Being Ugly and Shy

[antigravity]

Hi everyone,

 

My partner of 5 years ended our relationship about 2-3 weeks ago with her reasoning being that she "doesn't love me as a boyfriend anymore".

 

I'm only 22, but I'm going bald, and I don't exactly have the best facial features (big forehead, largish nose, pale skin). I've shaved my hair, and this just makes my ugliness more noticeable. When I had hair, my only charm was that I was cute.. Now that I'm going bald, I've lost the only thing going for me.

 

My ex was the only female that ever had any interest in me, and I loved her with all my heart. I believe that she realised over a period of time that she didn't enjoy kissing/having sex with me because of my appearance. And that she realised she could get better.

 

Now how the hell do I meet new people? Females are not interested in me whatsoever. Girls walk past me and don't even look at me, and whenever I do talk with girls, I get the feeling they would rather be doing something else. Plus i'm shy aswell which makes it even worse. Agghh..

 

I think I have some good qualities, I'm loyal, honest, down to earth, but I honestly believe that I will NEVER find anyone again. I'm going to be one of those weirdo single older men.

 

Apart from my ex, no girls have ever acted interested in me. Ever. I buy nice clothes, I have a good sense of style, I take care of my appearance as best as I can. I'm not overweight. But no girls take any interest in me and I know it's because I'm ugly.

 

I can't settle for someone that I'm not attracted to, or don't share common interests with. Me having certain standards makes it even more difficult for me to meet someone else.

 

What is there for me to look forward to? I could be perfectly happy as a single guy if I knew I was single by choice. Being single because noone is interested in me, is awful.

 

What do you do when your ugly? What can you possible do?

[melrich]

Well you really painted us into a corner with this post didn't you!!...Lol.

 

Look to address the ugly thing first. I am not going to bury my head in the sand and say physical appearance is not important. Some people are more blessed than others. But that only gets you so far anyway.

 

What is more important in terms of making yourself attractive to the opposite sex (or whoever you are trying to attract) is the way you carry yourself, your self esteem, your comfortableness with who you are.

 

If you can feel good and confident about yoursel that will shine through in any social encounters you have. Go get some pampering...believe me a full facial, massage, body scrub etc. will have you feeling great...treat yourself once a month.

 

You say you are in good shape...OK so you are ahead of 75% of men out there. Go get into better shape. It helps how you feel about yourself.

 

Don't walk around apologising about your looks. No one notices what you look like after they've met you a couple of times.

[zcloud]

No one is ugly unless it's both inside and out; once the inside is polished a little, the outside takes on a small glow. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. yes I date who I find attractive; but there was this one unattractive man once, he was such a riot, very unique and fun guy. He lost interest in me because we were both kind of competition for the same job and it was too hard. The point is, if you want a girl get one. People aren't in relationships only for looks, some want money, some want someone they can talk to or hold, etc. If you're not meeting anyone it's the pool of people is too small, or you are in the wrong pool. Several of my most beautiful girlfriends insist on a plain guy. They wanted someone with a hardened face or a very butch bald look. Make a list of your assests. If you're not funny, interesting and charming work on that. Don't give up because of a nose and a bald head, most people either have that or get that. People of all shapes sizes and handicaps have spouses, not necessarily of equal or lessor beauty to themselves.

[BillyJean714]

OMG, I think you're being way too hard on yourself! Please stop putting yourself down like that. You are just going to kill yourself just by thinking this way. Btw, who says that a receeding hairline isn't cute? One of my ex's had a receeding hairline, and I thought it was sexy. If you want to feel better about yourself, do things you enjoy. If you want to treat yourself to a nice piece of steak, do so. Eat it with passion, then go exercise. (lol, j/k- you get my point).

 

I'm only saying this and my advice might sound totally out of this world, but, I really do think that you're just feeling this way because of the break-up. Find some time for personal growth for now. Just think of this as your "ME-time." Focus on doing what you LOVE doing. And, if it helps, recite this line over and over: "It's not the end of the world. Repeat. It's NOT the end of the world. She is not the last person I'm going to love. But, the first person that I must focus my love on right now is ME- as well as those who are important in my life."

 

Sooner or later, you will feel better. It also helps to humor yourself a bit. Watch something on tv that cracks you up. Read through funny e-mails you saved that brighten up your day. Or, read anything that intrigues you and gets you going! You just need to pump up more enthusiasm into yourself. Think of this as your time to enjoy being single. Easier said than done, but it can be done. And, keep yourself preoccuppied- it REALLY helps. I take it that this is just your venting post. Next time you post, I hope to hear that you're 10x's stronger and happier! Got that? Good. -Billy

[lisica]

In real life, looks are not as important as the media make you believe. I know a beauty queen who starred in playboy and is married to an ugly, completely bald guy. My sister is good looking and her new boyfriend is not at all: he is short and has a round face with ears that stand out too far. But please do not tell her that I told you this, because she is very serious about the relationship and very much attracted to him, so she does not see him the same way I do. And what was the story of Shrek and Fiona all about?

 

Beyond first appearance, girls go for a lot more than looks. They will treat you the way you want to and expect to be treated. You wrote:

 

whenever I do talk with girls, I get the feeling they would rather be doing something else

 

This is in your head. YOU can not believe that a girl is interested in you or enjoys the conversation. As a result, you may actually BECOME boring. Maybe 2 minutes ago you were talking about one of your passions with great enthousiasm, next you mistakingly think the girl is not interested, and as a result, you lose your own enthousiasm in the conversation, or you even stop, just to give the girl a chance to run away.

 

So the answer to your question:

 

What do you do when your ugly? What can you possible do?

 

is that you need to start feeling good about yourself as a person. The fact that you got dumped recently does not help at all of course, so you have to find some extra strenght. I have a good feeling that you will do fine, and you will not end up like some single weirdo

[walkingwithaghost]

Lol, to me it sounds like you're below average and you want a hot girfriend (by your saying you won't settle) How can you be down to earth if you refuse to settle for someone who's physically on your level? If you truly believe you're ugly and physically unattractive to women logic would dictate you would find no problem with an ugly mate. I suggest you continue dressing stylishly and keep your body in good shape, maybe you can get a woman with an ok body and a bad face (who you find attractive and don't have to "settle" for. Lol, "i'm down to earth but i refuse to settle" what a laugh

[walkingwithaghost]

Also if you're superficially unattractive one thing you can do is listen when the girl talks, no guys do this (especially hot ones) this will make you more attractive..

[cichlid]

Looks aren't everything. I'm dating a really sweet guy who is twice my weight plus 10 pounds (he is 250, I am 115 oh and to make it worse I am tall so I am pretty thin). I think I am fairly attractive. I'm not a complete hottie, but I think I am decent (pic can be seen of me in my avatar...it's messed up tho because it looks cooler that way!). My BF is not all that attractive and he wonders why I even date him. It's because he's so confident. Such a sweet and caring guy! Looks only get you so far.

 

Anyway...wanna know the reason no girl has shown no interest in you. You have such low self esteem and it shows! You gotta work on that.

[BellaDonna]

I'm only 22, but I'm going bald, and I don't exactly have the best facial features (big forehead, largish nose, pale skin). I've shaved my hair, and this just makes my ugliness more noticeable. When I had hair, my only charm was that I was cute.. Now that I'm going bald, I've lost the only thing going for me.

 

It seems like your major area of concern is hair loss. Plenty of men look good when they shave their heads. I think you're fixating on this way too much....and it's going to show through when you interact with others. As the others have said- what is truly attractive is confidence.

 

Try to do things to increase your confidence. I agree that working out can really make you feel good- not only is it a mood-booster and great for your overall health, but it also can get you great results physically. If you're not overweight, you'd probably build muscle quite easily from working out, since you don't have much fat to burn before you can get muscle definition. I personally think men who shave their heads and have muscles are really hot...that combination somehow works really well.

 

You also metioned that women are never interested in you....however you've been in a relationship for 5 years. You were not even available, nor were you looking, so it's not accurate to tell yourself women were not interested in you. If they were- you would not have seen it and they would not have told you because you were already with someone.

 

 

BellaDonna

[HajiMaji]

The first thing I want you to do is re read your post and laugh at it. Youre feeling down man, and we all get that way. The other day I was thinking about how death isnt worth getting sad about cause life isnt worth getting happy about... That was the depression talking. Yeah, realizing you are low and youll come out of the small depressed state is a huge ingredient in the recipe for mental clarity.

 

I just want to second what everyone else said. Looks dude, dont even matter. Real relationships are about love and care and respect and patience and all that stuff. We all are going to become old grandparents and we will all look the same. Personally, I get turned on if someone is being sweet to me. If they give me some affection and care then that makes me more attracted to them then if they looked like a movie star.

 

Good looks only get you so far. I think most of us want relationships that go beyond the good looks. A book that really helped me improove some of my relationship skills was "The Art of Loving." Im tellin ya, focus on making yourself an awesome person instead of a hot person.

[antigravity]

Thanks Billy, and thanks everyone... I know it's stupid to think the way I do. But I think like that and I hate it.

 

I need to build up my self confidence no doubt.. Friends tell me i'm being an idiot when I say i'll never get with anyone else.. When I go out, I honestly feel like the ugliest person wherever I go. I think, if I'm the ugliest person here, who would be interested in me?

 

I don't have many friends, because I'm the kind of person who invests all there time and energy into 1 or 2 people. When one of those people decides they don't want to know you anymore, it really hurts. And then you don't have a HUGE support network behind you when it does happen.

 

Losing my hair is definitely the reason why I feel so ugly.. When I had all my hair, I remember feeling MUCH more confident.. Much more. I felt like a different person. Now I just feel like a shadow of who I used to be.

 

I don't want to get with a super model, my ex wasn't a super model whatsoever, but I loved her.. But I can't make myself settle for someone who I find unattractive. That's what I was talking about.

 

Like I said, I need to build up my self confidence.. but how do you do it?? It's not like you can just start telling yourself that you really like who you are.. I feel ok about myself sometimes, until I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection or something.

 

How do you feel good about the way you look?

[wlfpack81]

How do you feel good about the way you look?

 

Hey antigrav at least you don't have huge ugly ears that stick out like me!!! LOL As one poster earlier alluded to that's not attractive. The bald look is in now and if worse comes to worse you can shave it off. Baldness gives men that distinguished look that woman so love. A sign of maturity and growth. Big ears in my case just makes me look like a 6ft 2in Dumbo the Elephant stick figure.

 

Trust me my friend you're not as bad off as me. You had a 5yr relationship!!! That's amazing for this day and age so you have a precedent when it comes to relationships unlike myself and some others who post on this board. I don't see a reason for you to be down. You have done it once and I believe you'll be able to do it again. Good luck.

[volution]

There is one thing to your advantage - many women like bald men (for those that can remember when Star Trek Next Generation was first shown in the late 80's - Captain Picard aka Patrick Stewart was voted world's sexiest man because of his baldness!).

There are plenty of people with no hair (by choice or not) that have done well (eg Ben Kingsley, Andre Agassi, David Beckham)...

[wlfpack81]

You forget one thing volution. The men you just mentioned have high social status b/c 1) they're actors 2) they have money.

 

Social status and/or money will make just about any guy look good to a femalel Heck if I were rich I'd have girls swimming around me all the time.

[corvidae]

I think it's important to learn to be happy with what we have, despite whatever restrictions life throws at us. I also have no luck with women. Women universally ignore me! Well, I was miserable about that for about 12 years, but in the end who's to say I'm not better off alone! Enjoy the little things in life, like yourself, find happiness where you can! I think we make our own Hell, and I think we can walk away from it at any time.

[ShySoul]

People are not ugly, attidudes are ugly. For instance, wlfpack is ugly because of his constant bitterness. If you, antigravity, tell yourself you are ugly, you will start to believe it and that will come out in your actions. You seem to put yourself down. Perhaps she couldn't deal with your low self esteem? Perhaps she wanted more from the relationship after 5 years, was wondering where it was going? Perhaps she was just restless and confused of where she was in life? Your appearance was probably the last thing that caused a breakup.

 

Here's what I say: we all look how we look. If someone doesn't like it, so what. Our looks don't matter, its who we are that matters. Hair does not make the man. Plenty of people are bald and deal with it just fine. And its not the baldness that is sexy, its how the person carries himself and believes in himself.

 

Besides, if someone doesn't think you are attractive because of your hair, just think that eventually they'll be losing their hair as well. Looks are temporary, who we are inside, that lasts forever.

[northernlights]

Hmm, I don't know if this helps, but I have a friend who adores bald men or men with shaved heads. She likes how smooth it looks and feels. She even likes how shiny it is. And my friend is quite the attractive gal herself.

 

For every type of look out there, there is someone who is attracted to it. There are people who like skinny men. There are people who like fit men. There are people who like chubby men. The same goes with hair. In my case, I like a full head of shaggy hair, but in my friend's case, she likes men with no hair. So don't feel like losing your hair is going to make you uglier. It's fine, really!

 

Yes, it's hard to build confidence, but it's very important to do so! Thinking you are ugly will make you act more shy, or will make you interpret people's reactions to you as hostile so that you only reinforce your belief that people find you ugly. You need to look in the mirror and find parts about yourself that you like, and emphasize these points. You say you have a rather fit body...good! Take your shirt off, look in the mirror, admire your body from all different angles, and say "hey, sexy!" (haha...well, you can think it if you feel weird saying it out loud) You may feel tempted to criticize your other parts that you don't like, but DON'T. Focus on what you do like.

 

Also, you say you have good dress style. Do you know how many men DON'T? So feel proud of yourself for having a dress style--girls like that too, you know! It's not all about the face and the hair. It's about how you take care of yourself and how you present yourself. This summer, my friend and I both had crushes on a guy who we never imagined ourselves first liking. He was pretty funny looking (one of my other friends actually went "ugh!" when I was bragging and showed her his photo ) but he had a pretty unique way of dressing and just oozed confidence out of his ears. No women ever checked him out when they passed him, but he still grew on my friend and I!

 

I asked him how he got his overwhelming confidence. He said graduating from an all boy's school helped a lot. He never met women either, but instead of associating it with his looks, he associated it with his situation. So don't think that it's your "ugly" looks that make it hard for you to meet women. Maybe you're not in the right place. Maybe you've been in a relationship for too long and need to ease out of the lingering traces of it. You can't expect people who you barely know on the street to voice their attraction for you...that just doesn't happen!

 

Everytime you think "so-and-so happened because I am ugly", I want you to stop yourself and think of another reason for why "so-and-so happened". Think hard and there will always be another potential reason. Saying you're "ugly" is the easy way-out to give for a reason, but you should make an effort to find another. Eventually, you might realize that MANY other situational factors influence what happens and what doesn't happen.

 

So hold your head up high. There's nothing wrong with you!!

[wlfpack81]

Besides, if someone doesn't think you are attractive because of your hair, just think that eventually they'll be losing their hair as well. Looks are temporary, who we are inside, that lasts forever.

 

LOL Ummm last time I checked women don't usually have to deal w/baldness.

 

And biterness!? Haha ya darn right I'm bitter. I admit I have a black cold heart. I've had crap self esteem since elementary school (that's what happens when you get picked on for being nerdy, ugly and having large ears that stick out to boot nearly every day). Add in going through that crap from K-12th grade + no attention from girls then it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm like this. I know those experiences are a big part of the reason why I'm shy. I learn from history and my personal history from a standpoint w/women shows no precedents concerning success. So based on that trend I see no reason for any success in the future.

 

And before someone goes there I know that stuff was way back in elementary, middle, high school and I should get over it (family has told this to me many times). But I look at it this way. You're 2yrs old and you cut your arm off (bare w/me here). Now let's fast forward 20yrs later. You don't feel the pain anymore but the scar is still there and noticeable and has an effect on your daily doings. Get it? Also the fact that since HS I still haven't had any success w/women and barely get any looks just goes to make me believe those people were right and that I'm a loser.

[ShySoul]

LOL Ummm last time I checked women don't usually have to deal w/baldness.

 

Fine, how about grey hair, putting on weight, wrinkles, sagging breasts and losing those curves? Men and women are going to lose that stereotypical vision of beauty eventually, but when you are with the right person that you are meant to be with, it doesn't matter. Cause they will see the real beauty in you, the inner beauty of who you really are. So don't worry about the outside, worry about whats on the inside.

 

And biterness!? Haha ya darn right I'm bitter. I admit I have a black cold heart. I've had crap self esteem since elementary school (that's what happens when you get picked on for being nerdy, ugly and having large ears that stick out to boot nearly every day). Add in going through that crap from K-12th grade + no attention from girls then it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm like this. I know those experiences are a big part of the reason why I'm shy. I learn from history and my personal history from a standpoint w/women shows no precedents concerning success. So based on that trend I see no reason for any success in the future.

 

I was picked on as well. I am nerdy but I'm proud of it. I know I'm not the hottest looking stud around... skinny, short, pale. But I don't care cause I am who I am and that's me. If ya don't like it... too bad for you. I was teased all the way through. Hey, my own cousin seemed to make it her mission for awhile to pick on me, play jokes on me, and try to get me in trouble. I'm naturally shy. I have very little in common with most people I'm around. I've been through plenty of problems, with friends and family. Until this year no girl had ever shown interest in me. And even now that they have, something always is in the way. Don't think I question ever day if I'll find someone? Don't think I haven't felt bitter and like giving up? Or felt like lashing out at the world? Or like I'll always be alone? I have. But I realize that I'm stronger then that. You are too. You just need to pick yourself up and change your attitude. As long as you say it won't happen, it won't. The only thing holding you back is you.

 

You haven't gotten looks from women? Ya right. You have. You just brush them off because you don't think they could be looking at you. I've done the same thing. Scars? I carry scars that have broken my heart in a billion pieces. My favorite song talks about finding someone and bringing them "the scrapes that make up my soul." I have felt dead and empty countless times. But through it all my heart never gives up. It stays beating, refuses to turn black. It refuses to be bitter, and when it starts to head that way it rededicates itself to the path it was on. It stays true to the course, knowing that one day things will be better.

 

The only thing that is ugly about a person is their attitude. Rather its arrogance or bitterness... its the attitude that is ugly. Wlfpack, thats your problem, it has nothing to do with anything you have experience, it has nothing to do with your looks. It has to do with you giving up hope.

[GremlinX]

Wlfpack I'm not sure what I can add to ShySouls advice but I'll try.

 

I myself was picked on and bullied for as long as I can remember in gradeschool. Through no fault of my own that I can recall it just was. Like you ten years ago I was very bitter about it, pissed of at the world. I didn't deserve this! Why should the people who treated me so go about their lives like nothing happened yet I have to deal with this mess I didn't ask for? Oh I was a pill and then some! But until I realized that hanging onto the past wasn't going to get me anywhere life would continue to go the way it was going. I weighed 250lbs, had given up on hygene, and the attitude I had was "Leave me the **** alone!". Nobody in their right mind wants to be around you when you give off such a negative vibe!

 

But one day I woke up and said "No more!" Believe me though the change didn't happen overnight. I've just turned 35 and FINALLY feel comfortable with who I am and what gifts I've been given. Sure the sting of those days long past is still there but it can't dictate how my future will be. I also had to forgive the people who did what they did. We were kids and kids are mean and holding onto it was nothing but a roadblock. I've still got a lot of work to do but in my heart now I know the best is yet to come!

 

So sit back, take a deep breath and look at things from a new or different perspective. As I said it won't be easy to forgive but you've got to if you want things to turn around. You've also gotta forgive yourself and not beat yourself up. That only makes it worse!

 

And about the women thing, well, I haven't had much luck myself but then agian 'till my attitude changed I wasn't going to. I get frustrated about it too and maybe I'm nuts but I have a feeling something's going to happen and I'm as nervous and excited about it as a kid on Chrstsmas Eve! I just don't know when, that's the worst part! I might seem a bit overly optomistic but rather that than the ol' stick in the mud I once was!

[ShySoul]

GremlinX,

 

I'm happy for you that you have been able to improve your confidence and turn yourself around. Good things are out there for you and it won't be long before you find them.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

My first question is how did you meet your ex? Did you ask her out? If so, then what is stopping you from doing it again? Did she ask you out? If so, what is to say she is the only one attracted to you.

 

For example...

 

I'm only 22, but I'm going bald, and I don't exactly have the best facial features (big forehead, largish nose, pale skin). I've shaved my hair, and this just makes my ugliness more noticeable. When I had hair, my only charm was that I was cute.. Now that I'm going bald, I've lost the only thing going for me.

I mentioned earlier that I had a contest where I asked 10 girls to rate me and 4 other guys. I purposely put one good looking guy among us to see how I compare with them. He got the highest marks by far and he was as bald as an eagle, clean shaven. So being ugly because you are completely bald is absolutely not true. The infamous "comb-over", that's unattractive. The only person who I know that got the women because of his hair alone was Sampson.

 

My ex was the only female that ever had any interest in me, and I loved her with all my heart. I believe that she realised over a period of time that she didn't enjoy kissing/having sex with me because of my appearance. And that she realised she could get better.

Is that really true or are you assuming? If it is true then you are not the first, last or only person to have this happen to. Just remember that at one point she found you attractive. Just think about how it feels to have absolutely nobody be attracted to you. You cannot feel that anymore because you had a girlfriend, one who you can look back on and say that, at one point, she found you attractive. I doubt she'll be the only one, too.

 

Apart from my ex, no girls have ever acted interested in me. Ever. I buy nice clothes, I have a good sense of style, I take care of my appearance as best as I can. I'm not overweight. But no girls take any interest in me and I know it's because I'm ugly.

Again, you have something to start with. She had to have been attracted to you at some point, right? I wish I knew how that felt. Must feel good I guess.

 

What do you do when your ugly? What can you possible do?

If wish I knew. I take up masturbating. And you...?

[northernlights]

only person who I know that got the women because of his hair alone was Sampson.

 

I just wanted to say that I really liked that part of your post. So true!

[Miss M]

I think those who perceive themselves as ugly are just having some kind of strange and backward fantasy, believing that ugly people get passed over, and that attractive people have plenty of wonderful opportunities for dates.

 

It's really not like that at all. There are plenty of ugly folks that have partners. (When you're gathering your statistics, how do you miss that?) And there are plenty of attractive people who are alone.

 

Attractiveness is NOT a guarantee for getting a meaningful relationship, and if you could suddenly be attractive, it definitely would not solve your problem. It's also very possible to be very attractive and also be quite miserably lonely.

 

Outward appearance is such a teeny-tiny part of a relationship, and you really aren't being bypassed because of how you look. But maybe it just gives you some a kind of strange satisfaction to keep buying into that misconception?

[wlfpack81]

Miss M:

 

Well, outward appearance may be a teeny-part but it's the first part or the spark plug that gets the car started. My spark plug is in bad shape girl!!! LOL