Been dumped, feeling low

[Eadgbe]

Well im not quite sure where to start with this. Its complicated... (arent they always?)

 

I was with a girl for a year. Early on in the relationship, i dumped her, because she was falling for me and i didn't feel the same way. I dumped her out of guilt, i didn't want to end up hurting her more further down the line. She seemed to take it very well, she wasn't clingy and didn't contact me at all. After a few weeks of no contact, we chatted again, went to see a movie, and ended up in a sort of 'friends-with-benefits' relationship. She said very little about how she really felt about me, and I wasn't being particularly open with my emotions towards her either, i guess she thought i didnt care to get her back. But I thought we were close, we were making plans to go on an overseas holiday at the end of the year, and spending a lot of time together. Then, one night she was out with her friends, picked up a tourist and took her back to her place and they slept together. This guy was leaving the country the very next day, and she knew that, but she still slept with him. The next time that i saw her, she told me about how she went out, I asked her if she picked up (half jokingly) and she told me there was a guy who was interested in her, but she didn't do anything with him. She said to me a few times after this how he was a funny guy, and he had a cute accent. A few nights later, i found all these text messages on my phone from a guy named jamie, and she quickly took the phone off me. I told her that night that i "still felt very close to her", i guess that she realised then that i really still liked her. A few nights later, we were sitting in her room, she was checking her email, and there was one from this jamie guy again. So i finally said "what did you do with him?" and she said she didnt want to talk about it. I said "tell me or im leaving", again she said she didn't want to talk about it. I said "did you sleep with him" and she said yes. I was devestated. I know i had dumped her earlier, but i just was so upset. Looking back, i really wish i had just ended everything right there and then, got her completely out of my life. I made the mistake of thinking that i could get over what had happened, and i tried to work through it. I stayed with her. At times i got very angry and took it out on her, then felt bad and apologised. I guess i felt that i should punish her for what she did to me. This went on for a long time, i would bring it up when we were together, much to her annoyance, but i really just could not get it out of my head. I had these images of her sleeping with him stuck in my head. It was the first thing i would think about every morning when i awoke, and it would get me so down all the time. I came close to dumping her a few times, i guess i was just too gutless to follow through with it. I really liked her at the same time. well, after about 8 months of this, it got worse and worse, i started getting controlling of her and very jealous, insecure, depressed with these thoughts of her with another guy. I guess i was scared that she would do it to me again. Finally she dumped me. That was about 6 months ago. After she dumped me, i sent her something quite nasty, basically describing what she did with jamie, calling her a sl*t. My mentality was that if i got back at her it would help me to feel better about being dumped. how wrong i was... it just made me feel worse. Ive been apologising since then. And at other times ive been angry again, and lashing out at her. Then apologisting again. She says she wants space. I guess i cant really blamer her. Her latest contact with me was her saying 'seriously ben, if you contact me again i will change my phone number. you annoy me and disgust me'. I feel terrible that she has completely lost all respect for me... i feel like ive lost a lot of respect for myself. I think about all the mistakes i made. Sometimes i really miss her. I feel like everything was my fault, i feel guilty, i blame myself for how everything has worked out. I've broken all the rules after we broke up, i tried to get back with her and made myself look pathetic and weak. And now i feel like thats what i am. Now if i get angry at her i end up feeling guilty, if i try to be nice and tell her im happy for her she ignores me and i feel small. I really find it hard to have no contact with her, i find myself writing emails and text messages to her every now and again. She told me a while ago that she has a new boyfriend, and i found this really hard to deal with. She told me to just 'get over it', she tells me im crazy for acting the way i do. Ive acted in obsessive and crazy ways, one night when i was really down i sent her 20 text messages in one night. Am i crazy? I want to be normal...

 

well thats my story. Im still working on getting over her. I guess the best thing for me is just to try to forget about her completely. The more i contact her the worse i end up feeling (pathetic, unwanted). I suppose i just have a hard time letting go. She was my first real long-term relationship, the first girl i slept with on a regular basis. I felt like we were very close, and for someone who knows me so well to tell me shes disgusted by me is hurtful. I have said some disgusting things to her out of anger. Maybe i am a disgusting person...

 

she makes me feel so small. She cast me aside and hasn't looked back. And moved on so easily with her new boyfriend.

 

I guess my problem isnt as big as some of the other posts on this site, but i really just wanted to let it out and see what people think. Am i normal for how i have reacted? Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else? can i forgive myself for how i reacted to her dumping me, making her loose all respect for me? Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it. I appreciate any advice.

[Joe19999]

It was your first relationship, so I think you need to give your self a little break here on you feeling pathetic. She meant a lot to you... Now maybe, the whole jealousy thing and angry thing is one thing you can work on. We've all done something pathetic (ie texting them 20 times in a night) in our lives for someone but you need to learn from it. I would definitely lose her number, and adhere to a no contact policy. Hopefully, you can finally get over her and go on with your life.

[sweetdove]

i just joined the website after just experiencing a similar feeling to you. i was hoping to find someone who has a story similar to my experience but,, it dosent happen. what is similiar i have to say, is the feeling we are left with, the ugly feeling inside us which initially wants to tear our guts; our stomach churning and the feeling of betrayal. i like you too, didint sent texts, but emails.. to this man and regret it now. but as another reply said.. we have all done stupid things and we can only learn from them. we are not alone.

i havent really told you much, probably because im going through the sme thing and itching to get my story accross. but what i can say is, you are not alone, it happens to 1 of 2.

you feel start feeling better, get your confidence up and as a friend of mine says.. as one door closes , another one opens.

[sibling295]

I say lose her number and quick.

[Eadgbe]

Thank for your comments, i appreciate it. I will definitely try to stick to a 'no contact policy' and try to forget about her. I have actually already deleted her number/email address/everything that reminds me of her from my life, now its just the memories of her that are swimming around in my head on a daily basis that i have to let go of (i wish i hadnt memorised her phone number!)

 

Lessons that i have learnt:

- dont become dependent on someone else for your own happiness. Maintain a level of emotional detachment and individuality in a relationship so that you can be happy for yourself no matter what happens. The old cliche, you must love yourself before you can be loved.

- try to love people unconditionally. Dont punish your partner if they have done something which has upset you, allow them to feel the negative consequences of their own actions for themselves. I my case, i should have left her after she slept with someone else. Dont try to control them. If you feel you need to control them and you feel jealous, the relationship is unhealthy and you should let go of either your jealousy or the relationship.

- In your life, you have no control over how anyone else feels about you, the only thing that you can control in your life is yourself

[sibling295]

its not easy , i know, i myself have been up all night crying and i agree with all that you have learned. It just sucks sooo bad. The pain, i mean.

[Eadgbe]

She just emailed me, for the first time in ages, telling me she had an anxiety attack today (she used to have a problem with anxiety when i first met her). She said she felt guilty thinking about how her sleeping with jamie wasn't very safe and it could have affected me (i guess she means if she had transferred a disease from him to me). She said the reason she is emailing me to tell me this is that she wants to get rid of her guilt. She said she felt more for jamie than what she let on to me, she convinced herself that she didn't like him but really she did. She said shes sorry if this email stuffs my emotions up more (which it has a bit... im tired or remembering the stuff she did which hurt me) but she just had to say it to me. She said i cannot call her back but i can email her back. Once.

 

So she obviously doesn't feel she even wants to be friends with me now (she also has a new boyfriend who tells her that what she did with jamie was ok and she shouldn't worry about it). So what should I do? Maintain no contact? email her back and say 'thats ok i forgive you, i hope you can get over your anxiety'? or say 'f*** you you treat me like im worthless now i dont care about you'? half of me wants to say both of those things...

 

right now i think ill just delete it and never email her back. Things have been much better since ive started no contact. Would that be the best thing to do?

[kristo]

Hey Bro,

 

I'm not sure if you sent the email or contacted her... but I would maintain NC and carry on with the rest of your life.

 

I can't judge her for offloading her guilt on to you, as you have both been the 'bad guys' in your relationship, but she has clearly moved on.

 

Put this last episode behind you and carry on learning and recovering from this experience.

 

K

[heloladies21]

It's best to let this situation rest. Don't blame yourself for anything. It's all a learning experience.

[sibling295]

I would stick to the NC .She is with another guy now and you deserve to be with someone who loves you back. I am in the same boat . I am here if you get ansy to contact her.BTW_ why give her the satisfaction of your attention. Why do we do this to ourselves?