Is it wrong?

[frustrated101]

I'm 31 yrs old, I have bf that I love and I'm very independent. It has been 4 yrs now and my mother doesn't seem to want to let it go, she wants me to get pregnant. She says that because I'm 31 that I don't have many more years left and that if I want children then I should have one soon. Well the problem is, I don't want children. I decided this when I was basically 25 but my mother just doesn't seem to want to let it go. Is it wrong of me not to want to have children, I keep thinking that maybe I'm making a mistake? Oh and my bf has no problem with me not wanting to have children.

[DaLostSoul]

well i dunno why u dont want to have a child, r u afraid of any responsibilities? don't u wana see how ur genes will look like after it combine with ur bf's genes? don't u want to impart ur knowledge nor looks nor riches to anyone closer to you aside from sibling and relatives? well if ur happy with u are ryt now, i couldn't see nay reason why not take a stand on what u wnat. however, having a child is a different case and a new challenege that u want to consider, no one will stay young anyway...

[frustrated101]

Don't get me wrong I love to be around children. I just don't think of myself as the mothering type.

[nikkers04]

When I was younger I remember telling myself that I didn't want children. But my views have changed I do want children just not until I'm older....There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have them. Your mother just wants to be a grandma....but she needs to respect the fact that you don't want them...which is nothing wrong with that. I'm only 19 and my step dad is the same way...he is like u need to hurry and have a baby...he never had a kid of his own...just took care of me and my sis but he wants a baby around....and it bothers me...becasue I'm not ready. I tell him to have one himself but it donesn't go over well!

GOOD LUCK

[frustrated101]

Well it can't be the grandmother thing because my youngest brother has two children of his own. One is with the mother (the x) and the most recent one now lives with her father, mother and grand parents all in the same house. I have told her many times that I am just not the type of person to have children.

[shes2smart]

It's not wrong of you to not want children. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. If you know that about yourself, then it is responsible of you to make a conscious choice to be childless and follow up with the actions to make sure you stay that way. Your mother can express her opinion and her desires all she wants, but she doesn't live your life and she wouldn't be the one who'd have the job of raising your child. If that's not something you want to take on, then don't.

 

When I was about 15, I started suspecting I wasn't going to want children. By the time I was in my early 20's, I knew for sure that I didn't want any. I observed the kind of lifestyle people who didn't have kids had and the kind of lifestyle people who did have kids had, and I much preferred what I saw with a child-free lifestyle. It's now 20 years later, I'm 41, I still don't want 'em and I have no regrets about that decision at all.

 

Leave the job of parenting to those who really want it. You're an adult, and I'll assume you are financially self-supporting and on your own...if that's the case, you are free to completely ignore your mother on this issue. You can politely tell her you don't want a child, ask her not to bring it up anymore, and if she does you can either change the topic or end that conversation. I used the "ending the conversation" technique to good effect with my parents when they started prying into areas of my life they had no business asking about....well, when I still had contact with them, anyway. But that's another story completely unrelated to having kids, so we won't get into that.

 

Having a child because someone else (parents, family, spouse or baby's daddy) wants you to have one is a bad idea. You may warm up to the idea once the baby is born and find it rewarding....then again, there's an equal chance you may not and just have your lack of enthusiam for parenting confirmed. It's not like getting a puppy or a kitten...once you have a child, you can't take it back and you can't change your mind...you're stuck with that decision for at least 18 years (and probably more). Frankly, I think that is too big a risk to take. If you know you don't want kids or you aren't sure if you want kids, don't have 'em.

[nexus532]

do what you want to do, not what your mother wants you to do.

[LoveDarby]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Not every woman is maternal enough to want kids, and that's fine. I never want kids, but I'm great with my friends kids. I've known that I don't want children since I was old enough to know where they came from. My mom pushed me a lot too, because of all her kids I have had the longest relationship (5 1/2 years). Just let her know it's your choice, not hers, and if you choose not to procreate she needs to accept it. It took my mother quite a while to accept my decision, but she eventually came around. Now my fiance's mother is a whole different story...

[Glorie]

I'm 33 and have no desire to raise a child. I'm fortunate that the man I plan to marry feels the same. Personally, I think far too many women have babies just because they think it's what they're supposed to do, or because their "clock is ticking" or their family expects it or whatever.

 

I feel you should only become a parent if your heart desires it, and if you want to committ to this child for the rest of your life. It's not something to go into half-heartedly; you wouldn't be doing yourself or the child any favours. I know that my own mother gave 100% to me and I have too much respect for motherhood to head into it without the same enthusiasm. Good for you for knowing yourself, and don't be ashamed!

[Miss M]

Is it wrong of me not to want to have children, I keep thinking that maybe I'm making a mistake? Oh and my bf has no problem with me not wanting to have children.

I've wanted to be a mother ever since I was 4 years old. But I've never ever thought anyone else was wrong for not wanting to have children, and it thoroughly amazes me when someone else tries to pressure a woman into having children that she doesn't want.

 

I'd say your mother doesn't get a vote in the decision. Do what you want and don't let her pressure you. And since your partner agrees with you, you don't need to explain it or justify it to anyone else. Just be at peace and ignore everybody else.

[BellaDonna]

Is it wrong of me not to want to have children, I keep thinking that maybe I'm making a mistake? Oh and my bf has no problem with me not wanting to have children

 

It is not wrong for you to not want to have children. You know yourself well and you know what you want in life. Raising a child is not for everyone.

 

Sadly, there are still some people in the world who will tell you you are wrong- and that a woman's purpose in life is to have a child. Some people will see you as nothing more than a walking womb/uterus.....they'll tell you things like "Oh you'll change your mind" etc They'll make you seem like some freak of nature for defying your socalled "biological destiny". They tell themselves you that you'll "snap out of it one day". Just ignore them!

 

Women, and couples, can live very satisfyling lives without having children, if thats' what they choose.

 

If more people thought about this topic in greater depth (like you do)- the world would be a better place- because there are many people that have children for the WRONG reasons.....then they don't raise them properly, or be the responsbile parents they should be.

 

Your mother will get over it.

 

The pressure can be quite annoying and enough to make you want to rip your hair out. I know this first hand. My husband and I do want one child-but later in life- and we get a lot of pressure from in-laws because we've been together for 10 years total. When they ask us when we're going to have a baby- we tell them it's our business. Bottom line: the people that tell you to have children are NOT the ones awake at 3am feeding a newborn, they are not the ones that take days out of work to tend to a sick child, they are not the ones that can't travel as much, they are not the ones paying for the child, etc. Of course the benefits to having a child (if you WANT one) far outweigh the costs- but there are major lifestyle changes that go along with it. So it is easier SAID (by an outsider) than done (by you).

 

Throughout life there will be tons of people preaching to you about what you should and shouldn't be doing. Moms are especially known for that (it's basically their job). Ultimately you have to follow your heart and what you WANT. If your mother loves you unconditionally, she will accept your decision and love you for you.

 

BellaDonna

[annie24]

Here's another vote in support of you doing what you'd like. I don't understand why some people want to force others to have children. Then, there are plenty of loving gay couples out there that would like to adopt, and people are blocking them too. It's like some weird control issue that people have.

 

I'm undecided. I don't have any overwhelming urge to have kids. I guess if I met and fell in love with a man who really really wanted them, I would go along with it. Conversly, if I met a man who didn't want kids, I wouldn't have them. Really, I don't care. (Maybe that means I shouldn't have kids! )

 

Like everyone said, it's YOU who is going to have to feed and change the baby and go to the doctor and blah blah blah. Tell your mother that it's your life and your choices and that if you do ever decide to get pregnant, she'll be the first (well, second) to know. Until then, tell her that the conversation is closed.

[BellaDonna]

annie24,

 

Conversly, if I met a man who didn't want kids, I wouldn't have them. Really, I don't care. (Maybe that means I shouldn't have kids! )

 

Thats' the way I was. I never played with dolls as a kid- I always played with stuffed animals. I adored my brother and sister when they were babies- and I do enjoy kids in general- but I never said "I want to be a mom". I only now feel an urge to have a child- mainly because I found my husband and he really would be the only person on earth I would have a kid with. It's kind of one of those things where I can do anything with him by my side. I also know he'd be an excellant dad and be there for me and our child 100%. So if he wants to have kids, I want to- and if he doesn't, that's ok with me too- because as long as I'm with him I'm guarenteed happiness. Sometimes it takes the right man for you to have that desire for a baby, and some will never have that desire.

 

It's all "ok".

 

BellaDonna

[frustrated101]

Thanks everyone for all your advice I now feel a lot more comfortable with my decision to not having children.

[annie24]

frustrated - glad to hear you feel better about it. As you see, plenty of women here feel exactly the same way you do.

 

BellaDonna - Thanks, I don't know of many other women who are "on the fence" like I am. Glad to hear that you found a wonderful partner to make these big decisions with!

[shes2smart]

Some people will see you as nothing more than a walking womb/uterus.....they'll tell you things like "Oh you'll change your mind" etc They'll make you seem like some freak of nature for defying your socalled "biological destiny". They tell themselves you that you'll "snap out of it one day". Just ignore them!

 

Nah, I like to tell them -- in excruicating detail -- about my Polycystic Ovaries (link removed) and Adenomyosis (link removed). Nothing like hearing about someone else's medical conditions in vivid detail to make a person sorry they said anything in the first place.

 

I had already decided I was going the no kids route before I was diagnosed with these 2 conditions. Good thing I came to that conclusion because my body wasn't going to be terribly cooperative anyway.