 weeks. I was doing so well. Then, I guess I had a moment of weakness, and wanted an "update". (I guess I should say "I wanted more pain"). So I checked the e-mail, and found that about a week ago, he said I LOVE YOU to her already, and she said it back, and that she was the luckiest girl in the whole world. Ok, whatever. I know they are only 20. And when I was 20, I hopped from relationship to relationship too. But we were together for 3 years and our relationship was VERY significant and meaningful, and he even voluntarily said he did not ever want to be with another person ever. (It wasn't me saying these things, it was him!).

 

Anyway, I guess I am just trying to understand- how can you become so intimate with someone else in such a short period of time? How can you leave someone behind so easily like that who supposedly meant so much? (we broke up on good terms and he cried too, it was VERY hard for both of us). That's why I don't understand how he can just have all these little "cutsie" moments with her, take her to the places we went to, give her a miniature crystal that I gave him- thank you very much (bastard)- anyway…. How does one do that?!

 

Can someone help me? I don't understand? How do you become so close with someone else without feeling "icky" or feeling like that's the other person's place? You just "drop" them?

 

I know some of your answers are going to hurt, but I need some help grasping where maybe he is coming from. I know he still loves me, because in our last e-mails (June 5), he told me that he sometimes still has feelings, and wants to contact me but knows he shouldn't, but at that point, "it's hard".

 

I know I made it soooooo much worse for myself for checking the e-mails, guys. I know. And I'm going to a therapist to work thru my impulse control. So no lectures please.

 

Maybe just some explanations on how you can shift your feelings for another so quickly? One more thing- when we were breaking up, this was originally supposed to be a break (long story). He wanted to just "see what other people were like"- he didn't want to "do things" with them, he wanted to just talk & 'experience' other girls and stuff. I said "Craig, if that's what you want to do you're going to have to "do things" with other girls." He was like all pissed off and was like "No way!!! Only Jennifer!" (meaning only me he wanted to "be with" in that way). And then 1 ½ weeks later he's obsessing over someone else and 7.5 weeks after that he loves her?! (And I know him- and I know he wanted to say it like the second week but he knew it was ridiculously soon). I just don't understand. Please help…… Please help me to understand how he felt SO strongly about not "touching" someone else when we broke up, and then did he just magically wake up after we broke up and start going crazy over other girls or something???!!! I'm so confused! (I know his words were sincere, BTW, and that's why I just don't get it! Is he just young & inexperienced????)

 

Thanks so much,

Jen

[charmed]

Hi Jen !

 

Looking at your post, I see almost extracts of a letter that I wrote to an ex girlfriend of mine a few years ago. We were together for nearly 5 years. For the first 4 years we were very close, the lat year it fell apart. In saying that, we still were dependant on each other to the end and after.

 

When you break up like this, there is no point in trying to make sense of what the other says - especially if it makes no sense in the first place! My ex told me the day we broke up, and a week later, that she could not remember one time in the entire relationship that she was happy! It was insane - I went nuts - jumping around the place in frustration at the blatent lie that she spoke. This caused me a lot of problems - and trying to figure out why she said this, and other things as stupidly false. The bottom line was that she was falling apart at the seems, and no longer could tell what was going on.

 

She needed to live as if the relationship never existed - and many people deal with breakups this way. In essense - what is there to get over if it never happened. We both know that it happened, but there is no common ground. Some people try to hurt each other during breakups to make sure they haven't been the one that lost more - it's crazy and mean, but a self defence mechanism nonotheless.

 

Regarding him and his apparent feelings - he needs that right now. He may think he's in love, but he is probably not. In saying that, and I'm not sure this is the case, have you been checking his mails? Is that where you have been getting the information? If so - tell him and get him to change the password !!!!Get out of there girl - that is madness - you're going to hurt yourself more and more.

 

The bottom line is that you should be concentrating on making yourself happy, and thinking about this guy is not doing that for you. Get a control of your life, and stop living in the times a few months ago. It sounds hard, but it's not really - it's just that you need to make a firm choice to yourself, and go with it - no different to giving up smoking really - you don't need the hassel as much as you've been convinced that you do.

 

I hope this helps you a bit - if you need to talk or anything, private message me no problems. I did councelling myself after my breakup. It hurts, but wow - I really can see the wood for the trees now!!

 

Get your chin up, and your head high

 

Al

[babycristy456]

I realized that it is a pattern that all guys that move on from a serious relationship, get a new girlfriend in a week and suddenly fall in love. I think that he is using the new girl to move on from you. There is no way he can possibly be in love so quickly. I think he is trying to be Mr. Head-Over-Heels for her because he wants to find that special feeling that he once had with you. If he says he still cares about you in his email, then he still does. But there is obviously something that keeps him from you...Was there anything you did wrong him that caused the final break-up? If you did, then just let him be and let him move on. As for the invasion of privacy, its not only unfair to him, but it just keeps reopening wounds for you. What you don't know can't hurt you. So just keep yourself from knowing anything about him and his new girl. Move on yourself. Sometimes, the way to get someone back, is to let them go. Just work hard on it. Occupy yourself alot so u don't become weak and again. And as for doing things with guys, don't rush it. You are of corse going to feel icky unless you really like the person you are doing your thing with.

I wish you the best of luck. Moving on is hard but u have to do it, or ur just going to keep hurting urself.

[shadowblazeNC]

This new girl is his "rebound" girl. Thats what we do sometimes to deal with a breakup is find another girl to help up forget about the last one. 9 times out of ten, we're just confused - moved too fast - do things we regret later with the rebound girl. And believe me, the rebound relationship looks all shiny and new, but eventually he'll move on from her too. He probably did mean the things he said to you, but he's dealing with his pain in his own way. It sucks i know. Try to use "his" new relationship as a stepping stool for you to move on.

Now with checking his email, you are shooting yourself in the foot on that one. You've got to stop doing that. Its a hard thing to do when you're in pain over the situation. But obviously, you understand that its not helping you any. Sure its a great insight into whats up with him, but do you really want to continue feeling like crap every time you read. Give it up. It will only set you back on getting over him.

[IamLost]

Thanks so much guys for your replies. I thought in the beginning that she was a "rebound relatinship" too, but I didn't know you say "I love you" to a rebound person????!!!!! So confused. Anyway, I AM staying away from his e-mail. I have to. It got to the point where it was making me physically sick.

 

The reason why we broke up is because he is 8 years younger than me (I know, I know). He is a very mature 20 year old, however, naturally, that is going to cause problems. He wanted to move on. He wanted to see "what else was out there". But like I said, long story, originally this was supposed to be a break. Eventually, he met her (soon, not eventually!) and it was no longer a break, but a final break-up in his eyes. I have accepted that now.

 

I just don't know how to accept how you love another and touch another so soon afterwards because I know I would burst into tears and want him if that happened with me. Especially since he still had endearing feelings toward me- if those feelings are still present, how do you ignore them? He was always good at that- repressing bad stuff that happened w/his family & stuff, so I guess he just put those "skills" into play here!

 

Thank you for your perspectives, it's good to hear that a lot guys deal with this by finding someone else so soon. It's not a good thing, but at least I know that my situation is not because of ME.

 

Another thing I was confused about, was everywhere I was reading and hearing that "rebounds" don't last very long. Her last relationship was 2 years (by the way, it ended just 5 weeks before they got together, so I'm sure she wasn't fully over him), and his last relationship (me) was 3 years, so they both seem to have a history of "long" relationships. I guess I am just feeling sad that this relationship will last. The way they talk about each other in those e-mails (that I'm NOT going to check anymore!) is pure adoration. They are infatuated and would do anything for each other. It seems very deep. And I know when he falls, he falls HARD. He does feel like he loves her. I know him. So I guess I am just afraid that it is going to last a year or two, and if that is the case, I guess I just feel like how can a rebound be so long? I thought rebounds were supposed to be "short" generally speaking?

 

Anyway, I know I need to move on, and I am as best as I can, but when I read "I LOVE YOU" by both of them, I just didn't understand, and wanted to come here for some coping techniques..... Thanks

 

Thanks everyone.

[pcardoso]

Hi IamLost,

 

If I know what you mean! It happened with me and my ex. I also had some problems dealing with the fact he had started another r/s so soon, especially when he told me I was the woman of his life and was crying when we broke up (it was his decision).

 

Seeing his history of relationships (he was with his wife during 5 years, 2 of them married and he even loved her)… I started thinking: ok, he doesn't love this new girl, but this r/s will long for ages… and what about me? Then, I start thinking… maybe the rebound girl after all was me. Our relation started so soon… and was so intense… maybe he just had carried away and then find out he didn't love me anymore… or worst he never loved me.

 

And these thoughts continued… and continued on my mind, till one day… then stoped (of course, during this period my "life-savers" were eNotalone.com and some reading).

Today, I still have so much questions towards him and our relation without answer, but I'm not worried anymore. I achieved a point, when I feel that wasn't the right moment for that relation. May be we will meet again later, or may be not… I don't know… just found I have to live my life and each day to give the best of me, which I'm doing.

 

Btw, since last month I'm also in a new relationship. It's strange because my new "bf" is friend of my ex and because I told him the true: that I think I'm not totally over my ex and don't know if or when I will. But, I'm having a great time with him… and we are building a relation based on trust.

 

I hope telling you my story had helped you.

When you say "So I guess I am just afraid that it is going to last a year or two, and if that is the case, I guess I just feel like how can a rebound be so long", believe me… don't rush things, take your time… in a few months this won't bother you anymore.

 

Good luck