dunno_whats_wrong Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 hi, i have a big problem on my hands. I'm going out with guy who i love very much for about 2 years and 8 months and its very serious. When he was on holiday in the summer i went to a friends house for a few drinks. She invited a few male friends but i didn't know this till the next day beacuse i was drunk. Aparently i was gettin off with these two guys. I haven't yet told my boyfriend. I'm being threatened by one of the guys to tell him or he will, but i don't want my bf to leave me. He says he has photos of me on his phone which he would uses as evidence. Im scared and very upset by this. Should i tell my boy friend or just try to ignore it? any advice would be very helpful. oh and also this is the first time i have cheated on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 What do they allege that you did - kissing, or actual sex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkblue Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 A cheat or a liar? Tell him out straight what you done, apologise, explain and leave it at that. If he wants to leave you - he has every reason to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Are you sure that you actually did this stuff??? I mean, did you black out? It sounds like you did, if you don't have any recollection of doing this stuff.... That's pretty scary. Was your drink spiked? I know no matter how drunk I get, I still have some general idea of what I'm doing. If you're blacking out, that definitely means you have a problem with alcohol, probably one that's even more pressing than your potential problem with your boyfriend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 It all depends on your approach, some will say that you need to be honest while others will say that you can just deny that it happened. Its important that you make up your own mind for this issue because you have to live with the consequences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ang3l2004 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I say tell him because he has the right the know the truth, Honesty is the best thing when it comes to situation because it gives him and you and chance to move on together or apart but atleast he will know,You were drunk and you realize that you did something wrong so tell him that you are sorry but it may be hard for him to forgive you but if he truly cares there is ways at working everything out! I wish you the best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Aparently i was gettin off with these two guys. I haven't yet told my boyfriend. I'm being threatened by one of the guys to tell him or he will, but i don't want my bf to leave me. Are you SURE that you were messing with these guys? Have you actually SEEN the photo? These may be empty threats....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cinderelly Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 i would tell that guy you want to see the photo. like annie said, how do you know for sure that you did anything? wow, the people"s house you went to that night don't sound like they are very good friends to you at all. i would really talk with your bf about this and tell him you don't know what happened. tell him you thought you were with friends but apparently you wasn't. Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunno_whats_wrong Posted October 5, 2005 Author Share Posted October 5, 2005 He says that they were doing stuff to my body like kissing me and that. I don't have a problem with alcohol just can't remember. Do you think its too late to tell him? beacause it was in the middle of the summer holidays that this happened Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 He says that they were doing stuff to my body like kissing me and that. I don't have a problem with alcohol just can't remember. Do you think its too late to tell him? beacause it was in the middle of the summer holidays that this happened Honey - I do think you have a problem with alcohol if you're drinking so much that you don't remember what has happened. Blacking out is definitely a sign of alcohol abuse. The other possibility is that you were drugged - a "friend" slipped something in your drink without your knowledge. How much did you have to drink? I can tell you, even on my worst nights (ie, 21st birthday), I still know what I'm doing and remember what I did. Now, I know - a lot of the stuff I did was pretty stupid - but I remember it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunno_whats_wrong Posted October 5, 2005 Author Share Posted October 5, 2005 Well if my drink was spiked what should i do? I just feel i have left it too late to do anything. I thought things were forgetten and it was going fine until this guy started talking to me and say that he'll tell my bf. That night i had about a 1/4 bottle of vodka, some wkd, coke and jack daniels and one of the guys had absenth in some wkd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Yeah, that amount of alcohol could do it. It is interesting that you were told they were doing stuff to your body. If you were not responsive that is sexual assault. In fact, in Canada, if you were not capable of making a proper decision because of alcohol it would still be sexual assault. You could try telling these people that if the photos they have show anything like that you will have no hesitation about pressing charges. Say it as if you mean it- even if you don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunno_whats_wrong Posted October 5, 2005 Author Share Posted October 5, 2005 but is it too late? to late to press charges and to tell my bf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Yes, definitely - if you had that much to drink, you were not capable of consenting, thereforeeee it was sexual assault if anything happened. However, I don't know if you can file a report because you don't even know if anything even did happen. You have not cheated! Why did you drink so much that night? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunno_whats_wrong Posted October 5, 2005 Author Share Posted October 5, 2005 i dunno. They kept giving me drinks and i thougth they were just being nice, But now i'm gonna be more careful. thanks for all the advice! yous guys are really helpful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Yes, like DN said - tell the guy that you had crazy amounts to drink that night, that you were drunk and blacked out, have no memory of the incident. If he sends the photo to your boyfriend, you will take it to the police as it is evidence of sexual assault. Yes, and now you know, you have to be careful how much you drink. Just because people keep pouring doesn't mean you should keep drinking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fine_wine Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 the truth always prevails dont smother yourself or him in a snowball of lies..fess up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 the truth always prevails dont smother yourself or him in a snowball of lies..fess up Other than drinking too much it it would appear that she has nothing to 'fess up to, Do not present this to your boyfriend as if you were cheating by having sexual encounters with other people. If you are going to tell him, and I think perhaps you should, then tell him exactly what happened and only what you know for sure happened. Don't 'plead guilty' to something you may not have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkblue Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 the truth always prevails dont smother yourself or him in a snowball of lies..fess up Other than drinking too much it it would appear that she has nothing to 'fess up to, Do not present this to your boyfriend as if you were cheating by having sexual encounters with other people. If you are going to tell him, and I think perhaps you should, then tell him exactly what happened and only what you know for sure happened. Don't 'plead guilty' to something you may not have done. Yes, plead guilty on grounds of diminished responsibility... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 the truth always prevails dont smother yourself or him in a snowball of lies..fess up Other than drinking too much it it would appear that she has nothing to 'fess up to, Do not present this to your boyfriend as if you were cheating by having sexual encounters with other people. If you are going to tell him, and I think perhaps you should, then tell him exactly what happened and only what you know for sure happened. Don't 'plead guilty' to something you may not have done. DITTO!!!! I don't understand why everyone is coming down on her for the "sexual incident." First of all, she doesn't even know if it happened. She has no recollection of it. In the US and Canada, having sexual contact with such a person is SEXUAL ASSAULT. She is NOT responsible for being sexually assaulted. The only thing she can really "fess up to" is having too way too much to drink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fine_wine Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 i wasnt commming down on the lass so much as i was trying to emphasize that if she feels she did wrong in her heart fess up..otherwise drop it.. guilt will KILL you slowly..and if you feel you did nothing,then as i said carry on....cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 I agree with Annie on this one. It sounds like these guys have committed a sexual assault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunno_whats_wrong Posted October 6, 2005 Author Share Posted October 6, 2005 But if i tell him and he doesn't believe me my friends wont help me. They will say that i wanted to and i enjoyed it and so he would believe them. ( i don't have very nice friends here in scotland) So i have no evidence that i had blanked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Are you being serious? I get the impression that you are very.... well, impressionable and easily swayed by people. So, please, listen to us. 1) If you can't remember it - YOU BLACKED OUT!!!!!!! 2) Your so-called "friends" - they are jerks and who cares what they say. It's not their business anyways. 3) I do think you should talk to your boyfriend if you really think these "friends" are going to tell him stuff. Tell your boyfriend THE TRUTH! Which is that you don't remember what happened. You drank waaaayyyyy too much, passed out. You don't remember anything, and now these people are alleging that they did sexual stuff to you while you were passed out. 4) Remind these people that you did NOT consent. You cannot consent when you are passed out. You cannot consent when you are asleep. And if they insist that you participated, that you will GO TO THE POLICE and file charges!!!!! Stand up for yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coma Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Devil's advocate as always here, but... If you were my girlfriend and kept this from me for so long I would be seriously tempted to break up with you. But if you present it to him like you don't know if it happened, maybe he can be a man about it and go talk to these guys himself. Let him work it out with them as to what happened and what didn't. That aside, if you are telling the truth about not remembering anything, I feel bad for you. Losing someone you love and not even remembering the crime has got to be tough. No matter what, though, it is my opinion that you should tell him as soon as possible what was told to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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