Can't shake the past....and its eating at me

[Duffy2005]

My wife (of one year) have an awesome relationship. We get along great and share so many good times together. She seems to be extremely in love with me and committed. She is very affectionate. Everything is wonderful.

Except..... I am not entirely convinced I can fully trust her. When we were dating and even after we were first married I caught her having flirtacious (and worse) conversations with men on the internet. When we first moved in together, I saw a message where she was setting up a date during the day to meet a guy for the sole purpose of having sex. Confronted, she said the guy never showed up. I'll never know the truth. Needless to say, we almost broke up over that incident. Then occasionally, I would find her being "sneaky" on the computer...trying to have conversations when I wasn't looking or asleep. We've had several fights over all this. Most of the time I don't have hard evidence of what she has done or said on line. I did catch her last December having a very sexy conversation with a guy.

My problem is she still occasionally seems to be sneaky on the computer. She only seems to use it when I leave or if I take a shower, etc. If I am in the room she positions the laptop in such a way that I can't see what she is doing. If i get out of my chair, sometimes it seems like she starts clicking things real quick...like she is closing windows.

We haven't had any discussions (fights) about all this for quite a while...I am trying to trust her. Plus, I think once or twice when I accused her of being sneaky or hiding something, I think I was wrong. So she gets mad for not trusting her. The only way I can really find out what is going on is to read her email or check her instant message archive....which I don't want to do. But that is one of the ways I caught her in the past.

If I accuse her falsely too many more times, I'm afraid our relationship will be harmed. But it gnaws at me to think she may be having illicit conversattions behind my back. I know she is having instant message conversations with guys, but they may be totally platonic and innocent. But I'm afraid that she may be talking to guys she knows locally too...and may be tempted to meet up with them. My problem is in the past I was right when my instincts told me she was doing something wrong. My instincts are telling me that again. >>>

What to do? If I bring this up and I'm wrong, i'll look like a jealous fool. She won't admit it if she was. But I hate this gnawing feeling....

[Süsser Tod]

I'll just answer to you with this:

 

When we were dating and even after we were first married I caught her having flirtacious (and worse) conversations with men on the internet. When we first moved in together, I saw a message where she was setting up a date during the day to meet a guy for the sole purpose of having sex. Confronted, she said the guy never showed up. I'll never know the truth

 

 

That means she was actually there waiting for that guy to show up, that is how she knows he never showed up.

 

And if she did that once, how many other times do you think she has done it before and after that one, where "the guy" actually showed up?

 

 

 

I've seen this before, you're blinded by love, and only way you woudl accept it is to find them together on your couch when you come home back from work.

[heloladies21]

What the??? Trying to trust her? Why would you do this?

 

Either you trust her or you don't, and even though us guys can imagine things sometimes, it's always important to trust your gut and pay extra attention to details.

 

You caught her trying to meet another guy. There's no way to misinterpret this. She's not fully committed to you and there's nothing you can do to change her.

 

People only change if they want to, not because someone else tells them to.

[Hope75]

Personally it sounds to me like you are being taken for a ride here.

 

Your WIFE should not be having conversations of this nature with other men and no wonder you don't trust her-- she was planning to meet another guy for sex and the only reason it didn't happen is because he didn't show up!

 

You have a good reason not to trust her, she is secretive and conniving, and I think it's time you talk to her about it and how you still (with good reason) have lingering doubts about her online activites.

 

You do not have a "great" relationship with someone whom you cannot trust and who tried to get another guy to sleep with her while you were together, and whom is having sexy convos online with other men.

 

Have you considered counseling? Something needs to change, and the fault here is not with you, it's your wife that gives you good reason to feel suspicious.

[Duffy2005]

Hope 75: The trying to get some guy to sleep with her happened a long time ago..very early in our relationship. If I still thought she was doing stuff like that, I'd throw her out with the garbage. The only real thing that I makes me uncomfortable today (because of her antics in the past) is that she occasionally APPEARS to be doing things on the computer that she doesn't want me to see. The reason that makes me uncomfortable is when we first started living together, she did a LOT of sneaky conversing with other guys on the computer. I'd wake up at night thinking she was in bed asleep beside me, realize she wasn't in bed and then see her coming to the bedroom to "make sure I was still asleep"...then go back to her computer. I also know she did stuff like that while I was at work.

We had several fights about it and it seemed like she stopped doing it. Then one day a couple of months after we were married I caught her red handed having very flirtatious conversation on line with an old "friend". We had a big blow-up, which I think finally got through to her. I told her very clearly that we wouldn't stay married if I had to wonder what she was doing with other people...either on line, on the phone or in person. She wrote me a note and she promised we would not have that problem again.

 

But....when I enter the room and it looks like she is trying to close a window on her computer before I see it......it brings back bad memories and conjures up those old hurt feelings.

 

I love this woman so much it hurts....and in every other aspect, she seems to be madly in love with me. I shower her with attention and affection.

 

I've keep just trusting her...but I keep my eyes and ears open with being too nosey or suspicious.

[Hope75]

It sounds to me like you still have good reason not to trust her! This "past" behaviour that you have caught her doing has only gotten her to change one thing, and that is to be more clever at hiding it from you so she doesn't get caught.

 

So this incident where she tried to get another guy to sleep with her is in the past, afterwards she still had sexy convos online with other men and hid it from you, and is now still being secretive and hiding things from you!

 

I don't think you "have" to trust her, trust is something that is earned, and she's done plenty to give you good reason not to trust her.

[RayKay]

I really don't think she is earning your trust right now, and I am not so sure you should be freely giving it to her!

 

If she really had nothing to hide, she would NOT be hiding anything. After that incident, she should of basically been willing to be a totally open book. Her behaviour - hiding windows, her screen is EXTREMLY suspicious behaviour and it would seem to me that based on her past, you may have a pretty good idea of what she may be up to.

 

I really think some major steps need to be taken here, don't trust someone whom has clearly not earned nor deserves it.

 

Sorry, but if I am in a committed relationship, never mind a marriage, there is no way I carry on with having sexy/flirtatious conversations with others, or book "meetings" with them either. The only person whom I do that with is my partner!

 

I do think something is suspicious in her behaviour here. Maybe she is "mad about you" to even help cover these things up....

[yeawutever]

She'll always be a cyber addict, no wonder u don't trust her, she still wans't change her behavior. She even try to cheat on u by setting up a date for she can screw the guy who didn't showed up. But then ok, wut about guys that did showed up like Susser Tod say it, wut if she did the deed already long ago and u don't know. Maybe she did it and now is still doing it, by being more smarter and discreetly at hiding the convos.

[krissy]

Duffy,

I was in the same position as you. Confused as hell because my "bf" was bad in the past, during the start of our relationship. Sending naked pictures over chatlines and god knows what else. I'll never know if he met up with anyone or not. Every time he was near a computer my heart would go up in my throat. I would wonder "what is he doing now" and then he would blame me for not trusting him and threaten to break up with me until i trusted him. I thought i was being rational in not being able to trust him on the computer because of the past and so I thought he should be the one to prove to me that I could trust him. But that never happened. He would just explode at me if I ever questioned anything. He kept telling me that he is defensive by nature and that getting mad and defensive didnt mean he was hiding anything. But in my books, if I get mad and defensive, there is something I'm trying to cover up. But who knows, everyone is different.

 

How did things turn out in your situation?

[OverParanoid]

My problem is she still occasionally seems to be sneaky on the computer. She only seems to use it when I leave or if I take a shower, etc. If I am in the room she positions the laptop in such a way that I can't see what she is doing. If i get out of my chair, sometimes it seems like she starts clicking things real quick...like she is closing windows.

 

 

I say if she did it once she can do it again, and again and again, Dont let your guard down, but seems to me you have the right to be suspicious considering the previous acts as you noted . The fact that she gets mad and defensive should be all the more reason to have your doubts, In my book I would take that as having something to hide and being paranoid when questioned...Every person is different but being one step ahead of her is better then being left in the dark, dont ya think??

[marijo2480]

Duffy, if your relationship didn't have problems, you wouldn't be posting here. Thus, the first thing you need to realize is that what she is doing is making you feel insecure, and distrusting of her actions. Then you have to ask yourself what she is doing to make you feel this way. Let's look at the past:

 

a) she was suppose to meet up with a guy to have sex with him, but he didn't show up

b) you caught her, but she continued to chat with guys online by having very "sexy" conversations

c) you are currently suspicious of her again and she "appears" to be talking to guys online again

 

The problem here is that what's apparent to us, isn't apparent to you. What "is" apparent to us is the lack of love and respect that this woman has for you, regardless of what she verbally feeds you with. Her actions don't speak of a wife that loves and respects her husband. Personally, you've taken a lot more than most of us in your shoes would've put up with.

 

If you want helpful advice, and not the kind that you necessarily want to hear, than do what you have to do get the proof you need to show that she "is" cheating on you, or "would" cheat on you if she had the opportunity. Whether or not you want someone like that in your life is up to you. Some people are weak and would rather have bad company beside them, rather than having no company.

 

The choice is yours. Good luck!

[Duffy2005]

You are probably all right. But I can't help but think one of two situations is going on: a) She may have changed and I'm paranoid (rightfully so) about the past, or b) she hasn't changed but rather has become more clever about her convo's or just does it less frequently.

 

Its not like she goes out and runs the streets until the early morning...she actually never goes anywhere at night. But....right now it is 10 pm here and she is at work (she only works late one night per week)...and i can't help but wonder...

 

I think its an attention thing for her...She admitted when we first met that she loved to flirt all the time. I'm sure it was primarily because the attention was flattering...she is almost 40 yet guys half her age are attracted to her because she looks so young. I believe she doesn't flirt as much (whether online or in-person), but how would I know?

 

A long time ago, I caught her by creating a fake online persona and "lureing" her in to see how much she would flirt with someone when she was supposed to be in a committed relationship. Maybe its time to do that again..

 

I can't check her email or IM's...and don't feel comfortable doing so. But I can see who she is having Instant Message Chats with by looking at the archive file (cant read them, but they're filed by name and time). Nothing there looks incriminating...but its easy to delete messages if one wanted to.

 

Don't know why I'm rambling...just wish I could find out and move on. (Sigh)

[RayKay]

It's my personal opinion that if you feel you need to create a fake persona online to "lure" her in, the relationship is in way too much trouble already and it's time to end it anyway. I think the way you feel is justified, honestly from what you have said, she is up to some suspicious behaviour (secrecy/hiding things) are not exactly....healthy.

 

I don't know, have you considered counselling ever?

[Hope75]

I agree with RayKay on this one. A healthy relationship is based on trust and mutual respect for one another, and I don't see her respecting you and you don't trust her, and with good reason.

 

When you have to "trick" your wife to see if she is (again!) up to no good, I think it's time to throw in the towel, don't you? Or at the very least, as RayKay mentioned, seek counseling.

 

A relationship does not just "get over" something like this, and just because she is "not out on the street" does not mean she isn't flirting and essentially cheating on you with other men online. Ah, the advent of the internet.

 

You defend her actions alot, but they seem pretty clear cut to me. Attractive or not, sexy or not, wanting the attention or now, she is a married woman, and her place to be getting this attention is from you and with you, not other men, online or not.

[xvee]

I doubt you'll read this since you posted awhile ago but one day on her laptop remove her internet explorer and download advant. Its a type of internet browser. When you x out windows, you can restore them by clicking on the advant browser icon =) And if she is using aim, they always have those conversation savers. Maybe you'll see that she is really being faithful online, but then again i doubt it. you seem like a really nice and wonderful guy, i hope it works out =)

 

Relationships are killers if there isn't any trust =/