PLEASE HELP, GF leaving tomorrow if I can't say right words

[eimono]

Hello All,

 

Forgive me for posting in here but I don't know where else to put it. My GF and I have been dating for 9 months now. We have been living together for 5. We have had our problems from past relationships and trying to learn to be with each other. We both love one another very much and want more then anything to be together.

 

However, things have just not been going well. We seem to get into fights a lot because we are failing to communicate. Often times we get frustrated and end up saying things we don't mean. For example, maybe we shouldn't be together. I will freely admit that I've said it a time or two just because I wanted to get a reaction out of her and I was hurt by something she said. I didn't mean it, and I always told her that soon after. She too has said the same thing, I assume for similar reasons. Again, lack of proper communication.

 

Well, as it turns out I just got a house and we have been planning on moving into together to make it a home. However, a month ago things starting getting bad again. So we got a little bit further down the "We should not live together anymore" road. She actually got most of the paper work done on finding a place. And it turned out she went for a 13month lease. I just buying the house am stuck there. I convinced her to talk it over with me before signing the lease two weeks ago. But for whatever reason, she has it in her mind again that this is the right thing to do. Don't miss-understand, she still wants us to "work" on us, just not live together anymore.

 

So what's so wrong with that... well I think it's due to problems and not what we really want. We both love being to be with each other and it's totally tearing me apart that I won't be with her, and she and I couldn't even be together for 13months even if things got better.

 

Her main problem is is tired of going back and forth from staying, to leaving. She said she wants to feel secure and is afraid to move in with me for fear of having the "I'm leaving" conversations again. I want so much for us to work this out and don't want this time issue to make the next 13 months of our relationship (or end of it) to be done on a correctable issue.

 

She told me tonight, unless I can prove to her somehow that she could not feel that way then she is leaving tomorrow. Of course, I don't know how to prove it. I told her how I feel, told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel safe and secure in us and where she is. But she wants proof.

 

 

I've signed up for couple counseling, got 6 sessions lined up, told her I want to do that. She said great, lets do that and if I feel better then later I may move back in. I said that we can read books, talk to others to find out the things we were doing wrong. Same answer, she says it's not good enough for now. I don't want her to make a choice now based off a fear that we could fix together. Sure, I don't know for a fact we will be over if she leaves, but I know where she will and I live and that it will be almost impossible for us to spend time together. And for the next 13 months!

 

 

PLEASE, help me find the words or things to do. I really do mean I want to do whatever I can to make her feel good about staying. She says she loves me and she wants to, just she feels this is the right thing to do. I feel like we didn't try enough things, and those we did we didn't try hard enough. I'm not asking her to try harder, I will be happy put the effort in myself. She can see for herself that I'm telling the truth. But if she doesn't give me the chance I can't prove it to her.

 

I've spent the last 5 hours crying, she went to a birthday party. I've only got a few hours left to convince her. What can I do or say???

 

Help, please...

[jenny_mcs]

It's completely unrealistic to be able to "prove" the worth and stability of a relationship in a 24 hour period. It's an impossible burden to put on someone!

 

I can see her side of things- if you are buying this house, and your relationship continues to go back and forth with "I'm done! We shouldn't be together!", then that does put her in a precarious position, because, after all, you own the house and she would have to move out.

 

The things you have suggested- couples counseling, relationship books, and more honest communication are great places to start. Maybe you guys can compromise- can she find a place with a 6 month lease- and then, after those months, if things are better, she can move into your house?

 

I think for starters you both have to make a commitment to stop tossing around the "maybe we shouldn't be together" comments. I know it's tempting when you are frustrated and looking for a reaction, but in reality, this sort of stuff does a lot of damage to a relationship, as you are now seeing.

 

I think you should tell her that there is nothing you can say that will fix everything, and it's going to take an effort to change on both of your parts. Ask her to consider a place with a shorter lease, and work from there. Good luck!

[eimono]

I wish that were possible, this place was one of the only ones she could get with her bad credit. They only allowed her to get a 13mo lease.

 

I understand her point to, but I feel so strongly that we haven't tried enough things, and I know we can make it work. If she really does love me as much as she claims, and I do love her so much, we can make this work. We just have our own issues getting in the way.

 

I suggested the counseling log ago, but she has been afraid of that before. She has so many issues about the death of her mother a few years ago. And she just isn't ready to face that yet.

 

We did agree, once, not to bring up the leaving fact... didn't take too long and it happened again. But I know that isn't what either of us want, we just didn't know what else to say or do.

 

She feels as if there is nothing else, but yet she still is telling me, just prove it to me and I will stay. I want to stay but I don't know anything else... I feel like if I can just say the right thing, we can work form there. But unless I say it, she is gone.

 

There has to be some way to at least give her hope enough to give it a chance. I asked her to give me two months to prove it to her, but she wouldn't let me do that. This is so important to me because I just feel that this will be the end because it's running from the problems instead of facing and fixing them.

[eimono]

I'm sure this seems like a lost cause, but I won't give up until the end.

 

And the only reason it's so urgent is that she got the deadline of tomorrow to move out. So I'm left proving to her, that things can and will get better with work or else she is gone. And I love her so much I just won't let that happen if there is anything I can do about it.

[jenny_mcs]

eimono-

 

I admire your commitment to this woman and to this relationship. But, do you, in any way, realize the unfairness of the situation you are in? She is asking you for some "perfect words." Relationships are not built on perfect words or phrases, but on love and suport that is shown through time.

 

She has given you an impossible task. It's unfair to you. All you can do is assure her that you love her, are commited to her, and want to have a life with her.

 

Everything does not have to come to a crashing end if she gets her own place. Have trust that if you are both willing to work at it, that you can find a way to be together.

 

But seriously, what she is doing to you right now is wrong. Giving someone 24 hours to convince them to stay is impossible. I hope once things have settled down yo will talk to her about this.

[sonjam]

I know exactly how she feels, the house will be in your name, and everytime you feel like it, she will have to pack up and go.

 

I've also been through that. What you need to do is "rent" her a part of the house (doesn't have to be half) and let her sign a lease form. This way she is not staying there on your goodwill, and you can't tell her to leave, it will be a legally binding contract.

 

That will give her more security, and maybe she will be willing to stay???

[eimono]

I know it feels impossible to prove it, but I have to try.

 

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

 

Lets say, for example, she just moved 1 mile away. That we could see each more often.

 

Now, even with that happening I have two real huge problems.

 

1) She left, and while she didn't want to end the relationship right now, she "ran" instead of staying and working through the problems we have. So next time, when things get tough, is she going to run again?

 

2) oh, I can't even remember now that I got here. I worked a 10 hour day today, and it's after midnight and still awake reading help forums and website looking for that magic set of word... that may not exist.

 

I just know in my heart this is wrong for us. I don't have a right to speak for her, but I do know that it is for me. And when we work, it is such a wonderful thing. We have so much in common, but yet so much that isn't. But what I've known from the start is we have something I've never had before with anyone. I just can't stand by and let this happen without doing everything. If I do, at least I can live with the fact I did what I could.......

[eimono]

sonjam,

 

Good idea, I brought that up about renting to her, or just being roommates. And that I wouldn't throw her out.

 

But she refused that, I didn't think about a lease and having that be a legally binding contract. Who knows, it might be just another thing, to help.

 

I really do understand why she feels that way, and I'm very sympathetic to that.

 

I just know, that if we really commit to it that things will get fixed and we will overcome the problems. She isn't so sure right now.

 

Just a little more info, if it helps at all.

 

She moved in with me from a LDR 220miles away. At the time, she didn't have enough money for food, and we had been seeing each other for 4 months. I helpped her out when I could, but I could only do so much. After she moved in, I supported her for the last 4 months until she finnally got a job as a waitress. Although she denys it, I wonder if she didn't leave before because she couldn't. Now that she has a little money, she sees it as an option.

 

On the few occasions that we got into one of those "you should leave fights", she was yelling and screaming at me. That just makes me shut down because of my past. One time she became simi violent and I just told her I won't have that in my home.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for me telling her to go, just that I didn't know what else to do. She needs help, and so do I for some of my issues. There has to be a way to fix this without moving apart. I just feel that is a mistake that we may never recover from.

[sonjam]

eimono, it sounds like there could be quite a few issues, for both of you. How about considdering the moving appart, as an opportunity for the both of you to find yourself, and WANT to be together? Maybe the first time she moved in with you, she felt she had to. I'm not saying she does not want to be with you, but being in a compromised position, without any money, or food, makes you the weak one, and the one that can be pushed around. She deserves to feel like she can stand on her own two feet now, that she is actually capable of taking care of herself. You should support and encourage her. That is the only way you will prove to her that you can love her as an equal, not just a rescued duckling....

 

Then when she decides to move back in, it will be on a more level playing field, rather than a needy person, and a rescuer. I know that is probably not how you see it, but I promise you that is the way it feels to her.

 

I suggest you let her go, and work on the relationship still. If it really is important to you, you will keep the relationship going, and in time, she will come back??

[eimono]

I see what you are saying,

 

 

it sounds a lot like what she has said too... I'm sure part of the problem here is that I'm afraid.

 

Things haven't been going as well as they could lately. I'm afraid that this will turn out to be the end. Since we won't be together very often she could just start to get involved with someone else. Since it's not convenient for us, all the there people around her are easy.

 

Yeah, I know, I'm not trusting her right now. How can I trust her that she wants to move out/leave. She even said she isn't sure about us in the future. But at the same time she says she is not quitting on us and she loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I'm so confused, and afraid. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for such a long term. 13 months, and the time we won't be able to spend together. I see so many couples these days give up when things get hard. I don't want that to be us. I feel having a relationship is about work, about growing and learning to love each other as life changes you. Everything in me is fighting this and doesn't want to let it happen...

 

Am I just too involved and wrong in feeling this way?

[sonjam]

No your feelings are quite normal, but you will have to let go a bit. TRUST is a big keyword, and she has not given you any reason not to trust her, appart from wanting to move out, and if you are honest with yourself, you both have guilt in that.

 

Trying desperately to hold on will only push her further away from you. You need to deal with these feelings, and then try and get your relationship back in a happy place. That is the best route to follow!

 

Good luck, I'm holding thumbs for you!

[kutekat100]

To me this sounds like a really worrying relationship. You have only been together for 9 months, that's really not that long to move in with someone, especially with all these problems you are having. A safe, secure, loving relationship does not have arguments like this every week. I know how you feel, I have been dating my boyfriend for two years and really wanted to move in with him, but he says we are not ready yet, that we should give it another year. I am having trouble accepting it but deep down I know he is right. Why do you feel the need to live with her, to be in each others pockets day in day out? You have other friends and hobbies right? You both do stuff separately? Because if not, that is bad in itself as well. Relationships are about growing a trust and bond that you do not have with other people. If you have that with her then she will not go off and get involved with someone else. Just because you don't live together doesn't mean she will go off with some one else. And if you think that way, then you cannot be in the best relationship. Let her go, enjoy being apart and dating, enjoy making plans for 13 months down the line. If you are so sure this is the relationship that will last forever, why does it matter to wait 13 months to live together?

[thegirlfriend]

Its probably too late because she had to decide today, but: if you love her, then SHOW her. She doesn't want PROOF, she wants to SEE. Charter an airplane and write a message in the sky, kidnap her and take her to a romantic picknik with champagne and caviar, have 100 red roses deliverd to her workplace, record a song and have the local radiostation broadcast it, whatever. Get creative. In the end, PROOF really only is something she can see and touch, right?

 

If she wanted to leave you, she would have done so already. She wants to be with you but she is scared, and I can totally see why. SHOW her you want to be with her, and NOT JUST because you got the house and now you need somebody to pick the curtains. SHOW her you want to be with her, DO something she can SEE or TOUCH.

 

All the best, I hope all works out for you

[eimono]

well, she left me...

 

here is an update, I don't know what else to do, please continue any advice you may have....

 

 

[Luciana]

Eimono, don't you see?????

 

She wanted you to propose to her! You 2 have been living together and no talk about marriage.

 

She got fed up!

Living together is bad for women. She needs commitment!

[eimono]

Eimono, don't you see?????

 

She wanted you to propose to her! You 2 have been living together and no talk about marriage.

 

She got fed up!

Living together is bad for women. She needs commitment!

 

I brought that up once and it didn't matter. She just wanted out.

 

She said "we both know that won't solve anything." Which is true, don't just get engaged because. We needed to solve the problems and she had her mind made up.

[dzadze]

If its only the first year, and you've sign up for counseling sessions about your relationship. I don't think its gonna turn out to be a good one. A good relationshiop should be natural, you be yourself, and she be herself.

 

Sometimes the best thing you can do for her if you reallie love her is to let her go, let her be happy elsewhere. You had your chance in that 9 month and you've screwed up. ... Dont take it personal, but the term here is

 

INCOMPATIBLE!!!