A Second Chance to Get Hurt

[L8RISER]

There seems to be a common theme to many of these threads: You got dumped, did NC for a while, then the ex sudden says they miss you and want to be back in your arms - "Yes, finally the words I wanted to hear..." What should you do?

 

Has no one here ever been the dumper? Did you not go through the I-made-a big-mistake phase? I did. Did I make a big mistake? Not in the slightest. People break up for all sorts of reasons, and some of them are pretty damn stupid (especially when you're the dumpee), but they're valid reasons to at least one of you, and that's all it takes.

 

The first time I got dumped and then got back together, one of my friends said, "a second chance is a second chance to get hurt." If only my emotions hadn't clouded my head, and I had listen to him. In that relationship alone I got dumped FOUR times - what the h*ll was I thinking? Finally, I came to my senses, and I made the finally break. But...I still missed him and made the mistake of "hooking up" a couple times after that. Why? Because it's still hard to forget someone even when you're the dumper. You're still haunted by memories of better times from the past, and you wish you could go back. But here's the thing - you wish you could go back to the past, not the present.

 

The couple times I "hooked up" with the ex, I realized that I had made the right choice in dumping him. I felt like I had gone back in time - it wasn't the future. He thought "hooking up" meant more than just hanging out and having sex. It didn't. Now it was my time to screw with HIS feelings. But not intentionally, I was honestly confused. It was the first time I had dumped someone. I was having all kinds of strange and unexpected emotions. It felt so right when I dumped him, but a few weeks later, it felt so wrong. The dumpers go through ups and down as well, not just the dumpees.

 

The point of this story is: when you were together, something was not right; not right enough to one person that they ended something that was very special to them in the past. It was a hard choice, but they made. It might seem like it was a careless, easy, and cold choice to you, the dumpee, but I guarantee they are going through their own *mod edit*. If they aren't, they are not human, or worth calling human. Get back together and that person is going to remember why they broke up in the first place. Things only get harder after a break up. The difficulty that caused the break up only gets big and harder to deal with.

 

I know there are cases where people get back together and are still in a happy relationship years later. But I'm not going to even entertain that notion because if you tell people, 99% of second chances fail, they are going to say thier relationship will be that 1%. We all think our situation is unique. It's not. How many threads sound like your story? People break up; that's life. How many of us over 30 are still in their first relationship? Even more importantly, how many of us wish their were still in the first relationship? Not me, for one.

 

Your ex misses you. You miss your ex. That's because you both have good memories. Don't ruin them with a *mod edit* up future. I got dumped recently and it hurts like h*ll because I've got two years of great memories in my head. I still love him, but not enough to hate myself. My ex misses me, and has told me that he feels like his making the biggest mistake of his life. My answer: "Yup!" Been there, done that.

[Lovesick64]

L8riser,

I dumped my boyfriend of 18 months. He lives a shout away from me which makes it even harder. I want to call him and tell him that I miss him blah blah blah, but I haven't. Why? Because he probably already knows it for himself and probably doesn't want to talk to me. He hasn't called me either which kinda made me mad in the beginning because I wanted him to call me. I miss him terribly, but there is no way we could get back together. I have taken the time to reevaluate the relationship and myself. I concluded that I deserved better treatment from him and a second time around would not be any better. I had to take a long look at myself on the inside to determine what was wrong with me that made me put up with his crap for so long. I realized that I have "rescue issues". I was trying to save him and I couldn't. I can only save myself by getting out of the relationship. He was my bestest friend which hurts even more. Right now I am working on my "stuff" so I can be healthy and have a healthy relationship in the future. The author of the book, "He's just not that into you" said that you should never let anyone break up with you more than once.

[L8RISER]

*mod edit*

Lol, yeah, I guess I needed more than one "*" in those words. Anyhoo...

 

You should only allow someone to break up with you once. Absolutely. Some of us have to learn that the hard way I guess. But learn I did. I have had little one week break ups which I have gotten back together afterward. If it's been a week or two, if nothing's happened (ie a third person) and the issue was something fixable, then it can still work (ie a resentment-free relationship.) But out side of those criteria, no way!

[cb2000]

Where do you get your statistic of 99% of second chances don't work? Please state your sources.

[L8RISER]

I just used that figure to make a point. What I am getting at is that when we are in a break up, we grab for any little bit of hope, however irrational it may be. If you tell someone who is in a break up that a second chance could work, but might not - they are going to hear "could work" - period. Yeah, some second chances do work out. But how many people make it to a second chance. It's fine to hold out hope for a while, but eventually it holds you back.

 

I don't know how many second chances fail. I know mine have. So there's a question:

 

How many people are in a successful "second chance" relationship?

 

or,

 

Does anyone have a horror story about a second chance?

[cb2000]

Ok I was dumped by an ex, we were apart for 6 months saw other people got back together and stayed together for 6 years after that.

The reasons for her leaving the relationship never came back into our

relationship but we developed different problems instead. I'm not trying to give anyone false hope with telling my story. I am still friends with this

woman and look back with awe at how great we had it so long ago. I know that thats my past and would not trade that for anything in the world.

[nataliejulie]

I'm enduring the second chance right now.

 

We were not happy. He broke it off with me. I was devestated.

 

We missed each other. We had good memories.

 

BUT...

 

Ever since we started dating again, we have made NEW memories. We have not settled in the same routine. Everything feels NEW and very exciting. I'm having more fun with him right now than I ever had before. I honestly think a break up was what we needed, like a wake up call.

 

I think tragedy changes a person. I used to be very up tight, very over reacting about everything, very smothering. And right now I can honestly say I just like being with him. I don't care what we do, who's around, where we are at; I just like being with him. I feel very calm, very out going, very positive and comfortable.

 

Yes, I agree that sometimes when people break up and try again they only soon realize why they broke up in the first place... but that's because it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I wasn't a believer in second chances. Then I realized... sometimes second chances are healthy. Second time around, it's easier to get over because you know you've TRIED and it just didn't work out. I think it's better than sitting around wondering "what if's" and "I wonder's"

 

Most of the people on this board ask for interpretations of "WHAT WAS HE THINKING?" "WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THIS?" "DID I MAKE A MISTAKE?" The answers are usually more vivid the second time around. I know if my ex decides he is still not happy, I would be okay with that. We tried, it just didn't work out.

[Juha]

I have never wanted to try a second chance before as I never felt it was worth it or never had the feelings I do for this person..

 

I really think a second chance or to me a new beginning with my recent ex is something I want to try....

 

I don't know if that will ever happen as we have been broken for almost 4 months and I am in NC for a month now....

 

We were great friends before we were together and best friends together...

She broke because i had my anxiety come back and did not know and I was not nice toher or anyone else for months...Now I have my anxiety in check and will not fall down again but she is with someone else...

 

I know at some point in the future we will have some kind of relationship just don't know what...

[coooolsome]

I think it depends on the people. A second chance can only be successful if both parties are willing to work out what went wrong. Sometimes time is the only thing that can fix the problems. Me and my ex were at different points in our life. I was ready to settle down, she was still in college. She didnt know how her life was going to pan out and got scared. I know that if we ever do get back together that there are things I need to talk to her about. Things I realized that were wrong. I am changing for the better b/c of the breakup and I want her to know that it could never be the same.

[CATLOVER]

I have to admit Ive never been great at clean breaks...Ive tried but Ive always managed it would seem to have at least another try at a relationship. This I agree has caused more pain than needed at any given time but I must say...in hindsight on any relationship Ive ever had I can say surely without even a hesitation of doubt that I gave my best try......which I guess has resulted in me having absolutely no regrets or what ifs....when something of mine does end, when ive flogged it like a dead horse (LMAO) I know there was not a thing more could be done and for some reason thats leaves a lovely clean emotional slate once the emotions finally clear.

But thats just me, and Ive seen heaps of people leave cleanly and move on to new relationships in a healthy time......

Probably just depends on the person or people involved......I hate any feelings of unfinished business or any lingering doubts.