How do I do this?

[kpow]

What can I say-- this is the most difficult journey I have been on-- and I have been on some tough rides. My ex and I had been together for 2 years. It was love/attraction/sparks at first sight. He pursued me, we fell in love so hard, so fast. Within a month I was pregnant. I already had a child from my marraige, which had ended horribly only a year before.

My first child was aching for a daddy, and I encouraged her to look to my ex as her daddy. I didn't know alot about my ex at first, but over time found out that he had been into cocaine, had a domestic abuse history, a violent past. That was all changed now-- I was ok with all of that. I am successful-- a doctor, make good money. I take care of my kids, provide them with everything. But here I was pregnant, emotional. I admit, I often think the grass is greener on the other side. I didn't appreciate him for what he was, and what he gave me. I wanted more-- financial security on his part, to be able to look to him to take on life's mundane tasks like paying taxes, getting childcare, taking care of insurance. But he didn't have these skills, and I grew to resent that. I thought I was carrying the burden. I had so many stressors in my life-- a new job, a move, two kids-- and my ex seemed to be standing still, immobile. I told him to get out. Life would be easier without him. It initially was, for a time. He helped me out in my new place, was there when I needed help with the kids. I felt we were still a family, just living separately. He seemed to be getting his life together-- going back to school, taking care of his medical issues. Then he started hanging out more and more with the girl upstairs-- my "friend". About 5 weeks ago, I found out they have been in a relationship for sometime. I am devestated. I went insane, I still feel insane. My family has been torn apart again, and I feel it was my fault because I didn't appreciate what I had. It is what is in front of you that is important. And she-- she pretended to be my friend, watch the kids when I needed help, share a glass of wine, listen to my troubles. I am so betrayed. And my kids are suffering so much. They don't understand why daddy doesn't want to be with me, why does he want to be with her??

 

I am seeing a therapist, talking to friends, blah blah. They say "concentrate on the negatives about him"-- that's B.S. All this has done is solidify that I truly do love him, even with all of his faults.

 

I have come so close to ending my life because of this. I have lost 15 pounds, I don't enjoy anything anymore. The mornings are the worst, just thinking about him and her entwined in each other's arms.

 

I feel completely unlovable, unworthy.

[DN]

The reasons you asked him to move out were valid to you at the time. But what did you expect to happen? Did you make it clear to him what you wanted him to do, and under what circumstances you would try living together again?

 

It is not good that he has got together with your 'friend'. But the hard fact is you had him move out - and you can hardly blame him if he decided to find someone else if the terms of the parting were not made clear - or, if they were, that he did not agree with them.

 

A good relationship is one of equals who respect each other. Not of one person being 'in charge'. You seemed to want that but then instead of properly sorting things out, became even more 'in charge' by having him move out, which is the ultimate 'taking charge' action in a relationship.

 

What you need to do now is to decide what you want, if you can achieve what you want, and what is the best way to go about getting it. Don't just sit there thinking in circles and agonizing over what went wrong. Make a plan and implement it. It may not work, but at least you will know that you tried and that will make you feel better about yourself.

[kpow]

DN

You are right. I know this is true. I wanted to control the situation, not run the risk of failure. In the end, I implemented the plan that was guaranteed to hurt me most. I drove him into the arms of another. The problem I have is my family-- my kids. If it were just me, I would move to another state, start over. But instead, I am living in the same building as his new girlfriend (we both own our units) and I have two kids who adore him, and suffer when they are not with him. I am thinking that there is nothing more important than trying to salvage this family. I see my mistakes, my missteps. I know I need to treasure what is in front of me, with me. I need to treasure my family. I am willing to give him the respect/love/support he needs, without the undermining, second-guessing. I see this as the path to happiness.

[DN]

You have two priorities you must concentrate on now. First: your kids. Second: yourself.

 

That may mean including him in their lives but you should also make sure that you keep them, and yourself, occupied. Try not to be sad all the time but work on being happy. Fake it 'till you make it.

[kpow]

Well, It has been a rough weekend. I basically threw myself at the ex, begging him to take me back. I told him I would quit my job, move, whatever. of course he didn't take the bait. Said he was happy without me, with his new girlfriend. Damn, that hurts. It is amazing what we will do to ourselves, the pain we inflict upon ourselves. I know the only thing in life we can control is our reactions, but somehow those don't seem so controllable..

[kpow]

I am just so scared of being alone, not feeling that safe haven of love again. And to try and think of establishing that with someone new just makes me tired. All of that effort, time. To see him with another girl so soon-- does it mean he didn't really love me? I don't think so, I think he is doing his best to move on.

 

I thought about dating again now, but it seems kinda lame. I went out with a guy over the weekend, he was really cute, nice. but I ended up crying on his shoulder at the end of the night, feeling "melancholy." Boy what a good impression! I wish it was easy to "concentrate" on ourselves, our kids, instead of obsessing about ex, or new guy, or future. It is hard to look at ourselves, to realize the part we play in failure of relationships. I find it hard, anyway. I hate that I push those I love away. i hate that I build walls in relationships. I hate that I sabotage my own happiness and peace, because I basically feel I don't deserve to be happy, because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. But I am just another human being-- I am not a murderer, cheater, druggie, thief.

 

How do we find worth in ourselves-- especially when we come out of relationships where the other person basically convinces us that we are only worthy because they love us. Or our selfesteem is so low that we only feel worthy when others love us. I wish there was some way to boost self esteem.

 

I am trying, doing my best to make it through. Not to concentrate on the past or future, just the now. Me and my beautiful children. To move past the emptiness of the bed beside me, to not wear his old t-shirts that he left-- his smell still on them. To not look at my children and only see his eyes staring back at me. To not cry every god-d@@n minute of the day. If you could only see my heart-- it has a jagged rip in it, and blood is pouring out of it, filling my chest and making it hard to breathe.

[rascal]

kpow:

 

you were able to express what i have been feeling all summer. i know how much it hurts. i am trying to get over a woman who i dated for 8 years, and it's the hardest thing i'ver ever done. period. next to impossible. i've tried everything from shrinks to working out to going out with friends, and none of it works. i too was too blind to see this amazing person in front of me, who wanted to marry me, but for some reason i never realized how special she was until she was gone. now i have to believe there is a reason for that. and you should too. there must be some bigger picture that we haven't figured out yet. you have to believe that. because if you don't, well, than what's the point of getting out of bed every morning?

 

btw, mornings are the worst!!! isn't that weird?

[DN]

I am so sorry this has happened and that you are feeling so bad. It must be truly awful.

 

Just for now, try to cut your emotions out of the loop for a while. Except your love for you children - they should be your focus. And your job of course. But as far as anything about him - try to be as emotionless as possible about him. Ice-cold.

 

As I said before - make a plan. Maybe that would involve selling your place - it may take a while but at least you would have something to do, organise and look forward to while house-hunting.

[kpow]

Thanks DN for the words of support. I know that you are saying the truth.

 

I spoke with ex today-- called his girlfriend a whore. he got mad, told me I was being childish. We hung up angry. Then he calls back and plays this song that we used to make love to. He leaves a message saying how he was listening to the album, and remembering the good times, and can't we all just get along? What a mind f#$k. I broke down crying in my car, but didn't call him back. What do you think? What if you were his new girlfriend and he was doing this? I wish I didn't ever have to see him ever again. I am going to try to minimize contact as much as possible, keep strong in myself. I am starting training for a triathlon next spring. I am also looking into volunteer medical missions. I feel I need to break out of my self-pity party and get some perspective. Of course that doesn't help at 4 am.

 

Where is that pill I can take to heal this wound?? Do you think what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? I almost died this time around. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again.

[DN]

I think things can make us stronger - if we decide that they will.

 

Remember that you make decisions here; you can decide to have a pity party or you can decide to do what you suggested to keep busy - which I think is an excellent piece of self-advice.

 

You can also decide that you will not analyse every thing he does to see if you approve or she approves or whatever. Try not to think of her at all. She betrayed your friendship - so write her off.

 

Concentrate on you and your children and drive anything else about personal relationships out of your mind until you are better able to cope.

 

A word of caution - I know that a lot of doctors tend to self-prescribe various drugs at time likes this to try and deal with the pain. Hopefully, you are not one of them. But if you are tempted then see your own doctor for a prescription if she thinks you need one. Or call a help-line for doctors in distress.

 

I hope that last paragraph was unnecessary but I thought it might be best to write it anyway.

[confused_male_32]

I feel really bad for you. There is nothing that you have done to deserve this. You obviously are very good at your job and clearly you became a doctor out of a strong desire to help people. I know only too well the long hours of med school and residency.

 

I understand your desire to feel "complete" as a family. You have a good career, a great mom ........it is only fair that you have a equally great family life. I am certain that you will soon meet someone that will make you feel like you are the only woman in this world and love you so much that the pain will just melt away. With the right guy you will not feel like controlling the situation.

 

Is your ex- and his new gf have a lasting relationship? ...extremely unlikely.

Will he come back to you?......almost certainly

Will you take his back?........(you tell me)

 

I am in medical research myself working at a reputed hospital in Boston. My research covers ALS and Parkinson's Disease. When I meet an ALS patient usually the first question from their family member is "why him/her? he/she is such a nice person". What do I tell them? I don't have an answer.....the truth is we can't always explain why bad things happen to us. Unfortunately the curse of being in the medical field is that we try to rationalize and diagnose till we have a satisfactory explaination for the current situation...its really hard not to. The best thing is to just believe that good things happen to good people no matter how bad the situation may seem at a give point of time

[confused_male_32]

I understand how you feel. You are looking for stability in your life and relationship so that you can focus your energy on other aspects of your life like your hobby and profession. I sincerely hope that you find what you are looking for.

I am in the process of healing after a breakup with my girlfriend. We were together for five years. There are days that I wake up in the morning feeling lonely and depressed and feel like curling up in the corner of my bed.

The memories of our loved ones are so fresh that you can almost feel like they are still around sometime and if you try hard enough you can almost still feel and touch them.

I still don't know why my girlfriend broke up with me. What did I do wrong?

Though I keep telling myself that I did nothing wrong......then why do I get this feeling that it was somehow my fault.

I eventually realized that no matter how tough you make yourself nothing can prepare you for a breakup. So! don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes the best way to overcome the grief is to let it overcome you first and after that the only thing that can happen is that things get better.

 

Its ironic that I told you last time that you were not at fault in anyway. Maybe sometimes an outsider can see things better and have a better perspective on the situation. If I told you my complete story you would probably conclude that it was not my fault either.

 

I have been into six weeks of NC myself and at times it becomes really hard though I have found that my emotional state is much better after these six weeks.

 

I know the feeling of losing cool in presense of your ex-. I have been through that a couple of times and I ended up feeling so weak. Why why do we do this ourselves? I wish there was a switch I could flip and turn off these feelings

[kpow]

One of the weirdest things about this whole experience is the numb feeling I have now. I don't feel connected to other people really-- I don't know-- it is kind of hard to explain. I told you I was sort of seeing this guy-- well we ended up fooling around, and honestly I just wasn't that into it. I don't feel sexual at all-- I don't desire anyone. I wonder if this is some primitive protective device (I hope so) or if this is the new me (I hope not!). I always enjoyed that crazy, overwhelming physical desire I had with my ex. It is something I miss the most, and wonder if I will ever have it again. That complete abandon when we were together, knowing that I please him, and he pleases me. Unfortunately, that was probably the best part of our relationship.

 

The same feeling applies to other things in my life, too. Like food, wine, music, movies-- everything I used to enjoy so much, now I am kind of indifferent to. I suppose this could be part of my depression.

 

I am hoping things get better, somehow, sometime.

[polaris]

It's a psychological defence, and quite normal for your situation. Different people react differently, but temporary numbness and apparent change of personality is one of the most common reactions. After my worst breakup, I was almost catatonic for the best part of a month, which I'd scarcely believe if I hadn't experienced it directly. I could do almost nothing; it was literally two weeks before I could even make a cup of coffee. The only thing I could do in all that time was lie on my bed and read fiction, which is something I would never normally do. All the things I previously enjoyed, became quite meaningless to me, so I just didn't do them.

 

It's a temporary state, though, and it'll pass; your real self will return shortly, and hopefully better than ever.

[kpow]

Well, I have continued the NC (actually minimal contact, just text message regarding when he will visit the kids.) I am trying to find another hospital to transfer to, somewhere on the west coast where I am from, and where my family is-- I want to get out of the northeast-- everything here sucks in terms of being related to him somehow. Plus I am so far from all my friends and family.

 

But I don't know if I can get a position out there, and I might have to stay. So I am going to have to move since SHE lives upstairs, and I am essentially trapped in my own condo-- always knowing if she is here, or with him. The fu%^ing c**t. I hate her more than anything, more than him. She disrespected me beyond belief. Now he wants to have the kids and her hang out over the weekend. I am so livid-- she has no right to my kids--!!!!!!!!! She has no right to be with my girls, to have this ready-made family which she can just spend a few hours here and there and then drop them back off to me to deal with real life. She can just swoop in and be the hero-- buy them Barbies or whatever. What a loser. Can't she get her own kids???? What do people think?? How can I keep my kids from her?? Hasn't she taken enough from me already???

[Eowyn]

I have to disagree with putting the kids first right now. KPOW, if you don't take care fo yourself right now, your kids may end up having no mother. I am truly alarmed that you have come close to ending your life over this. If you take the focus off yourself, and don't heal, down the road, you could still really lose it and not be there for the kids. I think you need to take care of yourself, and pray for yourself, as it bears on your usefulness to others. Without healing, they may never get their Momma back. You have to take care of YOU, otherwise, you can't take care of ANYONE.

 

As far as this "friend", and I think it noteworthy that you put in in quotes, goes, she sounds like a sick woman. No self respecting woman with an ounce of self esteem would do what she has done. She needs help too. I think she sounds like she was incapable of friendship. It sounds like she defines her self worth by the man on her arm. Don't get caught up in her illness.

 

I will keep you in my prayers, take this one minute at a time, and know that every minute without him is a gift. You truly have an amazing opportunity for growth here, and the time alone will be so rewarding. You get to find out who you really are now.

[kpow]

Eowyn,

 

Thanks for the sentiment-- I do feel that way. Like if I move accross country to be closer to my family and friends, the kids may not get to see their dad, and maybe this will hurt them in some way, but I feel I cannot move forward while living here, and that in turn makes my kids suffer.

 

Thankfully I no longer feel I want to end it all--- that unbearable pain has passed, hopefully for good. Of course, I am still sad, scared, lonely, mad. I am seeing him tonight b/c he is visiting the kids. I always am so nervous when this happens. My plan is to go home, say hi to the kids, then leave as quickly as possible to go work out at the gym. I do not want to break down in front of him ever again. To think I have given him all of this power over me. He has diminished me-- and I let him. Now I have to build myself back up, but I am having a hard time finding the right pieces.

 

I want to be better, more secure, more lovable, able to love more freely. To not have such high expectations of everyone, including myself, so that I am constantly disapointed with everything.

[kpow]

AHHHHHHHHH!!!! I can't do this!!!!!!! I can't have this guy in my life, seeing the kids, "helping out" his girlfriend upstairs, etc!!! Goddamn-- this puts me back so far--------- why does it have to be this hard??? WHY????!?!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this some divine punishment for crimes committed in the past?????????? I am so tired of feeling this way, this pain, this agony in my heart, my mind, my body, my soul. i can't endure this anymore. i really can't. it is too much to bear. i don't want to be any stronger-- I want someone to give a damn about me-- I want him to give a damn about me. I want him so bad. . .

[confused_male_32]

Hi, I am back I was traveling for a while. Have you considered taking a vacation? It may not be such a bad idea. I can understand what you are feeling to some extent. I am going through a breakup myself and my emotions are confusing me.

I am usually not a heavy drinker but these days I am going out with friends to a bar everyday and drinking myself silly just to block the pain. Even tonight just an hour back I came back home drunk and then I thought of you.

I felt that I should definitely check on you to see how you were doing and if you needed to talk about something and if there is something I could do to help you out.

Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.........

If you ever need to chat message me in yahoo messenger (ssray2000).

I wish only the best for you and hope you find peace

[sibling295]

Kpow -

 

MOVE OUT OF THERE!!!!

I think about you all the time girl - you can do this - put on your boxing gloves - you will feel better - you will I PROMISE YOU!!!!!

[confused_male_32]

Sure, we all grow up with simple dreams of having a family and having a companion whom you love and grow old with. I was taught about love and marriage and a happy life and a good old American values, but, there were no chapters on breakups and heartbreaks. I wish they were because that is also very much a part of our lives.

 

when you love someone so deep and it is rejected something inside you dies. All you wanted was to love and be loved in return. Such a simple thing turned out to be so hard. I can understand why you say that you will take him back if he came back to you. I would probably do the same thing if I were you. It goes against all logic but somehow I think you know that it will give you peace .............atleast for a while. however I don't think it will be the best for you in the long run.

Hope is the most powerful of all human strengths which keeps us going at such times. Please try and meet someone who you will believe will love you and care for you always. He may not be the great love of your life but he my be the next best thing for you.

[confused_male_32]

that's not a problem! this is why we are here. Please vent as much as much as you feel like.

Remember that in a storm a tree falls but a reed bends and stands up again once the storm has passed. Be flexible and open to views of other people.

I just had the worst night of my life....but I am guess that you are too consumed in your own grief to hear about it.

Anyway, I am glad you had a chance to vent.

lots of love

Confused_male_32

[sonjam]

Kpow, my heart is with you girl, Ive been following your posts, and I too, want to tell you don't dispair, it will get easier, and better.

 

As for the wench upstairs, you should like DN said "fake it 'till you make it". Always look your best, look happy, go places, have fun, show her that she is drawing on the short stick, you are BETTER AND PRETTIER than her, she can NEVER replace you, not as a gf, mother or anything else. That is the worst thing you can do to that couple, get over them, and show them that you are now in a better state, doing fine, and not moping.

 

I can just imagine her secret delight at your state of misery, and I wish I could scratch her eyes out .....

 

But you know what, not everyone has the good morals and standing that we do, she will get what she deserves for what she has done to you and your family, and to be honest, it was not just her fault, he was easily distracted.

 

It gives them power to think they have this effect on you. DON'T LET THEM. STand up, shake the dust of, and move forward. You deserve better, so do your kids.

 

I know it is horrible feeling lonely with no one to love, but you will find love again. you can count on it. First start loving your self again, and never stop loving your kids. There's a lot of good guys out there, that will love you, and the kids. I know, I have at least 3 friends like that, boys dating and marrying girls with kids from previous relationships, and other girl friends dating very nice guys.

 

Believe in yourself. We believe in you.

[sonjam]

YOu know what, it's best that way. YOu will be able to make a fresh start, in a new home, and you know what they say: a change is as good as a holiday!!

 

Kpow, I know you know you are better off without him (them), start smiling again, things will be great again soon.

[kpow]

So ex is coming by tonight to see the kids--- ahhhh. I am going to try to not be here at all so there will be no chance of breaking down like idiot, making scene, and various other self-destructive things that I tend to do when in the same room with him. I look to the day that I can walk into a room with my head high, my high heels on, and not have a second thought in regards to that man.

 

Overall I feel better, but I am scared that the pit is lurking near, and I may fall into it. And in terms of "better" I mean not completely overcome 24/7. I still feel numb, melancholy, sad, weepy. If a song by Coldplay comes on, I am all tears, thinking about "us". But it is a functional, if not enjoyable, state. I am tired. Exhausted, actually. Work is consuming-- I am in the ER all weekend.

 

Me and the kids are going to Disneyworld in a few weeks with my mom. That should be fun-- a nice break. i have been thinking about taking a vacation on my own-- like to Egypt, or Budapest, or somewhere exotic like that. Like I posted before, part of this process is a soul-search. i feel my soul fled two months ago when I walked into his apartment and found Cindy there. My soul got the hell out of Dodge. I am searching for it now, I feel. My center, my ground, my core--- where is it?